Bratatat Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Why does he do it? Why does he lie? Why won't he have sex with me? I am in good shape, height/weight proportionate and people say I am pretty. I am willing to experiment in bed and am willing (and interested) in watching porn with him. One time when I put on a black lace bra and panties he rejected me anyway. He keeps it in secret and hides it from me. I just caught him again, when he has supposedly been "porn dry" for the past two years. He will not share this part of himself with me. He won't have sex with me. We have been married for six years. The first three months were great. After that, I could probably count the number of times we've made love. I feel so empty and so left out. We have started seeing a therapist. My hubby says he wants to be intimate with me, but that he's been addicted to porn since he was 17. He's 42 now. I was unaware of his preference for porn for the first four years of our marriage. I assumed we were not having sex because he was asexual or gay. Is there hope for us? Should I just learn to satisfy my needs for intimacy elsewhere until he is willing to share it with me? How do I trust him again? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Why does he do it? Why does he lie? Why won't he have sex with me? We have started seeing a therapist. My hubby says he wants to be intimate with me, but that he's been addicted to porn since he was 17. He's 42 now. I was unaware of his preference for porn for the first four years of our marriage. Sounds like you have your answer. He is in thearpy with you, he admitted he was addicted and has been for years. I understand you're frustrated, but an addiction like that for as long as it has been is going to take soem time in thearpy to get a handle on. The best thing I know you could do, is try to be suporrtive of him being in thearpy, try to be loving, and understanding. Has the thearpist recommened any kind of info for you as his wife on how to deal with or learn more about this kind of addcition? How long have you both been in thearpy for this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bratatat Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 Sounds like you have your answer. He is in thearpy with you, he admitted he was addicted and has been for years. I understand you're frustrated, but an addiction like that for as long as it has been is going to take soem time in thearpy to get a handle on. The best thing I know you could do, is try to be suporrtive of him being in thearpy, try to be loving, and understanding. Thanks for taking the time to answer. I'm having a hard time being supportive since I am in pain. Has the thearpist recommened any kind of info for you as his wife on how to deal with or learn more about this kind of addcition? The therapist says that I should make sure to take care of myself, because the addiction has nothing to do with me. How long have you both been in thearpy for this? This is our second round with all this. My husband has supposedly been "dry" for the past two years. In fact, he's been back on the porn for a year. We just started back up in therapy. Again, thanks for your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 I have a buddy with this problem. His wife rejected him alot when she was pregnant, so he started using this as an outlet. Now she wants him all the time and he just isnt interested... actually he has performance anxiety. I suppose its hard for her to compete with a fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Should I just learn to satisfy my needs for intimacy elsewhere until he is willing to share it with me? How would you propose to do that ? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Should I just learn to satisfy my needs for intimacy elsewhere until he is willing to share it with me? How do I trust him again? Are you asking if we feel you should go look for intimacy outside of your marriage since he has a problem? That's what it sounds like. Its very common for someone who is in this position to feel frustrated, tired, hurt, betrayed etc. but you're not the only one in this situation. Your husband is too. Did you ever stop to think, that just maybe, he is hurting too? Alot of times people caught up in addcitions, do NOT like the fact they are caught up in an addcition they feel embarassed, hurt, controled by their addcition etc, and they feel its so strong they can't help it. I'm not making excuses for him, I'm simply saying you have stated he has a real problem with this and has taken the steps to get himself some help by entering into thearpy, which is wonderful and a step in the right direction. It's going to take some time. The healing is not going to happen over night, itrs a process you both will need to go through. Get some books on porn addcition and maybe it wil help you understand a little better what he is going through and it may help you as well to know what to do for yourself. I really don't think seeking intimacy elsewhere is going to help your problem between you and your husband, if anything it will cause more problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bratatat Posted July 25, 2007 Author Share Posted July 25, 2007 This is our second time around with this issue. The first time, we both got into a 12 step program and we read everything that we could find on the topic, including all of the Carnes books. My husband had been in therapy up until about three months ago, so he was actually doing porn while he was seeing his therapist. We have started with a new therapist, who seems to be heading us in the right direction. It will take a while to heal, and I won't act out, because you are right, if I tried to find intimacy elsewhere it would be for the wrong reasons and it would be harmful to the marriage. Thanks to all who answered. Kathryn Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts