Long Distance and she wants a break

[nealo23]

Hi,

 

I've been dating my most recent girlfriend for over a year. We hit it off so well to start but I had just gotten out of a serious relationship so I wanted to make sure that we knew we were right for each other so we developed first as friends for a couple months and then for the last year and couple months we became intimate. I work as a doctor in a hospital and she was a nurse. She subsequently got into a nursing anesthesia program that was on the other coast and she was really scared to tell me because she didn't want it to affect our relationship. We decided that we love each other so much and that we would make it work regardless of the distance. Her school would be for a little over 2 years but we would make every effort to see each other when we could.

 

When we started the long distance about 5-6 months ago, it was a rough transition because of the 3 hour time difference but we made sure to email each other when we couldn't text and I would make sure that we face time as much as possible. Things were going really well given the circumstances of distance. I was even able to go out and see her a couple months after she left but she was knee deep in studying. I did everything I could to help her study including spending 9 out of the 10 days I was there in the library with her, quizzing her, teaching her things I had learned in medical school. She was very stressed but very appreciative. It was also her birthday during that time so I did a lot of random things for her including making her a "101 reasons why I love you" jar and a hand made picture frame to put pictures of us.

 

When she finally was on winter break, she told me she wanted to spend as much time back at her parents as she could because she missed being back in Hawaii (who wouldn't?) but she also wanted to come spend the week prior with me. When she came, I basically took her around to see all of her friends in LA. I didn't get to spend any significant amount of alone time with her aside from her and I going to buy a kitten together. I was a little upset about this and she could tell so we got into an argument that led her to cry and say that she feels she can't make me happy. I tried to get more information but it seemed like she was worried that I wasn't happy with the long distance, which I told her profusely was not true. I even told her at that time that I hope to marry her one day. Things seemed patched up and she left for Hawaii.

 

While she was in Hawaii things seemed ok though we talked a little less because she was out surfing a lot as well as hanging with her friends. I gave her space to enjoy being back home and didn't push her to call me on the phone or text. We face timeed a couple times and talked on the phone a handful too. Things were going well up until the last 2 days before she was about to come back to LA before heading back to school on the east coast when she just seemed aloof/distant via text. I sent her a song I recorded via text the night before she flew back to LA and she responded with multiple "<3"s and saying she loves me so much. I told her I can't wait to see her in the morning and then I fell asleep. I picked her up the next morning and she just seemed a little distant and wasn't saying much. She was going to spend the day with her friend until I got off work and I dropped her there. When I finally got off work, she said she would meet me at my place.

 

The first thing I noticed when she came to my place is that she didn't have her stuff with her. It automatically tipped me off that something was up. When we went upstairs she sat me down and told me that she wanted to take a break b/c she needs to focus on school b/c this is the hardest semester and she is worried that if she doesn't do well she won't get a good position for her 2nd year (they do clinical rotations at specific sites and it is based on how you did the first year). I obviously broke down and told her that I've supported her through everything and I love her and don't understand why we can't keep working like we were and she said that she needs the space. She told me she still loves me but she wants me to not wait for her and try and find someone here if it comes around b/c she doesn't know what's going to happen. She also told me that she is not going to date anyone else. I was really confused if she wanted a break or if she wanted to break-up. She left after she hugged me while I was in tears. She flew out the next day and I texted her that night that I hope she got back alright and I told her that I respect her decision and need for space to figure things out and I will give it to her because it is important to me. She responded by saying she feels so sick inside b/c of how badly this hurt me and she feels this is just what she needs right now.

 

That was that. I haven't been in formal contact with her in almost a week, but I have been bad and looked on her fb/snap chat which I have now subsequently deactivated my accounts just to see that she is hanging out with her roomates. I have so many questions in my head. I feel like I have been the best person I can be for her and honestly I felt like she defined the qualities that I am looking for in a person. In my gut I feel like she is the person that I want to be with and that is meant for me. I know school can be really rough and they actually kick people out of this particular school if they don't do well. I guess my question is should I maintain this hope? And if so, how long should I not contact her for? Do I wait until she contacts me? What if she doesn't contact me?

[justwhoiam]

I did a lot of random things for her including making her a "101 reasons why I love you" jar and a hand made picture frame to put pictures of us.

Wow. That was awesome. Especially the jar. But also the hand-made picture frame! You are talented.

 

When she finally was on winter break, she told me she wanted to spend as much time back at her parents as she could because she missed being back in Hawaii (who wouldn't?) but she also wanted to come spend the week prior with me.

Why didn't you take a week or two off to be with her in Hawaii??

 

When she came, I basically took her around to see all of her friends in LA. I didn't get to spend any significant amount of alone time with her aside from her and I going to buy a kitten together.

Well, that was very unbalanced. But you had to arrange something for you two. And I guess you didn't.

 

I even told her at that time that I hope to marry her one day. Things seemed patched up and she left for Hawaii.

I guess your revelation + her stay in Hawaii gave her time to think it over a lot. And she realized she's not so deep in the relationship as you are.

I can also suppose that anyone might have had their say on this relationship and commenting with possible "Are you sure that is what you want?", "How can you be with someone you can't see for the next 1.5 years?" and so on.

Plus, she might have met some other doctor/teacher/whatever in the new school (despite her reassuring you, that's very possible) whom she's attracted to. And even if that were postponed until her course is over, it doesn't mean she can continue with you.

 

I sent her a song I recorded via text the night before she flew back to LA

Wow, that was so cute.

 

I was really confused if she wanted a break or if she wanted to break-up

It sounds more like a break-up when someone tells you not to wait for them. But you had to clear this up right away.

 

She responded by saying she feels so sick inside b/c of how badly this hurt me and she feels this is just what she needs right now.

This is quite revealing. It looks like she's not in love with you anymore. And it arrived so violently, from night to morning, that I can understand your bewilderment. In short, she feels bad seeing you felt bad about it, no feelings about breaking it up with you.

 

I feel like I have been the best person I can be for her

It looks like you were.

 

I felt like she defined the qualities that I am looking for in a person.

You thought so, but no, not really. I'm sure you want someone who can face the hard times, being away from each other, high and lows, and more. A doctor and a nurse, if they don't work in the same place, will have to face all that.

 

should I maintain this hope?

You told her you'd give her the space she needs. And left it hanging. No end time for this break. No real break-up discussed.

 

how long should I not contact her for?

Don't contact her at all for the next 6 months.

 

Do I wait until she contacts me?

Yes.

 

What if she doesn't contact me?

If she doesn't, in 6 months, assuming her course will have a break in June (or I don't know when), you'll talk to her so that you can at least have some closure.

 

No break was necessary here. She could have handled it in so many different ways. She could have told you that she could only talk to you once a week. She could ask for a temporary break till the next school break. If she really wanted to maintain the relationship with you, there were ways to do so. But she didn't. Even if she still loves you, it doesn't mean she's still in love with you. She sounds a bit flaky.

[Spectre]

This girl is bad news, texting you one day saying how much she loves you and then dumping you the next day. Dumping you because "school is hard now". That is baloney, plenty of people are able to juggle school and relationships. If her heart was truly into this relationship she'd find a way.

 

Plus listen to what she said, that she doesn't want you to wait for her and if someone else comes along you should be with that person. But oh she totally says she is not going to date anyone. I notice she used the word date, ask her if she is going to be screwing anyone, since that sounds like that is one thing she has in mind here. She's wants to be free to do as she pleases with other dudes.

 

I hate to tell you this, but people in love do not decide to go on a "break" with their partner. This girl broke up with you and told you to date other people. She doesn't love you and has clearly moved on from you, all that is left is she has some feelings of guilt. I can't say for sure that she has already found someone else, but I highly doubt she's going to stave off all contact with members of the opposite sex until she finishes school. She is telling you to be with someone if the chance comes up because she plans to do the exact same thing if the chance arises.

 

So be glad you dodged this bullet and she showed you her true colors now. You say you feel she is the one for you, but trust me she isn't. If she was she wouldn't of dumped you and told you to get with other girls. The idea of you with another girl should kill her, but nope here she is encouraging it, and you think she is "the one" ? Someone said do not contact her for 6 months, for me I would say do not contact her ever again. There is no point in doing so. She has made her feelings clear, and nothing she says or does can change how she behaved.

 

You might feel you need to talk to her again to get closure, but I feel she already gave you closure and you just do not want to accept it. Think about it, she dumped you and told you to move on. She even gave you reasons, even if those reasons were lame. She says she loves you, but you can tell by her actions that she does not. The only reason to ever talk to her again is if you want to cause yourself more pain.