Will he ever be a GOOD HUSBAND? should I divorce him now?

[Jolene]

Today marks the first day that my husband has visited his family without me. He told me not to come and he was not inviting me due to our last fight ...

 

(sending his dad an email in my defense [to a conversation that I thought had taken place between my husband and his dad], and email that basically said I refused to take part in helping out with what I thought was an unreasonable demand on the part of my husband's sister, and I thought my husband and his sister had their priorities in the wrong place since he is married now and his sister was asking him to help her go to a volleyball tournament by his staying the weekend at her house to babysit her three very small kids, meanwhile this is in the middle of a family crisis involving their divorced and alone mother being severely ill in the hospital for the month previous, leaving very little time for he and I to spend as our own family at home).

 

I have no idea what they will actually say about me on the other end today. Because of that, I made sure my son stayed home with me so as to not overhear any denigrating comments. I don't know if he will tell the truth and say that it is he who would not LET me go.

 

He has said that he is ashamed of my "erratic" behaviour of bailing out on helping and then sending an email about it. It was a mistake, I now know, sending his dad and copied to his sister an email (to which his dad responded 'do not send me these emails', but I felt someone needed to establish a position and set some boundaries since my husband is not able to say no to his family's sometimes whimsical or unreasonable demands since I have known him. And he has a demanding work schedule to start off with which leaves us struggling for time spent together. This has caused problems for many many months. Can't they leave him alone? They think that if he takes us out somewhere every couple of weeks, that hey, that's a pretty good family life. I know that normal means spending immediate family time first and foremost on the weekends, cause hey, that's all a double-income family has left to spend time on.

 

My husband said he partly desires for me to come with him to his family functions just as usual, but he also does NOT for "selfish" reasons which he cannot seem to explain (huh?), but that his family will never accept me after this incident of not helping and then sending an "crazy" email. He says his family now thinks I am a "flake" and not worthy of conversation. He is not sure how long he will feel this way. If one of his parents dies tomorrow, he said he would not want me to go with him to the funeral. He is not sure he will want me to come with him to his step-sister's wedding next year.

 

Like, he is definitely overreacting to what he thinks was "erratic" behaviour on my part. Even so, a husband should never resort to these tactics, right?

 

I am worried that my husband does not love me afterall, but wants someone to stay and have sex with, clean after him, cook for him, help him pay for his house (I make $52K per year Canadian) and then when someone else comes along in a few years, he will have an affair and get rid of me and my son and any child that I might have with him by then.

 

I wonder if he will bide time for the sake of appearances, as it looks like appearances are everything to his family. Like, would it be worse for him to face the world if his marriage only lasted less than one year and then fell apart, so why not drag it along for awhile for the sake of appearances, right? I am sure he would not want to disgrace his father with a snappy divorce and nor would he want to give his father back the $7000 that was given to us by him in October when we got married.

 

My own family is a supportive group of people and we think we're pretty "normal". Now I have a husband and some in-laws that think I am "erratic" and "unnormal" and I cannot stand up for myself or change his mind (or theirs, apparently) without looking and seeming "whacked out".

 

I am not depressed, bipolar or personality disordered. That is a fact. But I do wig out when I am left alone without a car and with my son weekend after weekend after weekend, month by month while my husband goes to work, or alters plans to cater to his family's sometimes unreasonable whims. Then he cannot understand why I do something drastic to get my message accross that I won't be controlled by him or his draining family (it's not like I cheated on him or anything, I just sent his family an email saying "hey, give the guy a break, he has a new family now and you have to respect that and let him build a family of his own -- lay off!").

 

I help him pay for everything and yet I have to beg and plead sometimes for him to know where his priorities lie? Then he disagrees and leans toward his family. He should know better at his age (40).

 

The final question....should I get a divorce even though he has told me in one breath that he loves me, but in the very same breath tells me he is ashamed of me and is having trouble forgiving and turning the page on this incident? (small incident by most normal people's standards I think, but since his family knows how I feel, there is turmoil that seems to be devastating for him to deal with when most people know what they would do, which is to stand by your wife and continue to act like a family when together with family). Why should I stay? Will he ever be a GOOD HUSBAND?

[IpAncA]

Sorry but this is just un f**king believable and if that were me, I'd feel no shame in making him choose.

 

I just can't believe what he is telling you and how he is acting. So what if his family doesn't like you...he should be backing you up and stop trying to please them. End of story. You are each other's family now, not them. Technically they are but you know what I mean.

 

And if that were my H, he'd think twice before pulling this s**t with me. Unacceptable and no one should have to put up with it.

 

and I cannot stand up for myself or change his mind (or theirs, apparently) without looking and seeming "whacked out".

 

So what. Let them think whatever. You know it's not true and that's all that matters. Please don't let them or HIM walk all over you.

 

He should know better at his age (40).

 

IMO his ways are set. I can't tell you what to do. Maybe one day he'll change but I don't know.

 

Good Luck!

 

BTW was he like this before you married him? Did his family like you then? Did they disapprove? Just wondering.

[Curmudgeon]

If one of his parents dies tomorrow, he said he would not want me to go with him to the funeral. He is not sure he will want me to come with him to his step-sister's wedding next year.

 

 

Why should I stay? Will he ever be a GOOD HUSBAND?

 

The first quote would be all the reason I'd need to cut his sorry self loose. He's a 40 year old Momma's boy who obviously does not cherish or value you.

 

Why should you stay? Dunno! As for the last question, doubtful!

[oavada]

jolene, it sounds like youre bringing a boat load of painful, unnecessary emotional drama to him and his family that he would rather not burden them with.

 

sending the email was a bad idea and just seems kind of crazy..a simple request to babysit kids one night doesn't seem like an unreasonable request to me...essentially, you destroyed your entire relationship with his family and strained relationships with your husband by getting upset over a request to babysit kids..thats extremely unreasonable...the best way to have relationships is to limit argument and drama as much as humanly possible...babysitting the kids would have done that.

 

If possible, i would say to his family that you were a bit stressed, which is understandable, and that you overreacted and that youre sorry about it..If you do that, and you dont bring them anymore conflict or drama, over the years theyll begin to accept you again.

 

Youre also ready to divorce him over this which seems really drastic over something so minor...things are blown out of proportion it sounds like...ive been there before, what ive learned is to just calm down and try not to invest too much analytical thought in these types of things...if you start analyzing things it gets blown out of proportion...i dont want to come off as an insensitive jerk, but to me it sounds like youre completely over-emotional and neurotic about things and youre driving your husband crazy with it...lol

[Mr. Lucky]

Wow, two sides to this story. I would have never, ever, sent the email, especially to his Dad. It makes you look petty, vindictive and neurotic. But I also wouldn't do half the sh*t your H has done. You two could be the poster children for MC. as so many of your issues seem communication-based. Until you BOTH learn how to talk to and listen to each other, you'll continue to have drama-filled lives worthy of a reality show. Hope it works out for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oavada]

Wow, two sides to this story. I would have never, ever, sent the email, especially to his Dad. It makes you look petty, vindictive and neurotic.

totally agree...personally i think its adorable when women are like this and it makes me love them even more...him and even his Father should have taken care of her tho by being more accepting of these types of neurotic outbursts of hers...she sounds like a typical, overly-emotional perhaps over-worked female.

[katiebour]

jolene, it sounds like youre bringing a boat load of painful, unnecessary emotional drama to him and his family that he would rather not burden them with...

 

I agree with Oavada about the drama part.

 

sending the email was a bad idea...

 

I have to agree here too- asking his family to side WITH YOU, AGAINST HIM is a mistake.

 

a simple request to babysit kids one night doesn't seem like an unreasonable request to me...essentially, you destroyed your entire relationship with his family and strained relationships with your husband by getting upset over a request to babysit kids..thats extremely unreasonable...

 

But here I have to disagree because it sounds like there is a history of him being asked to spend time with his family instead of you and your son- it's not a one-time incident but rather a recurrent pattern where you are made to feel like his family is more important than the family the two of you have together. I can see where you would be upset by this.

 

If possible, i would say to his family that you were a bit stressed, which is understandable, and that you overreacted and that youre sorry about it..If you do that, and you dont bring them anymore conflict or drama, over the years theyll begin to accept you again.

 

This sounds like decent advice, except there is a glaring question in my mind here.

 

What is your relationship with his side of the family- what was it like before this altercation? And is it the first time that you and his family have clashed, or has it happened before?

 

Happy blended families of in-laws do not invite only their side of the family to do things- they invite the whole family. Inviting him but excluding you makes it seem as though they dislike or disapprove of you.

 

If his family dislikes you, I can understand why your H wouldn't want you to go to their family functions. But what I can't understand is that, if he loves you and your son, why your H would want to go to their family functions either?

 

If my family told me to come but to leave my b/f behind because they didn't like him, I would be insulted and ashamed of my family. I know my b/f is a wonderful person, and if they couldn't see that, or disliked him for some stupid reason, I would cut the contact with my family.

 

It sounds like he is caught between his family and you, and for some reason he is siding with his family.

 

He may say that he loves you, but actions speak louder than words. He should be defending you and standing with you.

 

This being said, if his mother is extremely ill, and his family stressed out and busy, it would seem cruel to not help or be catty in their time of need.

 

Why didn't you all go and watch the little kids? Or better yet, why didn't they come over to your house? Why did your H's sister ask just your H to watch the kids, instead of all of you?

 

I can understand you wanting to have some family time away from all the madness, but you can't pick and choose when crises strike. And you have to stand with your family in their time of need, and your in-laws are your family too.

 

Of course, a volleyball tournament isn't exactly a crisis, and it's not like she didn't know it was coming. Did her babysitter back out at the last moment? Or did she simply assume that she could ask your H to watch them?

 

It sounds like a sticky situation all around.

[whichwayisup]

If your H isn't going to say no to his family once in a while and put you first, sorry, that is HIS problem. If his family doesn't like you, they honestly don't care if having him help them bothers you.....Be pissed at HIM, not at his family. They look at it as he's doing the right thing by helping family, and yes, they're taking advantage, but he is letting them!

 

I do believe there's more to this story, and another side ofcourse...... Noone likes to really admit their part in mistakes, especially when involving inlaws, but when it comes down to it, you two have children and these people, your inlaws are a part of the family, like it or not.

[Jolene]

Yes there is some history with regard to his bullying family. Nothing too extreme, but noticeable in the form of snippy comments from his mother in law, comments in an email she made which was forwarded to me by mistake one day. Also, his sister has said she would do things for me and then either backed out at the last minute or done the job half assedly to make me look like a fool. Also, his sister and his dad in the past have both made demands of him at times when he already had plans to do something with my son (cub scout camping weekend), so my husband altered his plans to accomodate them (makes me sick). In one instance, he left the scout camp on Saturday morning to go help his dad with something and then went back to the scout camp just around dinnertime. The second time, he just didn't take my son to the camping trip because he had told his sister a week before we found out about the trip that he would babysit her kids that weekend. Although she had an entire month to find someone else to babysit for her, he would not break his commitment to her and my son did not go to the camp. This is incidentally the same weekend that I couldn't even get him to stay home on the Friday night with me because he went to her house all weekend. So yeah, I sent the email because I was tired of coming in third place to his work and his family. I know it seems drastic, and I should have stifled that.

 

Anyway, this year has been rough. What his family doesn't get is that his work schedule takes him into work on the weekends (not all weekends), but on top of work and racing around to visit his family because they have a social at least once a month (sometimes more) or ask for help knowing he won't say no, I find that this is not normal and cuts into our own family time. Let's face it, we both have full time jobs, a child to run around after (plays soccer, etc.).

 

So, when his mother got sick in early May, this had my husband running around every night to see her in the hospital. I wasn't seeing much of him except for bits and pieces. We went away one weekend in May due to plans we made months ago. Because we went away for two weekends in May, his family thought that was good enough to say I have sufficient time with him and I must have a pretty good life and no right to complain. They don't know what the previous three months were like, and like, when his mom got sick it seemed there would just be no peace for us this year. Frustrating.

 

Anyway, I feel like boycotting his family permanently now because of his decision to uninvite me for awhile. But then, what kind of life is that