Hudband flirts with his female friends

[sparrow62671]

My husband flirts with his female friends. I discovered all of this when I caught him having an affair. The affair is over but he continues to flirt with his female friends. He doesn't see a problem with it. He says it helps break up the work stress and financal stress in his life. I take offense to this behavior, it is disrespectful to me, his wife. Especially since I'm trying to recover from his infidelity and trying to trust him again. How can I learn to trust him when I read sexually charged emails or text messages he has sent to his friends? I want to make this work, for our sake and for our kids' sake but I'm having trouble accepting this behavior. Am I too old fashioned?

[JackJack]

My husband flirts with his female friends. I discovered all of this when I caught him having an affair. The affair is over but he continues to flirt with his female friends. He doesn't see a problem with it. He says it helps break up the work stress and financal stress in his life. I take offense to this behavior, it is disrespectful to me, his wife. Especially since I'm trying to recover from his infidelity and trying to trust him again. How can I learn to trust him when I read sexually charged emails or text messages he has sent to his friends? I want to make this work, for our sake and for our kids' sake but I'm having trouble accepting this behavior. Am I too old fashioned?

 

What is your payoff to stay with a man who continues to disrespect you be flirting and exchanging emails of a sexual nature after having an affair?

 

In other words, what are you getting out of it to make you stay?

[Red_Apple]

I would leave a man who flirts with other women. It personally bothers me. I don't think you're old-fashioned at all. Is that something he said?

[norajane]

How can I learn to trust him when I read sexually charged emails or text messages he has sent to his friends?

 

You can't.

 

That's how affairs start. You can't trust someone who cheated on you and continues to do the exact same things, like flirting with other women. You would be extremely foolish to trust a man like that. He's already shown you his true colors. He will cheat again, sooner or later.

 

A man who wants to be forgiven for an infidelity should be willing to bend over backwards to do whatever you need him to do in order to rebuild trust - and that includes no flirting, and even includes him changing his job if necessary. If he's not willing to do anything, nor is he willing to even understand your viewpoint on this, sorry, but he's a loser and you should not trust him.

[blair08]

I'm sorry to hear he is doing these things after he already had an affair. Obviously he is not wanting to be in this marriage.

 

For what ever reason he feels this is still ok and acceptable. Its not, so you make the decison on what you should do.

[sparrow62671]

Thanks for your input.

 

JackJack - I guess what I get out of it is rebuilding my marraige, hopefully stronger and better than it was before. He has been selfish but I have been too, taking our relationship for granted.

 

Red Apple - those are my words, I sometimes feel like my views are old fashioned. Which also explains why I didn't leave him when I found out about the affair. My dad had an affair on my mom and she worked it out. My folks are still together and I can't imagine growing up without my dad in the house. I want the same for our kids. Again, old fashioned.

 

norajane - you are right, he should be bending over backwards. He does understand my viewpoint, he actually acknowledged how bad it must look to me (but not enough to change his behavior).

 

blair08 - I agree it doesn't look like we wants to be in this marriage but why didn't he leave when I caught him having an affair? I think he wants to stay but isn't strong enough to sacrifice.

[Ruby Slippers]

You're not old-fashioned -- you have values and expect basic respect from your husband. He is being selfish and thoughtless. I wouldn't put up with it.

[Lizzie60]

You think the A is over.. I don't think so.. you're husband is still having As... or will be very soon.. it's a question of time.. and a question of 'finding' someone who is willing to have the A with him..

 

But I think it will happens... he's sure putting all the efforts..

[o0oscar0o]

wow, what a bunch of insecure people. lol. flirting does NOT equal infidelity and leaving someone over flirting is just utterly childish. we have 2 major issues here, flirting and disrespect. the flirting is actually harmless. seriously, what is he doing? sparring verbally in a suggestive manner. does that compare to what you have built between you two? does that honestly threaten what you feel you have with him? you might want to find out why he is flirting. is it for attention, is it just fun, does he need an ego stroke? i am willing to bet, he gets little if any sexual satisfaction out of it. please understand that even if he does stop the flirting, this is not going to change the fact that he will find other women attractive and probably even have sexual thoughts about them. that is natural and i would be hard pressed to believe that you dont find other men attractive or have thoughts about other men that are suggestive. i am not saying that he should continue flirting with other women, i am saying that you shouldnt want to leave him over it, which bring me to what IMHO is the real problem, respect. sure, he may see his flirting as harmless but you obviously dont and that should be his red flag to modify his behaviors or at least talk about it other than saying, yeah, it looks bad. in a relationship, you need to cater to the lowest common denominator.. and if that for you is no flirting, then he needs to respect that. i have a sneaking suspicion that this isnt the only way he shows his lack of respect, is it?

 

if he refuses to comply, then there needs to be consequences. if he is going to act like a child, treat him like one. if he continues, you need to 'punish' him in a manner that matters to him.

[norajane]

wow, what a bunch of insecure people. lol. flirting does NOT equal infidelity and leaving someone over flirting is just utterly childish. we have 2 major issues here, flirting and disrespect. the flirting is actually harmless. seriously, what is he doing? sparring verbally in a suggestive manner. does that compare to what you have built between you two? does that honestly threaten what you feel you have with him? you might want to find out why he is flirting. is it for attention, is it just fun, does he need an ego stroke? i am willing to bet, he gets little if any sexual satisfaction out of it. please understand that even if he does stop the flirting, this is not going to change the fact that he will find other women attractive and probably even have sexual thoughts about them. that is natural and i would be hard pressed to believe that you dont find other men attractive or have thoughts about other men that are suggestive. i am not saying that he should continue flirting with other women, i am saying that you shouldnt want to leave him over it, which bring me to what IMHO is the real problem, respect. sure, he may see his flirting as harmless but you obviously dont and that should be his red flag to modify his behaviors or at least talk about it other than saying, yeah, it looks bad. in a relationship, you need to cater to the lowest common denominator.. and if that for you is no flirting, then he needs to respect that. i have a sneaking suspicion that this isnt the only way he shows his lack of respect, is it?

 

if he refuses to comply, then there needs to be consequences. if he is going to act like a child, treat him like one. if he continues, you need to 'punish' him in a manner that matters to him.

 

He already had one affair. How much more leeway on flirting with other women is she supposed to give him before leaving him? Until he has another affair with one of those women he's flirting with?

[sparrow62671]

norajane - I can appreciate your point of view, maybe I am walking right into another heartbreak. I'm not ready to pull the trigger yet but I am bothered enough to question how much I am willing to tolerate.

 

oOoscarOo - thanks for giving some advice from the other side of the fence. I agree that flirting can be harmless and it certainly isn't grounds for divorce. He flirts for the ego boost because he has gained weight and has little self esteem. I think my issue is more with the lack of respect and you are right, he has shown a lack of respect in other ways too (spending money we don't have & not helping with the kids/house). In all fairness, he has come a long way with his spending and helping out. I think the flirting thing (especially now that the affair is over) is the only guilty sin he has left to enjoy so he isn't letting go to easily.