I'm feeling a little depressed.

[katiebour]

Hi all,

 

My boyfriend and I are coming up on our two-year anniversary. Although I'm happy I'm also filled with trepidation since I've been in two other relationships that have lasted 3 years, and which crashed and burned. I guess I'm just a bit depressed about how life is going.

 

After loafing around for a month and a half, my boyfriend finally got a summer job. He's a sophomore in college right now (non-traditional- he's 31) and after living on a shoestring last year while going to school in the summer, he swore this year he was going to get a job quickly, earn some money, and pay me back everything I lent him.

 

I've been supporting him financially for the past year and a half. When financial aid didn't come through or was inadequate, I stepped up. I completely depleted all of my savings to buy him textbooks and pay the bills.

 

I've been trying to pay off my credit card bills with a non-profit agency since 2001. I'm only about 6 grand away from getting rid of them completely- down from a total of 15 grand originally. Of course, with interest, I've already paid 21 grand.

 

I have student loans as well, and after I moved in with him my personal debts came second to paying the rent and keeping the phone on. I was living with my parents for a while before that, trying to get back on my feet financially- that's when I built up the savings that are now completely gone.

 

My b/f owes me about 2 grand- and I don't know if he'll be able to pay me back any time soon. My credit is all shot to hell again- I got behind on payments when the restaurant I was working at closed.

 

I'm so tired of stressing about money. I mean god, 7 years- I could have declared bankruptcy and been out of it by now, but no, I had to go and pay it all back. I'll probably be another 2 years in paying it off.

 

I know my boyfriend is stressed about it too, and I know he wants to pay me back- but it seems like his vices always come first. He hocked the better part of his sword collection, one piece at a time, to buy cigarettes. Even when I was struggling to pay the goddamn electric bill, he bought cigarettes.

 

I feel really resentful that he hasn't done more to help out. This year he'll be getting Pell Grants for school and financial aid will really help once it kicks in- hopefully we can get back on track and I can take care of my stupid debt. It's just trying to stay afloat until September that is wearing me out.

 

Plus there's an imbalance in our sex drives- I masturbate almost every day to tide me over until he feels like having sex again. Sometimes it seems like we go for a week or two, and I'm burning with desire- he doesn't notice. When I try to interest him, often times he gets grouchy and whines at me to leave him alone. I wonder if he has a chemical imbalance- but we don't have insurance and can't afford a doctor visit or lab tests.

 

Financial stress and sexual dissatisfaction were major contributing factors to the end of my last two major relationships- I can't help worrying about this one.

 

Plus I hate where we live- Vermillion is a tiny little town in the middle of desolate South Dakota, and I miss my beloved Portland, Oregon, where the coffee shops are always open and there are things to do and places to go. I miss my mom and all my college friends back in Oregon. I miss Japan too- the atmosphere, studying the language, the amazing variety of drinks in vending machines, riding the subway, feeding the pigeons at a local shrine.

 

I want to go out to dinner once a month. I want to be treated like something beautiful and precious. I want someone else to do the laundry or clean the bathroom. I'm just so tired. I want to do something fun- I want to go ballroom dancing or take a class. But there's just no money for anything.

 

I'm not really looking for relationship advice- I know that this is a touchy situation money-wise and I can only hope that it will work out between us in the long-term and that it will all be worth it.

 

I'd just like some words of encouragement from everyone, maybe some Zen hugs and what-not.

[Cobra_X30]

If it helps, my cousin went back to school and borrowed pretty heavy from his girlfriend. It took him 3 years but he has paid her back, they are engaged and she is in the position where she doesnt have to work.

 

I know your not looking for advice, but Ive read a couple of posts here from women who's SO doesnt seem interested in sex. I just want you to know that sometimes when guys get pressure to perform it can cause lack of interest. I highly recommend reading up on the issue, as it seems to be a recurrent theme.

 

Best Wishes!

[Ladyjane14]

I wish I had something "Zen" for you, Katie... but it seems like your situation is a bit of a crappy one.

What is this guy adding to your life?

 

Honestly, it sounds to me like what he "adds" is STRESS.

 

He's 31, and you're supporting his ass. He's got to know you're flipping out just trying to keep your head above water financially, yet he spent the past month and a half "loafing"?

 

AND... he doesn't even 'put out'???

 

Seriously babe, it doesn't seem like there's much here positive for you. I think if it were me, I'd be packing for Japan.

[Mr. Lucky]

He's 31, and you're supporting his ass. He's got to know you're flipping out just trying to keep your head above water financially, yet he spent the past month and a half "loafing"?

 

AND... he doesn't even 'put out'???

 

Boy Katie, where were the girls like you when I was single? You could have supported me, moved with me to BFE, kept me in cigarettes and given me daily sex? Sign me up !

 

Let me guess - you also do the cooking, cleaning, laundry and household chores. And you do the heavy lifting sexually in initiating the fun and games. I'm with Ladyjane - seems more than a little bit one-sided...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Krytellan]

I tell you what Katie. You and I sound a lot alike. So... why don't you move back here to your beloved Portland, OR and I'll take you out to dinner. You like McCormick & Schmick's?

 

I feel for you though. I too am struggling to get out of debt further exacerbated by my divorce, but fortunately, I have no one draining my money but me. The last 2 relationships I was in I also experienced an imbalanced sex drive in which I was the one always frustrated by it. Basically I have been disappointed with the amount that people are willing to give back in relationships.

 

I like to think that good things come to those who suffer. Maybe either one or both of us will get our "payday" someday. Hang in there.

 

And... if you want to go to McCormick and Schmick's with me we have to go by July 31st... that's when the gift certificate expires...

[milvushina]

Ah Katie, from your post you seem like such a sweet, supportive girl. I totally understand your fear of those good qualities biting you in the butt later, that he'll never really pull his load. You mentioned what happened to your last relationships. I bet finances and sexual dissatisfaction are what break up just about all relationships!

 

I suppose things can play out for the best, you know? But you just never know. My ex-husband, who was in a lot of ways a sweet guy, would loaf and let me pick up the slack with two jobs and school. I also helped him with college, though he dropped out. I trusted him to pay me back, but something always came up and he never did, and when we got divorced I was even worse off.

 

On the other hand, my now husband and I blew my college savings and financial aid when we had to move. We've both worked hard and built it back up so I'm not slowed down in school.

 

As for sex, there's nothing like knowing you're not pulling your weight and disappointing your partner to kill the libido and/or depress you. I really really hope he finds it in himself to stick to the job he has and work hard. You've already been so supportive, I'd try to be positive, and things just might look up! And no matter what the worst case scenario is here, if it happens, remember you will get thru no matter how tough. If he just can't, or worse, won't do his part and you have to go separate ways, it will knock you down a ways but you'll work your way back up again.

 

I'm sorry if that doesn't help at all...it's just that I really empathize with what you've said here. I didn't really reap rewards from my similar experiences, but as Cobra said, some people do. Wish the best for ya...

[doiask42much]

I vote for you going out with Krytellan.

 

You seem so sweet and have a good head on your shoulders. I remember your post to a question I had about my bf. (BTW, I didn't get the job. )

 

How do you feel about your boyfriend? Does he still give you enough in other ways? What things do you like about him? What happened in the other two relationships? Is there any kind of pattern? You don't have to tell me or anything; maybe it will help you figure out what is going on and what you want, because it doesn't sound like you're getting it.

 

My ex owed me 7k and got a car repossessed in my name (plus 10k more in credit card debt, also in my name), so now my credit is ruined, even though the debt is squared away. He is now engaged (married?) and working for google, that bastard. But he still owes the IRS money, about 9k--some things never change! He wouldn't put out either, so I greatly feel your pain. I would lie in bed crying at night. Eventually it led to me cheating on him and then leaving him for someone else, not a very brave way to handle the situation. I hope it doesn't come to that for you, as it sounds like you have a very healthy sex drive and him not fulfilling your needs can breed even more resentment than the money stuff.

 

My next (current) bf, I never loaned him more than a little at a time (he actually still owes me money!). But I have the tendency to pick guys who loaf and waste money on frivolous things, and because I'm the careful one, I always end up picking up the slack. It sucks, doesn't it? Always being responsible and covering someone else's ass. I just wonder if you have a pattern of choosing guys like that and covering them because you're too nice for your own good. 31 is a bit old to be sponging off you, and 2 years is a bit early in the relationship for it to be happening, IMO.

 

I'm sorry you're stuck in such a tough situation. Being all alone in that small town must make it even harder. I really do think you should put your personal debts first; my experience has been that when people HAVE to find a way to cover themselves, they generally do. But no one is going to cover you but you, from the sound of it. I was lucky in that I never had any debt of my own; I can only imagine how resentful you must feel having to divert your own funds to support him instead of getting your own finances in order. It sounds like you are giving more than you feel comfortable with and that doesn't bode well.

 

I don't really know what a Zen hug is, but I'd give you one if I did. I hope things get better and that those Pell grants arrive post haste!

[luvstarved]

I am so sorry to hear that you are having a bad patch. You come on so generously with your comments and advice, which is usually so right on the money...and I had no idea of all the difficulties you were living with.

 

I have a few things to say, don't know if they'll help...but don't think they'll hurt so here goes.

 

First, it sounds trite, but remember that life tends to be cyclical and for all the down periods, for most people, an up is lurking somewhere in the future. Certainly been true for me. You even hinted that come September there should be some relief. So in the meantime, cross off days, put one foot in front of the other, go buy a book of humor or something (better yet, check library - it's free)...and find something to laugh about.

 

Next, I understand the frustrations of relationships, been in 5 live in relationships including 2 marriages...and the only thing I can tell you there is to do the old cost/benefit analysis. That's always worked for me too!! Although not always as soon as it should have!

 

In relationships, things are never going to be perfect and, more aggravating, things are never going to be even. Not in most cases. There is usually one person who ends up with the most responsibility (and for me, it's been me!!!) I have found that when both people try to be in charge of the nuts and bolts, it can be a constant battle. The only thing I can suggest (despite your statement that you were not seeking advice) is to really look at what he DOES do for you now that makes you say you are "happy" and to also consider which things you might have the best shot at getting him to help out with. My H does very little, but I have found that he is more willing to do some things than others and while they might not be the ones I would WANT help with the most, I WILL take what I can get!! But I am still happier with him than without him, so there you go. If I were alone, I'd have to do all that crap anyway so what the heck.

 

Let the little things go. Forget the cigarette thing. He's addicted. I once got really upset with a BF who was saving money in his own account while I was paying for all the vacations etc. Later on, I thought, who cared? We got by, and I should have been saving on my own, too.

 

As for the sex thing, oooooh don't get me started!! I am the last one to make a comment on that, but I will anyway!!! It just occurred to me reading your post and remembering how VERY many women seem to have this complaint (which goes against all the stereotypes I grew up with), I wonder if there is a correlation between STRONG women and this issue. Our counselor said I was a very strong person and you strike me as one, too. Hmmmm....food for thought.

 

Money money money money. Argh! That is one issue that is NOT big in my life, but it has been in the past. It can be soooo constricting. I admit I am curious as to what your bf is studying - I would feel a lot better personally if he were going to law school or even studying a trade vs getting a degree in philosophy or drama, say. The old light at the end of the tunnel. If he is studying towards a brighter financial future, I'd hang in there and try not to make such an issue about the money now, because if you lord it over him now, he may be more likely to lord it over you later...I make a lot more money than my H, but I was VERY humbled during the dotcom bust when I went from making low six figures to being unemployed for a year and then working 3 jobs, including an overnight in a dept store for THREE YEARS before getting back in the game. I still managed to bring in more than my H but I had pride that was wounded and did not know for a long time if things would ever get better...nonetheless, I got up every day and did what I had to do ...

 

I don't know why you live where you live, is it where he is from? How long have you been there? Is it where his school is? Have you discussed possibly moving in the future? It is a lot easier to cope with unpleasant situations that seem temporary!!!! But I have no idea what is up there.

 

Katie, you are a very thoughtful and intelligent woman. You are very valued here amongst your cyberfriends! I don't know your boyfriend so have no input on whether you are making a wise investment with him, but you seem to have pretty good instincts, so go with that. I hope that things turn around for you soon but in the meantime, please continue to share with us and here is A BIG DIGITAL ZEN HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Krytellan]

luvstarved

I think that's probably one of the most considerate and thoughtful posts I've seen since coming to LS. It shows sincerity and selflessness to write that much. I'm sure it's appreciated.

[katiebour]

Cobra, thanks for the words of encouragement- it's good to know that people go through this and come out on the other side.

 

LadyJane, thanks for your input- As for what he adds to my life, it does come and go. Most of the time he adds so very, very much- last night I was just feeling a bit overwhelmed and down. I'm feeling much happier about things today. Sometimes just sleeping off a mood puts things in a better life.

 

When his attention is focused on me, he is an excellent conversationalist- I love being able to talk to him about politics, science, religion, and so forth. Mostly we have great conversations in bed while snuggling- he's a big snuggler and so am I.

 

He has a great sense of humor and I love it when he finds something funny on the internet. Watching him laugh out loud at a funny video makes me happy.

 

We go through phases where he'll be really good about helping with the dishes and taking out the trash- right now we're in an extreme down phase- the dishes have piled up and I gotta go put on my iPod and wash for a few hours.

 

When we do have sex, he's a considerate and skilled lover, and he always makes sure I'm satisfied. I wish it were more often and initiated by him, but then again I've never had a lover who kept consistent, constant interest for more than a few months. Familiarity breeds contempt?

 

He's an incredibly moral and honest person- on par with me in terms of our rigid concepts of right and wrong. I like that because my last b/f would lie to me about little things, and then shrug it off like it was no big deal. I know that my current b/f would never do that to me.

 

I could add more, but we all know here on LS it's always a one-sided story, and there's more to a person than what we can mention here. Suffice it to say that I do have one of the "good guys," and I know it.

 

Mr. Lucky- where were you when I was single? Yes, I do the majority of the household chores, and I initiate in the bedroom. I've been letting the kitchen go in the hopes that he would clean it- but it's stacked up and we're out of bowls, so I need to do some washing. What can I say? It is one-sided. But there is more to my b/f than his ability to be a maid or a gigolo.

 

Krytellan, thx for the offer, hehe... I'm sure I won't be taking you up on it, but if I were single I'd be there. Find a nice girl and treat her like a star for me, ok? Do me a big favor and go to Papa Haydn's and have an awesome dessert.

 

Milvushina- thanks for your words of support. I know I need to just keep taking it one day at a time- I'll do my best. I'm really hoping that once school starts up again and the financial aid comes in that things will smooth over.

 

DoIask, thanks for your input, and yes, he does give me so much in many ways. No one is perfect, and as far as my 3 LTRs have gone, this one is the best. I guess if I had to come up with a list of things that I liked about him, it would include:

 

Kindness/caring for friends and family

Honesty/Fidelity/Morality

Intellect

Artistic talent

Looks (he's waaaaaay hot)

Sense of humor

Decisiveness

Hard worker (when he's working, he gives 150%.)

 

Let me tell you a little story. When we first met, my b/f was working the overnight shift at Walgreen's. A woman came into the store who had been badly beaten. It turned out that she had just moved here via bus with all of her belongings in a couple of suitcases, and been robbed and beaten up by hoodlums near the bus station in downtown Sioux Falls. She had been going to live with her sister, whose house was on the other side of town. She had walked two hours to get to Walgreen's because she had no money.

 

The police refused to help her because she was a Native American woman whose word was against a group of white kids. My boyfriend was completely and totally enraged at the circumstances- his instinct is to protect and to care for everyone. He drove her to her sister's house on his break and made sure that she got medical care. That's the kind of man he is, and why, despite his faults, I love him so much.

 

There's a lot of understanding between the two of us because we were both teased and abused by our peers in school. He came from a household where his ex-stepfather was physically abusive to the point where he and his siblings feared for their lives. As the second youngest of 6 but the oldest boy, he often tried to provoke his ex-stepfather's attention to direct any abuse away from his sisters.

 

He later studied martial arts and has a marked interest in guns- he wants to be able to protect his loved ones in any situation. He is very kind and loving to his family and friends, and due to the situation growing up is so loathe to fight against a woman that he had a girlfriend who abused him physically at one point.

 

What can I say- in my heart I know he is one of the best men I have ever known. Most of my frustration comes from our dire financial situation, some of which is his fault and some of which is mine. He is certainly more fiscally disciplined than I am, generally speaking, despite the cigarette habit.

 

As for me choosing men whom I end up supporting, in my first relationship, that did happen, when we were both in college, young and stupid with all the credit cards they handed out (all in my name), lived well beyond our means, and when he lost his scholarship I made up the difference with credit. I blame that more on youth and stupidity, mostly my own, than that ex-b/f.

 

My last ex actually supported me financially for quite a while, when I was going through grad school and trying to make ends meet. I finally did end up paying him back about 2 weeks before he broke up with me (makes me wonder if he was just waiting for the check to come in before he checked out, so to speak) but looking at that relationship as opposed to my current one, I mostly just laugh and go "well there's karma for you."

 

I know that we all have financial ups and downs and I'm sure my current b/f, once he gets out of school, will be more than able to support me.

 

Dear luvstarved, thanks so much for reminding me that things will get better. I know they will and I can't wait until that point.

 

As for the sex- well it might be because he's stressed about finances. It might be because he was involved in a 4 year LDR that was somewhat open- although they left each other the option to satisfy their urges, it was something he rarely indulged in and so he's kind of gotten "out of the habit" so to speak. Plus, I don't know, I weigh about 190 and I'm 5'5". I carry it well and look healthy rather than fat in clothes- but naked I know that I look like some of those renaissance paintings with the chubby women. Not exactly a sex goddess in this day and age. The only success I ever had in losing the weight was while I was living in Japan and walked everywhere. Took off 40lbs in about 3 months. Sometimes I'd like to move back just to lose weight again!

 

I'd like for him to see a doctor and get his hormone levels checked out at some point- but again we have no money and no insurance, so it's not really an option right now.

 

As for his future, he's studying Mass Communications with an emphasis in Electronic Media- essentially he wants to be a cameraman, or work in a tv station, or make commercials, or ideally he'd like to make indie films. He lived on ramen for 6 months to buy a $5k video camera before we met, and has participated in several 48 hour film festivals with it. He's currently working on an indie film project where he has the lead role- it's very exciting as his true love as far as film goes is acting.

 

We're hoping that he'll get an internship with public broadcasting in the fall- it would be a perfect fit career-wise and earn about $8-10/hour.

 

We live in Vermillion because it's where his college is- as for why this college he's chosen it for a couple of reasons. Firstly, he lived in California trying to get acting jobs for several years before deciding to move back home. South Dakota is very film-maker friendly, with a variety of landscapes packed into one state, very few permit requirements, a low cost of living, etc. He'd like to start a production company here. Secondly, the bulk of his family lives about a half-hour away from us, and he's extremely close to his siblings, mother, and great step-dad that replaced the abusive ********* and who has basically been his dad for the last 25 years.

 

I've kind of mentioned the possibility of moving later on (my mother asks me to move back to Oregon every time I talk to her on the phone) and he seems very reluctant to even consider it. I asked him last night whether he'd ever consider moving, and he basically said it would come down to what his job prospects would be in the area. I know he'd prefer to stay in South Dakota, but both of us would rather live in a larger area, more like Sioux Falls, as opposed to Vermillion.

 

I know we just have to stick it out for 2 more years, and then once he graduates things will open up dramatically. He's also basically said he'd be thinking about marriage once he graduates (way to dangle that carrot in front of me! ) so believe me I am looking forward to it.

 

Thanks all for the hugs! I value all of you here and I feel much better when I can talk it over with everyone. Thanks so much for your encouragement

 

:bunny::bunny: