I'm in defense mode

[neeser68]

And I can't get out! My hubby and I have a very long and crazy past. We were actually divorced for a year after a 3 year seperation, but worked things out. For some reason I always assume the worst. I always think that he isn't coming through for me. I know this isn't right, but when we have our arguments I always am on the defense and I can't stop it.

I'm wondering what I can do to stop this behavior before it gets out of control. Now it's not a trust thing. We've never cheated on each other so that's not what I'm defensive about. I always think that he thinks the worst of me and then I get defensive.

I know there must be some harbouring of old issues, but for the life of me I can't be the better person and stop myself before I turn into an evil witch.

[quankanne]

might not be a problem of harboring old issues as it is a problem with not knowing how to fight fair. However a good counsellor will help give you the tools needed to improve your communication skills (and that includes how to fight fairly).

 

another way of looking at it is sticking to the topic at hand when you argue – all your problems of the past are a deep, deep ocean you really have no need to fish from, eh?

[Trialbyfire]

Do you take the offensive, when you feel defensive?

[Johnboy]

I always think that he thinks the worst of me

 

I agree w/poster above, make sure you are sticking to the topic at hand and don't let past things creep in on what you're talking about, they can skew you one way or the other. And try to take what he says at face value, instead of looking for a reason to keep going w/the fight.