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Old 30th January 2002, 5:33 PM   #1
Leah
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whoop-dee-doo

Hi,

I've been married now for 6 months, with my husband for 3 years. I'm finishing up college (finally), he works. We have an extremely rocky relationship, and it's only gotten worse since we married. Most of the time I'm quite depressed by the whole situation, especially the fact that we no longer seem to have sex. It's not that I reject him. I even offer myself to him, usually when he calls before he leaves work, but he NEVER takes me up on the offer! If I make the first move, it's fine, but he never takes the initiative and to be honest, as a woman, I'm not used to being rejected.

Although I'm not the type to cheat (the guilt would kill me, I'm Catholic), I am really pissed off that I'm married to a man who passes up sex. He gets aroused, but he's embarrassed. I can tell you he wasn't like this when we were dating. He says it's our current living situation. We have a house, but since I'm still in school we have 2 roommates to help pay off the mortgage. I say, get used to not having sex, then, because what will he do when we have kids? I can't stand it! I am a sexual being!

The thing is, he also has low self-esteem. Really low. It's getting worse, too, and I have no idea why. I'm an independent person. I have my own friends, I go to church by myself or with a girlfriend (he doesn't go), I have my own hobbies (yoga and dance class), and hell, I have a week off for spring break so I'm taking a trip with 3 of my girlfriends. He is really dependent on me for socializing and going out. He has no initiative of his own. It's starting to get worse and I'm frustrated. He used to have his own friends but now he never talks to them, and I certainly am not monopolizing his time. He just does home improvement projects and socializes with my male friends.

Basically, I'm frustrated in this marriage. I suggested we take a break. I wanted to go on a spiritual pilgrimage, walking from France to a Christian sanctuary on the coast of Spain, for 2 months after I graduate. It's not like I'm going to party in Europe, it's a grueling trek and I'll be in a tour group camping. But when I told him he looked like I was asking for a divorce. He was just devestated. I asked what he suggested and he just wanted to go with me. I just think he needs to find out himself FOR himself what he wants and who he is. Is this a bad idea? If this keeps going like this, our marriage is going to be kaput in a year at least. I won't divorce him but it will be horrid.

I mean, it would be great if he were more spiritual. I'm not just Christian, I embrace all faiths and I go to temple with my asian grandmother frequently. But he's just not a spiritual person, and it would be pointless to go on a pilgrimage if you're not meditating and praying with your heart and soul. One of my friend's boyfriends did the walk, he's an atheist, and he said it didn't do anything for him. So anyways, is it ok to take a break from your marriage? I'm just going on a spiritual journey, not a sexual escapade (ha ha ha).
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Old 30th January 2002, 7:04 PM   #2
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Re: whoop-dee-doo

Personally, I think you should try to work things out with your husband before you take off for 2 months. There's nothing wrong with going on a pilgrimage if that's what you want to do, but it wouldn't be right to leave with so much tension between the two of you. Have you asked him why he feels embarrassed about the roommates being there? (And do you really think that's the real reason for his lack of sex drive? Is there any chance he's cheating?) As far as his low self esteem, have you asked him what's going on with him? If you've been with him for three years, you should have decent enough communication where he would feel comfortable talking to you about what's bothering him.

Of course, it may just be that he has changed over the course of your relationship, and you two are going in different directions. Would it be presumptious of me to guess that you two are in your early twenties, since you are just finishing college? People change a lot about what they want out of life and what kind of person they are going to be in their early twenties. You may very well just not be compatible anymore. You certainly don't sound very happy in the marriage. Is he? You really need to talk and get to the bottom of this, and/or go to a marriage counselor if necessary.
Quote:
Hi, I've been married now for 6 months, with my husband for 3 years. I'm finishing up college (finally), he works. We have an extremely rocky relationship, and it's only gotten worse since we married. Most of the time I'm quite depressed by the whole situation, especially the fact that we no longer seem to have sex. It's not that I reject him. I even offer myself to him, usually when he calls before he leaves work, but he NEVER takes me up on the offer! If I make the first move, it's fine, but he never takes the initiative and to be honest, as a woman, I'm not used to being rejected. Although I'm not the type to cheat (the guilt would kill me, I'm Catholic), I am really pissed off that I'm married to a man who passes up sex. He gets aroused, but he's embarrassed. I can tell you he wasn't like this when we were dating. He says it's our current living situation. We have a house, but since I'm still in school we have 2 roommates to help pay off the mortgage. I say, get used to not having sex, then, because what will he do when we have kids? I can't stand it! I am a sexual being! The thing is, he also has low self-esteem. Really low. It's getting worse, too, and I have no idea why. I'm an independent person. I have my own friends, I go to church by myself or with a girlfriend (he doesn't go), I have my own hobbies (yoga and dance class), and hell, I have a week off for spring break so I'm taking a trip with 3 of my girlfriends. He is really dependent on me for socializing and going out. He has no initiative of his own. It's starting to get worse and I'm frustrated. He used to have his own friends but now he never talks to them, and I certainly am not monopolizing his time. He just does home improvement projects and socializes with my male friends.

Basically, I'm frustrated in this marriage. I suggested we take a break. I wanted to go on a spiritual pilgrimage, walking from France to a Christian sanctuary on the coast of Spain, for 2 months after I graduate. It's not like I'm going to party in Europe, it's a grueling trek and I'll be in a tour group camping. But when I told him he looked like I was asking for a divorce. He was just devestated. I asked what he suggested and he just wanted to go with me. I just think he needs to find out himself FOR himself what he wants and who he is. Is this a bad idea? If this keeps going like this, our marriage is going to be kaput in a year at least. I won't divorce him but it will be horrid. I mean, it would be great if he were more spiritual. I'm not just Christian, I embrace all faiths and I go to temple with my asian grandmother frequently. But he's just not a spiritual person, and it would be pointless to go on a pilgrimage if you're not meditating and praying with your heart and soul. One of my friend's boyfriends did the walk, he's an atheist, and he said it didn't do anything for him. So anyways, is it ok to take a break from your marriage? I'm just going on a spiritual journey, not a sexual escapade (ha ha ha).
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Old 31st January 2002, 3:58 PM   #3
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Re: whoop-dee-doo

I highly suggest that you two spend time together -- just you and him, to work on your marriage. If you're able to sustain successful relationships with other folks, then you can do so with him, it just takes a little work. The Catholic Church offers a Marriage Encounter retreat weekend in just about every diocese in the country. Call the family life office at your diocesan chancery to see when the next one is scheduled, or check out the Marriage Encounter website.

my husband and I were married 7 years when we went on our ME weekend, and while it didn't solve any problems immediately, it did give us a lot of good tools on how to communicate effectively with each other. And, it cut through a lot of the bull**** that goes on in such a highly interpersonal relationship like marriage.

chances are, your guy doesn't know how to address the changes in your lifestyle and therefore has closed himself in while he tries to figure it out. Before you head out on your spiritual quest, make it a point to clear things up with him. Maybe he'll decide his wanting to go along on your pilgrimmage isn't what he really wants once he has your undivided attention; maybe that'll help him further develop his own spirituality. Remember, you guys are partners in this, and leaving him behind just because you don't understand what he wants from your relationship isn't the answer.
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