coco_milkshake Posted March 16, 2007 Share Posted March 16, 2007 Hiya people Being Indian it is the norm of people of "come of age" to get married - arranged style. Basically the parents spread the word that their child is ready to get married and tell people to find a suitable partner for their child (this is a big deal if its a daughter). The suitable spouse has to be: same culture, same caste, not be from the same village in India, need to be "decent" ie the boy (when its the daughter thats getting married) should not have had previous partners, should not drink, do drugs, smoke etc. For the boy the wife has to be a virgin, should know how to cook, clean, should not drink alcohol, smoke, has to be willing to do what her husband says, compromise her life to please her husband and his family. - if the girl does not fit any of the criteria above, then she is ridiculed and a list of complaints is given to her parents for not being a good daughter-in-law. This is the type of life I have to look forward to, that is if I dont get out and live my life my way. I honestly dont understand how someone can marry someone they barely know to please their parents and a hypocritical society. Mum jokes about my marriage a lot and it was scary when I received my first marriage proposal at 19 years old. In our culture when you marry the guy, you marry his family and you have to particularly make a hell of an effort with his mother which sickens me to death lol. Whenever I do something which my mum doesnt like she goes "Your in-laws will complain to me if you do that there" or "I would love to see you do that at your in-laws and see if your mother-in-law lets you get away with it" - I hate my non-existant in-laws already lol. It would be interesting to know what people think of this. Link to post Share on other sites
NearlyThere Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 Well coco_milkshake I have to say I would hate to be in your position and have such a terrible dilema. To have to choose between going with your family and culture and being unhappy with a partner that is chosen for you OR possibly facing never seeing your family again but choosing a partner for yourself and no-one els. There has been a lot in the media (in the uk) recently about the so called "honour killings" due to a person not wishing to have an arranged marriage and the family finding it totally unacceptable and would rather have a child killed as opposed to marrying outside their caste. I know from reading your other posts your current sitch with your family is slighty unpleasant to say the least. Its difficult to criticise someone elses culture, but I can't say I agree with what is done. I know some women/men have managed to convince or compromise with their families to let them find a person themselves but one who will fit all the said criterias which surely has to be a slightly more acceptable option. Even then though you are still beholden to the in-laws, a very daunting prospect for most of us at best, lol. I have a work colleague/friend who is a sikh and she was very lucky with her in-laws and with her husband, her in-laws let them just get on with everything and pretty much leave them alone, her sister was not so lucky, she married the oldest brother in a family and they live with the mother-in-law, apparently she makes my friends sisters life a living hell, not a moments peace, day in, day out. There are now even on-line matchmaking agencies set-up specifically for this purpose to find people within the same religion and caste a match at least with someone a person can find attractive. Good luck to you coco!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted March 17, 2007 Share Posted March 17, 2007 I don't understand the whole arranged marriage thing either. Fair enough in a bygone era when the joining of two families was an important aspect of building power and influence, but in today's society I would hesitate to suggest it still plays a part and is merely held onto for traditions' sake. My fiance is from Laos (next to Thailand) and while we were dating her parents brought over the son of a powerful family from Laos to see if she had any interest. Luckily, she doesn't buy into the traditional ways and was able to make her own choices. Final thought: It's your life, you have to live with it... why let someone else make your choices for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lennox Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Hey Coco If an arranged marriage is not something you can see for yourself, then by all means don't do it! I grew up in a Westernized society, and I can see the sense that an arranged marriage comes from when both families are looking at their sons and daughters as individuals and taking their individual needs into consideration. Now as far as your parents are concerned, they had to take into consideration that when they moved into a Westernized society that you may make a different decision than they would see you making. Personally, I don't think that arranged marriages are any better or worse than love marriages if they are done right. If you pick the right guy to get married with, in the long run, it's not going to matter whether he's Indian or a British white guy or whatever. Once your little babies are born, they are going to love them. And you know how things are in societies that are darker skinned...they tend to like the lighter skinned ones (I'm hispanic, it's the same thing with us). Being from Scotland, I'll bet you'll wind up with someone pretty white if he's not an Indian guy. Parents and grandparents are notorious for teasing us when we're younger too. I'm 41 and my grandma used to always tell me that I'd grow up to marry Michael Jackson!! Even back then, I was like nooooooooooo.....!!! lol If only she knew what would become of that little boy...good lord! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 just hookup with some indian dude yourself. the other option is to find a nice jewish dentist. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 I think the idea of arranged marriages is good in theory, but maybe the theory doesn't work so well in practice when you live in Scotland. Alphamale's idea is not bad. Maybe you could find someone that would largely satisfy your parents' criteria, but whom you yourself have chosen. So maybe your parents would prefer a little compromise rather than having you rail and rage about being married at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 just hookup with some indian dude yourself. the other option is to find a nice jewish dentist. Lol AM. I aint allowed to pick my own man - like I aint allowed to see a guy and then go to my parents and say "Hey I want to marry him". After the whole fiasco with my ex who is White Catholic they would hit the roof. They want it to be that they find the guy, I get to know him by talking on the phone and by arranging when to meet up with him with the approval of our parents. I dont like the sound of that to be honest. Its very hard for me cos I am trying my best not to like anyone, like fall for someone outside my culture but I am not a robot. I cant help how I feel and you cant help who you fall in love with. I just wish they would understand that but with my 4 eldest sisters who have had arranged marriages I dont stand a chance of getting treated differently. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Ouch. You are in a fix. How are your sister doing in their marriages? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Ouch. You are in a fix. How are your sister doing in their marriages? They are doing ok. My eldest brother in law is a total idiot and he has caused a lot of trouble for my sister. He has thrown my sister out 3 times when my nephew was months old. He broke our windows on valentines day a few years a go cos he came to his work drunk when my sister was covering his shift and she got upset and came to our house. He got arrested cos it was all women in the house and he threatened to kill my sister and attacked a police officer while getting hand cuffed. Its funny how mum likes him after all that and all I do is have a bf and I get treated like a criminal by her. Fact is my sisters wanted arranged marriages so thats fine. I dont but I dont think they seem to care about that. Mum is planning on getting me married in the next few years and for me its a case of leaving home and getting disowned or going ahead with something which will make me miserable for the rest of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 They are doing ok. My eldest brother in law is a total idiot and he has caused a lot of trouble for my sister. He has thrown my sister out 3 times when my nephew was months old. He broke our windows on valentines day a few years a go cos he came to his work drunk when my sister was covering his shift and she got upset and came to our house. He got arrested cos it was all women in the house and he threatened to kill my sister and attacked a police officer while getting hand cuffed. It seems 'doing ok' means something different in the highlands. I have no experience with your culture, so all my stock advice is a bit useless here, but if your marriage is a few years off, you've got some time to work on matters, though. Are you studying? If you had an education you'd be able to support yourself, and your parents would have less leverage over you. Maybe you wouldn't have to disown them outright, but if you had the option to do so, perhaps they would listen to you more. When all is said and done they love you (and do what they believe is best for you) and a bit of unspoken blackmail may work. Perhaps you could work a compromise, you find a guy yourself, but they have a veto. Lot's of maybe's and perhaps' I realise. A fix indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Hi Erik Yes I am currently studying. I am in my final year at university doing my honours in Psychology. It is true that I would gain my independence with this under my belt but fact is I worked for a year and that is where I met my ex. My family made me quit work and they have kept my years worth of wages which is a 4 figure sum. They have made me dependent on them in every way. I aint allowed to do anything unless they give me permission and that is stupid stuff like getting my hair cut or getting new clothes and I am 21 years of age. Once I have my degree and if I continue to stay at home, my mum will decide what area I am allowed to work in. Its like I am not allowed to live my life my way. My sister down south in England, the 4th one who I hate just as much as my mum, if not more says that people down there are asking a lot for my hand in marriage cos they think I am like her lol. I am the total opposite of what she is. I am not fake, I am not arrogant and I dont have pride. It scares me cos this one woman apparently is hell bent on having me marry her son who is a 33 year old divorcee cos she likes my sister and assumes I am like her. Thankfully my sister turned her down. I feel nothing but fear for my future. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Aww... Damn! This sounds a bit out of the LS-league. I would suggest you seek professional help, there are organisations that help women in your situation. What I am saying is in effect that you run away. You are a grown woman, and unless the law is very different in Scotland than in Denmark, your family no longer have any authority over you. So it really wouldn't be running away as such, just moving away from home. It is a very bleak prospect, I realise, but your situation sounds desperate, and even if it looks bleak from your current perspective, getting away from home might make the future seems a bit brighter. You sound like a resourceful person, with a degree in psychology I think you should be able to build a new life. The problem is, of course, that as long as you study, your family always knows where to find you. So maybe you'd want to wait until you've got your honours. What I'm wondering is, how far would your family go to keep you in the fold? I'm sorry not to be of more help, but I really think you should seek out one of those organisations I spoke of. But then again, I bet you've already considered that possibility. Remember, in moderate doses, pride is not a bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 You are right Erik and I am looking into it. I know I have the option of getting out which is comforting as I am now more aware of my rights than I was about 6 months ago and just before that when I was placed under house arrest for 3/4 months and thats when I resorted to cutting and contemplating suicide. I know for certain that I will be disowned as I have been warned many times not to do anything which will make my family's heads "hang in shame". I am not sure how far my family is willing to go to keep me in control and their so-called honour in tact. I have been cut off from my friends so I only get to meet them at uni, my online accounts are watched, they dont know I come here on LS cos if they did I wouldnt be allowed near another computer. I am completely dependent on them financially and its humiliating asking them for money when I want new clothes etc. I got told that I am lucky that I wasnt beaten black and blue by them and that I should have gone through that so that I know what my place is and they dont care if they had to go to prison for it cos honour is everything to them. However, I have been hurt physically a few times by them. Link to post Share on other sites
pricillia Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 You are right Erik and I am looking into it. I know I have the option of getting out which is comforting as I am now more aware of my rights than I was about 6 months ago and just before that when I was placed under house arrest for 3/4 months and thats when I resorted to cutting and contemplating suicide. I know for certain that I will be disowned as I have been warned many times not to do anything which will make my family's heads "hang in shame". I am not sure how far my family is willing to go to keep me in control and their so-called honour in tact. I have been cut off from my friends so I only get to meet them at uni, my online accounts are watched, they dont know I come here on LS cos if they did I wouldnt be allowed near another computer. I am completely dependent on them financially and its humiliating asking them for money when I want new clothes etc. I got told that I am lucky that I wasnt beaten black and blue by them and that I should have gone through that so that I know what my place is and they dont care if they had to go to prison for it cos honour is everything to them. However, I have been hurt physically a few times by them. CoCo... I hope that you realize that this is abuse towards you. How are are you if you don't mind me asking... Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 What they are doing to you is illegal in any Western country. Even if you were underage, they couldn't take your paycheque, and not hit you either. House arrest is illegal detainment. If your don't like your family and they keep you from seeing your friends, it seems to me you have little to lose by running. I'd say your family should hang their heads in shame about how they treat you. Maybe they only do what they think is right, but they must realise that having grown up in Scotland, you are no longer entirely Indian and should not be subject to customs of a culture that is no longer entirely yours and which flies so in the face of Anglo-Saxon customs. Are you grounded now? Do you know where to go in case you decide to leave the nest? Maybe you could sneak away from uni and see a counsellor, hear what your options are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Hi Erik I am only allowed out of the house to go to university and thats it. Once my classes are over I am expected to come straight home if I dont have any research to do for my dissertation. I am seeing my unversity counsellor secretly and even ended up going to a woman's clinic to get checked for chest pains and weight loss cos mum wouldnt let me go to the docs saying that she is my doctor and all she has to do is feed me lol. She found out about that and went mental and denied all knowledge of not allowing me to go to the family doctor cos of my sudden weight loss. I also went there cos they have a counselling service and I asked about my rights if I want to get out. I am having panic attacks which my family have no knowledge of and I self harmed a few weeks ago and my education is being affected cos of the fear that I feel all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 I also went there cos they have a counselling service and I asked about my rights if I want to get out. So what did they tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 So what did they tell you? They said that they will get me into accommodation, a safe house if you like and they will help me get back on my feet. There are safe houses throughout the UK so I choose where I want to end up. I told her that if my family find out I have been there then they will most likely make me quit uni cos I remember my sister suggested that and I panicked. She said that if that was the case then they will get the police involved and I will get taken into a safe house asap and go out of sight of my family. In addition, she said that they will help me claim back my wages that mum took off me. Its just a case of getting the nerve and courage to get the hell out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 It seems you are on the right course. Do you think you family would back down if they got some kind of restraining order for uni? I can't really help you with courage, but I think a good way would be not to plan anything. One day during courses, just stand up, walk out and go to the safe house. Only think about it after you've done it. This kind of courage comes in short bursts, and if you think too long, the moment of courage will have come and gone before you act. Listen, I hate to leave you hanging there, but I have to sign off. I hope you do all right. I'll check up on you soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 It seems you are on the right course. Do you think you family would back down if they got some kind of restraining order for uni? I can't really help you with courage, but I think a good way would be not to plan anything. One day during courses, just stand up, walk out and go to the safe house. Only think about it after you've done it. This kind of courage comes in short bursts, and if you think too long, the moment of courage will have come and gone before you act. Listen, I hate to leave you hanging there, but I have to sign off. I hope you do all right. I'll check up on you soon. Thanks Erik I have been thinking about nothing else for months on end and some days I am determined to do it and other times I just chicken out of it which is frustrating. Hope to talk to you soon. Chat later Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 coco, I hope you can get some help. To many here in the west arranged marriage is something we just don't understand. Here in the USA there are a lot of men from India working in engineering and computers. A Great many of these very educated men ask their Family back in India to find them a wife. If you do leave your Family things will be hard . But maybe in time they will come around . Maybe your actions will help them grow and see they there is no shame on them or you. They choose to live in a western country for a reason. Even if it was just economics. They must understand on some level that you are influenced by the culture around you. You are not just Indian anymore. Since you are getting a degree in Physiology perhaps you could work with other young woman in your situation. If you find the courage I wish you much luck. Please keep posting here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 Hey Topper, Thank you for your support and kind words Arranged marriages in the West is an alien thing and living in it is hard when you are torn between two cultures like I am. If I had been in India, I would have probably gone ahead with it quite happily cos I would have been raised in that type of environment. This is something my parents should have expected when they moved here. And I am doing a degree in Psychology not Physiology lol. Easy to confuse them when spelling it I suppose lol. I am getting as much help as I can and I hope to use this very helpful site to inspire me to just pack my bags and leave - easier said than done heh. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Lol AM. I aint allowed to pick my own man - like I aint allowed to see a guy and then go to my parents and say "Hey I want to marry him". After the whole fiasco with my ex who is White Catholic they would hit the roof. They want it to be that they find the guy, I get to know him by talking on the phone and by arranging when to meet up with him with the approval of our parents. I dont like the sound of that to be honest. Its very hard for me cos I am trying my best not to like anyone, like fall for someone outside my culture but I am not a robot. I cant help how I feel and you cant help who you fall in love with. I just wish they would understand that but with my 4 eldest sisters who have had arranged marriages I dont stand a chance of getting treated differently. So once you move out and get away from your family, then there will be no arranged marriage, correct? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coco_milkshake Posted March 18, 2007 Author Share Posted March 18, 2007 So once you move out and get away from your family, then there will be no arranged marriage, correct? Yes correct, at the expense of losing my family and place in the Indian society if I move out while being single. Its great being an Indian girl lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted March 18, 2007 Share Posted March 18, 2007 Yes correct, at the expense of losing my family and place in the Indian society if I move out while being single. Its great being an Indian girl lol. I can't wait for that to happen. You are going to be so much better off when you move out. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts