What can I do to improve our marriage?

[mattysmom]

H and I have been married for over 8 yrs, together for 10 and I feel like every issue with our relationship is the same things over and over. There are several issues, but whenever I bring something up all we do is fight and I am just tired of dealing with all of it. I *know* that I am approaching a bad place because I pretty much just don't care anymore. Do I continue to bring up these same issues or suggest counseling or what? Or should I pick and choose, is that more effective? H says that I am selfish and I always want everything my way when I tell him we need to talk because I'm unhappy and bring these things up. The last time (a year and a half ago) that I told him we needed to talk in a dead serious way he went on for months afterwards about how he felt betrayed that he works hard and only thinks of me and our son and I was feeling that way. I had read the marriage builders book and wanted to work through it. H is not a bad guy, and I know I'm not a perfect wife but I just can't imagine living like this for the next 50 years.

 

For example, he pretty much has his own thing going on, he'll be in his office all day on Saturday and when he comes out at mealtimes all he talks about football games and gets irritated that I am not wanting to be chatty about the game. He doesn't spend much quality time with our 5yo son and since I am a SAHM and homeschooling I am pretty much glued to him all day long, then H says that it's not fair that he likes me more than him. I feel pressured to provide everything, physically, emotionally, mentally for our son. I really wanted to have another child for a few years but H wasn't ready and didn't know if he'd ever be. Now he says he is but we need to have sex at the right time for it to happen and that hasn't worked out for the past 6 mos. Now I'm thinking I don't want to have another one if it's going to be how it has been. I'm really disappointed with the type of relationship H has with our son. He never goes anywhere with us, a couple times I insisted and he just acted miserable the whole time and complained afterwards. He either hangs out at home or at work and it's easier for me when he's not around. I've asked him to spend more time with our son and not criticize/tease him when he talks to him.

 

Sex is another issue, when we were dating he said that he didn't feel comfortable having sex often because he didn't want me to get pregnant - but things didn't change much after getting married. I stopped initiating long ago because I couldn't handle the rejection anymore. I've told him many times that I want to improve our sex life and he says he agrees but it's still the same old same old. And I don't know if the things that bother me will ever change. He says that he doesn't have a high sex drive and I get the impression that he prefers sex to be neat and tidy.

 

Well, there are a lot of other things I could mention here but the more I think about it the more angry I feel so I can just leave it at that for now. There have been times that I have thought (to myself, never out loud) that I want to get divorced but truthfully, I have been married since I was 21, after graduating from college I never worked and have been a SAHM for almost 6 yrs. After years of struggling financially because H was a grad student he now makes decent money and we have a house and we don't live near any family. So even if I actually got to that point I don't know that I would leave unless there was some kind of dramatic event.

 

Anyways, I don't know how to make any of this better besides the ways I've been trying and they're obviously not working. Any advice? Thanks for reading all the way to here!

[Ladyjane14]

I've often seen it posted here that the definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, all the while expecting different results.

 

My suggestion to you would be to start with a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. What this book does is to get you thinking about how a person best recognizes love from his/her mate. In that way, you can each "speak" to one another in the specific "love language" that allows your partner to feel your affection. The author's premise is that people best recognize loving action in the following catagories:

Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

 

For example, when he comes to you and wants to talk about football... he's asking for you for attention. He wants to share some "Quality Time" with you and engage you in his life. When you respond positively to that, he feels your love. For your part, just as you might respond to "Physical Touch" in a positive way, you're going to respond negatively to the lack of it.

 

This isn't the end-all and be-all of relationship books, but it's an easy read with a simple premise that will get you thinking about how the two of you deposit and withdraw "love units" from your relationship.

 

You might also try Love Busters by Harley, which will get you thinking about ways to improve your communications and help you set some ground rules so that you're facing conflict in a more wholesome way.

[Mr. Lucky]

For example, when he comes to you and wants to talk about football... he's asking for you for attention. He wants to share some "Quality Time" with you and engage you in his life. When you respond positively to that, he feels your love. For your part, just as you might respond to "Physical Touch" in a positive way, you're going to respond negatively to the lack of it.

I got the impression from your post that your H feels just as lost, isolated and unloved as you do. Ladyjanes advice is good, but also remember this - the person that truly wants the change has to make the first step. And it's more than reading a book, you (and eventually him) have to change the way you think. Instead of thinking about your needs, focus on meeting his. If he is, as you descibe him, a good man then he'll see the positive change and start to reciprocate. I know it's hard to think about reaching out to him when you feel beaten, battered and bruised, but your post conveys a resolve that makes me think that you're a strong person. Hope it works out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Curmudgeon]

It may help it you start finding small ways to romance him daily. Here's one example. I'm sure you can think up others. They don't have to be big, just heartfelt and constant. In time he'll likely reciprocate.

 

SHMILY - By Laura Jeanne Allen

 

My grandparents were married for over half a century, and played their own special game from the time they had met each other.

 

The goal of their game was to write the word shmily" in a surprise place for the other to find. They took turns leaving "shmily" around the house, and as soon as one of them discovered it, it was their turn to hide it once more. They dragged "shmily" with their fingers through the sugar and flour containers to await whoever was preparing the next meal.

 

They smeared it in the dew on the windows overlooking the patio where my grandma always fed us warm, homemade pudding with blue food coloring. "Shmily" was written in the steam left on the mirror after a hot shower, where it would reappear bath after bath.

 

At one point, my grandmother even unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper to leave "shmily" on the very last sheet. There was no end to the places "shmily" would pop up.

Little notes with "shmily" scribbled hurriedly were found on dashboards and car seats, or taped to steering wheels.

 

The notes were stuffed inside shoes and left under pillows. "Shmily" was written in the dust upon the mantel and traced in the ashes of the fireplace.

 

This mysterious word was as much a part of my grandparents' house as the furniture. It took me a long time before I was able to fully appreciate my grandparents' game.

 

Skepticism has kept me from believing in true love-one that is pure and enduring. However, I never doubted my grandparents' relationship. They had love down pat. It was more than their flirtatious little games; it was a way of life.

 

Their relationship was based on a devotion and passionate affection, which not everyone is lucky enough to experience.

 

Grandma and Grandpa held hands every chance they could. They stole kisses as they bumped into each other in their tiny kitchen. They finished each other's sentences and shared the daily crossword puzzle and word jumble.

 

My grandma whispered to me about how cute my grandpa was, how handsome and old he had grown to be. She claimed that she really knew "how to pick 'em."

 

Before every meal they bowed their heads and gave thanks, marveling at their blessings: a wonderful family, good fortune, and each other. But there was a dark cloud in my grandparents' life: my grandmother had breast cancer.

 

The disease had first appeared ten years earlier. As always, Grandpa was with here every step of the way. He comforted her in their yellow room, painted that way so that she could always be surrounded by sunshine, even when she was too sick to go outside.

 

Now the cancer was again attacking her body. With the help of a cane and my grandfather's steady hand, they went to church every morning. But my grandmother grew steadily weaker until, finally, she could not leave the house anymore.

 

For a while, Grandpa would go to church alone, praying to God to watch over his wife. Then one day, what we all dreaded finally happened. Grandma was gone.

Shmily." It was scrawled in yellow on the pink ribbons of my grandmother's funeral bouquet.

 

As the crowd thinned and the last mourners turned to leave, my aunts, uncles, cousins and other family members came forward and gathered around Grandma one last time.

 

Grandpa stepped up to my grandmother's casket and, taking a shaky breath, he began to sing to her. Through his tears and grief, the song came, a deep and throaty lullaby. Shaking with my own sorrow, I will never forget that moment. For I knew that, although I couldn't begin to fathom the depth of their love, I had been privileged to witness its unmatched beauty.

 

S-H-M-I-L-Y: See How Much I Love You.

[Ladyjane14]

Wow. That was just beautiful, Curm.

[mattysmom]

Thanks everyone for the ideas. It is hard to try to feel loving when I've been cleaning, cooking, and playing with DS all day and H has been holed up "working" but comes out talking about the game. It's true that I think a lot more about what I want, versus what H wants from me and the problem is probably that we both do that.

 

I noticed a lot of men on here seem to be blindsided by the wife leaving, but you don't know how many times I try to talk about things and it's always, "sorry, I won't do it again" and then the conversation is supposed to be over. If I pursue it and say I want to work something out, not just have him take the blame he just gets irritated and then I can't keep bringing it up because then I'm nagging. How can I bring up that I'm having problems with our relationship without seeming like I'm threatening divorce, yet show that I am really serious and not just nagging? We've talked about everything before many times so to him I'm harping on the same things, and we've stayed together despite the issues being unresolved so I don't how to signify that I'm really starting to get fed up now. I've tried just ignoring my own feelings and trying to make peace but then H just thinks he's in the clear and everything is hunky dory. I convinced him to do Harley's emotional needs thing last year but he really hated it, says that he doesn't want any outsiders telling him how to work on his marriage.

 

Thanks again for all the help!

[Curmudgeon]

Thanks everyone for the ideas. It is hard to try to feel loving when I've been cleaning, cooking, and playing with DS all day and H has been holed up "working" but comes out talking about the game. It's true that I think a lot more about what I want, versus what H wants from me and the problem is probably that we both do that.

 

I noticed a lot of men on here seem to be blindsided by the wife leaving, but you don't know how many times I try to talk about things and it's always, "sorry, I won't do it again" and then the conversation is supposed to be over. If I pursue it and say I want to work something out, not just have him take the blame he just gets irritated and then I can't keep bringing it up because then I'm nagging. How can I bring up that I'm having problems with our relationship without seeming like I'm threatening divorce, yet show that I am really serious and not just nagging? We've talked about everything before many times so to him I'm harping on the same things, and we've stayed together despite the issues being unresolved so I don't how to signify that I'm really starting to get fed up now. I've tried just ignoring my own feelings and trying to make peace but then H just thinks he's in the clear and everything is hunky dory. I convinced him to do Harley's emotional needs thing last year but he really hated it, says that he doesn't want any outsiders telling him how to work on his marriage.

 

Thanks again for all the help!

 

Your feelings are real, valid and extremely important.

 

Clearly it's time, or past time, for the two of you to have a real conversation, not a confrontation, about all this; especially as lack of productive communication appears to be the primary problem here.

 

I was one of those blind-sided men you mentioned and I shut down when the ex tried to talk. However, approach is everything. If you open an argument with accusations and negatives, most men will head for their cave. You'll get the same reaction from beginning a conversation with, "We have to talk!" That strikes fear in even the strongest man's heart.

 

You owe it to your husband and yourself to let him know just how strongly you feel. Whether you relate that to him during couples counseling or you try to do so in the confines and privacy of your own home, he should be made aware that the marriage is at risk but there might be a relatively easy and painless solution. The solution is called, "Talk to me, damnit, and really listen to what I have to say!"

 

Since you're "stuck" at home all day caring for both the house and your child, why not try to get him to agree on a reasonable and regularly scheduled date night? It doesn't have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as a hot dog and a movie or going OUT for a pizza and a couple of beers. You'd be surprised what a change of venue can do to open the doors to communication. You can also rediscover what it was, when you were dating, that attracted you to one another in the first place.

 

If all else fails, you may have to bring out the big guns such as "It's counseling or I'm gone" or even, "There have to be some changes here or this relationship will be over" but hopefully, it won't ever come to that. However, he does need to know that resolution is an absolute must.

 

Best of luck!

[OpenBook]

If all else fails, you may have to bring out the big guns such as "It's counseling or I'm gone" or even, "There have to be some changes here or this relationship will be over" but hopefully, it won't ever come to that. However, he does need to know that resolution is an absolute must.

 

Heck if I were you I would cut right to the chase with this advice. No sense wasting time. You've already tried everything you can think of to get his attention, and it hasn't worked.

 

The only other thing I can think of is to write it all down, in a love letter to your H - and leave it in his office "cave" when he's not looking. The next time he retreats in there, he will be able to read it at his leisure, without pressure.

[mattysmom]

I think I will try the letter idea, that might be a good way to communicate that I'm really serious without freaking him out right away. I did suggest the date thing last night but H is really cheap, plus he never wants to go out just for the purpose of going out. That's why DS and I go everywhere alone, H always opts to stay home. Maybe after I write a letter H will be more willing to take me somewhere.

 

Does anyone have any pointers on what to write in a letter? Obviously I should not start it with accusations but I wasn't sure how it would be most effective? Thanks for all the help!

[Cobra_X30]

Does anyone have any pointers on what to write in a letter? Obviously I should not start it with accusations but I wasn't sure how it would be most effective? Thanks for all the help!

 

Yes! Start that letter by talking about all the positive things the two of you share!

 

Not only will that help him open up and listen to what you have to say... but it will also force you to recognize the good things you have! That will assist you in keeping venom and anger out of the letter.