I think my husband doesn't love me anymore

[kkate]

Hi. I desperately need feedback.

 

For some time now, I have felt like my husband and I are just roommates. We have been married for 11 years now, with 2 children.

 

From the beginning, he has had an extremely low libido, and I often felt very rejected. We talked about this problem many times, and he really doesn't have anything to say. Then, after the fight/conversation, the next few days or weeks, he makes a concerted effort to be more affectionate.

 

As time when on, and our children were born, the affection has almost completely stopped (unless initiated by me) and our sex life is non-existent. (sporadically, 1-2 every three months - sometimes longer.) When we do have sex, it is generally me doing all the work, on top. He doesn't seem to want to make any effort. I feel extremely unsatisfied afterwards, and usually have to finish by myself.

 

He spends all his free time doing things other than with me, house work, helping his brother, going to his friend's house (no, it's not a woman.) On the days that he actually does something with the kids, it is because I have asked him to, or they ask to tag along.

 

I am a packrat - I keep things if they are useful, or can be useful in the future. Why throw away and re-buy something later, if you can save until it is needed? Anyway, one of his big beefs with me is that he wants the house, our life, everything, to resemble a magazine spread. Life does not happen this way. Especially after 11+ years accumulating, and 2 small children! I try to make it better, but when I do, I get no gratitude or small thanks - generally, his whole attitude on it is, "It should have been like this the whole time."

 

I work from home. I am a graphic designer that works from home. I went to school specifically to get a degree, so that I could work from home, and be an at-home mom for our children. Because I am at home, he appears to think I have a magical clock, that has 48 hours to his 24. I work at night, and the occasional daytime phone call, email, and meeting. All of this can be interrupted at anytime, for something my family needs (happens all the time, multiple times) I think that on the days he is home, he could help out and let me get some work done, un-interrupted. He sees it as, "This is what you do all the time, and you are neglecting our kids." Not true. But he won't believe me. From the beginning, he viewed my at home work as a "hobby" nothing more. I didn't argue, because starting out, it was very slow. Now my salary is almost double his - and I still make dinner every night at 6pm. Still, no acknowledgement from him, and even worse, it is his scapegoat for everything that I am doing wrong in his life.

 

He never smiles un-prompted. He never walks up to me and just hugs me. I would go weeks without getting kissed, if it weren't for me initiating it. This is his attitude towards me.

 

He smiles, laughs with and hugs the kids, he interacts.

 

But nothing for me.

 

Today, he took the kids to the mall (which he told them he would yesterday) he said, "well, I guess I'll take them to the mall, since you aren't going to do anything with them." Meanwhile, up until that point, he had been playing a free online game. - I was finishing up a varnish file for a client. I said, "Great, I'll go with ya'll." He said, no I don't want you to go. Stay here and finish whatever it is you needed to get finished. I told him I was already finished, and I would love to go on a family outing. Nope, didn't want me to go. I walked outside to the garage with him, out of range from the kids, and asked him point blank, "why don't you want me to go?" His response was that he didn't want to argue. I said, "I don't either - but I would like to go." I asked him, "what is wrong? why don't you want to be around me? I was disappointed that you had to go to your brothers last night, I would have liked you to come home and spend time with me."

He replies, "Can you move out of the way? I would like to leave now."

The whole time he interacted with me, he kept looking the other direction, and sighing.

 

I feel so lost. I want to be loved. I want to be appreciated. I want to be wanted. My kids are going to grow up thinking that it is okay for daddies not to love their mommies! My oldest asks me now, "Why is Daddy mad at you? Why is Daddy mean to you?"

 

I don't know what to say. I tell her, "I don't know, Daddy is probably just having a bad day." (...after day, after day, after day....)

 

Being it has been 11 years of stories, arguments, etc., it is a very intricate story that leaves me baffled. I cannot possibly write it all down here now, but I am in the process of contacting a marriage counselor, so that I can talk about it. Speaking your story is almost always easier than writing it - as text cannot hold voice inflection.

 

My sadness is all-encompassing.

[JackJack]

Have you tried marriage counseling? He sounds depressed. Have you actually sat down with him and told him how you feel? If so, what is his response?

[Kasan]

Kat,

 

I ran a business from my home for ten years and found that nobody respected the fact that I was working.

 

Neighbors would want me to watch their kids (as I was home) when they were sick or during snow days, or just pop in. I found it extremely difficult to convince these people that I was working a job just like them.

 

I am wondering if you could move your business out of the home? I know that you are working from home to be with them, but it is really hard to establish boundaries. Maybe, you could rent a place and go there one or two days a week....your husband would then "get it".

 

I am not sure your husband understands just how difficult it is to run a business, handle the kids, and have dinner on the table. You feel that you are being taken advantage of, doing more than your share while he is at his brother's house. Hard not to feel resentful!

 

Counceling is an excellent idea for you!

[kkate]

Have you tried marriage counseling? He sounds depressed. Have you actually sat down with him and told him how you feel? If so, what is his response?

 

I've thought that too, that he might be depressed. But for 11 years? It recently got worse about 2 years ago when his Dad died of cancer. He now takes care of his mom's finances. (I take care of all of ours.)

 

I can't help but feel he blames me for all that makes him unhappy.

[kkate]

I don't think he'll ever "get it" because he doesn't want to. He does not beleive that working from home is a real job.

[Cobra_X30]

If it brings in money... it is a real job.

 

I agree that he sounds depressed... which means he is super wrapped up in himself. Thats not your fault!

 

Maybe you can get him in to some therapy?

[ohmy3]

wow gosh i am in the same boat self employed- stay @ home mom for 12 yrs now,i dont' earn as much as my hubby , but i earn alot more than when i did work and had to pay a sitter when they were small! although we had our 2 kids younger i wasn't ableto attend college @ that time, however i found a my nake for 10 yrs now and it has helped us and got us by w/ what my hubby didn't earn and gosh have i felt the same way as you for yrs. just cause i hae been home i should hae it all done by the end of the day , but i have finally laid the law down and am tiered of bing a door mat while my hubby does things outside of the home for him and not do crap @ home, i went and got enrolled in classes and my 1st 1 is 2night!

our kids are soemwhat older now and i am goign to try to get the ed. i need to have a decent job away form home . it is just that soemtimes they need a reality check! and i knowi have doen what i should have for yrs. now and am not gonna feel liek i am a doormat and that i don't do crap for my family, almost 100% everything you say about sex, closeness, taken for granted to the hilt, working around everyone eles schedule to parent well and still be there for your husband i relate 100%. the free ride is over ............... you will come to that point and put your foot down, you can't force him to tell you what is wrong or talk to you or share things w/ you or make you feel better ONLY you can do that. HOWEVER you can so as the poster above me said try to get and office outside the home or if you can use your degree and get a part time job, he willn't wake up till he is made to.

 

sure MC good, but are you te problem it dont' sound liek it to me and if he don't see any problems than wheres that gonna get you?

 

 

good luck-- don't be a door mat

[Jinnah]

Wow, I don't know. Obviously people do get depressed when someone close to them dies... this might be carrying over even after two years. I do not understand the attitude towards you, though. Are you nice and sweet to him? Are you supportive? Mean or nagging? Happy or sad all the time? Irritable? Do you act like you don't like him? I'm not blaming you at all, I am just trying to find out if you two have a cycle of negative vibes going on.

 

How about you sit down with him and flat out ask him if he still loves you? Tell him you do not feel loved and that you love him with all your heart, but that you are sad because you think he hates you. Tell him you really want the marriage to work and ask what you can do to help him to be happy (it's not your sole responsibility to make him happy, but I do feel that spouses do have a large role in that). I notice the difference in my husband's attitude when I am in a good mood vs. a bad one. People's attitudes play a large part in the functioning of a marriage. Take a step back and check yours out and if you still think it is only him, try smothering him in kindness anyway (not in an annoying way, just a sweet way). Women really do have the tools to make their husbands happy and vice versa.

 

I have heard something along the lines that at any given time one spouse may be more into the marriage than the other one, and that over the years it changes, but as long as one is into it, it can still work out fine. I'm probably not saying that quite right, but I think you get my drift. This is assuming that the one less interested does not believe in affairs, etc. Not saying your husband does, but anyway, my point is, as long as you keep working on it, there is a chance... don't give up!

 

The website, Marriage Builders, always has good advice.

[Kasan]

I don't think he'll ever "get it" because he doesn't want to. He does not beleive that working from home is a real job.

 

Then you need to educate him on this. Is there someplace that you could set up a temporary office so when he is home and watching the kids, you could go there and work?

 

Because your business is in your home, it consumes your life. I never took a vacation because the work needed to get done. Worked days, nights, and holidays. You need to get the office out of the house for the sake of your sanity!

 

My husband didn't see my business as a real job until I moved the office out of my house.

 

I think that you have way too much on your plate and something needs to change. It is breeding anger and resentment at your husband and turning you into a shrew. He probably thinks you're crazy just like my husband did.

 

I can say that because I did the same things! What changed for me?

 

I moved the business

Gave myself permission to take some me time

Hired someone to come in and clean once and a while.

 

You say that the clutter pushes his buttons? Why not take a couple of hours a week to clean up the clutter together? Involve the whole family.

 

Stop being his doormat and asking him if he loves you. It just hurts your feelings and makes you feel even more insecure when he withdraws from you. Table these discussions until the dust settles.

 

You are not crazy, stupid, or unlovable, but rather overtired, overworked, and doing the best that you can with the tools that you have.

 

I'm pretty sure that your husband is probably feeling the same things that you are feeling right now. He has his own demons to battle.

 

You can get through this rough patch, we all have them in our marriages. It's the "for better or worse" part we said in our vows. Work on yourself and the rest should follow.

[PollyIvy]

my husband gets depressed sometimes and doesn't realize it, and there is no way i could ever 'talk to him about it' or get him into counseling or on medication or anything. When he is in one of his dark periods, I find it helps when I acknowledge that he's 'stressed' and 'feeling negative'. The validation seems to help a lot - a lot more than I would ever have thought.

Sorry you're going through this empty marriage thing, a lot of us have been there. i hope it passes at some point.

[Bobby NoBrains]

He sounds very depressed and unable to cope with a loving relationship atm. Depression makes a person very introverted and insecure to the extent of feeling vulnerable about sharing intimacy with anyone including the wife where he has to deal with you in an adult situation. Perhaps he is also suffering from performance anxiety because of his depression, which might explain his alienating himself from your physical needs. He definitely needs independent counseling, perhaps marital counseling would be a good start where the MC could suggest separate sessions for him. Can't think of much else to suggest atm.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby