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What does he have to hide?


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Old 9th December 2006, 12:45 PM   #1
NoLiesPlease
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What does he have to hide?

This is a bit long...so please bear with me. I need help in seeing if I'm overreacting or if he's actually hiding something.

My husband whom I've been with for the past 3 years is a great guy. We love each other and are happy together. Only problem is, I think he lies to me here and there. The most obvious of the lies are about his past. I've never taken our past too seriously. I've told him loads of stories from my past. I've told him about past relationships which I just laugh about now. I find it fun to share such things. He on the other hand doesn't share anything about his past. He'd told me in his 'courting' days about a few relationships that didn't work out, without much details.

Even those days I knew there was something he was hiding, and despite me asking (about a particular girl he said he was only friends with)...he never admit anything. A year into our relationship, I found out (and he finally admit) that he was involved with that girl in the past but didn't tell me because he thought i'd get upset. I assured him I had no issues with his past, but I made it clear to him that I didn't want to be lied to...EVER.

Now from to time, things from the past come up, and his stories are never straight. He'll tell me one thing one time, and then something different the next. It's come to a point that despite all my love for him, I've started doubting him. I hate myself for it because at times I feel like I'm over-reacting...but I feel as if I don't know when he's telling the truth and when he's lying. I've always been truthful to him, no matter what. All I ask is for him to trust me...and be honest. I don't like being lied to...nor do I want things hidden from me. We've had numerous talks about this, but something always comes up that makes me realize he's lying. He never has anything to say in his defense except some mumbo jumbo that clearly makes him look like he's desperately trying to straighten his story. And within minutes, he gets pissed off and (at times) physically pushes me away.

I just don't know what to do. I love him too much to think about leaving him...but how can I continue living with someone I don't really trust?
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Old 9th December 2006, 1:52 PM   #2
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About the past thing, I can kinda relate because I absolutely DESPISE (capped for emotion) talking about any of my past sexual/emotional experiences with my current partner. It feels completely unnatural to me and makes me uncomfortable. As such, I also do not care to hear about any of the same from my partner. I am not at all interested in emotions or sex that she shared with someone else... no thank you. I mean, I wanna know about past relationships in general, but anything close to a detail and I cringe. What can I say, it works for me and I know myself enough to demand this.

I am unclear, is this the topic that is the crux of your concern or is he lying about other things that exist solely between the two of you?
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Old 9th December 2006, 2:48 PM   #3
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Get him hilariously drunk and then playing an innocent game of 20 Questions (or 30? 40? 50?). And while you're at it - my personal favorite - find out what you're getting for Christmas!

LOL

On a more serious note, it's obvious that you want to know about his past because you love him. That's great! We always want to know more about the one we love.

On the other hand, it may be better for to move on from his past. Maybe he's ashamed of what he's done or think that you'd see him in a different light if you knew certain things about him (i.e. "Gosh, my wife may think that I'd cheat on her like I did a past girlfriend").

Has your husband lied, misled or held back information about anything he's done from the time you were together and on? If not, I don't think you have anything to worry about. He married YOU because he loves you very much and it was YOU whom he chose to start a new life chapter with. In the interest of picking battles, I'd suggest sticking to the good old "What's in the past stays in the past."

Good luck
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Old 9th December 2006, 3:12 PM   #4
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Does he lie about other things, or just about his past relationships?

I'd be pissed off if I were you, though. It's one thing to not talk about past relationships. It's quite another to lie about them. I'd wonder what else he's lying about. He's obviously not a very good liar, though, so if he's lying about other things, you'd probably know.
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Old 9th December 2006, 6:43 PM   #5
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And within minutes, he gets pissed off and (at times) physically pushes me away.
Am I the only one who noticed this?

He gets pissed off and -at times- physically pushes you away?? That's not good..
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Old 9th December 2006, 10:12 PM   #6
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Krytellan, I've never told him intimate details about my past relationships, nor do I care to know about his. I'm talking about basic information here...how they met, how long they were together, etc. For example, he told me he was asked out by this one girl he'd seriously gotten involved with. The next time he says he's the one who asked her out. I remind him about what he said the last time...so he gets confused and this time says, neither asked the other out directly, but we both realized we liked each other and started going out.

KnottyLady, he doesn't drink...otherwise that wasn't a bad idea. ;-)

The first major lie was told within the first year of being together. Like I mentioned in my first post, he had been friends with this girl whom I suspected he'd had some history with. I took it very lightly and often teased him about it. He didn't admit to it, and at times got really pissed off. Eventually some stuff happened, and the truth came out. He really HAD been involved with her. I don't know how long it lasted. Heck, I don't even know if he was still involved with her when we met.

That really shattered my trust....but over time I realized he was sincere with me, so I let it go. Since being married and living together, I have caught some lies here and there, but nothing too drastic that'd make me end the relationship, but it certainly makes me doubt him and question my trust in him. I hate that. I want to be able to live my life without worrying about whether my husband is lying to me or telling the truth. But he somehow doesn't seem to understand. We've talked about this...and he says he tells me the truth at all times. Then why do I catch these little lies here and there...and majorly when it comes to his past relationships?

whichwayisup, I wouldn't say it's abusive, but yeah it bothers me.
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Old 10th December 2006, 12:41 AM   #7
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whichwayisup, I wouldn't say it's abusive, but yeah it bothers me
If he shoves or pushes you, it is abusive...And it bothers you so that's not right either. HE needs to learn to keep his hands to himself, angry or not. Respect has to be there...

Keep telling him how his little lies are making you feel, how it's making you not trust him. And I also suggest maybe you two should consider going to marriage counselling, learn how to communicate, listen to eachother and grow together, instead of him hiding and lying about stuff from you and then getting angry about it.
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Old 10th December 2006, 10:08 PM   #8
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I can only tell you about my experience. Maybe it sheds some light on how some people think.

I too have never been completely up from with my wife about my past experiences. In my case, I was very sexually inexperienced. My wife had more experience than I, and honestly that knowledge bothers me for some reason. I wish I never knew. I think misleading my wife about my past might be some type of defense mechanism.

My experience might be totally different from yours. Your description of your husband's "lies" reminds me a bit of what I have done.
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Old 11th December 2006, 2:59 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by NoLiesPlease View Post
I just don't know what to do. I love him too much to think about leaving him...but how can I continue living with someone I don't really trust?
Just out of curiosity, do you think that the lies are designed to make him look better? More selective in his partners, more accomplished in his achievments, etc.? It seems to be a common trait for us guys, looking back, that the fish was always bigger, the highschool homerun was always longer, the girls were always more plentiful. I think it's our not-to-subtle way of dealing with our insecurities as we get older. I don't recall women being as prone to the same revisionist history.

Now if he's lying about what he did yesterday, that's a different story...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 11th December 2006, 3:20 AM   #10
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lying is for those who have not learned that

simply be honest about everything saves u a ton of grief

example1: once the ex walked by me sitting at the dining room table playing sims 2 [in our house] and i didn't know she was upstairs and i had let a stinker rip and she went ewwwwwwwwwwwww was that u? and went what? nope. but i blush when i lie so she knew and got some air fresher and hosed me down

playful lie


example 2: i had been up for 5 days using cocaine and she found a baggie in the laundry and said, this is yers right? cocaine right? and i said - huh! thanks for doubting me - got grumpy and went outside for a smoke


unacceptable lie

btw

i just checked online at a club called barrymore's and there is an amazing band that i do not want to miss but i don't want to go alone [does anyone? lol]
i wonder if the ex would like a ticket as a christmas present? i have no idea.
my question is do i buy 2 just in case, is there something really more delusional then that?
suggestions? i'm online with ticketmaster, finger twitching. lol

ahhhhhhh, but she would have to contact me to let me know right?
[what a manipulative jerk he is she mutters] - lol

January 2007
date event location
Wed. Jan 17 Barrymore's Ottawa, ON
When the Angels Make Contact tour with special guest, Museum Pieces.
Tickets on sale Dec 1 (noon) at End Hits, at the Barrymore's Box office, through all Ticketmaster locations, by phoning (613) 755-1111 and online.
Doors at 8PM / 19+
Buy Tickets Online
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Old 11th December 2006, 9:50 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NoLies
The first major lie was told within the first year of being together. Like I mentioned in my first post, he had been friends with this girl whom I suspected he'd had some history with. I took it very lightly and often teased him about it. He didn't admit to it, and at times got really pissed off. Eventually some stuff happened, and the truth came out. He really HAD been involved with her. I don't know how long it lasted. Heck, I don't even know if he was still involved with her when we met.
It's usually best not to be too concerned with your S.O.'s past when it comes to their ex's. One may feel the need to lie about the subject out of embarrassment or shame. They don't want their partner to think less of them or doubt them for something that was done in the past and is no longer part of their character, so the lie seems justifiable.

In your case though, his "past", the female friend, was still part of his present life, so I would be concerned about why he felt the need to lie about her. You said "some stuff happened" and forced the truth out. What kind of "stuff"?

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoLies
Since being married and living together, I have caught some lies here and there, but nothing too drastic that'd make me end the relationship, but it certainly makes me doubt him and question my trust in him. I hate that. I want to be able to live my life without worrying about whether my husband is lying to me or telling the truth
I can really relate with you on this. Up until just a couple of months ago, I had the same problem w/my husband. I was always catching him in little lies when it came to other women...co-workers, friends...I know him well so I always pick up on his body language when he lies. When he would finally admit what the truth was, I would be so upset that something that was really no big deal had turned into such a huge fight. He would say he lied because he wanted to avoid that big fight...and I would explain that it was his lie that caused the fight, not the subject that he lied about to begin with.

When they lie about little things, it certainly introduces a lot of doubt into the relationship and you feel that if something substantial actually happened, there's no way they could tell the truth about that.

Quote:
Then why do I catch these little lies here and there...and majorly when it comes to his past relationships?
If the lies you keep catching only deal w/his past, I would suggest you stop asking about the past. As long as none of it affects your present situation, it seems to just be causing more trouble than what it is worth.
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Old 11th December 2006, 10:47 PM   #12
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where is that trusty fox - i still can't delete the d-site

i hope she can. i don't know why it doesn't work. i hope she doesn't get offended by me asking her to do my job.

and i still have my pix and the 'faves' there too. hmmmm. whatever. she's welcome to take a look see as long as she deletes the site that's all i worry about - because flitring with someone and having a profile on a d-site! NO CLASS MAN!

but how do i send her the passwords and stuff - i'm not putting it up here for every can see!

hmmmm....keep thinking batman - you'll figure it out
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Old 12th December 2006, 12:49 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by silentalways View Post
i hope she can. i don't know why it doesn't work. i hope she doesn't get offended by me asking her to do my job.

and i still have my pix and the 'faves' there too. hmmmm. whatever. she's welcome to take a look see as long as she deletes the site that's all i worry about - because flitring with someone and having a profile on a d-site! NO CLASS MAN!

but how do i send her the passwords and stuff - i'm not putting it up here for every can see!

hmmmm....keep thinking batman - you'll figure it out
I can't translate your misc ramblings, but it can tell you that it's considered rude to post them in someone else's thread. I'd point you to a specific forum but I have no clue what you're talking about.

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Old 12th December 2006, 12:50 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by silentalways View Post
btw

i just checked online at a club called barrymore's and there is an amazing band that i do not want to miss but i don't want to go alone [does anyone? lol]
i wonder if the ex would like a ticket as a christmas present? i have no idea.
my question is do i buy 2 just in case, is there something really more delusional then that?
suggestions? i'm online with ticketmaster, finger twitching. lol

ahhhhhhh, but she would have to contact me to let me know right?
[what a manipulative jerk he is she mutters] - lol

January 2007
date event location
Wed. Jan 17 Barrymore's Ottawa, ON
When the Angels Make Contact tour with special guest, Museum Pieces.
Tickets on sale Dec 1 (noon) at End Hits, at the Barrymore's Box office, through all Ticketmaster locations, by phoning (613) 755-1111 and online.
Doors at 8PM / 19+
Buy Tickets Online
See above...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 13th December 2006, 1:17 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Mrs. Emo View Post

In your case though, his "past", the female friend, was still part of his present life, so I would be concerned about why he felt the need to lie about her. You said "some stuff happened" and forced the truth out. What kind of "stuff"?
That's what bothered me the most. At the time, she was still part of his life, and he would often talk about them having phone conversations. I'm pretty open-minded, but I could tell there was more to what he'd originally told me, and that's what made me start doubting him.

I confronted him about it because he had started acting quite possessive/protective of her. I had to ask if they'd shared more than just friendship with each other. After a lot of denying, angry words exchanged, he finally admit it was true. I got very upset, but eventually got over it and asked him to promise me that he'd never lie again. He promised. The girl eventually phased out of his life. And from what i know, they haven't been in touch since. Even if they have, I don't mind, as long as I know about it.

Quote:
I can really relate with you on this. Up until just a couple of months ago, I had the same problem w/my husband. I was always catching him in little lies when it came to other women...co-workers, friends...I know him well so I always pick up on his body language when he lies. When he would finally admit what the truth was, I would be so upset that something that was really no big deal had turned into such a huge fight. He would say he lied because he wanted to avoid that big fight...and I would explain that it was his lie that caused the fight, not the subject that he lied about to begin with.
OMG, this is totally my story! The few times that I've actually caught his lies and confronted them, they turned out to be such petty things, but the fact that he lied to me about them is what caused our fight. His reason was the same as your husband: he didn't want me to get upset or get into a fight. But then he blames me for not trusting him. What I don't get is how I'm supposed to trust him if he keeps lying about such things?

Mr. Lucky, that could be a reason. He was never the really outgoing type who went on loads of dates. From what I know, he's had 2 serious relationshps where he wanted things to work but somehow they didn't.

garvis, I get what you mean. I definitely wasn't more experienced than him when it came to intimacy. But I have had more relationship experiences than him. So that could be a reason.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. After my last reply, I confronted him about his lies. We ended up getting into a huge fight because he kept saying he doesn't lie and that I should trust him. And I wouldn't back down from my point that he'd told me 3 different stories about one relationship. At the end, he finally admit he was lying...but that he only did it because he's scared of upsetting me. Turns out the girl was only an internet affair. He'd never met her. He said he doesn't like talking about his past because it makes him uncomfortable. My first thought was "what? that's it? That's what he was hiding?" But later, I started thinking about all the lies he'd told me to cover it up, although he had no reasons to. I mean it was such a petty little thing.

Anyway, after a whole day of no communication, I got thinking and realized not everyone is open about every aspect of their lives. Just because I'm open about my past doesn't mean he has to, as well. I actually told myself to avoid talking about our past completely. We're back to normal now, but I still have to talk to him one more time to tell him that I trust him completely, and that I know he's faithful to me, but he has no reason to lie to me about anything. He shouldn't because if there's anything that will upset me, it'll be the fact that he lied to cover up something.
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