fairy_dust Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Well I got married young and I feel I need to do things for myself in respects of paying my own rent and buying my own stuff and everything I do is from me. My husband and I are going on 4 years of marriage and been together for 6. We have no children and no other strings attached when we met. The thing is that I been taken cared off really good and I couldn't have asked for a better life with my husband. Although, I been dependent on him and I feel like I need to do things for myself. I am going through school and I work but I tend to be temporary of my jobs and think "oh my husband's paycheck will cover it". He tells me that I can do whatever I want I just have to be faithful and honest with our union. I am and vice versa with him, although, am I being too much or silly when I say "I'd like to do things for myself" and if I decide to move out and have trial separation to live alone will that cause repercussions in my marriage. I know I am still young in my mid 20s and I am naive about many things but I would like to know if anyone has felt that way being married so young? need advice.....thanks Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 27, 2007 Share Posted July 27, 2007 Well I got married young and I feel I need to do things for myself in respects of paying my own rent and buying my own stuff and everything I do is from me. Oh come on....thats not the real reason you want to get out of the marriage. Nobody ever gets out of a marriage because they feel like they wanna pay their own rent. You want out so you can mess around with other guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 fairy, Im not sure if I read your post correctly. Are you seriously saying that that you want to separate with your husband so that you can learn to live on your own? Hmmm.... from your previous posts I gathered that your marriage was not 100% happy, but I didnt think it was this bad. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 The thing is that I been taken cared off really good and I couldn't have asked for a better life with my husband. Although, I been dependent on him and I feel like I need to do things for myself. I am going through school and I work but I tend to be temporary of my jobs and think "oh my husband's paycheck will cover it". There's no reason why you can't get your act together and start a career while you are married. You can contribute to the rent (or savings to buy a home) and buy your own things while you are married. You just haven't wanted to so far, which is why you don't take your school or work seriously. Believe me, separating will just make your realize exactly how broke, dependent, and irresponsible you are. It's not going to make you more responsible - only you can do that and it has to come from within yourself. And yes, you will do irreparable harm to your marriage if you separate for this reason. There is no guarantee your husband would take you back when you got tired of playing adult on your own. Grow up and become an adult within your marriage. And be honest with yourself about why you want to separate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 Oh come on....thats not the real reason you want to get out of the marriage. Nobody ever gets out of a marriage because they feel like they wanna pay their own rent. You want out so you can mess around with other guys. With diseases that circulate I prefer to be monogamous....promiscuous sex is not my entire life or plan at that! But I figure it was so easy for you to assume that's ALL I want. There is more to life than just sex, sex and sex my feelings are towards being independent and how I can do things for me for a change. Although, you would see it as a crap excuse because you view my intentions as not being for the better as an individual but an individual who just wants sex. Well guess what.....your wrong and that's it Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I can very much understand your need to be independent and I encourage you to be... but IMO you can be independent within your marriage, unless you don't love your husband anymore.. From what I read, he seems like a nice guy, who will let you do what you need to do to gain more confidence and independence. I am not sure I understand your post though. but if I were you, I would plan my career, you're still young and do what is needed to do to achieve your goal. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 It's just that I haven't had the opportunity to do anything for myself in regards to providing for me. I mean marriages are never perfect and couples have their issues, and well from previous posts that you may have read from me. There were a lot of security issues that we both had. I mean the first 5 years of marriage is not all honeymoon, we were getting adjusted to eachother and how our personality traits and characterisitcs makes us upset with one another or happy. I am not seriously thinking too just pick up and go, but it's been on my mind and well I am thinking as to why I feel this way? It's not just my soul reason to leave so I can pay my own rent and whatnot but rather these insecurities and hang ups with both have about eachother. I mean it's that saying "everybody needs some time away". Make what you will of my post I am just indesicive about a lot of things and I don't want to carry on a marriage that I know will make him unhappy in the long run. So it's not just for the benefit of my but him as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 and well from previous posts that you may have read from me. no I haven't read any previous posts, that I can remember... I just answer from your OP here... and from what I feel from reading it... Make what you will of my post I am just indesicive about a lot of things and I don't want to carry on a marriage that I know will make him unhappy in the long run. So it's not just for the benefit of my but him as well. I didn't 'make' anything of your post... but hey, if you think that you'll be better off out of the M...then get out... simple. I guess you know better than anyone what you really want with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 Hey Lizzie60 thanks for the non berating post, your right I am still young and there are things I have to plan for in regards to a career. I guess I need to delve deeper into myself and look for what it is I want to do. I just want to keep myself happy so it keeps my husband happy. It's this ambitious feeling that I get, to not worry about anyone or anything and be on my own and just concentrate on myself. Guess it's the age factor.....I will GROW UP one day soon like everybody else who tells me too:-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 the one post about it's not all about sex was intended for "cobra", not at you Lizzie.....but it's ok I can see why you would post what you did:-) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 You need to feel like you could make it on your own without ANY help whatsoever from anyone. The thing is, once you've proven you can make it on your own, will the feelings of love and passion still be there for your husband? Will you want to stay married? I can understand both sides of this and I bet he's terrified he's gonna lose you. If you do end up separating for a while, just make sure you don't put yourself in a situation where something could happen with someone else - And I'm not talking about sex, I'm just talking about emotional connection and wanting to explore those feelings... Will you and your H be in daily contact and part of eachothers lives, like dating, or will it be no contact at all? You also might want to set up rules for BOTH of you to follow while apart... Good luck and I hope you find yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I'm in my mid 20s and working on my B.A. as my s/o is in the military active duty. We have a wonderful life together for the reason that we married for love and not for obligations i.e. having a baby. It was just a week ago that you posted this. Seems like an awful lot to throw away on a need that could easily be satisfied with the bounds of your relationship. I wouldn't do anything impulsively... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 Whichwayisup very good insight about your comments, as being married at 19 didn't know if it was the "right" decision but I was in love and you just can't top that. I am glad you understand that I have to "find" myself and it is common with many marriages when one or the both of the parties feel they need to "be alone". Am I dead serious about leaving? well it's being considered in my mind although, I will have a heart to heart and mind to mind talk with my H and see his response. I also had in mind to lay out rules if in fact that this separation takes place. Don't get me wrong I am so in love with my husband, it's just "me" and my views on what I need to do. This is to keep order of my sanity and dignity as my own and not for anyone to tear down because of the "power" or "advantage" they have over me. I just want my H to know that I don't need him to survive as I am capable of doing just what I have too. I want my H I don't need him to get anywhere in life, it's establishing the self sustaining situation for me as well as feeling secured with who I am. So when this is fulfilled then I can be able to continue making him as fulfilled with the individual I am and what I am building as a solid foundation for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 This is to keep order of my sanity and dignity as my own and not for anyone to tear down because of the "power" or "advantage" they have over me. I just want my H to know that I don't need him to survive as I am capable of doing just what I have too. I want my H I don't need him to get anywhere in life, it's establishing the self sustaining situation for me as well as feeling secured with who I am. So when this is fulfilled then I can be able to continue making him as fulfilled with the individual I am and what I am building as a solid foundation for myself. I honestly don't understand why you have to leave him in order to establish yourself in your life and to feel secure with who you are. There are lots and lots of two-career couples out there. What are you studying? What kind of career do you want? Why do you feel you can't have a career and be married and living with your husband? And, I'll ask the obvious question...if your H is in the military, isn't there a likelihood you'll be separated anyway at some point because he may be deployed somewhere? Or is it that you really want out of your marriage, and to be free of him altogether? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 Mr. Lucky I am not throwing anything way, and I don't do things impulsively otherwise I wouldn't post. I think things over to consider what I have to say to my H. I know it's normal to feel unsure about many things in a marriage but I am not giving up on it. Life is not perfect and marriage isn't either; it doesn't take a big diaster for two people to be apart at one point in time of their union. People live their relationship and lives differently, some just give up and get out and others just stick around and deal with it while being miserable as other's separate to "find themselves" again. Whatever the case I married young and have insecurities and doubts, but that's something I am working on to overcome. Impulsive decisions is based on unrational resoning and with that comes with actions of stupidity. It's a person who thinks rationally to voice out what it is their feeling and thinking to make the best of what they want to decide on. So......am I being rational or unrational through my posts? Link to post Share on other sites
Author fairy_dust Posted July 28, 2007 Author Share Posted July 28, 2007 Norajane I don't want to divorce him if that covers the alltogeather deal. He is away months and months at a time and if you haven't lived the military life then it's a situation that is viewed through your civilian eyes and perceptions. Yea you would think "wouldn't you have all that time to be ALONE when he is deployed?!" Yes........but it's year after year you deal with being married but living life alone most of the time. Your life your job/career and plans are dictated by where your gonna pack up and go next. You get uprooted and moved just like that and well it takes so much outta you. I go through a lot when my H is away.... I mean damn with people who are married and who are two careered are they in the military living that kind of life to sacrifice a lengthy period of time a part? It's not easy.....it never is and being married to a service man makes you think and feel many things 100xs more over than couples who sit down each night at the dinner table and talk about their day working. It personally takes a lot out of you and yes spouses of service men and women who live alone most of their time still need to get away for the reasons that they think too. It's to preserve the self sanity from what they go through, and with that its another reason why I feel that I would like to do things on my own. It's just what makes this posting board a dynamic one with the dynamic situations that are not so conventional to be easily written off as what you conventionally put togeather. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 With diseases that circulate I prefer to be monogamous....promiscuous sex is not my entire life or plan at that! But I figure it was so easy for you to assume that's ALL I want. There is more to life than just sex, sex and sex my feelings are towards being independent and how I can do things for me for a change. Although, you would see it as a crap excuse because you view my intentions as not being for the better as an individual but an individual who just wants sex. Well guess what.....your wrong and that's it uh...mmm.hmmm.....okay....??? Whatever you say. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 ...if I decide to move out and have trial separation to live alone will that cause repercussions in my marriage. Yes, there would be repercussions. In emotional terms, you will have abandoned him. For the sake of his own best interests, he would do well to leave you behind should that happen because he'll never be able to trust that you'll be with him through thick and thin in the future. You may certainly decide to separate from your husband. But it takes TWO to decide if that separation is going to be a "trial". And even should you decide on that together, either one of you may elect permanent separation at any time. "Trial" separation increases the odds of permanent separation. It is a period of time in which partners are not meeting one another's emotional needs. Often during this time, they elect to get them met elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Cerise Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 The grass is always greener on the other side. You can fantisise about what your life would be like if you were on your own and a independant career woman but the reality is when you get there you are still the same you, you feel the same and think the same and the only way to become comfortable with you and your life is to look inside yourself and deal with you. In all reality it dosn't matter wether your married or not inorder for you to be happy you will have to do that, seperation is not going to change how you feel just possibly provide a distraction from looking at yourself for the time being. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 The grass is always greener on the other side. Always is.....until after you have mowed it for several years. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 It's just what makes this posting board a dynamic one with the dynamic situations that are not so conventional to be easily written off as what you conventionally put togeather. If you have an unconventional problem, then you can't expect everyone to automatically know that if you don't tell them what your circumstances are. So, yes, you're going to get a lot of responses that don't take into consideration what your real problem is and the factors that are affecting you. If you don't want a divorce, then what you need is tools to help you deal better with what your marriage circumstances are. I imagine there are some support websites out there for military wives - people who are in exactly your situation and who might have advice and experience to share from people who know exactly what you're going through. I googled and found militarywives.com. There's a link on the left for the Support forum - a board where you can post your issues and get advice. Give it a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 It's a person who thinks rationally to voice out what it is their feeling and thinking to make the best of what they want to decide on. So......am I being rational or unrational through my posts? I would characterize your thinking as rational and consistent BUT based on a flawed underlying principle - that you have to separate from your H (whom you say you love and don't want to hurt) in order to grow and develop as a person. All of the things you say you want to achieve for yourself (independence, self-reliance, self-confidence, are all admirable qualities) are traits that your H could also come to see as desirable, especially given the separations involved in the military life. Why endanger your marriage in pursuit of them? Change also is not limited to one's younger years. I married my second W while in my 30's, and I like to think I'm a different (hopefully better ) person now in my 50's. There are a lot of rewards in sticking around and changing together Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
RIDINGTHEBULLS1 Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 Aren't you making a mountain out of a molehill? I think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 I think you need to get some counseling immediately! That will give you a chance to examine why you are feeling what you are feeling and to look at constructive ways to deal with these issues. Right now you sound very confused and frankly, and I am trying to be constructive in saying this, you sound selfish. You say that you love your H and don't want a divorce, and that you have time to be on your own when he is away. (I grew up in the military, and I know what it is like.) Well, then work on your life while he is gone. Get a career started, get two bank accounts. Have his income go to one and yours to another. Use yours to pay all the bills and to cover all your spending money while he is away if you want to see so badly what it is like. His can end up being a great savings account for you both. Get some hobbies outside of the house, take classes, join a gym, become part of a local group of some sort. Don't just be a wife, be yourself. But being a wife is still part of who you are. You DON'T have to get separated to get your life in order! Especially since you are already apart so much as it is. You need to take control of the life you have chosen. If you really love your husband you won't be so selfish as to move out on him just because you want to try being independant. A healthy marriage is composed of two independant people in partnership with each other. So become independant within your marriage. Don't destroy your marriage over your own insecurities. Seriously, get some counseling before you ruin a great thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 the one post about it's not all about sex was intended for "cobra", not at you Lizzie.....but it's ok I can see why you would post what you did:-) Fairy, Are you serious??? You must have me confused with someone else! I actually read your original post, along with some other threads. I think you can accomplish your goal without seperating, and yes I understand what military life is like. Yes, you may love your Husband but if you go back and read all of your posts and put them together, you are having some marriage issues. Link to post Share on other sites
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