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Reasonable Desire?

Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 27th December 2016, 9:46 AM   #1
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Reasonable Desire?

Hello All,

I was wondering what the LDR community's take is on what a reasonable desire is to have for how involved in one another's life two people in an LDR should be. I've been in an LDR in which I barely knew what the other person was up to on a given day, and I've been in one in which we both compared schedules in the mornings on a given day (or the night before) and made an effort to keep each other company throughout the day as we faced our tasks and tried to squeeze as much time in for each other as we could. I have to say, of the two, I vastly preferred the second. It made me feel special to my partner, to know that they wanted to know what I was doing for the day and to be able to cheer me on/grab some free time together if we had time that overlapped.

If I were to get into an LDR again, I think I would prefer something much closer to the second model, the more involved, more informed model. I liked the intimacy of having an idea what we were both doing with our days, and the feeling that they wanted to be involved and informed -- a part of my life. That said, though, that relationship failed after the partner in question slowly pulled away from me, communicating less and less about their life and their plan for the day with me up until the point where they just asked to end things. Because that level of involvement in each others' lives was originally their idea, it seemed like a bad sign to me when they began to pull away (in only the second month of our relationship), and after giving it a few weeks to see if things would get better I let them know that missed our earlier level of involvement in each others' lives. They broke up with me a week later.

I wonder if perhaps that level of connection in an LDR is just too much to ask a partner to sustain. But perhaps not? Maybe it was just their level of interest in the relationship which they could not sustain over the long term.

Do you think that this interest in planning our days together is a reasonable desire that I can take with me into future LDRs (should I have them), or is it better to be less involved in an LDR, and just be delighted when you both happen to be online simultaneously?

Last edited by BrightlyBlazing; 27th December 2016 at 9:53 AM..
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Old 27th December 2016, 8:08 PM   #2
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I had to insist on it to be treated as a normal relationship, though at times I know more than in a normal relationship, to feel closer.

In a normal relationship, especially if you live together or are married, you know if he's coming home later, what time he's coming home, if he has a party at work, etc.

It can feel a little bit suffocating, so you need to find the right balance. Many LDRs fail before getting to that balance. It all depends on how serious the couple wants to be. It's like when you're dating. After a few dates, interest fizzles out. When it grows, then you know it's serious.

Why would you want the nth LDR? You sound like a serial LDR hunter.
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Old 27th December 2016, 9:04 PM   #3
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It sounds like a situation where things fizzled out because the effort required was more than they could handle. It's also possible they found someone else in the meantime of being in the LDR with you. I would definitely not blame yourself in the situation, but I do think that having open communication about schedule/life balance is always important to make it work. I feel like you did the right thing in this situation, but sometimes right is not enough.
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Old 28th December 2016, 12:48 AM   #4
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Is there any reason you aren't aiming to date someone local? I can't help but wonder if being single is better than in a LDR
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Old 28th December 2016, 2:48 AM   #5
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I would also wonder, if you've already been in at least two LDR's, why you'd want to be in another one? Is that really better for you than dating the locals?

At a minimum, don't be exclusive.
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Old 31st December 2016, 11:47 PM   #6
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I wonder if perhaps that level of connection in an LDR is just too much to ask a partner to sustain.
It's not too much if it's what both of you want. My SO and I were in a LDR for 2 years (have closed the distance since then), and we basically just left Skype on all the time. I would turn mine off when I went to bed, since I can't handle noise when I'm trying to sleep, but he would leave his on 24/7.

Of course, we had our own lives, which was essential - we went to college/work, went out with friends, etc. But when we came back home, Skype was there and we could see if the other person was around and if so, what they were doing. It just felt right to both of us, the closest approximation of "living together" that we could muster. On the other hand, if you insisted that the other person put their life on hold to be there for you all the time, then that would be excessive and suffocating.

That being said, I do agree with the others that it's rather odd that you're already planning for another LDR. What's up with that? LDRs aren't generally something that we WANT to be in - we just sometimes end up in them if the person we love has to go away or we end up connecting with someone who lives elsewhere.
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
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