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Almost 9yrs! a part of me feels like dieing

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Old 24th April 2007, 5:44 PM   #1
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Question Almost 9yrs! a part of me feels like dieing

I am stuck like a rock in this marriage. We've been together since '99. My husband came into the marriage with me already having a 2yr old son. It's my fault. I think he fell in love with my son 1st, so he said once. I don't know if he felt sorry for me or just really wanted to be with me. We have 2 more kids now and we have been fighting or going with the flow the entire time we have been together.
I wasn't looking for a daddy and i told him that. I told i didn't want to find myself dependant on a man either and thats where i find myself. I quit school to help ends meet. Since our first child together i have been a stay at home mom. When i try to go to school our children or his work schedule stand in the way of it. When things before seemed to be doing well i was able to go to school. Only to come home early and find my 4yr old locked outside and my 6mos old to bed at 5pm just so he could look at his porn. So, I stopped going because i didn't feel i could trust him to not neglect the kids.
Porn was such a big problem in our relationship from the start. At first i would just laugh it off and think it was silly how he would be so secretive about it but then it started to hurt. i didn't feel secure leaving him alone and when i did i could leave the kids. I felt trapped. then the problem of my own sexual needds started to become ignored. him being 23 and turning down sex with the excuse, "I have to get up early." was only a wake up call to find him on the computer at wee hours of the night! He never wanted to talk about and would sometimes try to make me think I was crazy! because when i would find the proof on the computer, i didn't know how to find it to show him. For yrs i would search the computer and hidden spots of the house for videos. He got really good at hiding it for about a year and then i found it again. was the year that in which he was supposively seeking help and going to meetings.
No real excuse for it but i ended up cheating on him. i tried to end our relationship because i couldn't believe in myself that it wouldn't happen again and i hated being a cheater! I was facing the fact that we didn't need to be together anymore. Cheating was against my policy and i was the one who committed to doing so. He didn't want to call it off. he blamed himself and begged and promised to change. he pleaded that only if he gave me the attention i need that i would have found it in another man. I tried to be stronge and stayed. What better for my children than to have their prerents together?I band chatting for a few yrs chose not to talk to the opposite sex about my problems anymore.
I thought things were getting back on track for about the 6mos he supposivly wasn't looking at porn anymore and I got pregnant again. 3mos into the pregnacy i found the worst porn i could've thought of and confronted him about it. I said that things for sure weren't going to work. he said i'd need to get an abortion because he wasn't going to find himeself child support for 2 kids. I got lost in my depression and feeling it wouldn't be possible for me to go on with 3 kids on my own. So I stayed again. I was so angry and still in the back of my mind i still am angry with him for even considering an abortion. If i could go back I would have left him then.
Pretty much ever since I had the baby, which was 4 1/2 yrs ago, we have been up and down. I have been on anti-dep. and when i am on them i feel he takes more advantage of the fact that i am less likely to give a care. So i don't take them anymore.I haven't caught much porn but then again, I stopped looking. I am in a rut and i can't seem to climb out of it. I hurt inside, most of the time i feel miserable about my choices and now i not only have 3 children to worry about but they are 10, 6, 4 yrs old. How are they going to feel? Someone just give me feed back on this. I am feeling relief for letting it out on here and i feel enlitement to think i will hear back from a side that isn't emotionaly connected.
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Old 1st May 2007, 12:02 PM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: north central illinois
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was it child porn i mean the most disgusting stuff you saw--- i ask because you said he really liked your son--- kinda sounds like Lolita to me Humbert Humbert married the lady to get close to her daughter and with my work with DCFS i saw the the single moms who find this wonderful new man only to find him molesting her kids and that was probably why he dated her in the first place to get access to kids.... It appeared to me that the pedophiles seek out single moms--- your kids are young I'd start questioning them as soon as possible as to whether or not anything has happened and then they may have been intimidated and wont confess until much prodding it could take months of continula prodding in this case the mom knew something was weird and had an idea but the kid never confessed until it happened again if they wet themselves while awake watch out

If it was child porn and he gets busted the law will want to know what you knew about it your parental rights could be in jeopardy if this were to happen failure to protect kids from danger calls for placement in a foster home until you can show an ability to protect again parenting classes, therapy and whatnot or the law could pin you as an accomplice and then you would be up the creek with no paddle
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