I am an emotional mess!

[Cerise]

Having a bad night Can't sleep so here I am.

 

I am really struggling with insecuritys. I wrote that jealousy topic the other day trying to explore the whole basic idea of it as there are people on here that post about there insecuitys and jealousy and there are very diverse reactions from saying that people are over senstive to people who are blind to whats really going on. The response has been great and informative but it has also caused things to get worse for me I think, well partly.

 

I am not an overly secure person, I am head strong and tend to be overly emotional, I place to much of my own happiness on others which I know is not healthy and in someways I was proud of how I handled the situation with my H and his female co-worker, (in my first post of the jealousy thread) even though I had tention inside from what he told me I just let it go and was just trusting and worked very hard within my self to not overreact.

 

I now kinda regret posting it cause after hearing others responses to it and that it was "boundaries crossing" and flag worthy I am not dealing well with it at all. All I can think is if he is thinking about her and wanting her ect. I do trust that he hasn't done anything but what he could possiblly be feeling has got me in knots, which in many ways is stupid I know.

 

But there is more to my story than that, I have been with my H for 4 years, we are tecnically not married but we have been common-law for the past 4 y and our realtionships is no different than a marrage so I refer to him as my husband because of the simplicty of it.

 

When I met him I had just left my husband of almost 7y (legaly married) and I had three kids, our realtionship moved very fast, and my H had never been in a long term realtionship, needless to say there was alot of conflict with rasing the kids and us ect. but we managed to make it this far and we are still working on things but everything is much more stable now.

 

Now that I have explained all that I will get more to the point. I have always struggled with weather or not he really wants this, my life is chaos in many ways and he coments on the craziness often. He says he is happy and can't imagin his life without the kids ect. I know he loves me (and them) I can feel it.

 

I can't have any more children and he knew that when we got together, but I always wonder if one day he will look back and regret not having any of his own. I often think he would be better of going and finding some nice single woman and having children and I guess in my opinion a "normal" life/realtionship.

 

Last week my mom took my kids for the week, we had a nice week alone , it was a nice break and for me that is what it was- a break. When it came time to meet her and pick them up he didn't seem happy, he coment on that he enjoyed our week and now we were going back to the "crazyness" that bothered me but I tired to just let it go.

 

Tonight I was playing with his phone and asked if I could look at his text messages (he often shows me some ect) he said sure. I was reading them and noticed his sister had texted him saying I hear the kids are gone for a few days must be nice, then there was anotherone from her the day after we picked them up saying that the kids must be back now and he responded with "Yah:(" and her back with "Poor dude" that really bothered me! I understand it can be tough and crazy at times here but I also see it as normal with three kids, and even if I am frusterated I would never act or say that I don't want them around.

 

That makes me feel very insecure about us, wether it should or not that triggers my insecuritys, and makes me wonder what really goes on in his head. And then to top it off I am now bothered by the thing with the co worker. I feel like I should cut him free.

 

I know I should look at the fact that he is with me by choice and if he didn't want to be here he could leave at any time, and I am not responsible for him, but I hate the feeling of weather or not he is truly happy, and it seems my happiness is based on that wich is very unhealty I know.

 

I almost wonder if I want him to want someone eles, to validate my feelings that I am not good enough ect, almost like I think if I have proof of what I already know he is thinking would make me feel better...ya I know crazy.

 

I am sorry this posted ened up being sooo long, and I thank those of you who managed to make it through the whole thing lol

 

Now that I have vented maybe I can get some sleep!

[angel3]

I just wanted to say hi, and give you some (((hugs))) - I know what it's like to be up at this stupid hour, and I feel for you. I know how much it can help to feel heard and understood.

 

I wish I had some clever advice for you, but I'm afraid my own M is in a pretty rough state right now, and as emotionally raw and sleep deprived as I am, I wouldn't offer advice to a bunny rabbit.

 

That said, I thought I should say that this part of your post stood out the most to me:

I almost wonder if I want him to want someone eles, to validate my feelings that I am not good enough ect, almost like I think if I have proof of what I already know he is thinking would make me feel better...ya I know crazy.

Seeing as you said you recognize that you are dealing with insecurity issues at the moment to begin with, do you think there could be some truth in this statement? I ask because, I do believe that if we believe something strongly enough, whether it is based in reality or not, we can cause it to manifest itself into our lives. I'm not saying this is absolutely the case, just something I have noticed in life.

 

Do you think you could talk openly about your fears and insecurities with him? It could be that a good heart to heart is all you two really need to clear the air and find your way back to one another. I know that even when our M is good, when the kids act up, H & I sometimes make sarcastic inside jokes (that we DON'T really mean) about how hard parenting is, and we're both biological parents to them. Could it be that his 'dealing' with the stresses of parenting by blowing off steam in this way, have a stronger impact on your already-present insecurities, because he is step-dad?

 

Like I said, it's late and I'm tired and emotionally fried from my own drama, so I could be way off the mark here, and if I am, I apologize. At any rate, I'm sorry for the hard times you're having - and I hope things improve for you soon. No one should feel alone and sad at this hour - and I'm right there with you despite having different demons - and I wanted you to know you've been heard - and (((hugged))). Hang in there, I'll send you all the positive vibes I've got.

[Cerise]

Thank you angel3, that is one of the nicest posts!

 

That said, I thought I should say that this part of your post stood out the most to me:

 

Quote:

I almost wonder if I want him to want someone eles, to validate my feelings that I am not good enough ect, almost like I think if I have proof of what I already know he is thinking would make me feel better...ya I know crazy.

 

Seeing as you said you recognize that you are dealing with insecurity issues at the moment to begin with, do you think there could be some truth in this statement? I ask because, I do believe that if we believe something strongly enough, whether it is based in reality or not, we can cause it to manifest itself into our lives. I'm not saying this is absolutely the case, just something I have noticed in life.

 

 

That is exactly it, I am so tired of feeling this way though. Logically I am sure in many ways it is what I am doing but doesn't seem to matter what I tell myself logically it dosn't override the emotional feeling

 

Do you think you could talk openly about your fears and insecurities with him?

 

I could, but I don't want to, I have many times before and it is always the same and I feel bad because he does nothing but show his love to me and support and I never seem to get past this. In some ways I don't want him knowing that the thing with the co-worker or the text messages bothered me cause I don't want him to started hidding things or not telling me things to prevent upseting me, it is not fair to him.

 

Could it be that his 'dealing' with the stresses of parenting by blowing off steam in this way, have a stronger impact on your already-present insecurities, because he is step-dad?

 

Yes, once again that is exactly true.

 

So I guess really I need to find a way to deal with my insecuritys...I have to admit I have always known they were there in one form or another but now they are right smack in my face and it is a little depressing.

[Lynna]

Cerise, I know what it is like to deal with self-doubts and insecurities. I have faced them all my life, and now even more after my H's A. He assures me that he still loves me and the A was about him, not about anything I did wrong, but you know, I still feel inadequate, that something was wrong with me or our M that meant he had to look outside it.

 

So, I am really looking forward to starting MC and IC. I want both types, I think the MC will help us work on our communication and rebuild our marriage. But I think it is important that we both have IC as well. I need it to help me get over my insecurities and my own issues. It is scary, but I am willing to face the fact that I do have these issues and have not been able to address them on my own. That might be something that would work for you too.

 

Yes, his reactions are probably pretty normal. Having children in your life, suddenly is a big change. Even biologic parents at times bemoan the craziness, but it does not mean they are unhappy or that they don't love their children. Be sure to give yourselves time alone when you can. Breaks for the week like you just had, a night out, a weekend away, etc. You should have SOME time that is just for the two of you at least once a week, a date night for example, even if it is just for a few hours while the kids are over at a friends house. Then once a month try to have a longer period where you two are alone, a whole day and evening. Occasionally have the even longer periods like a week. Think about summer camp too for the kids. Again, even biological parents need some timeout for each other occasionally.

 

I think things will be okay. Relationships are about compromise. Remember, if he did not love you and want to be with you, he is free to go as you said. But he does not go, he stays. So my guess is he does love you and even your kids. Hang in there!

[Missy27]

I now kinda regret posting it cause after hearing others responses to it and that it was "boundaries crossing" and flag worthy I am not dealing well with it at all. All I can think is if he is thinking about her and wanting her ect. I do trust that he hasn't done anything but what he could possiblly be feeling has got me in knots, which in many ways is stupid I know.

 

Dont worry about that. I read your jealousy thread and you have nothing to be concerned about as far as i'm concerned. Sometimes, people on here start jumping up and down screaming "RED FLAG" as soon as they even think they see the work "co-worker" It usually boils down to their own personal tragedies and I wouldn't buy into it too much.

 

Tonight I was playing with his phone and asked if I could look at his text messages (he often shows me some ect) he said sure. I was reading them and noticed his sister had texted him saying I hear the kids are gone for a few days must be nice, then there was anotherone from her the day after we picked them up saying that the kids must be back now and he responded with "Yah:(" and her back with "Poor dude" that really bothered me! I understand it can be tough and crazy at times here but I also see it as normal with three kids, and even if I am frusterated I would never act or say that I don't want them around

:lmao::lmao:

 

Sorry C, I am NOT being harsh here, but I HAD to laugh at this bit. My Fiance has 2 children aged 12 and 14 (both boys) from his previous marriage and who live with us full time and as much as I love them, they can be total rat bags sometimes and YES ~~~ When I know they are going away for a few days I DO look forward to it. I get to spend some alone time with F without having to worry about taking Youngest to Rugby, or eldest to swimming, or cooking and cleaning for them all week. Its LOVELY. And YES ~~~ When I am on my way to pick them up from their Grandparents, or their mothers or wherever they are I do get a slight twinge of panic at the thought of how my life is going to once again return to bedlam ~~ !!!

 

None of the above however means that I dont love my F's children, because I do. I think your H was probably more upset about the fact that his alone time with you was coming to an end than the kids actually coming home. He probably enjoyed spending some Q time with you so I'd take the text as a compliment if I were you.

 

Dont worry C ~ ! Suck it up ~ ! What's the point in being insecure ~? It dont get you anywhere and it certainly don't improve your relationship. Relax, your H loves you, you've got a good family dynamic and you're lucky to have someone who has taken to your children so well. Dont mess it up. Insecurity & Jeslousy are relationship wreckers of the most high extreme ~

[angel3]

I think you've taken an important first step - that you are acknowledging your insecurities, and are willing to work on them. And that is good! And don't beat yourself up too much about them - we ALL have our own insecurities, to some degree.

 

Keep posting, writing out your feelings, it can help so much. And yes, do take all replies with a grain of salt - remember that no one here knows the full situation, only you do. Believe in yourself, your relationship, be proud of your dedication to making it work - and as far as advice - hear it all, but take and use only what feels right to you. KWIM?

 

Here for you and hoping you feel better really soon. (((hugs)))

[Lizzie60]

This is not healthy for you... you need to do something about it...

 

Read some books on Jealousy and Insecurities...

 

You need to stop nagging him (if you already had a good discussion with him) about your insecurities, I know it would be a pain inthe b*tt for me if my partner would constantly feel threatened or nag me about his jealousy and/or insecurities.

 

I know I should look at the fact that he is with me by choice and if he didn't want to be here he could leave at any time, and I am not responsible for him,

 

Exactly, you are not responsible for him, but you are to YOU and your kids.

 

I almost wonder if I want him to want someone eles,

 

No you don't... stop beating yourself over this. Seems like you like to torture yourself over these ideas.

 

Stop it! Get a book and read... calm down.

[nittygritty]

It sounds to me like you both just need to spend more time together without the kids. What about planning a weekend getaway? Or at the very least start getting a babysitter and going out to dinner, movies, gambling (if they have any casino's where you live and you both like to do that), bowling, car or boat shows, etc. Fun things that you or he enjoys doing.

[Cerise]

Thanks everyone I am feeling better today.

 

I go through this then I get over it and everything is fine again then I start all over again it is reidiculas

 

I vented here last night and it seemed to put everything back into perspective it is when I keep it all inside I get confused and become a mess.

 

The parenting stuff is compleately normal I know that I feel that way at times I just don't verbalize it to him and that is also partly cause I am pariond as angel3 said cause he is step-dad so I am also hyper-sensitive about his feelings.

 

Affording time away is hard, and he has sugeusted it before and guess how I take it??? Personally But that is also because of my own guilt with my kids, I have a hard time spending money ect on "us" when I don't have it to spend on them....but that is a whole other story.

 

My son is 13y and I have left him looking after his sisters for a little while here and there while we go and do things ect.

 

I say I trust him and I do logically but I have to stop letting my emotions and insecturitys find things and blow them up when they are not really there.

 

I wish we could do MC I think it would help us alot but we can't right now I had a great counseler who I saw often before but a year ago we moved and hour and a half away from the city and where I am if I was to find another counseler I would have to drive to get there and we only have one car so during the week I can't go anywhere, I have thought of phoneing her and maybe I should.

 

Anyways thanks and I am sure my H thanks you too as he didin't have to listen to me cry and be insecure

[Cerise]

Lizzy60 made me think of somthing that happened a while ago when I was having one of my emotional breakdowns,

 

I said to him " I am sorry I am such a basketcase" and he hugged me and said "it's ok your MY basketcase" I don't think I had ever felt that understood before in my life, he didn't disminish my feelings just let me know I was loved....

 

I am going to go and find myself a book!