Sexless Marriage in the News

[StayClose]

This topic seems to be in the national media lately. My wife recently saved and episode of The View for me to see where the topic was a recently released survey that said that one out of three married couples has sex less than 10 times a year.

 

The point she was making in showing me this seems to be

 

1) We're not the only couple not having sex all the time,

2) We're doing better than some because have sex more than 10 times a year (it's probably about 15 times a year).

3) Since so many people have sex less than 10 times a year, it's perfectly normal and acceptable.

4) Because we're about 40 years old and have been together for 10 years, we're not in the initial stage of our relationship, so I shouldn't expect sex to be very often or very good.

 

I told her I felt like this like saying that because many people have huge credit card debt or abuse alcohol, than these things are normal and acceptable too. I've been reading a lot about the role of sex in relationships, and while it does seem to be normal for the amount of sex to decrease after the initial stage (7 times a week to twice a week seems optimal for me), I haven't read anthing that says that at 40 yrs old and 10 years together, poor quality sex once a month is the most one should expect. In fact, there's a lot out there about the need for keeping the sex life alive & vibrant.

[Moose]

Had this been my wife I'd have to tell her to quit listening to the media, and think for herself. Afterall, that's what she'd say to me.....

[whichwayisup]

4) Because we're about 40 years old and have been together for 10 years, we're not in the initial stage of our relationship, so I shouldn't expect sex to be very often or very good.

 

That's an excuse. Big time.

 

As humans, we NEED to feel that desire by our spouses. We need that intimacy and that connection, and in all honesty, most of us also just wanna get laid and have good sex.

 

(Yes, I am female.)

[StayClose]

We're both media junkies. She accuses me of thinking "everyone's doing it but us" because that's what the media has us believing.

 

Well I do think for myself. My office is one block from a baseball stadium, and on game days I see crowds out my window walking to the park. Does it bother me that they're going to the game and I am not? No, because I'm not a baseball fan, so it doesn't bother me to see others going to the game but not me.

 

I'm not listening to the media to tell me how much sex is right - I'm listening to my body, whcih tells me 1-3 times a week is optimal. After a week I start to get cranky & resentful. To be honest, I don't think 5-7 times a week is practical for us at this point.

[portableversion]

well we also have heard the stats that 50% of marriage ends in divorce, 65% of the hubbies cheat and about40% of the women cheat add in the fact now that 33% have sex less than 10 times a year.... wow!!

[StayClose]

I wonder if there's any connection between the first 3 statistics and the last????

[cranium]

I wonder if there's any connection between the last statistic and the first 3????

[tanbark813]

survey that said that one out of three married couples has sex less than 10 times a year.

 

This is another example of how numbers can be misleading or manipulated to make the point you want. You could easily counter that by saying, "Well that means 2 out of 3 couples--or the MAJORITY of couples--are having sex more than 10 times a year. So actually that should be considered normal."

 

And, realistically, that would be a stronger argument anyway.

[Mr. Lucky]

My wife recently saved and episode of The View for me to see where the topic was a recently released survey that said that one out of three married couples has sex less than 10 times a year.

We seem to be accepting this statistic at face value. Not that I doubt Star Jones's knowledge of all things sexual but that percentage of sexless couples seems a little high to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JackJack]

I don't really go by percentages or statistics alot, because it changes quite often. Plus, you never know who is really getting sex more than they say they are, and who is not. Some people brag and some people lie about it.

[Topper]

Reminds me of a saying... If you want to ruin a perfectly good sex life just get married.

 

No matter what other people are doing or not doing if you are unhappy with your sex life you need to do something about it. Sounds like at least the two of you are talking about things.

[Guest]

I agree with Topper. The stats are nothing really, just stats and they can be so easily manipulated. It's important that what you two have together is right for you. Using the statistics is just an excuse for either one of you to accept something that isn't feeling right. I suggest you both talk about it and work out what is good for both of you.

[StayClose]

Reminds me of a saying... If you want to ruin a perfectly good sex life just get married.

 

No matter what other people are doing or not doing if you are unhappy with your sex life you need to do something about it. Sounds like at least the two of you are talking about things.

 

I find it ironic that a lot of people still teach kids that it's best to stay abstinent until marriage, while at the same time one out of every two stand up comedians does a routine about how there is no sex after marriage.

[Jane22067]

I think it is a shame you wife does not have more interest in sex or much interest in meeting your needs.

 

Does she meet your other needs, such as for companionship, and do you meet her's. If yes, you may have to accept the situation and focus on being a good husband.

[Mr. Lucky]

If yes, you may have to accept the situation and focus on being a good husband.

What does that mean exactly???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jane22067]

Enjoy the other aspects of the relationship. That could be difficult for a man that gets married just for sex but it may have to be enough

[tanbark813]

Enjoy the other aspects of the relationship. That could be difficult for a man that gets married just for sex but it may have to be enough

 

 

Nobody gets married just for sex. If a woman can't figure out how to satisfy her husband then she's not being a good wife. And, as such, there no longer exists a reason to be a good husband. It's not a crime to want to have sex with your spouse. *gasp*

[Jane22067]

 

Nobody gets married just for sex. If a woman can't figure out how to satisfy her husband then she's not being a good wife. And, as such, there no longer exists a reason to be a good husband. It's not a crime to want to have sex with your spouse. *gasp*

 

If she has to figure out how to satisfy him sexually or he is not obligated to be a good husband, then the other things she does don't count?

sounds like you are only marrying for sex then.

 

It is not like there is none

 

Anyway married men are never satisfied

[tanbark813]

If she has to figure out how to satisfy him sexually or he is not obligated to be a good husband, then the other things she does don't count?

sounds like you are only marrying for sex then.

 

I would get a divorce if my wife cheated on me. Does that mean that I'm only getting married for fidelity? Of course not, but infidelity would still negate everything else as a reason to stay married. Just because someone has specific needs to be met for them to feel happy doesn't mean that those are the only needs they have or exist as the sole motivation for their decision to get married. I'm not sure why that's such a difficult concept to comprehend.

 

And some married men are satisfied. Maybe yours isn't, but others are. Hell, some women, for that matter, aren't satisfied. Just look around at some of the other posts.

[Jane22067]

Your reasoning does not track. Adultry breaks the marriage contract. Infrequent sex does not. As I said in my first post, a lot depends on how other aspects of the marriage are going. Remember they are middle aged

 

Also, if I were a middle aged woman and my husband wanted a divorce on the issue of infrequent sex, I would say fine if he were will to pay enough alimony.

 

I would not be surprised if this fellow would end up poorer and not much more sex anyway.

[Mr. Lucky]

Adultry breaks the marriage contract. Infrequent sex does not.

Well, you've got the "honor" part of the contract down pat but you seem to have skipped over the "love". Your philosophy ensures a steady stream of married men to post on threads like this...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tanbark813]

Your reasoning does not track. Adultry breaks the marriage contract. Infrequent sex does not.

 

I was talking about happiness and satisfaction within a marriage. That's much more important than a piece of paper, IMO.

[Jane22067]

I was talking about happiness and satisfaction within a marriage. That's much more important than a piece of paper, IMO.

 

And that happiness is determining by many things, an agenda much broader than sex

[Zona76]

OMG I hope my marriage is never like that. If it were less than once a week I'd be real worried. Well...once when he was really sick with a stomach virus, and it went to about 10 days...

[luvstarved]

Your reasoning does not track. Adultry breaks the marriage contract. Infrequent sex does not. As I said in my first post, a lot depends on how other aspects of the marriage are going. Remember they are middle aged

 

Also, if I were a middle aged woman and my husband wanted a divorce on the issue of infrequent sex, I would say fine if he were will to pay enough alimony.

 

I would not be surprised if this fellow would end up poorer and not much more sex anyway.

 

I disagree that lack of sex does not break the marriage contract. I believe it does. You are supposed to love, honor and cherish and blowing off your spouse's need for sex does not meet that.

 

My H does not want to have sex with me, he prefers to jerk off in the shower. It is becoming a deal breaker for me. He says that my making sex so important shows how I am really uncommitted and have my priorities screwed up. I say that if he thinks so little of my needs, he has his priorities screwed up.

 

It is not just sex, either. For a lot of us it is about the lack of INTIMACY that goes along with it. How can you really have an intimate relationship without sex (barring physical problems, etc).

 

And yeah we are middle aged too. My H seems to think that having a dog a cat 3 kids a house and steady jobs means we are living the American Dream. Maybe he should have married you.