Sheba Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 Is this a distinction that means something only to me? My husband has been married 3 times previously and when we discuss our problems he speaks of the possible end of our relationship in terms of not wanting to get divorced again. I would like to hear him speak of the possible end of our relationship in terms of wanting to stay married to me. He seems to think that I am drawing a line where there is none, and while I agree that the divorce/loss are two sides of one coin, it is important to me that he be working on our relationship to keep me as opposed to avoiding divorce. To me, it is more than just semantics. Am I the only one this distinction makes sense to? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 The distinction makes perfect sense to me. Your H, however, might see it as the same thing, but just phrased it differently than you would. It's like the difference between saying "I really want to get married" and "I really want to be married TO YOU". One statement is about marriage in general, and the other is specific to the person in question. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 My husband has been married 3 times previously and when we discuss our problems he speaks of the possible end of our relationship in terms of not wanting to get divorced again. I would like to hear him speak of the possible end of our relationship in terms of wanting to stay married to me. I'm married for the second time. It was funny reading your question because, during the only serious fight my current wife and I have had where the "d" word was mentioned, I said that I didn't want to be the kind of person that was married and divorced twice. She took it just like you - went over like a lead balloon. Might just be a guy thing ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 8, 2007 Share Posted June 8, 2007 unless it's because he's been divorced he sees it this way, rather than focusing on an open-end aspect of marriage. Does this make sense? Kinda like going into a relationship thinking of divorce as an alternative if it comes to it, rather than the hope of marriage, period. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted June 9, 2007 Share Posted June 9, 2007 To me, it is more than just semantics. Am I the only one this distinction makes sense to? It makes perfectly good sense to me. He is intent upon avoiding an unpleasantness which is a negative approach. He should be intent on preserving a joy, your marriage, which would be a positive. This is my wife's third marriage and my second. We both will leave no stone unturned to preserve it and make it work. Divorce is not a word in our vocabularies regarding one another and our relationship, nor should it be. It sounds as if your husband labors under a looming cloud of negativity rather than the sunshine that's present for him, that being you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sheba Posted June 9, 2007 Author Share Posted June 9, 2007 Thank you for your answers. I will try to explain to my husband the importance of the distinction to me at a time when we are feeling good together and in a loving way. Perhaps that will help. I am surely staying in this challenging marriage for him, as opposed to for fear of divorce or being alone - I have no fear of either. This is my second marriage, I am a professional and able to support myself and my children. I have lots of love in my life and no need of a man for the sake of having one. Curmudgeon, he does indeed live under a cloud of negativity. I know that he admires long marriages and wishes for that ideal, but he admits he does not believe that things will work out for him. Quankanne, you have hit the nail on the head - like most people, I am sure he went into each marriage with hope. I suppose it is understandable why he came to feel hopeless after the third divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 YES SHEBA!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally agree...(I have been out of town, btw so not reading/posting until tonight) My H's demeanor is very much the same and there are two basic implications in there that really bug me 1) it isn't about YOU...it is about HIM and HIM not failing and HIM not wanting to go without whatever services you provide and HIM looking bad in the community and HIM having to start over, etc. Almost makes it sound like staying married is merely the path of least resistance. 2) you aren't really even YOU...you're the generic wife. The deeper implication there is that maybe you aren't truly loved for who you are (although if this is the case, it is probably because HE is not capable of it and it was no different with other wives). My H has really driven this latter home to me on several occasions when I found out that he had gone seeking the wisdom of "guys at the gym" to try to address our marital concerns. "Guys at the gym say that all wives think porn is cheating". Um, actually, dear, the relevant opinion there would be MINE. In some weird way, it's like, well I am glad you are trying to sort out some issues but do you realize that I, personally, am not all wives, not all women? Gawd it is all too frustrating... Link to post Share on other sites
Pilgrim Posted June 12, 2007 Share Posted June 12, 2007 Hi sheba I totally relate to what you are saying. A part of me knows my wife's motivation for sticking around is fear of change, and objectively good things about her current situation (I've a good job so she has financial security and a good lifestyle), and I'm a good dad to our 10 year old son. The issue is that it is "utilitarian" - marriage for what it DOES. How about asking a different question. What are you thankful for about OUR marriage? As yourself first, and ask him sometime. My wife is a natural perfectionist (the glass is 10% empty not 90% full) so if your guy is the same, it will take time to change thinking patterns. I reccomend "The marriage book" by Nicky and Sila Lee - good read about this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
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