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long distance relationship dilemma


Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

 
 
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Old 18th February 2018, 9:50 PM   #1
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long distance relationship dilemma

ive been talking to a woman from another country. we both like each other, she is beautiful and very nice.(she has proved she is real btw, video chat, fb, showed me her family, etc.) i think she is wonderful and i have a good feeling about her, and she does about me. we have been talking for a month now and already want to meet. the distance is making us both depressed. today i offered to fly her here to see me, to which she happily accepted but it will be at least another 7 months before she can do it...because of summer work, medical stuff, family obligations, etc. which i totally understand.

the problem is i dont now if i can endure this or if she can. i want to see her but this is a big wall to climb. i think i can wait tho if i have to.

ive been on the receiving end of cruelty from women too many times. i find it hard to trust them or love them. she seems like a trustworthy and honest person. but sometimes im afraid she will find someone else or do things with other guys. we are not anything official yet, it was mostly fun and learning about each other up to this point. its exciting but terrifying at the same time. she told me that would not happen. i just find it hard to believe there arent many guys barking up her tree.

i never pictured myself doing anything like this. ive had the worst luck with women. im literally swimming in attractive women here in the usa but i cant find a single one who wants me or isnt nuts. i seem to be worthless to them....but she seems to think the world of me. seems crazy to go to the ends of the earth but i guess sometimes we have to. hell when she meets me she might not even like me anymore.

i know the thing about LDR is you have to trust the other person. maybe it will just take some time. this has become very scary and depressing to me. its a long time to wait.

ugh maybe circumstances will change and she can come sooner.

do you think this will ever work out? or am i insane?
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Old 18th February 2018, 10:06 PM   #2
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Wolf, you chose to talk to a woman from another country. You went into this by choice. It can only work if one of you already has good reason to relocate within a year or two. And if you already have trust issues, the long distance will make it much worse.
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Old 19th February 2018, 12:24 PM   #3
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Wolf, you chose to talk to a woman from another country. You went into this by choice. It can only work if one of you already has good reason to relocate within a year or two. And if you already have trust issues, the long distance will make it much worse.
i guess so but we are still not committed in any way, we are not a couple so...im supposed to take her word for it. i could do that and tough out the next 7 months for her to come visit me. honestly i could not trust most women here in the usa to do something like that. no offense. im just being pragmatic.
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:14 PM   #4
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honestly i could not trust most women here in the usa to do something like that. no offense. im just being pragmatic.
To do what? Go visit someone in another country? I've done that.

I know there are men in the USA that think women from a different country will be different, and that the women here are all the same. I think while there are cultural differences in the world, there's also the phenomenon of the self fulfilling prophesy in dating. Sometimes people behave according to your expectations.

Anyway, years ago I was engaged to this man overseas, he told me he had trust issues. I had quit my job and was in the process of going to him. But he doubted me. He suspected me of cheating on him. And the way he dealt with his hurt was to go online to hook up with another woman. So that ended it.

Unless somehow you feel she's the one, you've really chosen the much more challengeing road to love.
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:18 PM   #5
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Why does she have to fly to you? Why can't you go to her? Especially if she has obligations that prevent her from coming to you for 7 months, it seems to me like the answer is that you go there. Plus as the man, it makes more sense & shows more chivalry for you to take the risk associated with going to another country 1st. IMO she's out of her mind for accepting money from a stranger to fly to his country.


But that is only the tip of the iceberg. Let's say you meet & like each other. Now what ? Who relocates & is that feasible? What do you actually know about the immigration rules for her country or bringing her to yours? How long will it take? What will it cost?


While I'm not going to insult you & call you insane, I think you failed to think things through. I also think that you are na´ve if you actually believe that she is more trustworthy solely because she is not in the USA.
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:32 PM   #6
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To do what? Go visit someone in another country? I've done that.

I know there are men in the USA that think women from a different country will be different, and that the women here are all the same. I think while there are cultural differences in the world, there's also the phenomenon of the self fulfilling prophesy in dating. Sometimes people behave according to your expectations.

Anyway, years ago I was engaged to this man overseas, he told me he had trust issues. I had quit my job and was in the process of going to him. But he doubted me. He suspected me of cheating on him. And the way he dealt with his hurt was to go online to hook up with another woman. So that ended it.

Unless somehow you feel she's the one, you've really chosen the much more challengeing road to love.
no i think she would come here given the chance, but what goes on between now and then? she could meet someone and tell me to get lost. nothing i could do. someone in another country could be doing whatever and you never know.
i really dont think my expectations have anything to do with the choices other people freely make.
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:40 PM   #7
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Why does she have to fly to you? Why can't you go to her? Especially if she has obligations that prevent her from coming to you for 7 months, it seems to me like the answer is that you go there. Plus as the man, it makes more sense & shows more chivalry for you to take the risk associated with going to another country 1st. IMO she's out of her mind for accepting money from a stranger to fly to his country.


But that is only the tip of the iceberg. Let's say you meet & like each other. Now what ? Who relocates & is that feasible? What do you actually know about the immigration rules for her country or bringing her to yours? How long will it take? What will it cost?


While I'm not going to insult you & call you insane, I think you failed to think things through. I also think that you are na´ve if you actually believe that she is more trustworthy solely because she is not in the USA.
yeah i could go there, but she is staying with parents for awhile, none of her family speaks english. i think it would be really awkward to do right now. its kind of a tough situation for her right now, but if it gets better i could go there.

i think it would be more feasible for her to come here. usa is a better country and we have more opportunity here than her country does. thats a long process tho. but if shes the one it would be worth it to me.

thats the thing, im not naive. after the things ive seen i dont trust much of anyone. and because shes from another country doesnt mean she is trustworthy. thats what makes it scarey for me. but it comes down to the individual i guess.
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Old 19th February 2018, 1:46 PM   #8
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I think you need to book a trip there & get a hotel. Go there. Meet her. See if it's at all viable to pursue a relationship with her. Waiting around for 7 months to meet sounds like a colossal waste of time to me. Meet then reassess the situation.


Under no circumstances should you expect intimacy on the trip where you 1st meet. To expect to stay in her family home is awfully pushy on your part. For you to expect that she would stay in the home of a strange man she met on the internet is crazy. Yes, it does happen but the safety factors are off the charts.


If she speaks enough English, she can act as a translator. in the mean time you can learn a few phrases like hello, please & thank you in her native language as sign of respect for her culture & family.


I'm not saying you need to move there but even if you marry her, she's gonna want to go home once in a while, so you would be well served to learn how to speak her language. To just expect her to be the one to relocate & abandon her family is not a great foundation. I'm also highly suspicious of foreign marriages because seriously how do you know the person doesn't just want a green card?
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Old 19th February 2018, 2:10 PM   #9
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Under no circumstances should you expect intimacy on the trip where you 1st meet. To expect to stay in her family home is awfully pushy on your part. For you to expect that she would stay in the home of a strange man she met on the internet is crazy. Yes, it does happen but the safety factors are off the charts.
i never said any of that lol. we already sexted a lot already and already want to so...yeah its bound to happen lol. hell no i couldnt stay there i was just saying the whole situation is awkward. she already said if she comes here shes staying with me. neither of us a psycho...i know that much so far.
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Old 19th February 2018, 2:14 PM   #10
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You actually don't know that she isn't psycho. What you have been told & what you are allowed to see through the computer & phone may not be setting off alarm bells but that is not proof. Just be careful.
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Old 19th February 2018, 5:00 PM   #11
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Its only been what a month you have both been communicating? It sounds to be going too fast too soon. Why is she so eager to get out of her country to meet a strange man via the internet who she barely knows. Long distance dating is a lot different than it used to be, it used to be all about connection and really getting to know each other, now it seems more like the perfect way of tricking someone into either getting money or a visa to have a better life somewhere else. Just put your guard up, take it a little slow, if she really is into you as you claim she is then 7 months will be fine to wait, if she gets bored and finds someone else in that mean time then you will know if she is a red flag or not.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 6:30 AM   #12
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Of course it could work out , they do all the time. Sound like a worthless bunch where you are why would you even want one of them anyway and now you've found a real women m give it a chance. But eh as ya know you gotta be in person and spend some time together before you truly know much for sure, really.

Whats with waiting for her to come to you why don't you just go there to her.
Might've been asked already but anyway.

Last edited by Chilli; 22nd February 2018 at 6:46 AM..
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