Why I decided to trust my wife

[Woggle]

As you can all see I have been flaking out the past few days about my marriage. This board and others combined with situations with people I know have been making me doubt my marriage and doubt how trust worthy my wife is but a night out with the guys helped put things in perspective. A couple of guys were talking about their marriages and most of them seemed to be married to women that no longer seemed to love them and resented them. Many of them hadn't had sex in a year and their wives controlled their every move. They were told how to dress, who to have as friends and were treated like children.

 

I realized that none of this applied to my marriage. My wife shows me everyday how much she cares and we have great sex. She doesn't try to cut me off from my friends or tell me how to dress. I can be me when I am with her and I feel relaxed when we are together. I have not lost who I am in this marriage at all. Seeing how bad things could be in comparison makes me appreciate her even more. I will still be outspoken about gender issues but I will make sure to appreciate what I have at home. I can't 100% sure that I won't flake out again but I will try my hardest not to.

[JadeStar]

Good for you Woggle!

 

You know I had a counselor tell me once, that its one thing to have doubts on your own, but when you are around others who always talk negativley about their marriages(friends/family), or there is always some kind of drama going on, it can feed more into the imagination, and can have a negative influence over your own marriage if you let it.

 

I'm not sayng you can't talk with family or friends if they are having troubles, but SOMETIMES others lives (depending on how their situation is) it can have more of a effect on your situation than you think. The mind can start to think things like, "well if so and so's marriage is crappy, or they are doing this or that, then I wonder if my spouse will do that, etc"

 

Sometimes its best to surround yourself with more postive people who you feel have a positive influence on you and your marraige. Not people who are always telling you how crappy their marriage is. Because take a person that already has some doubts or is vulnerable, and mix that with other people who see their lives like that too, and you got a bad combination.

 

Keep thinking positive things.

[Curmudgeon]

I realized that none of this applied to my marriage. My wife shows me everyday how much she cares and we have great sex. She doesn't try to cut me off from my friends or tell me how to dress. I can be me when I am with her and I feel relaxed when we are together. I have not lost who I am in this marriage at all. Seeing how bad things could be in comparison makes me appreciate her even more.

 

...how truley fortunate you are. The ex was very controlling and brought out the worst in me. Hence the divorce. My wife brings out the best in me, enhances me and makes me want to be even better. She encourages me to be who I am because that's who she fell in love with. In return, I encourage her delightful independence which was/is a big part of why I fell in love with her in the first place.

 

Don't make the mistake of imputing the behaviors of a past relationship to your current one. Your wife is only herself and not the embodiment of anyone else.

[Woggle]

She is so trusting with me when I go out with the guys and when I visit the old neighborhood in New York that I would feel so guilty for cheating on her. I would never betray that trust because once you betray that trust in a person they will never be the same even in future relationships.

[a4a]

yes but you are still hiding a whole side of yourself from her.

 

She may trust you but you don't trust her enough to share your true self with her.

What do you think she would do if she knew how deep your issues were with females?

 

Why hide it?

 

Don't you think if she knew she could help support you to deal with it?

 

Don't you trust her enough that she would do that?

[johan]

My ex held her trust in me hostage to protect herself against things she imagined I might do to hurt her. For that reason, it was a dysfunctional, emotionally and physically distant relationship. I loved her, and I had faith that she would sooner or later let all that go. And so the dysfunction would go, too. But it didn't.

 

I often told her that trust must be given more than earned.

 

It's true that you can continually protect yourself from possible failings in someone else, and then you may be able to lessen the hurt. But it seems to work better if you decide in your heart to trust them. They tend to come through for you. Just don't trust to the point that you become naive and blind.

 

I doubt that will happen to you, Woggle. But I think you've often been on the other extreme. Your fears give you a simplistic view of women, like you've turned them into a caricature. You speak as if they are not complex humans who can reason and actually want to do some good in the world, too. Like they are evil robots. That's also naive.

 

There are very few women as bad as you say. There are enough bad guys out there to keep a balance with them.

 

Just enjoy what you have and quit worrying about it.

[Curmudgeon]

Just enjoy what you have and quit worrying about it.

 

That certainly makes life easier and a whole lot more enjoyable.

 

We can all "what if" ourselves to death about what might occur but until it does, if it ever does, why not just enjoy what we're sure of which is what we have at the moment?

[Curmudgeon]

She is so trusting with me when I go out with the guys and when I visit the old neighborhood in New York that I would feel so guilty for cheating on her. I would never betray that trust because once you betray that trust in a person they will never be the same even in future relationships.

 

...do you not give her the same level of trust in return and why the constant fear that the marriage will end badly? For that matter, why the distrust of women when your bad experience was with one woman only?

[Woggle]

...do you not give her the same level of trust in return and why the constant fear that the marriage will end badly? For that matter, why the distrust of women when your bad experience was with one woman only?

 

It is not just one woman and years and years if pain are not erased in a couple of years.

[a4a]

...do you not give her the same level of trust in return and why the constant fear that the marriage will end badly? For that matter, why the distrust of women when your bad experience was with one woman only?

 

Don't forget his crazy mother.

 

I could not imagine being married to a person that could not reveal themselves to me.

 

This is a serious issue that he is hiding from her. It is affecting their M and she is being left in the dark about it.

 

I guess in my view you could compare it to being married to a person with an addiction or fetish, hidden from you.

 

His lack in trust with her will cause him to continue hiding it from her.

 

Sad. Almost like a double life of sorts.

[Curmudgeon]

It is not just one woman and years and years if pain are not erased in a couple of years.

 

...the pain of the past is a choice to retain the negativity of something you can do nothing about because it's over with.

 

You can choose to let it go, set your sights forward and be happy with what you have.

 

That's your real choice.

[Curmudgeon]

Don't forget his crazy mother.

 

...of a crazy mother. Still in all, he chooses to retain all this. My choice would be to let it go and get on with my life. Life itself is too short and can be too sweet to hold onto negativity.

 

It's all fear-based. Why go through life afraid?

[a4a]

It is not just one woman and years and years if pain are not erased in a couple of years.

 

You will never erase it because you choose not to confront it.

 

Keep directing your hate, pain, and fear towards all women instead of the few that have hurt you.

[whichwayisup]

Wog, you keep having these revelations about how lucky you are to have an amazing wife - Then you seem thankful and happy...Until you read something that sets you off and sents you doing backflips, pushing you back into the past and makes you worry about your wife and that she'll leave you.

 

When those low times come and you're feeling mistrustful, sit down and think. Write out a list of all the wonderful things about your wife, and remember these revelations you have to help keep you on the straight and narrow. Try to see that your wife is your future, not your past with all that pain and resentment.

[allina]

As you can all see I have been flaking out the past few days about my marriage. This board and others combined with situations with people I know have been making me doubt my marriage and doubt how trust worthy my wife is but a night out with the guys helped put things in perspective. A couple of guys were talking about their marriages and most of them seemed to be married to women that no longer seemed to love them and resented them. Many of them hadn't had sex in a year and their wives controlled their every move. They were told how to dress, who to have as friends and were treated like children.

 

I realized that none of this applied to my marriage. My wife shows me everyday how much she cares and we have great sex. She doesn't try to cut me off from my friends or tell me how to dress. I can be me when I am with her and I feel relaxed when we are together. I have not lost who I am in this marriage at all. Seeing how bad things could be in comparison makes me appreciate her even more. I will still be outspoken about gender issues but I will make sure to appreciate what I have at home. I can't 100% sure that I won't flake out again but I will try my hardest not to.

 

Woggle, it seems like the men you keep company with are in some very troubled marriages. What you describe in your first paragraph is not the norm, and shouldn't be a way of life.

 

I don't think all your views are completely incorrect and I'm someone who isn't really offended by the things you say about women, but please learn how to separate your issues from your marriage. You are aware that you are often extreme in your beliefs, this is all based on the negative things in your past, your wife did not cause these things to happen and shouldn't be punished for them. This woman seems like an amazing, loving wife, next time you get these negative feelings for no real reason try to understand that this is because of your issues and not anything she is doing.

[Owl]

Woggle-

 

You really do need to be careful about who you hang out with. Negative friends, or friends in negative relationships WILL affect your view of things...more towards their view than anything else.

 

Given your already present phobia/issues with women, that's a truly dangerous mix for your marriage.

 

You need to cultivate some new friends...ones that ARE happily married, that can provide you a better role model for your marriage.

 

Those negative influences will increase the risk that YOU could cheat on her...those same kind of influences were a factor in my wife's choice to engage in an emotional affair a couple of years ago. Don't think that you are immune...given your current feelings about women and such, I think you're a HIGHER risk than most...and that's something you need to be aware of and gaurd against.