LDR boyfriend's parents showed up to our special vacation and it ruined us

[babybrowns]

My boyfriend and I have been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years. We see each other one weekend a month by taking a flight. Time together is naturally precious, and we were really looking forward to a 2-week summer vacation that we had planned which just finished last week. We did a 2-week vacation last summer that went really well and brought us closer, however this one went badly and pushed us completely apart.

 

His parents decided to come on vacation to the same country, the same town and even the hotel next to our hotel for their own vacation at the same time as us. We knew that they would be in the same town when we were booking our trip but we didn't know we would be in the next hotel until the day we set off for the vacation. It wasn't planned, they didn't know where exactly we were staying either until then. However I was the only one who didn't find this "very exciting".

 

I have nothing against his parents but having only met them a few times before, I was not yet at the stage where I felt completely comfortable around them, and I came on this vacation to spend some time with my partner and relax. My partner however did not seem to understand this and thought I ought to be "happy and excited" to have this opportunity to get to know his parents more.

 

My partner and I had a chat about it at the beginning of our trip. He expressed his wish for us to see his parents a "few times", I requested that it could be just "one evening" since I was looking forward to spending some quality time with him alone. I expressed my concerns that this would turn into a family vacation. He dismissed these concerns. He said sure, we could just do one evening altogether: this was more than what I wanted and less than what he wanted so a good compromise. But this wasn't to be.

 

When we met with his parents for dinner, my partner got carried away and suggested we do "another one" and it just went downhill from there. It encouraged his folks and led them to believe that we were fine with making this into a family vacation. I was naturally my nice and polite self to them all the time, they had no idea how I was feeling about all this inside. But he knew.

 

When we were not meeting his parents, we were bumping into them on the street. Every time we bumped into them, they asked when we were next all getting together. This ruined the rest of our evening alone as we argued about it. When we were out sightseeing together, his mother kept texting my partner asking what our plans were and what we were up to. My partner said his mother was so excited about us all being on vacation in the same place together and that I should be too. He even left a dinner with me early so that he could go see his father to watch the game afterwards, I had wanted to watch it with him so he compromised by watching half with me at the restaurant (they were showing it on a TV) and then half with his dad in their hotel. I knew his dad had really wanted to watch it with his son though so I encouraged him that it was fine for him to go.

 

Initial arguments between my partner and I became heated arguments as the days went by and it became apparent that he did not care/understand my feelings. He said that no other girl would be "so unhappy" to have his parents around and that he thought I "didn't actually like them like I said I did". He just would not get it. It was not that I don't like them, it was just that I came on this vacation to have some time alone with my long-distance boyfriend. It was a very horrible experience for me and for my partner due to all the arguing, and it drove us completely apart.

 

Has anyone else ever experienced something like this? The whole thing has just depressed me and it has become clear to me that I should just end this relationship.

Edited July 16, 2018 by babybrowns

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Your boyfriend is 100% right in my opinion. After 2 years of dating you should be more willing to get to know his parents. You weren't in the same hotel room, or even the same hotel. I think you need to grow up.

[d0nnivain]

While it's odd, it was one of those make lemons into lemonade situations but you chose to only see the sour side.

 

Your guy could have been better about listening to your wishes but you also needed to listen to his. He was probably OK with all the family time because he wanted to see how you fit in because he was thinking about taking your relationship to the next level.

 

Because you two are clearly not on the same page & you feel so resentful over the intrusion, splitting might be the best thing.

[darkmoon]

"Initial arguments between my partner and I became heated arguments"

 

 

whoever turned the heat up first has a red flag imho, conversations will be better than heated arguments

[stillafool]

This wouldn't have bothered me one bit. If my bf and I normally spend vacations together and this was an opportunity to hang out with his parents it would be just fine with me. After all, they weren't go to be with you guys at night in your hotel room. He's definitely viewing you differently now.

[babybrowns]

Thank you guys for your responses so far. I appreciate that I could have been a little more accomodating to his wishes to spend the vacation both with me and his parents but the issue here is that this is our one chance a year to spend proper quality time together. To get to know each other and grow as a long-distance couple. That is why I was, and am, so upset at the intrusion.

 

I would happily have gone on a separate family vacation with them another time since we were really getting on well. But it interfered with our precious couple's vacation so I didn't enjoy it one bit.

Edited July 16, 2018 by babybrowns

[stillafool]

You've been knowing him for 2 years and only see him once a year?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you guys for your responses so far. I appreciate that I could have been a little more accomodating to his wishes to spend the vacation both with me and his parents but the issue here is that this is our one chance a year to spend proper quality time together. To get to know each other and grow as a long-distance couple. That is why I was, and am, so upset at the intrusion.

 

I would happily have gone on a separate family vacation with them another time since we were really getting on well. But it interfered with our precious couple's vacation so I didn't enjoy it one bit.

 

You still had plenty of time over a 2-week vacation to do this, regardless of whether or not a few dinners were spent with his parents. You are making excuses, and have shown your true colors (that you are high maintenance) to your boyfriend and his parents.

[BaileyB]

I disagree with the other posters.

 

I would not have been very happy either. I would have no problem going out for a few dinners and getting to know his family, but any more than this and it changes the dynamic of the vacation. The bigger issue for me would have been your partner's lack of consideration for your feelings - which is typical of him, if you look back on previous posts.

 

Again, I'm not sure why you stay in this relationship. It sounds like a lot of work and it is not often that you are happy.

[Els]

I disagree with the other posters as well. In a normal situation I would say that you are being unreasonable, but in a LDR, time together is incredibly precious and limited. When the SO and I were long distance, we absolutely did focus on each other during our short periods together. Neither of us would have wanted to spend the majority of that time with other people, even if those "other people" were family.

 

Do his parents live in a different country from him as well? If they did, I suppose it would be understandable that he would need to divide his (and your) time. But if they live in the same country as him, it boggles my mind that he would want to spend time watching the game with his father when he could see his father any other time while the clock on his visit with you is ticking down.

[bathtub-row]

I think you should’ve been way more understanding about this. The other side of this coin is why are the two of you prolonging this LDR situation? There comes a point when a decision needs to be made about being together or ending it. At the rate you’re going, it seems more likely that it’ll end.

[babybrowns]

I disagree with the other posters as well. In a normal situation I would say that you are being unreasonable, but in a LDR, time together is incredibly precious and limited. When the SO and I were long distance, we absolutely did focus on each other during our short periods together. Neither of us would have wanted to spend the majority of that time with other people, even if those "other people" were family.

 

Do his parents live in a different country from him as well? If they did, I suppose it would be understandable that he would need to divide his (and your) time. But if they live in the same country as him, it boggles my mind that he would want to spend time watching the game with his father when he could see his father any other time while the clock on his visit with you is ticking down.

 

Thank you for this. His parents live near him back home and he sees them almost every weekend. Otherwise I would definitely have understood if he wanted to spend his vacation with both of us. I am also a very family-oriented girl who likes to spend a lot of time with her parents.

 

It seems that it was only me who valued this as a couple’s vacation, my partner just didn’t see it in that way. I went into it thinking that it would be a romantic trip for the two of us, it was the mindset I went with and it was a horrible realisation of the reality.

 

If I had gone into it with the mindset of it being a family vacation, this conflict wouldn’t have gone on between expectation/reality and I would have enjoyed myself more. I had no idea it would be a family vacation, neither did he (I think) but he welcomed the prospect when he was faced with it.

Edited July 16, 2018 by babybrowns

[LivingWaterPlease]

My situation is similar in some ways, I guess. But not all. Years ago I had been dating a guy I really liked for a few months. After a particularly stressful situation we decided to take our kids (his two, my two) to the beach to unwind.

 

When we got to the condo we had split the payment for and were settling in there was a knock on the door. When I answered it there stood his parents with their suitcases in hand! I'd met them before, but I'd had no idea they were joining us on the vacation! My new guy admitted he had invited them. I quickly put my feelings of surprise and resentment about it aside and we all had a good time.

 

That said, the new guy turned out to be a selfish jerk for our entire relationship. I can hardly believe I didn't dump him right after the "be with the parents" vacation! I would so have been better off to do so! I guess he was wonderful enough when he wasn't pulling his antics that I kept him on for awhile. But I would never put up with someone like him again.

 

Not sure this even relates to your experience but when I read your post I thought of my own experience. I would have loved to have had new guys' parents staying in a different hotel, though!

[babybrowns]

I quickly put my feelings of surprise and resentment about it aside and we all had a good time.

 

I would have loved to have had new guys' parents staying in a different hotel, though!

 

Thank you for sharing this, it makes me feel a little better knowing that I’m not alone in this. I do wish that like you, I had put my feelings of disappointment aside and we could all have a good time. It would have saved a lot of arguments and negativity which are what clouded the trip. But I just couldn’t keep in my disappointment about this.

 

And it was actually just like we were in the same hotel- some of the instances of us bumping into his parents were while walking on the route leading to our hotel. Awkward one day when we had been arguing about the issue before heading out, were then walking out of the hotel and had his dad calling out to us from the rooftop of their hotel asking when we were joining them. Talk about invading privacy!

[d0nnivain]

But it wasn't your only time to spend time together. You said in your initial post that you & your guy spend at least 1 weekend per month together. Although it does involving flying, that is more time then many LDR couples get.

 

Disappointed I understand but you said you were going to break up with him over this. That sounds extreme to me.

[kendahke]

Yeah, this wasn't the way to go about handling this.

 

I wouldn't have made his parents the hill I died on because I was going to be dying on that hill if I did follow through on my ire.

 

You can't take back how you handled this---that bell ain't going to unring. To him, you hate his parents. You see each other once a month, so it's not like you weren't going to be seeing him again for 6 months--which might be more than what the parents get and they've invested way more time with him than you have.

 

But yeah, by now at the 2 year mark, someone needs to be about closing that distance gap because LDR's can't continue indefinitely. At some point, you two have to be in the same location.

 

For my part, I know that if a guy I'd been involved with for two years fell out and performed like this, I'd seriously be about the business of ending things. What I'm not going to have is someone I'm in an LDR with who I see by themselves every month losing their mind over my parents.

[babybrowns]

Yeah, this wasn't the way to go about handling this.

 

I wouldn't have made his parents the hill I died on because I was going to be dying on that hill if I did follow through on my ire.

 

You can't take back how you handled this---that bell ain't going to unring. To him, you hate his parents. You see each other once a month, so it's not like you weren't going to be seeing him again for 6 months--which might be more than what the parents get and they've invested way more time with him than you have.

 

But yeah, by now at the 2 year mark, someone needs to be about closing that distance gap because LDR's can't continue indefinitely. At some point, you two have to be in the same location.

 

For my part, I know that if a guy I'd been involved with for two years fell out and performed like this, I'd seriously be about the business of ending things. What I'm not going to have is someone I'm in an LDR with who I see by themselves every month losing their mind over my parents.

 

My partner does see his parents a lot, almost every weekend. If that wasn’t the case I would have understood more. And he has taken me to see his family a few times when I’ve been up visiting him, it’s not like we get all other weekends on our own. I have enjoyed these visits and getting to know his family, but not after this.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

it was a horrible realisation of the reality.

 

 

If a 2-week VACATION where you have to endure the horror of the company of seemingly otherwise perfectly nice people is your idea of a "horrible realization of reality" you are going to really be in for it when life actually takes hold you.

 

IF ONLY this was the worst stressor in my life.....

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

And it was actually just like we were in the same hotel- some of the instances of us bumping into his parents were while walking on the route leading to our hotel.

 

So what? Did they follow you to your room?

[preraph]

There is no way that that was a coincidence that wasn't planned. He told them his plans and he let them come along on vacation. either that or he only took this vacation to this place because his parents had already made plans to go on vacation there. Maybe they even paid for his ticket. "Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world she had to walk into mine." No way.

[BaileyB]

Disappointed I understand but you said you were going to break up with him over this. That sounds extreme to me.

 

Look back at the posting history. This is perhaps the straw that broke the camels back... This guy is a very immature and selfish partner. This break-up has been coming for a long time.

[basil67]

I completely understand your disappointment at them being in the hotel next to you. I would have been upset too.

 

However, it's when things go wrong in life, it's when we get to see what a relationship is really made of. Personally, I think you could have been a lot more gracious and accommodating. And he could have been more understanding of your needs as well. It looks like both of you dug your heels in on opposing sides and refused to work together.

 

It wasn't the parent issue which broke you and drive you apart, it was your joint inability to work together and find reasonable compromise. If the issue wasn't the parents, it would have been something else.

 

Thanks to the poster who pointed out your history with this guy. You sound quite unhappy and dissatisfied in general. Perhaps it's time to use this as a catalyst to end it.

[BaileyB]

It wasn't the parent issue which broke you and drive you apart, it was your joint inability to work together and find reasonable compromise.

 

BINGO!

 

This issue has shown itself in other ways in your relationship. It will continue to affect your relationship in so many ways, should you stay together and/or ever live together.

[bathtub-row]

I say be glad he gets along with his family. How often do we read about these nutty parents who abuse and use their children, or about families that are constantly bickering? He loves his parents and enjoys being around them. That's really a good thing.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I say be glad he gets along with his family. How often do we read about these nutty parents who abuse and use their children, or about families that are constantly bickering? He loves his parents and enjoys being around them. That's really a good thing.

 

Agree. Wondering why OP feels so threatened by that.