"Flirting with Disaster"

[Guest-who]

Preceded by a "You're" and those were his/her exact words.

 

I've been down this path before, so has my spouse. My spouse and I have been successfully reconciling our marriage after both of us were unfaithful. I've been the primary reader of relationship books, got us into counseling and have been attentive to my spouse's needs.

 

Now, along comes new Other Person who's messing with my head and touching all the right buttons (figuratively, not literally). I don't want to act and am choosing not to, but it ain't easy.

 

I want to talk to my spouse about this, but I'm having difficulty finding the way. I know it's all infatuation, but this Other Person does an excellent job at speaking my love language(s).

 

I guess I'm looking for support to keep me away from new Other Person and advice on how to better make my spouse understand and choose to fulfill my needs.

 

thanks-

[whichwayisup]

You MUST get the other person OUT of your life. He brings NO good - He's a bloody cancer to you, your marriage and everything that you've worked hard to keep.

 

Hate to say it, but maybe this will snap you out of it. What you have to lose is ALOT, so please consider wtf you're doing. And why! Why can't you find it in yourself to fight the OM off? Even if he is flirty and makes you feel good? What is it about you that needs extra attention and why you can't control your emotions? (Meaning NOT letting yourself fall for someone else again.)

 

TELL your spouse what is going on and fix things. If you don't, you can kiss life as you know it goodbye..

 

BE STRONG!

[Kinger25]

I do to some point agree with WWIU but at the end of the day, like you said, you have both been unfaithful in the past and you are now the primary reader in the relationship books and in pursuading your H to go to marriage counselling etc.

 

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to make things work they are not always meant to be. Perhaps your H and your marriage / relationship has genuinly run its course. Maybe you two are just not compatible any more. If you are still finding yourself being drawn to the charms of another man then its likely that this kind of scenario will continue for you as time goes on.

 

I am not in any way condoning or encouraging you to be unfaithful to your H again, in fact that is the last thing that I hope you would do. But I do think you need to be honest with your H and maybe call it a day as far as your marriage goes. Think about what you want out of life and choose your destiny with care.

 

Good Luck

[Guest]

I guess I'm looking for support to keep me away from new Other Person

 

Just do it. Understand that it's an addiction, likely to cause you nothing but grief, and generally a Very Bad Idea. Then refuse to see him. Period.

 

As for your spouse, check out marriagebuilders and try their strategies.

[Trimmer]

Now, along comes new Other Person who's messing with my head and touching all the right buttons.... I know it's all infatuation, but this Other Person does an excellent job at speaking my love language(s).

 

I guess I'm looking for support to keep me away from new Other Person and advice on how to better make my spouse understand and choose to fulfill my needs.

 

It sounds to me like you are generally placing the responsibility for this situation, and extracting yourself from it, outside of yourself. The "other person" is touching all the right buttons, doing an excellent job speaking your love language. You want support to keep you away, and you think you need to make your spouse understand to fulfill your needs (with the implication that if he/she doesn't, we know what is likely to happen, right?)

 

Continuing to repair your marriage and getting you and your spouse to fulfill each others' needs is important work that both of you need to be involved in, but preventing you from being tempted outside your marriage is COMPLETELY your responsibility. Please don't mix the two up. Support may be helpful, but it won't keep you away - you need to make a decision and a commitment to do that, and especially having been through this before, you should see the importance of that.

 

If you are still finding yourself being drawn to the charms of another man then its likely that this kind of scenario will continue for you as time goes on.

 

Why can't you find it in yourself to fight the OM off? Even if he is flirty and makes you feel good? What is it about you that needs extra attention and why you can't control your emotions?

 

I agree with both of these statements, and I combine them in saying, if you can't find it within yourself to resist the temptation of the Other Person, then its likely that this kind of scenario will continue for you. Nothing outside of you is enough to "keep you" from straying, if you can't find the strength and commitment to do it within yourself.

 

Incidentally, it's also interesting that Kinger and WWIU both assumed you were a woman (referring to "another man" and "the OM", etc...) At first I was going to take you to task as to why you were so careful not to reveal your gender or that of your spouse or Other Person, but in the end, my answer is the same whether you are a man or a woman. Equal opportunity tough love...

[Guest-who]

It sounds to me like you are generally placing the responsibility for this situation, and extracting yourself from it, outside of yourself. The "other person" is touching all the right buttons, doing an excellent job speaking your love language. You want support to keep you away, and you think you need to make your spouse understand to fulfill your needs (with the implication that if he/she doesn't, we know what is likely to happen, right?)

 

Continuing to repair your marriage and getting you and your spouse to fulfill each others' needs is important work that both of you need to be involved in, but preventing you from being tempted outside your marriage is COMPLETELY your responsibility. Please don't mix the two up. Support may be helpful, but it won't keep you away - you need to make a decision and a commitment to do that, and especially having been through this before, you should see the importance of that.

 

...Incidentally, it's also interesting that Kinger and WWIU both assumed you were a woman (referring to "another man" and "the OM", etc...) At first I was going to take you to task as to why you were so careful not to reveal your gender or that of your spouse or Other Person, but in the end, my answer is the same whether you are a man or a woman. Equal opportunity tough love...

 

 

Thanks to all. My head's much clearer this morning. I know I have control in this situation; at least control of my actions.

 

How is it that another person can fulfill needs without even trying, but my SO declines to choose even with a list? This is where my frustration mounts. My spouse has made efforts, but is passive and avoids discussions if the topic is in any way uncomfortable. And, I don't like to have the same conversation over and over and over.

 

Why were you going to take me to task? I didn't reveal my gender intentionally. I didn't think it mattered, was interested in seeing how replies varied and didn't want a certain someone to know I was here.

[Guest]

Continuing to repair your marriage and getting you and your spouse to fulfill each others' needs is important work that both of you need to be involved in, but preventing you from being tempted outside your marriage is COMPLETELY your responsibility. Please don't mix the two up. Support may be helpful, but it won't keep you away - you need to make a decision and a commitment to do that, and especially having been through this before, you should see the importance of that

 

Two weeks since I posted. Two more weeks that my spouse dodged and danced around having any relationship conversation. Eight weeks ago I got a very non-threatening book about intimacy and read it in a couple of days. Requested my partner read it also and set aside some time to discuss. Eight weeks and I'm the only one to touch the book. Sorry, but this breeds resentment. Doesn't have time to read a book, but can sit in front of bs on the tv for hours.

 

Trimmer, you mentioned getting your spouse to fulfill needs in important work. That's just it; I can't get my spouse to do anything. It is my spouse's choice to play or not. Allowing another two months to pass seems to me they are choosing not to play, again.

 

As far as new Other Person; I've done well to avoid the last few weeks. Went to see a friend's band over the weekend and this person found me. I was with some other friends so this "inappropriate want" kept a distance, but there is no doubt there is some electricity there.

 

I have an awesome holiday planned for my spouse and I am concentrating my energy on our relationship. I know the other is an easy answer for what I am missing, but I also see the train wreak down the tracks if I hop aboard.

[Trimmer]

Why were you going to take me to task? I didn't reveal my gender intentionally. I didn't think it mattered, was interested in seeing how replies varied and didn't want a certain someone to know I was here.

Actually, I quite agree.... I was just coming off involvement in another thread which has its roots in how men do this and that and men suck, etc... and the whole context of that thread is very much gender specific. Your gender was an initial curiosity on my part ("take you to task" was probably an overstatement...) but after thinking about it I came to the same conclusion you did, which is that it doesn't matter.... Thus my "Equal opportunity tough love" comment...

 

How is it that another person can fulfill needs without even trying, but my SO declines to choose even with a list?

Well, be careful here, if you are talking about the other person to whom you are attracted, realize that the feelings he/she is triggering are short term 'flashbulb' brain chemical, attractiveness, sexiness kind of stuff, not the long term relationship and emotional support kinds of needs that you probably feel are lacking in your marriage. Your question is still valid, broken into separate parts, with the final part being germane to your marriage, but don't directly equate the feelings being tickled by this other person with the needs you would like to work on within your marriage. That's exactly the way people get into trouble with affairs: my spouse doesn't meet my needs and this other person came along and started meeting them. In the end, you realize that they weren't the same after all.

 

Two weeks since I posted. Two more weeks that my spouse dodged and danced around having any relationship conversation. Eight weeks ago I got a very non-threatening book about intimacy and read it in a couple of days. Requested my partner read it also and set aside some time to discuss. Eight weeks and I'm the only one to touch the book. Sorry, but this breeds resentment. Doesn't have time to read a book, but can sit in front of bs on the tv for hours.

 

Trimmer, you mentioned getting your spouse to fulfill needs in important work. That's just it; I can't get my spouse to do anything. It is my spouse's choice to play or not. Allowing another two months to pass seems to me they are choosing not to play, again.

OK, well, at least in my opinion, you are focusing on what is probably the real issue - your marriage and the problems within it - instead of thinking that the solution is outside. I can respect that, even as, unfortunately, I don't have a lot of good advice to give you. Maybe some others will chime in here.

 

As far as new Other Person; I've done well to avoid the last few weeks. Went to see a friend's band over the weekend and this person found me. I was with some other friends so this "inappropriate want" kept a distance, but there is no doubt there is some electricity there.

 

I have an awesome holiday planned for my spouse and I am concentrating my energy on our relationship. I know the other is an easy answer for what I am missing, but I also see the train wreak down the tracks if I hop aboard.

Good - it sounds like at least you are thinking somewhat straight. Your issue is your marriage, and your energy should be directed there unless and until you decide to break it off, if it comes to that. In fact, the other person is not any kind of an "answer" (easy or otherwise) to what you are missing, as I mention above. This person is tickling a whole different thing within you than the issues that need to be solved within your marriage. And you are right, this other person is indeed a train wreck waiting to happen; draw some strength and resolve from that.

 

If the day comes to move on, you should do so only after finishing the business of your marriage in an honorable way. Hooking up with someone else is not any part of a solution.

 

(Incidentally, does the other person know you are married? And is he/she making any overt gestures to you, or are you just unilaterally attracted? If he/she is "courting" you, and knows you are married, that doesn't speak well in a character sense. On the other hand, if he/she doesn't know you are married, then you can and should take out a quick insurance policy by making that clear...)

 

Now, on to your marriage: has your spouse shown any understanding or acknowledgement of your concerns? On one hand, you mentioned your spouse has "made efforts" but you seem to feel that you are trying hard, and he/she is only putting minimal effort in.... What kind of efforts? Was it lip-service that didn't take effect in the long run, or what?

 

Does he/she know just how strongly you feel about this?

 

You mentioned counseling, are you still doing it, and are you doing it together? Has this come up at all in that environment?

[Guest-who]

(Incidentally, does the other person know you are married? And is he/she making any overt gestures to you, or are you just unilaterally attracted? If he/she is "courting" you, and knows you are married, that doesn't speak well in a character sense. On the other hand, if he/she doesn't know you are married, then you can and should take out a quick insurance policy by making that clear...)

 

Yes, this other person knows I am married; they're single. There has been a mutual attraction for a little over a year; more overt gestures in recent months. This is why I refered to them as an "inappropriate want".

 

Now, on to your marriage: has your spouse shown any understanding or acknowledgement of your concerns? On one hand, you mentioned your spouse has "made efforts" but you seem to feel that you are trying hard, and he/she is only putting minimal effort in.... What kind of efforts? Was it lip-service that didn't take effect in the long run, or what?

 

Does he/she know just how strongly you feel about this?

 

You mentioned counseling, are you still doing it, and are you doing it together? Has this come up at all in that environment?

 

As you stated, I also believe I have been focusing on what is the real issue - my marriage and the problems within it - instead of thinking that the solution is outside. I know this other person is not a solution; perhaps more of a temporary cure.

 

My spouse has shown an acknowledgement of my concerns, but still doesn't seem to really understand. Take the recent issue with this book I would like us to discuss. My spouse agreed to read it two months ago; hasn't happened and I've asked again more than once (and not in a badgering way). Other efforts might be for a few days, maybe a week and then behavior trends back to the status quo.

 

My spouse definitely knows how strongly I feel about this and my concerns have been brought up in counseling before. Neither of us are still in counseling; my spouse stopped going months ago. I continued on my own for a short while. I'm considering a session now to help me deal with the resentment I'm starting to build again as well as to discuss this new other person.

 

thanks