Physical Affection

[aaron425]

I've been dating a girl for about two months. We live about 6 hours away from each other. I've spent 4 weekends with her, including this past weekend. But it's a funny thing that we never even had any physical contact until this weekend--a hug. And I can tell you that after all this time, it was as emotionally charged as a hug could possibly be, lasting for 15 seconds or so!

 

But before this last visit, I felt like there was something weird going on that we'd had no physical contact and directly addressed the topic in a phone conversation with her. I told her that I was initially a little reluctant in physical affection since I'd had some negative experiences in the past with showing physical affection too early and getting hurt. She told me that, even though she really likes me, I'd probably have to be the one to initiate physical affection since she never would. ?!?!?! I don't really understand why she's like this. I figure it's got something to do with her past relationships, but I don't know what. Anyway, I told her at the time that I was fine with initiating physical affection now that I'd had that conversation with her, having a better understanding of what she's thinking. After I'd initiated the hug, she was definitely releasing some pent-up energy during the embrace, as I definitely was also.

 

Couple all of this with the fact that I've expressed my affection in other ways much more often and more strongly than her. Normally, another person might look at this situation and see an imbalance of affection and possibly power. But I'm not sure that that would be true. I've done some crazy romantic stuff like sending her a homemade card and box of goodies when she was sick. This was stuff that showed undisguised, strong affection for her; and she's received all of it well. She has yet to do anything similar in my direction, and yet she calls me often (3-4 times/week) and we have such fun together and enjoy each other's company during our weekends together.

 

But I'm starting to realize that there's got to be more balance in our relationship. I can definitely make the effort of initiating some of the major steps in physical affection (hugging, kissing, cuddling, sex, etc.) because I really like her. But I think it's got to be cooperative, even if she feels completely receptive to my advances every time. I'm going to bring up the topic again in a phone conversation but I'm a little doubtful that we'll be able to get to the bottom of the matter in one conversation.

 

Any advice for me besides communicating with her on this? Any insights into what she's thinking?

[RecordProducer]

Dear Aaron, you always seem to have a problem with this balance and reciprocity. First about you visiting her, now this. But it's only in your head!

The lady let you know clearly that it's up to you and you should be the one to initiate the physical part of the relationship. It's normal and all men start it first. It's not natural for a woman to do it and many women are reluctant to do so. Personally I would feel stupid to start a kiss or hug or touch (I am 30 years old, divorced). You seem to be the one who has a problem originating from your past, not her.

You hugged her and that's all?!?! What are you, crazy? The lady will start thinking that you can't get it up. Next time you initiate it. Start with touching her hands or shoulders for a second (body language) while talking and laughing... then tell her she has a nice hair and play with it for a few moments...then approach her closer to her face and kiss her lips very gently....then develop the kiss to a passionate one, hold her tight and rub her back...on the next day, you may touch her thighs and kiss her neck and try to unbutton her shirt and see how she reacts... If she doesn't oppose you, go to the end - touch her everywhere and take her clothes off... Do I really need to teach you all this?

Women like decisive, passionate, and energetic men. You've seen her enough times so far and have shown enough affection and romance. It's time to get to business!

[aaron425]

Yeah, you're right about that. I do have issues. I told her over the phone that in expressing physical affection my worst fear was rejection. And she told me that she'd never reject me. What more confirmation do I need? I guess she's ready, right?

 

And yet I'm still terrified at the thought of being more physically assertive. The only sexual relationship I've ever had was with a woman much more assertive than me. I guess I'll just have to bite the bullet and go for it, though I'll be nervous as hell. My hormones rage, and yet I'm paralyzed. I've definitely got issues.

[RecordProducer]

You may talk to other men about it, someone you trust, like your dad or cousin, not some superficial guys who will make fun of it. But trust me please, women LOVE men who are assertive... of course only if we like them. Otherwise it's a horror. But she does like you. And she's ready, yes. She told you she won't reject you. So what kind of experience happened in your past regarding physical affection?

[Tamed Wildflower]

I think RecordProducer probably has this girl figured out pretty well. Sounds like she prefers her men to do the courting, the wooing, and the initiation of physical affection and sex.

 

But I must say, not ALL women like men to be "decisive, passionate, energetic"! Personally, I prefer everything to be very reciprocal, otherwise I'd feel like I was shoved into a position of passivity, where all I can do is respond but never initiate. Aaron, just in case you are ever in a position of developing a relationship with another woman a little later in your life, don't think all women are the same in this regard. I guess the best way of figuring out what kind of courtship a woman wants is to pick up on her signals. If it's obvious that she likes you a lot, but she isn't initiating anything, she is probably waiting for you to touch her, kiss her... and on and on as RecordProducer describes.

 

But back to the sweetheart you are with now. Two possibilities come to mind. 1) As RecordProducer said, she works by the "men as pursuers, women as pursued" rules, so she is ready and waiting to be happily, passionately receptive to your advances. 2) She would never initiate physical affection because she is a little scared of intimacy or scared of sex, and so she can't bring herself to be so bold as to initiate it, but she can feel a little safer about it if she can hand the control over to someone else, someone she has come to really trust.

 

Do as RecordProducer describes. If your sweetheart responds happily, passionately, you're a lucky man tonight. If she looks a little scared, a little nervous, like a vulnerable child perhaps, then be kind and understanding toward her. Ask her if she can communicate with you about how she feels, listen, respect her boundaries, and take it slow.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[Tamed Wildflower]

About your feeling terrified to make a move-- this is normal! The more you like someone, the more vulnerable you are, and the scarier it becomes. This is what I was getting at in my last post. You have said that this girl has out and out told you that she will never reject you, and yet you are still "terrified", "paralyzed". Perhaps it is not rejection you are afraid of, but intimacy? This may seem counterintuitive to you. If you are getting into a relationship where you are going to be completely accepted, trusted, valued, and maybe even loved, why in the world would you feel terrified? Because the process of entering into a relationship like this is a process of stripping yourself of all defenses, all pretensions, and becoming utterly, terrifyingly vulnerable. You are afraid to kiss her because in this act of intimacy you become more vulnerable, and she is afraid too. This is my guess, and I would be really interested to know if it rings true to what you and your girl are feeling.

 

(I didn't pull this analysis out of the blue, I came to it because I know that I am terrified of the vulnerability of intimacy, and I'd kinda like to know if I am right that everybody feels this.)

[aaron425]

It wasn't a past experience with physical affection that affects me now. As a teenager I was much less attractive than I am now and a little dorky besides. I was always extremely conscious of myself physically. So I'd never get into things like dancing because I was afraid of what other people would think if I did it wrong. I think I'm much more attractive as a man now, and although my self-confidence has improved immensely, taking the lead in sex and physical intimacy is still a huge step.

 

I'm definitely physically attracted to this girl. And yet, funny to say it, at this point, I'm more concerned about continuing to do the right things to stay with her than anything else. I really, really like her (starting to feel a little lovesick) and want to meet all of her expectations of me so that I can keep being with her. I just want to keep being with her--that's all that matters.

 

I think I may be afraid of physical intimacy. It seems odd to me to say that. Because I so much want to be a long-term relationship in which the level of emotional intimacy is high. I think I may be afraid of doing something wrong in sex, making a silly move. I think I can do this. I just may need a little more communication with her as I make my moves than some other people might need. I think she understands me enough now to know that this will be true, and I think she has empathy for me, knowing that it's a difficult thing for me to do. It doesn't really sound from the way I'm talking that sex is fun, does it? haha I think that once we get going, we'll both have a lot of fun.

[Tamed Wildflower]

Aaron, try to shift the way you are thinking about this.

 

Right now, you think that you have to make all the "right" moves, say all the "right" things to make her continue to like you.

 

There are no "right moves" or "right things to say". She already does like you. She likes you because you say the things that are consistend with YOUR personality, with YOUR mood, with YOUR emotions. She likes you because you are Aaron, not because you are "the perfect man", whatever that means.

 

Besides, you want to be liked for who you are, right? You want to be accepted for all the elements of your personality, right? You want to be accepted when you are happy, sad, grumpy, quirky, angry, funny, etc. etc. etc., right?

 

You don't have to worry about meeting her expectations. I don't think that she has very strict expectations anyway. Not to say that she doesn't have any expectations at all. Yes, people often have general ideas about how the courtship process will work. It sounds like she expects you to make the moves. But HOW you make the moves-- that comes from your individuality, from the unique wonderfulness of your relationship. Falling in love would be boring if we already knew everything that we wanted the other to say, be, and do. Part of the delightfulness of it all is getting to know what THIS person (YOU!) will say, be, and do.

 

You don't have to worry about being a perfect lover either. You will probably make a silly move at some point. (Step on her foot, maybe? Get her hair stuck in your watch, maybe?) And she will giggle, and think you are cute for it. And you will be further endeared to each other for the silliness and awkwardness involved. Silliness can be a great icebreaker for when you are both having those terrified, paralyzed moments. I think this is especially true for younger people, and as you have said, your girl is only 20.

 

I can't resist giving you a cute anecdote about my friend. When we were 16, she began seeing this 22-year-old. The first time they kissed, he said, "I taste something minty. Are you chewing gum?" She was so dumbfounded by how good the kiss had felt that she couldn't quite speak; she just opened her mouth, and the gum fell out and landed on his shoe. The giggled about it, and kissed some more. This sort of thing happens all the time between young lovers. It's part of the fun, and it makes both people less nervous.

 

Let us know how it goes.

[aaron425]

Yeah, I think what you're saying is true, TW. I really appreciate your advice! I definitely want to be myself all the time with her. And I feel comfortable with that.

 

I'm not sure where you got the idea that we're younger, except that I don't have much relationship experience. We're both 27. She has much more relationship experience than me. I just went for a long time thinking that I could do just fine in my life without being in a relationship; as you'd probably guess I was also a little fearful of them. But now I'm trying to get back into this whole relationship and dating thing; I feel like I really want someone special in my life--and right now it's this girl.

 

Thanks again for all of your advice!

[Tamed Wildflower]

Aaron, I am so glad to be of help!! It's nice to read about someone having the good kind of problems, someone in a situation that I know will turn out just fine.

 

Sorry I thought that you and your girl were younger. I have just gotten into this LoveShack thing, and I have read so many posts over the last week that I guess I got you mixed up with someone who said he was 24 and dating a 20 year old. Sorry again!

 

And good luck again!

 

Please, do post again sometime, I'd love to hear about how things go! ;-)

[aaron425]

Well, I just wrote her a nice long letter explaining exactly what it is I like about her and how I feel about her. I asked her if we could have a phone conversation in which we could exchange these thoughts and feelings. That being said, I asked if, considering both of our shyness at physical initiation, we could work at it together, helping each other along; I suggested that this could be something to work hard at together since both of us find so many other things of value in the relationship to keep going. This is a solution that I think is reasonable and wise.

 

I'm quite sure that RecordProducer's views represent a lot of women, but I don't think quite all women think the same way as her. I'm just thinking also of other postings she's made that make me think she's not much like the girl I'm dating. If you're reading this RP, please don't take it personally--I really appreciate your honest efforts to give me advice. And some stuff you've said really has helped me.

 

The reason I'm so concerned about balance in a relationship is because I've read that an imbalance of affection creates an imbalance of power. An imbalance of power can be bad because the person who feels less affection can begin to exert more power over the other, possibly becoming lazy or becoming controlling in some other way. In my ideal relationship, I want to tackle problems that come up (whether in the relationship or outside of it) sort of as a team with my partner. Why should the issue of physical affection be any different? Why should it be as one-sided as RP suggests?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Aaron, first let me just say that you are a wonderful guy-- you've got a rare purity of heart, you are loving, giving, and sweet, and you treat your relationships with those you love with a level of dedication that most people don't even realize is needed in romantic relationships until they are much older and more experienced than you. You are emotionally attuned, and you have an emotional intelligence that will serve you well in romantic relationships. This girl is lucky to have your affections.

 

I'd like to respond to that first bit you wrote in your last post-- about proposing that you both work hard at this physical affection thing.

 

Oh Aaron! I absolutely agree with you that relationships take work. I like the way you put it-- TEAMWORK. (I'll have to remember that one!) And it is really wonderful that you realize that when problems arise in a romantic relationship, the two partners should work at resolving them mutually. (Surf around this website and you will come to the sad realization of how often people don't realize these things.) You seem to have a wonderful innate sense of how healthy relationships work. (I am that way too-- 24 and never had a boyfriend, but I guess I have just made a lot of observations watching other couples.) It is this sense you have that makes me really optimistic for you in the long-run.

 

But Aaron! You're issue right now is not one you should work so hard at! You have me imagining two determined people approaching each other, tensely, bracing themselves, saying "We can DO this physical affection thing. If we study hard and work hard at it, we will get it right! If we work REALLY hard, we'll be alright!" I know, when I write it that way, it sounds absurd. Maybe I am painting a caricature here, but this is more or less how you sound!

 

Loosen up! This should be the easy part of the relationship, especially early on. Sex, and all the touching and kissing that may lead up to it, can be a lot of things: playful, silly, goofy, awkward, fun, cute, sweet, naughty, heart-melting, breath-taking, passionate, sensual, sexy, erotic. I think it is more likely to be any combination of these things if you don't think so hard about it, if you don't approach it with such emotional gravity. What it comes down to is this-- do what you feel. Go with the flow of the mood you both are feeling.

 

My guess is your affections will begin as some combination of the first several adjectives I listed. I think this is usually how if goes, especially when people are nervous. As I mentioned in my earlier post, the early silliness will endear you to each other, calm your nerves, and make you more comfortable. So if your are feeling awkward and goofy, give in to the awkwardness and goofiness. Remember, she already likes you, even when you are a goof-ball. And I am willing to bet that the early playful sweetness will eventually give way to stronger passions.

 

As a first move, I would suggest more physical touch, especially of the playful variety. Spend the afternoon in a public park. In that kind of a setting, you will probably feel at ease knowing that you don't have to worry about taking the affection to a really sexual level. So you can just have a little fun tickling, tousling, and doing all manner of silly things, maybe eventually kissing and holding hands a little. Once you have had that experience, you are likely to feel more at ease when you get to a setting where *something* might happen.

 

 

I'll have to mull over your fears about imbalances of affection and power a little. I'll get back to ya, but right now I gotta get goin'.

[aaron425]

Thanks so much for all your compliments, TW! The idea of being a team is not my own. I got it from a book on relationships that I've been reading. The same source for all those things about balance. That in particular was an idea that struck me as being very important.

 

I just spoke to her on the phone. She hadn't read my letter, but I explained what I had written in it to her in outline. I told her that I was a little worried that I had been too honest about my feelings for her too early. She told me that I had absolutely nothing to worry about! And she thought helping each other along in showing our physical affection was a good idea! I'm soooo happy!!!! So, so, so happy!!!

 

Thanks again for all your compliments and advice, TW!

[Tamed Wildflower]

Sounds great! I'm happy for you!! Do you get to see her this weekend?

[aaron425]

Bad news.

 

I asked her if we could share what we like about each other and how we're feeling about each other. And it turns out that she's got a lot less feeling for me than I do for her. I've felt committed to her, but apparently she doesn't feel quite the same about me since she's still active on the online dating site after dating me for two months (I took my profile off a couple weeks after meeting her). She hasn't been mean to me in any way at all; in fact, she's told me that she sees long-term possibilities with me. I think she's a very sensitive person and doesn't want to hurt me. But she's much more cautious than me because she's had worse dating experiences in her past than I have. At times, I've unwisely been gushing with emotion. She wants to keep dating me, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to act around her now. I'm going to put a lid on my fountain of emotions, at least until she catches up to me; I don't know what effect that will have. I have to admit that I'm feeling a little heartbroken by the fact that she still apparently considers herself active in the possibility of dating other men, even though I'm pretty sure she's hasn't actually done it. I feel really embarrassed and foolish right now because I've revealed so much of emotions to her and she doesn't feel the same way. It's like I was just asking for a big disappointment by sharing so much. What's wrong with me? Why can't I control my feelings or at least keep them to myself so that I'm not so vulnerable?

[Tamed Wildflower]

Ugh! I'm sorry to hear that things have gone wrong for you here. My take on this is that she has simply had more experience than you, and like you said she has been hurt a few times, so she has learned to take things a little slower emotionally. As you are finding out, the more you open up and the more you feel, the easier it is to get hurt. I think you are doing the right thing in just slowing yourself down a little. It does sound like this is a really good relationship, and I bet that if you give it time, her level of emotional attachment will catch up to yours.

[aaron425]

Things have gotten a lot better since that last note. You're pretty much right about the experience vs. inexperience matter; that's what it has turned out to be. I went through a sort of crisis of emotion over Easter weekend as we exchanged emails and phone calls working through how we feel about each other. She is a person who when she commits to someone, she REALLY commits; and I am too, so I think we're a good match in that way. And I know she definitely dating my exclusively. Actions speak louder than words. We're going on a birdwatching trip together for a couple days next month. She made all the arrangements and purposely reserved one room with one bed for the two of us. That, along with a bunch of other stuff she's done, like calling me for four consecutive nights before the time I had planned to call her, makes me sure that she's beginning to raise her commitment to me; that makes me really happy! She says she completely understands how I'm feeling and why; she says she doesn't want me to regret being so open emotionally with her. But she wants me to know that she's not going to be as expressive with me this early in the relationship because of her experience; I have some security in that, because I can tell how she feels about me in a lot of other ways. And about the physical affection thing: we're on the same page now; we're going to progress cooperatively without one person necessarily being the initiator.