StarkReality Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 I'm not exactly sure why I'm posting this, I'm fairly certain what the responses if I get any will be. For whatever reason though, here I am. I am 22, and she is 24. We are both from England, but she currently lives in Switzerland. About 6 months ago, I met someone playing a game online. It was a casual game, no voice chat, and I had no idea that she was a she. I just assume everyone is a guy in games. But we did well together, added as friends, played together for a few weeks, chatted a lot in game but he kept declining my requests to join discord. Eventually 'he' joins discord and I was surprised to discover he was a she. She explains she'd rather people think she's a he till she's confident they aren't totally retarded because she's had too many bad experiences with guys online. Fair enough, I've seen and heard enough abuse online to get that. Fast forward a few months and we're chatting on discord and on skype almost everyday. Usually just text or voice, but enough video chats when she was excited about some decorating or something she'd made and wanted to show me, so I knew that she is who she says she is. Nothing romantic or sexual up to then, just a bit of flirting every now and then. I realised that I was developing feelings that went beyond a friend you met playing games, and I guess started to act weird. She asked what was up and eventually told her. And then came the reality check. She tells me that she is very fond of me and enjoys talking to me, but it can't go any further than that, and she is never going to go beyond friends with someone she hasn't met in person. I tell her I'd like to meet her and see how it goes. She tells me if I'm going to be in her city for a different reason, she'd meet me for coffee or lunch, but refuses to if the sole purpose of the trip is to meet her. I try to argue and very stupidly tell her that I love her and I don't care about the cost, and she flat out says 'if you can't accept we are just friends, and will never be more than that, then block me' and then goes offline. That was a few days ago and there's been no communication since. I know, I'm an idiot. I have fallen for someone I've never met in person, who has made it clear they don't feel the same and don't want to meet me. But I don't know what to do with these feelings. I feel more for her than I did with my ex-gf, who at the time I thought it was impossible to love anything more than I did. All I can think about is if we just met, I'd know for sure and be happy or be able to move on. I feel like I'm on the border of obsessive/crazy. How on earth do I get rid of these feelings? I hate myself so much right now. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 You are not an idiot & you shouldn't hate yourself. You do have to accept the reality that she has very sensible rules in place about OL relationships. You don't actually know who she is. You know who you have built her up in your mind to be. You certainly don't love her; you haven't even met her. I think her rule about not letting you come there just to meet her is a bit rigid but she may have her reasons for it. Do you have any reasons to be in her city or near her? Have you ever so much as wanted to go on a vacation there? If so make the arrangements once you see her come back on line. Continue talking to her & playing the game again as normal. Then after a few days tell her you will be in her city & ask her to meet you for lunch. Do not mention loving her. Do not tell her you are being obsessive. Just have lunch. Pretend lunch is a normal date. Don't put all this unnecessary pressure on yourself. Go. Be chill. See how things are & go from there. Before you do all that though what is your game plan? Do you expect she would return to England? What do you base that on? Are you willing to move to Switzerland? If there is no way to close the gap, don't even start down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow12 Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 You can continue to having a friendship thing online but don't put all your eggs in one basket. She may be the only girl who is perfect in your imagination but not in real life. If you really want to meet this girl don't expect anything, don't expect her to change her mind about you because you can't predict. Talk for a couple of weeks and then arrange a meeting in her city by letting her know. Keep it relaxed and make sure she knows that you are only meeting her as a friend but if after the meet up she still feels like she just wants to be mates with you then...hey atleast you gave it your best shot. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Are you a bit lonely in your offline life, OP? You are projecting a lot here, considering you've never met the girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Foxhall Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 perhaps go with dalmatians advice, I would not bring up going to Switzerland for a couple of months though, you could then spring it casually on her again in say September, by the way I am planning a trip in your direction ........... in the meantime reduce your online time, get out meeting people and joining activities in your area, building new friendships, it may take a little bit of time but best not to get too hung up on any one person and best to develop connections in real life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 You may still be able to meet her. I thought I wouldn't meet girls long distance and I did several times. I thought it was over just to get a message that all was good and to meet. Still look at reality as is. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I agree with waiting many months before going to visit anywhere near her. And if I were going to try to meet up with her, I would plan a trip that involves stopping in multiple places that you legitimately think it would be cool to go to, perhaps that you can take a train that goes near where she lives. At most a week or two beforehand, tell her that you are taking a journey to <place that is further in the trip than where she lives> and ask if she wants to meet for lunch when you are passing through. Be prepared for her to say no. Be prepared that on the off chance she says yes, she might switch it to a no when you get there. Be prepared that if she does meet with you, that she will not want it to be romantic whatsoever. And if anything other than your end goal of a romance with her ends up happening, suck it up, don't be creepy or resistant, and keep going on your damn trip. See the world and have a good time. She already said you will never be more than friends and you are far more likely to find love on another part of your journey. If you approach it maturely, the worst thing that happens is that you have a cool journey through Europe. If a romance does bloom, don't change plans to try to stay. Be a boss about it and keep moving and then make plans to visit again on your way back, leaving the possibility for your plans to be adjusted so you can spend more time with her the second time around. Link to post Share on other sites
Capris Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 She said no. I know it can be hard to accept, but she said no. Do not go to Switzerland. She told you not to. She told you it will never happen. Why can't you respect her? Put yourself in her shoes, would you like for someone to make such a big trip just for you even when you don't have any romantic feelings for them and you've told them not to come? As for your feelings, yeah it happens and yes it sucks when the other person doesn't feel the same way. You're lucky she's being clear about her intentions. As others said, you're in love with a creation of your imagination, that's why you think she's even better than your ex, you made her that way. Sure, you know her a bit, but distance makes you fill in the gaps with behaviors and characteristics you want to see. I'd take a step back from her until my feelings subsided. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 She said no. I'd take a step back from her until my feelings subsided. Best of luck. I much more agree with this Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 Just because you developed feelings for her doesn't make you an idiot. We all fall hard for people that we can't have, or people that just don't feel the same way. You didn't meet her, though. You spoke to her online and just liked who she was because it was more than appealing to you because you thought there may have been a spark, but there wasn't. Just don't beat yourself up over it. We've all done that once or twice. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 You're not an idiot, but I totally agree with Enigma's advice because it's super easy to idealize someone you've never met and assume they possess characteristics that are your ideal -- but that ideal doesn't exist. She has no interest in pursuing this, and you need to just drop the whole thing and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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