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LDR - is this really right?


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 4th March 2019, 7:03 AM   #1
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Unhappy LDR - is this really right?

Hi all,

New to the forum, here's a backstory.

Back when I was 15 (I'm 33 now) I used to date a girl from school - we were very much in love at the time (as much as you can be at this age). She eventually ended up dumping me then because I chose my friends to be with over new years than at her parents new years eve party (who wouldn't at that age)

Anyway, fast forward to today. I'm successful, I live abroad and have a very relaxed life. She messaged me on social media around 2 and a half years ago and we've been talking ever since. It's worth noting that we've only met twice in this time (due to work and the fact she has two kids - trying to get flights etc has just been a mess)

She came over recently in February and all seems well. We're officially meant to be together with a view to me moving back this year to be with her (I'm thinking I might get a house first to rent before actually moving in with her to make sure everything works - is this odd?)

Anyway, I was down the pub recently with a friend and he said - exact words - "Mate, how do you know it's worth giving up all this to go back. You don't really know what she's like now or what the situation is there and you're going to give up everything to be there"

... he had a point, he then proceeded to ask me something that I'd now learn to regret - he said "do you want me to text her claiming she gave me her number on a night out drunk and we'll see what she's really like"

Now, this sounds childish, I know, but I agreed. Predominantly because he was right, I needed to really know if she's 100% in this.

So he texts her and she claims she's single and he even got as far as talking about a date and she's agreed.

This has sent me on such a confused whirlwind that I'm not quite sure what to make of. Like, why would she go through all this trouble of offering me to move back to live with her and the kids? Why did she want to be bf and gf if she's still weighing her options?

I don't want to tell her that I've got my friend to text because honestly I feel stupid.

Where does this leave me though? Now I can't really focus on anything and future plans just seem to be disappearing after this.

What should I do? Should I continue as this never happened and see what happens? It's funny, because since speaking to this 'guy' that my friend concocted for me, she's been a little more distant from me.

Am I just wasting my time? Should I just move on? What actions would you take from here? Would you tell her what you've done to catch her?

So many questions.

Any help would be massively appreciated.

Darcey

Last edited by Darcey; 4th March 2019 at 7:06 AM..
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Old 4th March 2019, 7:36 AM   #2
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Testing somebody is bad. However, the idea that she believes that it's possible that she gave her number out to somebody she doesn't remember means this is a thing in her life. That is not good.

IMO it would be odd to move back & straight into living with her. It's better that you have your own place & you two date conventionally for a while before committing to cohabitation. You really don't know her kids so you need time to warm up to each other.
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Old 4th March 2019, 7:44 AM   #3
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You tested her and she failed. The fact that it’s a possibility that she believes she was drunk and gave out her number is very concerning. If I were in your position, I’d end the relationship and absolutely would not move. She also seems to have doubts about you or she wouldn’t have agreed to dating someone else. A person who was dedicated to continuing with you would responded very differently to that text. I think your friend is right. You don’t know her and uprooting your life is a huge risk. It would probably be a big mistake.
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:20 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Testing somebody is bad. However, the idea that she believes that it's possible that she gave her number out to somebody she doesn't remember means this is a thing in her life. That is not good.

IMO it would be odd to move back & straight into living with her. It's better that you have your own place & you two date conventionally for a while before committing to cohabitation. You really don't know her kids so you need time to warm up to each other.
Thanks for your reply. It's so so strange. I've asked her today if she has ZERO doubts in her mind at all and she seems absolutely godspeed that she's all for it. I literally don't know whether or not to even bring it up.

Regarding the kids, I did meet them, they've come over with her and we absolutely clicked.

I don't know what the hell to do.

Shall I just go over for a week and see how things are? Should I tell her about the texts?

J
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:23 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
You tested her and she failed. The fact that itís a possibility that she believes she was drunk and gave out her number is very concerning. If I were in your position, Iíd end the relationship and absolutely would not move. She also seems to have doubts about you or she wouldnít have agreed to dating someone else. A person who was dedicated to continuing with you would responded very differently to that text. I think your friend is right. You donít know her and uprooting your life is a huge risk. It would probably be a big mistake.
That's what I mean, if we're talking literal terms, she has indeed failed. In her defence though, the whole 'how my friend got her number' she was very, very intrigued about. She said she doesn't remember and normally doesn't give her number out at all.

The doubt thing is what I fear most. I mean, if I agreed to a date now, that's me looking at options. Surely, she can't be sick enough to uproot me from here just to break up.

I mean, I've given her an easy way out and she hasn't taken it. It really seems like she just wants her cake and she wants to eat it too.

J
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Old 4th March 2019, 9:56 AM   #6
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A question that may seem insignificant, but I'll ask it anyway:

I assume your friend lives in the country where you live now. I am wagering that he thus messaged her from a number that would have shown up as a foreign number when she received the message, and I also imagine she'd have recognized the country code since she has your number too.

Did she not think it was odd that some foreign dude is trying to set up a date with her? I also think it's strange that your friend even proposed this idea. Had he met her when she was visiting you?

In any event, I think your friend is right to not make plans to give everything up for her. Even if she hadn't taken the fake-date bait, you two have not really dated in person in ages and don't know how it will go when you're back in the same area. Making plans to move in directly with her would be unwise, fake-date or not.
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Old 4th March 2019, 11:03 AM   #7
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You aren't even dating this woman...how can you 'test' her and/or already have plans to move in with her and her family?

Do you even want to live in the country where she is? Can you just up and move there or do you have to go through some sort of immigration process in order to do so?

It sounds as though you and she enjoy an online/text/fantasy romance where you can sometimes fly to see and visit with one another but haven't made any solid, logical plans to turning it into anything more than that.
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Old 4th March 2019, 11:31 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Darcey View Post
I don't know what the hell to do.
What part of, "she claims she's single and he even got as far as talking about a date and she's agreed" do you refuse to accept?

Everyone's pointing out how she's handing out her number when drunk but no one's pointing out how she told your friend she's SINGLE when she's not, and how she's agreed to a future DATE with him.

I wouldn't move across the street for this woman, much less give up my successful and happy life to move to another country for this liar.

Remember this if you remember nothing else. When someone SHOWS you who they are, you need to believe them.
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Old 4th March 2019, 11:34 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
You tested her and she failed. The fact that itís a possibility that she believes she was drunk and gave out her number is very concerning. If I were in your position, Iíd end the relationship and absolutely would not move. She also seems to have doubts about you or she wouldnít have agreed to dating someone else. A person who was dedicated to continuing with you would responded very differently to that text. I think your friend is right. You donít know her and uprooting your life is a huge risk. It would probably be a big mistake.
Would you tell her about the text?
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Old 4th March 2019, 12:05 PM   #10
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Would you tell her about the text?
No. Iíd just tell her that youíve had a change of heart. Or tell her that you feel itís too risky to move given how little the two of you know each other.
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Old 5th March 2019, 11:03 PM   #11
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Red Flag

Arguably you were wrong to prank test her with your friend, however, her response is of great concern....a big red flag concern.
If I've understood correctly you have both committed to a relationship with each other and she has accepted a date with another man. That is just not on I'm afraid.
The only thing I can say in her defence is that saying you will go on a date is one thing (flirtatious) but actually going on a date with someone is something else. Possibly she was just playing along with no real intention of actually going on a date. I guess the only way to find out is for your friend to call again and try to make firm plans to date....if she accepts then I would say drop the idea of living together immediately and possibly consider dating her for a few months and see how the relationship develops from there.
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Old 6th March 2019, 8:08 AM   #12
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Shall I just go over for a week and see how things are? Should I tell her about the texts?

Yes to both but in reverse order. Tell her about your little test & that you think she failed. That alone may get you uninvited.

Then go over for a week to see what's what. Do not move back until you have secured employment & a place to live that is not moving in with her.
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Old 8th March 2019, 4:07 AM   #13
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Apart from the rest , where's the father and is he in their life ?
And l'm amazed but yet not surprised that she's even thinking of you moving in straight away.
She has two kids , technically you don't even know each other really you shouldn;t even be around her kids yet let alone moving in with them.
That's suppose to be at 12 mths min' and only then if you are cert this is going to work out or they live through another man disappearing from their family.
So just have a good think about that stuff too.
Why not just visit her a few times before you even bother renting a place there, or have you already spent some time over there but if not spend some time over there first, few days a time, get to know her in her world a bit first before anything else.
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Old 8th March 2019, 6:46 PM   #14
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Whats the back story on her? Im initially thinking she had a husband/boyfriend, with 2 kids. He dumped her, and now she's looking for a replacement to help raise her kids...hey, how bout the old boyfriend from high school, wonder what he's doing. And there ya go. She slides you right in that spot.

I dont know. Sounds like any warm body will do for her.
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Old 11th March 2019, 11:26 PM   #15
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* As far as LDRs goes, until you "seal the deal" it's all fair game, that's one of the risks involved with meeting people on the internet who don't live in the general vicinity (I know you met her in school)

* Instead of buying anything, you should visit her more, get an Air B&B, you don't want to change your life around without a solid foundation first

* If you love this woman, you owe it to yourself to know everything there is to know before writing her off
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