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Questions you wish you had asked BEFORE the wedding


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Old 26th May 2007, 4:13 AM   #1
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Question Questions you wish you had asked BEFORE the wedding

I'm single and curious--it seems like a lot of issues come up in marriages because people forgot to ask about/discuss important issues. Or not so important issues that turned out to be important issues later on. Guess I'm just curious as to what you all think are the important issues to discuss before getting married.

I know that I've seen lists of questions in books and such but those seem to have a lot of trivial things on them. Recommendations for really good lists would be appreciated as well as any thoughts you all have.
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Old 26th May 2007, 11:29 AM   #2
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Here are a few

Based upon past experience, mine and others', here are a few issues I think need to be discussed beforehand:

1) What are your future goals?
2) How do you handle money?
3) How important to you is sex in a marriage?
4) How do you handle anger?
5) What about children?
6) Joint or separate resources?
7) Is religion important and if so, what?
8) How would we divide household chores?
9) What financial planning have you done for retirement?
10) What about moving for employment, and whose?
11) How involved in extended family?
12) What, if anything else, should I know now?

These are mostly things my wife and I discussed before we married and it helped to do so.

You will possibly note that I left out any mention of past sexual history. That can be a slippery slope and unless there are STDs involved, shouldn't be an issue because you should be looking forward, not back. However, if one or both want to maintain relationships/friendships with past partners that could be a problem. Unless there are mutual children involved there's not reason to.

As always, just one man's opinion!
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Last edited by Curmudgeon; 26th May 2007 at 11:31 AM..
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Old 26th May 2007, 11:33 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamari View Post
I'm single and curious--it seems like a lot of issues come up in marriages because people forgot to ask about/discuss important issues. Or not so important issues that turned out to be important issues later on. Guess I'm just curious as to what you all think are the important issues to discuss before getting married.

I know that I've seen lists of questions in books and such but those seem to have a lot of trivial things on them. Recommendations for really good lists would be appreciated as well as any thoughts you all have.

Will oral sex continue??
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Old 26th May 2007, 12:32 PM   #4
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A question I asked myself: if you had to move to a new country, away from family and friends, find a new job and start over forming a social network, do you still want to get married to this person? If it just comes down to the just two of you, at least at first, could you really count on each other? Do you see a happy outcome 5 years down the road?

For me, the answer was no. And this wasn't a hypothetical situation, so it was important to think about it. I realized our relationship was very comfortable because we worked in the same field and had many friends in common, but that once outside of that network, I wasn't sure we really looking for the same things in life. So I called off the engagement. For me, it was the right thing to do. And I know because later I met someone and had to make a similar choice and I knew right away it was going to work out and I was happy to do it.

Ok, admittedly this is an extreme scenario that most people won't ever have to deal with, but it's still a good exercise to think through.
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Old 26th May 2007, 5:14 PM   #5
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Ah... what a question this is.

I'm not really sure about me but I think some people who don't get sex anyone wish they knew that was coming.
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Old 26th May 2007, 10:56 PM   #6
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Ah... what a question this is.

I'm not really sure about me but I think some people who don't get sex anyone wish they knew that was coming.
I can confirm that.
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Old 27th May 2007, 2:09 PM   #7
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The problem is that people often have a hard time discovering/admitting what their priorities really are.

Even now,my wife would say yes, if I asked her if she though a healthy sex life was necessary for a happy marriage.

I think it's good to ask questions, but in the end actions speak louder.
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Old 27th May 2007, 2:24 PM   #8
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How would they handle the other losing a job, being arrested, becoming seriously ill, or injured and in a coma?
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Old 27th May 2007, 4:25 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by Horse View Post
The problem is that people often have a hard time discovering/admitting what their priorities really are.

Even now,my wife would say yes, if I asked her if she though a healthy sex life was necessary for a happy marriage.

I think it's good to ask questions, but in the end actions speak louder.
You've touched on the real challenge in pre-marital discussion and counseling, including structured events like Engaged Encounter, etc. Many people tend to say what they think their partner wants to hear - "Sex every night? That sounds great!" - rather than projecting the results of past experiences on future relationships. As you've discovered, the long-term results (and maybe the original intentions) are quite different.

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Old 27th May 2007, 4:27 PM   #10
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Deleted duplicate post...

Mr. Lucky

Last edited by Mr. Lucky; 27th May 2007 at 4:30 PM..
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Old 27th May 2007, 6:18 PM   #11
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should have asked a week before getting married:

"Have you been intimate with anyone else besides me since we became serious couple?

Have you slept with anyone since we got engaged?"
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Old 27th May 2007, 6:21 PM   #12
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Ooooohhhhh....got it.

"Are you a lying, cheating arsehole?"
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Old 27th May 2007, 6:40 PM   #13
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Some really good questions here...

It is a really good idea to clear these up before you do get married...

A marriage won't survive on just hope and good intentions..
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Old 28th May 2007, 3:23 PM   #14
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I appreciate the posts so far--and more are always welcome. I've been getting into some interesting discussions with my guy and I think he could be "the one" for me, so I'm just trying to make sure that I don't miss discussing some important points just because my mind is off in the clouds. :P
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Old 28th May 2007, 3:37 PM   #15
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I would recommend pre marital counseling. They usually have lists of questions and exercises to work through.

Other questions. How will you celebrate the holidays. If a child is sick at school or daycare who will got pick them up and take care of them. What if a parent is ill? Would you resent your spouse for going to care for them or if they had to move in for awhile?

Finances. What type of purchase requires a mutual decision? Friends. How much time spent with friends is appropriate. If one person thinks they can go play golf everyday for hours while the other is taking up the slack of responsibilities at home, there will be resentment. Overtime at work. How much is too much?
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