Separation agreement

[angryyoungman70]

My wife and I have agreed to separate, after being together 18 years, married for the last 14. We first talked about it a few weeks ago, then reconciled and she actually asked me to stay, albeit in the basement. Earlier this week, I finally bought a small sailboat, which I have been planning for years. She disagreed with me that I should purchase it because it is not a "need" in her mind, and detests the thought of me purchasing anything that is not a need. Well, I used my own money and picked it up (It was only 3k and I've been looking for a few years. I found one and purchased it before someone else did. That's how you do these things). I also make over 6 figs and we are doing just fine, with a few great investments and always pay our bills. Our kids have all the toys they want, are receiving an excellent education, and never have been without the neccessities of life.

 

Needless to say, she let me have it. She tried to make me feel 2 inches tall, spoke of my selfishness, how I did this as a ploy to get her to kick me out so that I could leave the relationship because I want nothing to do with a family, relationship, or responsibilities. Wow. I am also apparently playing some sort of game where I don't respect her, causing her to lose respect for herself. Again, wow.

 

I was at first deeply hurt by her absolutely innane accusations, but have now come to realize that she has a few recently divorced friends she's been corresponding with and a confirmed man-hater. I got home from work yesterday to find a fill-in-the-blank separation agreement printed out. She's pushing me to fill this form out and wants to finalize it when she gets home from work later this evening.

 

I wonder why she needs to get this done so soon? Is she seeing someone else? Have her friends been filling her head? I made an appointment to talk to a MC yesterday and she did not make it. I also made an appointment next week with the same MC and she hasn't given me the indication that she will be there.

 

All of the people close to me (even the MC) suggest that I protect myself, and remove the thought from my head that we should work things out. Her hostility towards me is quite surprising. In any event, I have secured accomodations and will be moving out next week. Yesterday was the most emotionally draining day I've ever been through. Today however, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

[Mr. Lucky]

Having been there, I know what a tough process it is. Are you getting legal advice as you move ahead? What would stop her from draining your savings and investment accounts tomorrow?

 

Mr. Lucky

[angryyoungman70]

Having been there, I know what a tough process it is. Are you getting legal advice as you move ahead? What would stop her from draining your savings and investment accounts tomorrow?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Everything we have is in both of our names. I'm not sure if she would do that, but I guess I should investigate some way of preventing it. Perhaps that is why she's so adament that we sign off on this agreement, because she thinks that this is something I would do, which I simply wouln't. I am talking to a divorce consultant next week, and am going to open a banking account in my name only to have my pay deposited in.

 

Thanks Mr. Lucky.

[whichwayisup]

Hate to say it but there is a chance of her seeing someone else and that someone else IS pressuring her to get a divorce from you. If anything, hire a PI so you can know exactly what's going on with her. She's up and down like a toilet seat!

[mark982]

cover your azz. don't sign nothing till you see a lawyer, no matter how much she complains. if she's pushing you to sign there's a motive somewhere.

[angryyoungman70]

cover your azz. don't sign nothing till you see a lawyer, no matter how much she complains. if she's pushing you to sign there's a motive somewhere.

 

 

I thought about that. And lo and behold, she's signed up to a "Meet-up group". Her divorced sister is a planner for one of these groups in another city and this is where she meets men.

[soserious1]

Better check your accounts quickly, all of them and either move 1/2 the assets over to your own name or beat her to the punch and get to the lawyer ASAP and file.

 

My soon to be ex didn't go all out of the top until he'd moved all our jointly held assets to his own private accounts. I had to file and get an emergency hearing to get the funds frozen till a judge could decide property division. If I didn't have credit cards in my name only I'd be screwed right about now.

[Mr. Lucky]

Everything we have is in both of our names. I'm not sure if she would do that, but I guess I should investigate some way of preventing it. Perhaps that is why she's so adament that we sign off on this agreement, because she thinks that this is something I would do, which I simply wouln't. I am talking to a divorce consultant next week, and am going to open a banking account in my name only to have my pay deposited in.

 

Thanks Mr. Lucky.

 

Everyone is going to tell you "watch out", she'll take you for every dime, etc. That wasn't the case in my divorce, we simply agreed on the custody issues involving our son, put the house up for sale and split up our assets and obligations. We even both used the same attorney since things, after a rocky beginning, were fairly civil.

 

You'll have to feel your own way, determining what's important to you and deciding how you're going to lay the ground work for your future dealings (if I recall correctly from your earlier posts) together with the kids. I'd tell you to try and keep emotions, anger and vindictiveness out of the decisions you will make, but that's easier said than done ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark982]

mr. lucky as your name implies you were lucky. 99% of the rest of us aren't. c.y.a. and don't trust a darn word she says.

[Mr. Lucky]

mr. lucky as your name implies you were lucky. 99% of the rest of us aren't. c.y.a. and don't trust a darn word she says.

Well, luck is the residue of design. I accepted the fact going in that there was going to be hurt feelings, frayed nerves and problems. I had alluded to a rocky beginning to our separation. I stayed in the house we had, she moved out quickly because she was anxious to get established in her own place. I came home one night and discovered that, without telling me in advance, she'd come into the house with a moving crew and took everthing - every piece of furniture, mattress, pot, pan, towel, sheet, etc., I mean everything. Besides my clothes, I was left with a pillowcase and a dented frying pan. Now honestly, I didn't want any of it, but it would have been nice to arrange a smoother transfer. She obviously thought it would freak me out, so she was pretty surprised when I called her and said "I see you got your stuff. I'll be over tomorrow to pick up our son, see you then. Have a nice night".

 

You have to pick you battles if you're going to win the war. AYM70, if you can keep your cool through the process, I guarantee that you'll come out ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[angryyoungman70]

Well, luck is the residue of design. I accepted the fact going in that there was going to be hurt feelings, frayed nerves and problems. I had alluded to a rocky beginning to our separation. I stayed in the house we had, she moved out quickly because she was anxious to get established in her own place. I came home one night and discovered that, without telling me in advance, she'd come into the house with a moving crew and took everthing - every piece of furniture, mattress, pot, pan, towel, sheet, etc., I mean everything. Besides my clothes, I was left with a pillowcase and a dented frying pan. Now honestly, I didn't want any of it, but it would have been nice to arrange a smoother transfer. She obviously thought it would freak me out, so she was pretty surprised when I called her and said "I see you got your stuff. I'll be over tomorrow to pick up our son, see you then. Have a nice night".

 

You have to pick you battles if you're going to win the war. AYM70, if you can keep your cool through the process, I guarantee that you'll come out ahead...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Great advice Mr. Lucky. The best advice I've ever received was: "Advice is the cheapest thing you could ask for. Always consider the source".

 

We sat down for a couple of hours last night and she was very rational, as was I. The agreement is still in a draft stage, and we have agreed not to sign off on anything until we're both confortable with the terms. She's no at all adverse to splitting weekends with the kids and still wants me to be in the house with them while she's at work. As well, she's trying to ensure that whatever we agree on, it is fair and equitable. She said that she does not want to see me suffer financially as a result and is looking at a couple of ways she can bring extra income into the household to help with the transition. I was actually very proud of her.

 

As for the boat, she told me that she's glad that I bought it, because she was hoping that I'd "screw-up" somehow and that enabled her to have a good reason to call it quits.

[Walk]

I'm floored by that last sentence about the boat. Wft?

 

Anyway. I had a fairly amicable divorce, but my exH (as he'd always been) blew all our money. I opened a new account in my name only, sent my paycheck (direct deposit) to that account. Set up an agreement with the exH that I would pay half the mortgage ($600) and continue paying his health insurance ($100).

 

I made $9.80 an hour. hahahaha Talk about insane.

 

Just concentrate on the kids. That's the main issue. Don't get distracted by all the other bullcrap going on.

[fadinglove]

I am really sorry to hear that. I am also fearful that this is the road I am heading down.

 

Best of luck.

[angryyoungman70]

Well, I'm now moved out...and will be back Tues-Thurs in the evenings with the kids, as my stbxw is working those nights. I'll also get to be with them either Sat or Sun. She's looking at taking 2/3 of my income and that's it.

 

So, I'm living in a camping trailer beside an unbuilt community hall in the country just outside of town. The deal I have is, I'm the "on-site security guy", they let me use power and no money changes hands. My company has a gym with showers, so this morning I excercised before work.

 

As awful as I feel, I will not be this way for long. I'm going to stay positive and look ahead, not back. This has perhaps been the most painfull lesson that I've ever had to learn. 18 years to figure it out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well, I'm now moved out...and will be back Tues-Thurs in the evenings with the kids, as my stbxw is working those nights. I'll also get to be with them either Sat or Sun. She's looking at taking 2/3 of my income and that's it.

 

So, I'm living in a camping trailer beside an unbuilt community hall in the country just outside of town. The deal I have is, I'm the "on-site security guy", they let me use power and no money changes hands. My company has a gym with showers, so this morning I excercised before work.

 

As awful as I feel, I will not be this way for long. I'm going to stay positive and look ahead, not back. This has perhaps been the most painfull lesson that I've ever had to learn. 18 years to figure it out.

 

Well, it sounds peaceful . How does she get 2/3 of your income?

 

Mr. Lucky

[angryyoungman70]

Well, it sounds peaceful . How does she get 2/3 of your income?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Well, she only works 20 hrs a week and brings in about 1K a month. This should only be temporary until she can either work more hours or find another source of income. I agreed, because I don't want my kids' lifestyle to change and really don't want to cause her any hardship. Yhea, I'm a nice guy. Someone she's often refered to as selfish.

 

I'll keep you posted. Thanks for your concern and wise words.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agreed, because I don't want my kids' lifestyle to change and really don't want to cause her any hardship. Yhea, I'm a nice guy.

Nope, just a good Dad . Keep your wits about you and your focus on your relationship with your kids. Everything else - your STBX, any other female "companionship", your finances - will sort itself out in time...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waleen]

The separation agreement, if legal IN YOUR STATE is a binding legal state of marriage regardless of where the partners sleep. I did not have a complete agreement that was legal and got in a lot of trouble by my spouse running up debt and expecting me to pay - which I have. It is the same until the divorce and the divorce usually incorporates that agreement into it. If there is a unity it needs to be legally voided and a prenuptual agreement may be a great idea.

[angryyoungman70]

The separation agreement, if legal IN YOUR STATE is a binding legal state of marriage regardless of where the partners sleep. I did not have a complete agreement that was legal and got in a lot of trouble by my spouse running up debt and expecting me to pay - which I have. It is the same until the divorce and the divorce usually incorporates that agreement into it. If there is a unity it needs to be legally voided and a prenuptual agreement may be a great idea.

 

The agreement that we signed off on is NOT a binding leagl document. We simply could have shook hands over the deal. Regardless, it simply stipulates how much money I will pay her monthly, which debts are mine and which are hers, and how often I can be with the kids.

 

It's funny but after 18 years together, and only being apart for the past week, I already feel stronger and more content with my life.

[angryyoungman70]

A few things have surfaced that are making me wonder about the real reason my stbx was so insistant that I move out and that we get a divorce.

 

First, she was shooting a wedding last weekend out of town. I phoned her sister on Sunday am to see if my stbx was there and she wasn't. I assumed then for that matter that she had stayed with her mom and dad who also live in that city. According to her sister, however, my stbx did not spend the night after the wedding at her parents either, as she had just spoken to her mom before I called. She has no other family to stay with in that city, and always stays with one or the other.

 

I also went out on Saturday, as both of my kids were at sleepovers. I met a couple of ladies and ended up hanging out with them all night, eventually driving them back to thier apartment, as I was not drinking and they were excessively. Needless to say, they were falling all over me all night. I had fun, but never crossed any lines. I arrived home and slept in my clothes on top of the covers of the bed that I have not slept in for over a month. Well, stbx comes home a day early, and accuses me of having sex with someone in HER bed, as she said that she could smell perfume on the bed. At first she was her typical angry, bullying self, but the next day, as I was moving out, she told me that she didn't care and did not appear agitated one bit.

 

Next fishy thing. The day after I moved out, she installed a keyed lock on her (our) bedroom door. ??

 

So last night, as I was at the house while she's at work, I decide I'm going to look at the computer's browser history. Not only has she been subscribing to something called a "meetup group" for a few weeks, she's also enrolled in several events including this weekend, which is the first weekend apart.

 

So I dig deeper, and I find subject lines to two emails that she sent two days ago. They were "tonight" and "miss you". These were both sent on one of the days that she works late. According to the kids, she was later than usual that evening.

 

My sister then calls me last night and tells me that stbx phoned her earlier in the day under the pretense of making sure that I'm ok. She then starts digging, and trying to find out from my sister if I'm being sincere about not wanting to cause her any hardship with the divorce. She actually asked my sister if she should get a lawyer and start the process of taking me to the cleaners as a pre-emptive strike. WTF????

 

Initially I was hurt that she would even consider that I would be so manipulative, callous, and calculating. I honestly do care for her, and would NEVER want to see my kids hurt as a result of my actions. I'm being totally honest with her about wanting things to be amicable, but she thinks I'm playing some kind of game. I've NEVER been one to play games or tolerate someone playing games with me.

 

So, I don't know what to think....

[manugeorge]

Meet-up groups are like online social clubs that are set up for people to get to know others in their geographical area who are into similar interests or hobbies. The group spans a wide variety of interests and hobbies. So let's say you want to join a salsa dancing meet-up group or a Chicago cubs fans meet-up group. You sign up online and the leader organizes get togethers, meetings, happy hours, etc where everyone can come together, participate in that hobby and socialize. People often use it to make friends and meet other like-minded folks in their area.

 

It's a nifty little idea and It's actually quite popular in big cities where it can sometimes be hard to meet new people.

 

Maybe your stbx is just using it to branch out.

[Mr. Lucky]

Initially I was hurt that she would even consider that I would be so manipulative, callous, and calculating. I honestly do care for her, and would NEVER want to see my kids hurt as a result of my actions. I'm being totally honest with her about wanting things to be amicable, but she thinks I'm playing some kind of game. I've NEVER been one to play games or tolerate someone playing games with me.

 

So, I don't know what to think....

Stay the course. Part of the process is answering the question "What kind of person are you going to be???" after your separation and divorce. Your stbx will continue to do and say things designed to provoke a reaction on your part. Realizing that in advance is part of the challenge of managing your own emotional and physical health during this tough time.

 

Like it or not, you two are going to have to navigate the details of this separation together. If she lawyers up, so can you, but with kids involved it's always best to keep things as civil and amicable as possible...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey Shortie]

Sorry to hear about your seperation angryyoungman. But it sounds like you are handling it with maturity. And perhaps this will give you the chance to find a woman that will care about you...of course once your ready for that again. As for your kids, I think most kids rather have happy parents then be in a home with sad ones.

[angryyoungman70]

Sorry to hear about your seperation angryyoungman. But it sounds like you are handling it with maturity. And perhaps this will give you the chance to find a woman that will care about you...of course once your ready for that again. As for your kids, I think most kids rather have happy parents then be in a home with sad ones.

 

Couldn't agree with you more JS. And now that the fog is lifting, I actually am feeling good about myself, which I have been unable to do for a very long time. Taking the high road will further my independant growth.

 

Cheers

[2sunny]

A few things have surfaced that are making me wonder about the real reason my stbx was so insistant that I move out and that we get a divorce.

 

First, she was shooting a wedding last weekend out of town. I phoned her sister on Sunday am to see if my stbx was there and she wasn't. I assumed then for that matter that she had stayed with her mom and dad who also live in that city. According to her sister, however, my stbx did not spend the night after the wedding at her parents either, as she had just spoken to her mom before I called. She has no other family to stay with in that city, and always stays with one or the other.

 

I also went out on Saturday, as both of my kids were at sleepovers. I met a couple of ladies and ended up hanging out with them all night, eventually driving them back to thier apartment, as I was not drinking and they were excessively. Needless to say, they were falling all over me all night. I had fun, but never crossed any lines. I arrived home and slept in my clothes on top of the covers of the bed that I have not slept in for over a month. Well, stbx comes home a day early, and accuses me of having sex with someone in HER bed, as she said that she could smell perfume on the bed. At first she was her typical angry, bullying self, but the next day, as I was moving out, she told me that she didn't care and did not appear agitated one bit.

 

Next fishy thing. The day after I moved out, she installed a keyed lock on her (our) bedroom door. ??

 

So last night, as I was at the house while she's at work, I decide I'm going to look at the computer's browser history. Not only has she been subscribing to something called a "meetup group" for a few weeks, she's also enrolled in several events including this weekend, which is the first weekend apart.

 

So I dig deeper, and I find subject lines to two emails that she sent two days ago. They were "tonight" and "miss you". These were both sent on one of the days that she works late. According to the kids, she was later than usual that evening.

 

My sister then calls me last night and tells me that stbx phoned her earlier in the day under the pretense of making sure that I'm ok. She then starts digging, and trying to find out from my sister if I'm being sincere about not wanting to cause her any hardship with the divorce. She actually asked my sister if she should get a lawyer and start the process of taking me to the cleaners as a pre-emptive strike. WTF????

 

Initially I was hurt that she would even consider that I would be so manipulative, callous, and calculating. I honestly do care for her, and would NEVER want to see my kids hurt as a result of my actions. I'm being totally honest with her about wanting things to be amicable, but she thinks I'm playing some kind of game. I've NEVER been one to play games or tolerate someone playing games with me.

 

So, I don't know what to think....

 

HUGE RED FLAGS!

 

she didn't stay with family because she had somewhere else to stay.

 

she gaslighted you by being accusatory when she was feeling guilty. this puts you in a defensive mental state so that you are temporarily unable to consider what she's trying to hide for herself.

 

the lock on her bedroom? geez, can she be more obvious in trying to show you that she has things going on that she doesn't want you to see?

 

history - browser: she's got something going on with someone and is at the very least emotionally connected to another.

 

pre-emptive strike? she's trying to get sympathy from YOUR family members? honey - time to protect YOUR best interest and your kids best interest. she is about to decalre war and you are in duck and cover mode. get proactive. move half of everything and be fair but firm with your best interest in mind.

 

she will take you to the cleaners and justify it at this point. if you take half there is no reason for guilt. but do not wait until she takes MORE than half... because she will - and soon.

 

to expect that she will be fair and reasonable at this point is idiotic. she is setting you up.

 

hire a PI, get a keylogger on her computer and a voice recorder for her purse that looks like a pen. find out what she really has going on... a lot of cheating is what it smells like.

 

move money and assets - she will take more than her share if you don't protect yourself.