lonelygirl185 Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 I was courious how many of you consider yourself truely and passionately "In Love" with your partner?? My marriage is lacking and I was wondering if I had unrealistic expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
IpAncA Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 I was courious how many of you consider yourself truely and passionately "In Love" with your partner?? My marriage is lacking and I was wondering if I had unrealistic expectations. I am. There are lots of people who are "in love" with there partner. Soooo what's the problem? Maybe we can help. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 I don't put much stock in the term "in love with" because it makes me think of silly young girls who buy into the hearts and flowers, lovey-dovey, dot my i's with a little heart crap. Sorry to be harsh, but I don't think "in love with" is a realistic way of viewing a relationship because it's based on the conjecture of love, not love itself. Kinda like putting your stock purely into the chemistry of love, you know? so, no, I don't think I could say I've ever "been in love with my husband," because what I feel for him is so much wider and deeper than that – he's a dear friend I care about deeply and love in a way I've never loved anyone before. And this love is something that is assuring, because it's based on reality, not "what ifs" ... but that's my take on things, which don't necessarily translate to another's relationship. I guess the big question here is, what do you feel is lacking in your marriage? Time together? Communication? Meaningful sex? And have you discussed this with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 I was courious how many of you consider yourself truely and passionately "In Love" with your partner?? My marriage is lacking and I was wondering if I had unrealistic expectations. You mean 'feeling' wise? Not all the time. But, then again, after 13 (nearly 14) years together, that deep passionate and intense sexual energy isn't there as it once was. What's more important is a slow burning long lasting love. Someone I can be myself with, have in my life who I can count on, NO MATTER WHAT. Someone who supports me, is there through the good and the bad. There are times I don't "like" him, but I still love him, there are times I adore him, which is most of the time. And there are also times he gets on my nerves, pisses me off, makes my blood boil and makes me wanna scream, but I still love him. What expectations are you talking about? Passionate and lots of intense sex? See, all those feelings eventually fade into something more settled and even, life gets in the way. The key is HOW to keep the passion and love going without thinking "oh no, I wonder if I still love him..." Ask yourself this. Could you imagine your life without him in it? Would you be happier alone or with someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted July 16, 2007 Share Posted July 16, 2007 The key is HOW to keep the passion and love going without thinking "oh no, I wonder if I still love him/her..." Words of wisdom, WhichWay...... Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I was courious how many of you consider yourself truely and passionately "In Love" with your partner?? My marriage is lacking and I was wondering if I had unrealistic expectations. I think I would have the love that I need from my H if he respected me. I have been abused by my H for many year's now emotionally. I have been married for 14 year's and this is what I have grown to know. So I guess I don't know what normal is? Had a ea with a mm neighbor (just want to mention here the only involvement with another man in my marraige) and sure that felt like "True Love", but is it? NOT! I ran to another man while a married woman for comfort and some kind of"normal ' in my mind. What is it in your marriage that you fel is lacking? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 The term "in love" appears to be subjective. I'm starting to wonder if it's the inaccurately defined endorphin-high phase. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 You need to understand what love is before you can really decide if your "in love" or not. Perhaps you have watched too many movies? Link to post Share on other sites
StayClose Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 If someone can love their partner and not be in love with them, then conversely can you be in love with someone but not love them? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 If someone can love their partner and not be in love with them, then conversely can you be in love with someone but not love them? I say yes, because it's grounded in the perception of "love," not the reality of love, which pretty much is as WWIU explains: There are times I don't "like" him, but I still love him, there are times I adore him, which is most of the time. And there are also times he gets on my nerves, pisses me off, makes my blood boil and makes me wanna scream, but I still love him being "in love" with someone doesn't allow for those times when you just want to pinch that other person's head off (or stab them with a fork) because he's driving you nuts ... it wants all those romantic, light-hearted, idealistic things it claims love to be. And we know life isn't idealistic, but realistic ... Link to post Share on other sites
riobikini Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 re: LonelyGirl: " I was courious how many of you consider yourself truely and passionately "In Love" with your partner?? " Yes. With everything in me. -Rio Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 being "in love" with someone doesn't allow for those times when you just want to pinch that other person's head off (or stab them with a fork) because he's driving you nuts ... it wants all those romantic, light-hearted, idealistic things it claims love to be. And we know life isn't idealistic, but realistic ... This lends more credence to my belief that romantic "love", not "in love", isn't one emotion but a compilation of emotions, including needs, wants, desires, expectations, tolerance, angst, compromise, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Cerise Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I see 'in love' as lust as Trialbyfire said the endorphin-high phase. Love is deeper and stronger but it is also more subtle, it dosen't have the same physical feeling in your body and people often think when experiancing lust that they are in love and when that feeling disapates that they are no longer in love. I think that lust is just that, and when you are truley love somone it has many more deep seated emotions involved. I know I love my H but there are many times where I don't like him and I have moments that I look at him and I feel lust, I see love as more work lust dosn't take the same work cause everything seems ok at that point and time in many ways there is not alot of 'life' involved just togetherness, when you love somone you have to compermise and learn and work to make life work. Somone once said to me in an atempt to describe the love after 50yrs of marraige - "you know that favorite pair of socks you have in the back of the drawer, that you never wear cause there full of holes but you can't bring yourself to throw them out cause they were the comfist pair of socks you ever wore and you know that you could never find another pair the same, that another pair would never feel the same, so you hang on to them picking them up once in while feeling there softness and remebering all the great times you wore them and then placing them back there knowing that if ever you need a real comfy pair of socks to wear they are there for you and always will be" That was how she described her love for her husband to me. That has always stuck with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelygirl185 Posted July 17, 2007 Author Share Posted July 17, 2007 Thanks for all of your great responses! My husband and I have been married for seven and have been together since high school (almost 20 years). I love my husband in the sense that I care for him dearly and would never want anything to happen to him. But I guess after years of neglect in our marriage and feeling like I was only good to have around for sex made me develop some bitter / negative feelings. My H is aware of our problems and we have recently started seeing a MC for our issues, but I still lack the sexual desire for him that I once had. I just don’t want to be intimate with him. I guess my real question is "Is this somehting that I can get back? Last night I purchased a book called The Sex Starved Marriage. Can anyone provide feedback on this book? quankanne: My marriage has been lacking in all of the above. whichwayisup: What is scary to me is that I have wondered if my life would be better if I was alone. This is what led us to MC. Cobra_X30 and trialbyfire: I guess that could be a possibility. Like I said, my H and I have been together for all of our adult life. This has been the only "real" relationship that either of us have had. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 All I can say is, give marriage counselling a chance. It could take up to year to 'see' and 'feel' the differences. Keep an open mind and hopefully with the help of the counsellor, both you and your husband can learn about eachother again. And, as long as you BOTH are making efforts, then the marriage has a good chance. Speak from your heart, be honest - You won't go wrong. And, if by chance the marriage doesn't workout in the long run, atleast by going to counselling together you'll know you gave it your best shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelygirl185 Posted July 19, 2007 Author Share Posted July 19, 2007 Thanks whichwayisup. We have our second "together" session today with the MC. My H thinks that since his behavior and feelings towards me have done a 180 in such a short period of time that my feelings should too. He's worried that I'm not going to come around, and I guess I am too. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 To answer the original question: No. Link to post Share on other sites
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