SydneyHeart Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I read some posts with amazement because you guys are not happy but 2, 3 + years later you are still working it out. How do you get to that point? Don't get me wrong, I am not critisizing at all. I actually am asking for tips. Every time hubby and I have an issue he is shouting the house down about dividing assets and being a complete **** and I just want O-U-T I have been miserable for about a year out of the 3 we have been together. The last 6 months have been just horrific. I keep hanging on hoping someone or something will help us work it out, but no, I want out. I don't even like him anymore. But if I could turn it all around and love him and stay together for the kids I would. How do you hang in when its so horrible? And when it has become horrible - how long before you walked out and then how long before divorce was finalized? I guess I'm lucky in a way he has become so nasty - makes it easy to make a decision. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 But if I could turn it all around and love him and stay together for the kids I would. How do you hang in when its so horrible? Five children, two still at home. And when it has become horrible - how long before you walked out and then how long before divorce was finalized? Five years after it became horrible until I filed for divorce two months after she left - had a boyfriend - and filed for separation. Two years for the divorce to become final because she dragged her feet. I finally had to bifurcate. Another two years for final settlement because she dragged them again. I guess I'm lucky in a way he has become so nasty - makes it easy to make a decision. Yes you are! Yes it does! Link to post Share on other sites
Bobster999 Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I have been unhappy for the last ten years of my marriage. I have tried to gut it out for the sake of the kids---however my older boy (he is 19 now) has ended up screwed up anyway. My 14 year old daughter is doing relatively well. I am finally giving up and getting ready to file---I tried to stay together for the kids but I don't think it helped them any being in a situation where their parents don't get along. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 Sidneyheart, this doesn't sound like a relationship, it sounds like a need, an addiction. We become addicted to the notion that we have to somehow stay together and make something work, for the sake of - whatever. if we separate, we'll fall apart, and never be happy again - !! But a miserable relationship is exactly that. Miserable. And trust me on this: The children have minds, hearts, ears and eyes of their own. They're individuals with their own opinions, perceptions and evaluations. Whatever you guys do "for the sake of the children" is pointless, because in the end, they make their own minds up, and adjust accordingly. Better the kids have 2 separate and happy parents than one miserable couple. Tell us succinctly and clearly, why - apart from the kids - you guys are still together...? Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I have been in 5 live-in long term relationships. My husband and I have had difficulties for a long time, which I have talked about at nauseating length on this board. I have found that the simple difference for me is after bitching and moaning and agonizing and getting ready to tear my hair out...does it all get followed up, in my heart, with "...but I love him". In the past, in the end, I could not say those words. In one case, being honest, I would not have been able to say it in the beginning of the relationship but circumstances make us do dumb s**t sometimes. That is not to say that you can excuse and tolerate certain behaviors because you "love them anyway". My H right now has been told that me leaving is a distinct possibility and that trying to say what I want to hear in the short-term is not going to work any more. But I do feel that that is what keeps us "fools" in...just the desperate hope that things can turn around...because you don't want anyone else. And because you feel in your heart that they want the same things, too, but mutual fear and insecurity is keeping you from opening your heart and mind and getting to it. My H and I have no "real" problems. Our kids are normal and healthy, we have steady, relatively well paying jobs, there is no infidelity (no real fidelity either but that's another post), no big money issues, no huge family problems or illnesses. WE are the problem. Our communication is bad. We have a great time together as long as the subject of conversation is not us. His problems are about narcissistic tendencies that his loving mother bestowed upon him. I do not know if they can be overcome. We are in counseling now to try to discover that. If the answer is yes, with much hard work and dedication and some acceptable limits, then I will be here. If the answer is no, I will move on. But I am not going anywhere until I DO know. That's why I am hanging on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SydneyHeart Posted June 24, 2007 Author Share Posted June 24, 2007 Thanks so much for your input as usual guys. You always give me new things to think about and ask very important questions. I think I have found the answer to my question myself - it happened yesterday. The reason why you keep going is that just when you are about ready to throw in the towel, a light goes off in somebody's head and you sense a small breakthrough, and that's enough to keep going on for now... So I am about 1/4 inch back from the edge of the precipice now I SOOOO relate to your feeling luvstarved when you say you just wish they would GET it, communication can be so damn hard. Good luck to us all....I guess my journey is not quite over. Link to post Share on other sites
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