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Another 'Why did he do this?' post...

Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 17th December 2017, 8:04 PM   #1
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Unhappy Another 'Why did he do this?' post...

Hello everyone,

I actually feel a bit silly posting this, but I am heartbroken. This is kind of a holiday romance with a twist. I hope this isn't too long.

I had a holiday in Europe in September and spent a few days and nights with a lovely older man who initially pursued me. It felt comfortable, and right, though I was a bit surprised that he was already declaring his love for me by day 2.

There were mutual tears at the airport when I left. After I arrived home I missed him but assumed that was the end of things. But he began frequently texting me, declaring his undying love and adoration, posting romantic things on my Facebook page, etc. When I didn't respond within a day to his first text message, he begged me to tell him that I wasn't just a fling for him, and that he would love me forever.

Even though I should know better, I began telling him that I loved him too. In our last text exchange I said that I really wanted to come and visit him again soon, and he told me that he would wait for me forever.

I think you know where this is headed, but there's a couple of twists.

I knew when I met him that he was scheduled for some major surgery. On the day he was admitted, he texted me to say that he really wished I was by his side. I then sent him about 4 texts while he was in hospital, and there was no reply, even though he was frequently posting on Facebook.

After about 2 weeks I asked him if it was over between us, and that produced a flurry of denial from him - texts and romantic messages which went on for a couple more weeks.

Now he's gone back into hospital for a second surgery, and the same thing has happened. He's ignored my last two messages. In those messages, there was no criticism of him not being in contact. Again, he has been frequently posting to Facebook.

The only contact I've now had with him for a month was when, on my birthday, he posted a message to my Facebook page for everyone to see, telling me he loved me and would love me forever!! He also 'loved' my updated profile photo.

I just don't get it. Why would he post on my wall, and publicly declare his love for me, and not respond to my texts? Why??

By the way, I am certain that he is not married, and the surgery was serious enough that he is very unlikely to have met someone else recently. Based on Facebook, there's no sign of another woman, he has lots of friends and his children seem to adore him. I don't think that he set out to hurt me.

I am heartbroken and angry and super confused about this. I am trying to not contact him - he has two messages from me that he hasn't replied to and I don't want to seem desperate and needy by sending another one.
On the one hand, his behaviour seems like he is not interested but still throwing me a few breadcrumbs. However, the guy has also just had major surgery. I tell myself that I should give him more time because of this, but then I wonder if I am just making excuses for him. He's well enough to be on Facebook and I can see that he has been out to a few low key events. I'm a bit of an emotional mess, to be honest. Really not sure what to do next...?

Thanks for listening.
MorningLight is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th December 2017, 10:37 PM   #2
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I'd continue on as before you met him and, if and when he's recovered enough to travel to visit you, entertain his suggestion to do so if/when it occurs. He can match his flowery words with some concrete actions. Otherwise, plenty of other guys to socialize with.
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Old 18th December 2017, 6:26 PM   #3
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Thanks for your reply Carhill. I wish it was as simple as just forgetting him and getting on with life. He reeled me in like a fish, I fell for him and his beautiful words, and now... well, it's very strange. I think you are perhaps suggesting that nothing about this strikes you as especially unusual?
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Old 18th December 2017, 6:40 PM   #4
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Very odd! I would tend to assume he posted he 'loved you' on Facebook just for show. if we's still ignoring your texts, thats what you need to focus on. Ditch his a** and make him sorry he decided to play mind games with a girl countries away.

Edit to add** any chance his "surgeries" are him going 'home' for a while or something? Its odd that the surgery is the point when he starts disappearing.

Last edited by Jdoublenn; 18th December 2017 at 6:42 PM..
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:59 AM   #5
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Run, OP. Run like the wind.

This man is not a serious prospect for you, and the first huge red flag was him declaring his love for you after just one day together in person. I have never known a stable, rational adult to do so; it's nearly always a sign of trouble ahead.

I don't know what his motivations are with you, but it's clear he's pulling the wool over your eyes. He's doing so poorly in the hospital he can't respond to you, yet he's well enough to post on social media? Surely you see this makes zero sense. He could get in touch with you if he wanted, clearly.

How are you certain he isn't married? Or that he doesn't have a girlfriend? Or that he was even in the hospital? You hardly know him, girl. Keep in mind that he can filter what you see on his social media. There could be plenty more posts that he has blocked you from seeing, so I would advise you against assuming that his Facebook page tells the whole story. You don't know him well enough to verify that.

I would forget about him. Odd and random silence aside, nobody who's playing with a full deck goes declaring their love for you after 1 day. That's not normal and you need to heed red flags when you see them.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:02 PM   #6
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On FB but not messaging you?

The fact that he had time to get on Facebook but no time to message you kind of sucks.

I'm sorry you're going through this as I went through a similar breakup just last month.

It doesn't matter if he just can't make up his mind or what - he is not going to play straight with you, and he doesn't care enough to do the right thing. No more messages to him. If and when he responds to you, tell him what a manipulative jerk he is.

Last edited by Marcella; 19th December 2017 at 4:04 PM..
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