I think we've hit a growing spot in our marriage

[ConfusedButLoved]

Has anyone else experienced this? We've been together for 2 1/2 years, married for 1 1/2. It's crazy how just when you think you know someone you start to learn something else. For those that read my last post in marriage section, you could probably tell we hit a rough patch in our relationship. It kind of seemed for a bit like we couldn't go any further. We had a pretty heated arguement and though it started on one particular subject, we ended up pulling up alot of other issues in our marriage. After just getting it all off our chests and out in the open, we both felt alot better and had the whole crazy "make-up" night.

 

The cool thing is, now that we hashed some things out, I feel so much closer to him. I haven't been married that long but to those that have, is this a routine sort of thing? I was almost scared at one point we were going to decide to split, not because we hated each other or anything like that, but there were issues we couldn't seem come to an agreement on. After a day or so its like even though the issues are still there, I feel like we have what it takes to figure it out together. It sure is a good feeling, especially after feeling uncertain for awhile.

 

Anyone else experience this sort of thing in you're marriage?

[quankanne]

from my experience, you go through stages of that. You think you know someone, how they will respond, then they surprise you and you get to wondering just how well you know them, or how much of it is your expectations of them!!!

 

I think the most important thing to do in a marriage is set ground rules when it comes to disagreeing/arguing: That you're not going to pull up old, unrelated crap; that you're not going to go for the jugular; that you're going to do your best to communicate even as you disagree. And above all, that you both understand that even though you may disagree, that had nothing to do with the love you feel for each other.

 

this last one was a hard one to communicate to my husband, who had been married twice before and had a pretty poor view of marriage ... who wasn't quite sure how I could be so sure of that love even when he drove me nuts, lol ... but the main thing is, he's secure in that knowledge, and understands that love and trust are the platform, so much so that one of us DOES do something boneheaded that results in an argument, there's no doubt about the love being there.

 

something you pointed out, "now that we hashed some things out, I feel so much closer to him," is very true in most relationships. I think it has to do with having a better understanding of someone, and that makes it a lot easier dealing with them because no surprises pop up, you know what I mean?

[Curmudgeon]

The cool thing is, now that we hashed some things out, I feel so much closer to him. I haven't been married that long but to those that have, is this a routine sort of thing? I was almost scared at one point we were going to decide to split, not because we hated each other or anything like that, but there were issues we couldn't seem come to an agreement on.

 

I think the key is to not let things go unaddressed, build up and become a real burden on your relationship. They can too easily take on monumental proportions.

 

Better to confront issues as they occur, address them, discuss them and lay them to rest right then and there.

 

By the way, there's no harm nor foul about agreeing to disagree. Once you do, whatever it is can cease to be an issue. As long as they aren't major and don't truly threaten the relationship they can be put away. Don't let pride and stubborness get in the way. It's not worth it.

[ConfusedButLoved]

I think the most important thing to do in a marriage is set ground rules when it comes to disagreeing/arguing: That you're not going to pull up old, unrelated crap; that you're not going to go for the jugular; that you're going to do your best to communicate even as you disagree. And above all, that you both understand that even though you may disagree, that had nothing to do with the love you feel for each other.

 

I agree so much. It is really easy, especially with women (as we are the more emotional of the sexes) to pull up all the hurt you've ever experienced when hashing you're problems out, but very pointless and unproductive.

 

...and understands that love and trust are the platform, so much so that one of us DOES do something boneheaded that results in an argument, there's no doubt about the love being there.

Thats the thing with us, we can argue and argue, and have even discussed separating, but deep down we know we really don't want to be apart and that the love never goes away or lessens.

 

something you pointed out, "now that we hashed some things out, I feel so much closer to him," is very true in most relationships. I think it has to do with having a better understanding of someone, and that makes it a lot easier dealing with them because no surprises pop up, you know what I mean?

Yes I do know and I totally agree. We said some things that were a bit hurtful (no bashing or nasty names, just truths that were hard to swallow) and we both had our feelings hurt, but I think we both have a willingness to learn more from each other and thats why bringing out our problems really makes us closer. I really have such a wonderful husband I have never dated or even known any other men that were like this!

 

By the way, there's no harm nor foul about agreeing to disagree. Once you do, whatever it is can cease to be an issue. As long as they aren't major and don't truly threaten the relationship they can be put away. Don't let pride and stubborness get in the way. It's not worth it.

 

Good point Curm. There were some things we discussed in the very beginning of our relationship, things we knew we both did not agree on, and we agreed to respect each others opinions and not let it come between our relationship. So far, they haven't affected us at all, so I'm glad we got those things out of the way in the beginning.

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom. This is my first marriage and hopefully my only one. I'm still new at this and I really want to do it right. Being married to an older man really has done me alot of good because he has already been married and he knows the ups and downs and is very patient with me. I really really want this to work out. I see so many divorces with people I know and I just want to know I am doing everything I can to keep my marriage healthy.