Jealousy and fear he won't like how I look in person, self-esteem down, don't know...

[KismetGirl]

...how to act anymore. I'm so sorry if this seems repetitive but I'm going crazy. I started talking to this guy online two months ago right after I left the country for work for 5 months. I was bored, he had messaged me before I left but i never responded.

 

We have gotten really close over these two months-- talking, texting, skyping nearly every single day, i wake up to good morning messages and vice versa. He tells me there is something different about me and he feels like I'm someone he could fall in love with. HOWEVER-- since we havent met yet, obviously, there's no way to tell for sure if it will work and so, as logic might dictate, he has not put his dating life on total hold while I'm still gone. Though he does talk to me every day with few exceptions, he is still dating. About 3-4 weeks ago he started seeing someone. I know about her, but she does not know about me. He's pretty honest with me about his dalliances. He's slept with other girls and I was jealous but not insanely so because they were only around a week, a few days, etc. This one has been around a month and I'm pretty sure she thinks she's his girlfriend at this point. She has met his friends and even his sister and brother-in-law and nephew. He doesn't like to talk about it now because it's a sore topic for me but he has insinuated that yes, she thinks they are "together" now but that she has said she doesnt care if he hooks up with other people supposedly, that she just doesnt want to know details. He says he likes her, that they are getting closer, but that he still doesn't feel about her how he feels potential about me, future-wise. That he can talk to me for hours, but that with her they dont really talk a whole lot and that she's a bit "young" whatever that means-- it's mostly sex and hanging out, and he enjoys spending time with her but he's not head over heels or anything, and that it suits his purposes right now. He doesn't like to be single, it seems. I guess many people don't. And he keeps saying he's so sorry it bothers me and he doesnt want to hurt me but that at the same time he can't put his whole dating life on hold when i won't even be there another two months and despite being so enamoured with me so far, that maybe there's a chance we won't work so he needs to keep options open.

 

I know what he's saying is rational. I can't be mad at him for dating, he has every right now. But my immediate inclination is to be passive aggressive-- to just ignore him for days, to not talk to him at all to save myself the tortured feeling of know he is with HER everytime he doesnt answer my texts. But I know if i dont keep the mystery and convesation going, he will lose interest in me-- "out of sight, out of mind, as they say. The biggest thing I have going for me right now is the "mystery" of me....he knows he likes me and he is very curious to finally meet me and I know that keeps him hanging on even though he is dating someone he likes fairly well. He says they hang out once or twice a week right now but I'm sure the more time passes the closer they will get. Despite how strongly he feels for me just from our talking, she can touch him, kiss him, sleep with him ... and that is a big missing element in getting close to someone that I cannot currently do. It breaks my heart right now because I feel like he and I have potential and I fear that if he keeps seeing her they will get closer and by the time I'm there it'll be moot.

 

I'm also incredibly insecure lately. I have seen photos of her and she is an attractive girl-- Very thin, willowy, blonde, and about 7 years younger than me (he's my age). I do think I am pretty/sexy/whatever, but I am not happy with my weight, my looks, my confidence has not been as good as it used to be maybe 5-6 years ago. I have a demanding job, a stressful job, and it's taken a toll on my dating life, my healthy lifestyle habits, and I am not at my peak physical condition is an understatement. I probably gained 50 pounds in the last five years. I am very "proportional"-- I do not look as bad as some might gaining that much weight, but if you look at me then and now, I am significantly larger, at least in my eyes.

 

He made a comment about one of his ex-girlfriends during our last skype conversation-- something to the effect of "well she had a nice face i guess but her body wasn't so great, and in the end i just wasnt really attracted to her anymore". THis has, as you can imagine, made me paranoid and anxious to the point of almost crying imagining what he'll think of me when he sees me. Please dont think im being excessive...it's just how I feel. He has seen many photos of me and we have skyped, but let's be honest-- i put up the photos i find most flattering, that cut out my "problem areas" that i deem unattractive, and even on skype i lay down/sit in positions or angles that i feel make me look best and hide my flaws. This current girl he is seeing must be like half my size-- she is a twig. My body type is more along the old-school Marylin Monroe curviness, which is fine, but it currently has about 50 pounds it doesnt need. Im trying to live healthier, started yoga, started eating a tiny bit better but it's not going to melt off overnight, and certainly not in the two months before i fly back home. My insecurity has gotten to the point that Im having desperate daydreams of liposuction to move the process faster, even though as a medical person my logical side says that its not the answer to quick weight loss. But at moments like this when I know he is with that girl tonight and that's why he had to say good night, I want to cry. He snuck off to the bathroom just to tell me good night, which is super that he doesnt forget about me, but he's with her all night tonight, getting closer to her. Not me.

 

In my head I imagine him seeing me for the first time and thinking "well she has a pretty face but her body is not so great". If he thought it about his ex he was hooking up with for two years on and off, he can certainly think it about me. I showed him a photo of what I thought was a very attractive, yet plus sized, model asking what he thought of her and he made a joke about how he'd have sex with her but wouldn't want to walk around with her. I know this makes him sound like a pig but really i think he's thinking just like your average man. I have a lot of male friends, ive heard far worse....

 

He has also said to me that it's not just looks that attract him-- that no matter what a girl looks like overall that what attracts him most is if she has a "flair", a presence, and that I have that. It gives me some hope but when he says something like what he said about his ex it makes me think he'll take one look at me and think he's going to put me in the friend box instead of the girlfriend box.

 

I dont know what to do. Don't tell me therapy-- i haven't got time or money for it, and i have 9 weeks until i fly back anyway. I just need some serious support, some other people commisserating , maybe sharing their similar stories and how it did (or i guess didn't, to be realistic) work out in the end, and if you also were petrified they wouldnt like how you look in person and what happened when you did finally meet. I feel so awful. I dont want to push him away with my passive agressive response that happens when Im feeling hurt or threatened, which is how I feel everytime I know he is with her, like right now. I know that it will suit me better to remain sweet, kind, joking, flirty-- that will keep him intrigued more than a moody, cranky, jealous b**tch. Which is why I am venting here instead of sending him more sad-face text emoticons.

 

Help, commiserate, something, please!

[KismetGirl]

No one has ever online dated and been worried the other person won't be as attracted in person?? really? :-(

[gaius]

I know it's probably tough when you feel you're competing with someone much younger and thinner Kismet but you really need to give him an accurate view of yourself, warts and all. Maybe he'll like you still and maybe he won't but it's better to get that out of the way now or you're just going to be in agony for the next 9 weeks until you finally meet in person. =/

 

If it makes you feel any better guys can often put a much higher value on finding someone they can connect with and talk to than they're willing to admit. I'm not sure it would be a great idea to get big expectations about a guy who's dating another girl though, even if he's being honest about it.

[lil_lionwoman]

Before I discuss your anxiety over his physical attraction to you, there's other things in this relationship that need to be addressed.

 

And he keeps saying he's so sorry it bothers me and he doesnt want to hurt me but that at the same time he can't put his whole dating life on hold when i won't even be there another two months and despite being so enamoured with me so far, that maybe there's a chance we won't work so he needs to keep options open.

 

For one thing you seem to be stuck in a very unconventional relationship, not only are you in an LDR (that should really be called an LDPR long distance potential relationship in your case) which takes a tremendous amount of emotional commitment and dedication to a partner but you're also in a non-monogamous "relationship" with this guy. I understand the reasoning behind this because it is an issue in a lot of LDR's, he needs someone who will be physically there for him and he doesn't want to emotionally invest himself in just you when things might not work out.

 

Though this guy seems to be sorry like you say I question his feelings... but I'll get into that later. Some questions for you though...

 

Is there a date or some kind of timeframe that you two have planned to meet?

If so how far away is that date?

You said you fly back in 9 weeks... do you and him live in the same area?

Does he know you are flying back?

 

I think I can give you much better advice on the relationship if I know these things.

 

Now on to the physical part of your problem.

 

You worry that he will not be attracted to you when you meet because of certain things he's said. This is an issue in a lot of LDR's and it's certainly a worry that I have in my own. I struggle with my own body image issues, (although I can put on a hell of a brave face on at times). In fact I was so anxious over it that I really, really tried to avoid video chatting at all costs. I'm surprised he didn't notice or think I was cat fishing him... Even though he'd seen pictures of me I was worried he wouldn't like how I smiled, how my hair looked, basically I wanted him to continue to view me as a lifeless pretty 2D face.

 

I got over that hurdle but now I have the anxiety over meeting him in person. Will he think I'm still pretty? Will he like my body? Would I be attractive enough for him to want to "show me off" to his family and friends? That's stuff is always at the back of my mind. So I think we're in the same boat, however in your case you've let this insecurity overtake you... This insecurity is compounded by the fact that right now he only views you as an option... (again a problem I would like to address later)

 

Like you said you're not going to be able to change your body in 9 weeks but you can change how you perceive yourself. If you meet this guy in your current state- feeling unconfident about your body it's going to shine through. I hate giving you this advice because it's like telling a sick person to just feel better. But in your case it's true you can't change your body right no- only your perspective. So yeah continue working out, getting healthier, and building up your confidence, it's all you can do for now.

 

But are you doing this for him or for you?

 

Doing it for you alone would take away a lot of the pressure.

[kimiky]

I just need some serious support, some other people commisserating , maybe sharing their similar stories and how it did (or i guess didn't, to be realistic) work out in the end, and if you also were petrified they wouldnt like how you look in person and what happened when you did finally meet.

Well something funny happened to me. When we talked, for example, I showed him once a picture of a group of guys, he pointed out the only one that was kind of chubby, I took it too seriously thinking that it's the first thing he notices, imagine my self esteem that time. Besides, he sometimes was telling me his bro was kind of fatty (and when i searched for her pictures, he wasn't...) so that made me obsess a little, to the point i got kind of depressed and i came here asking for help (other user i dont remember tho). I'm not skinny, i'm a little chubby, I dont like myself, but show me just one person in this world that doesn't like herself/himself and I'll give you a prize. However, i realized i wouldn't get skinnier for the day we would meet and just tried to accept myself. When we met.... he was chubbier than me, that exactly... No need to explain that I'm not mad, in fact i like it and made me feel more comfortable, but well, i was really scared about the same than you. (btw it happened because i never really asked for a body picture, just face, weird, for some reason...)

 

I think steretypes aren't serious, he can say he doesn't like one kind of girls, but if he clicks with you, that won't really matter.

 

However, being sincere, i wouldn't go out with a guy that can have interest in two girls at same time, because i always think i can be the one being "cheated" by him, as he is doing with his actual real life partner with you. Take it with tweezers, maybe you are more open mind than me about this.

 

If you are going to work your image, as you were told, do it for yourself, not for him, there is always someone outside there that would appreciate you as you are =)

[FitChick]

You've been overweight for a long time. Too bad you didn't start dieting sooner. You can lose two pounds per week. Cut the calories. Go on the Zone diet or Mediterranean diet, both of which are sustainable as a lifestyle. That way you will eliminate one source of worry. Otherwise I fear you will sabotage this.

 

One reason I try to look my best is so I can concentrate on other things instead. Some people like to focus on weight so they don't have to fix the more important things.

[anna121]

I think you need to be honest with him about how you look. Stop hiding your body on Skype. It is a risk, but I think it will hurt infinitely more if this thing unravels for essentially the same reason next January.

 

I don't think the fact that he is dating a willowy twig is by itself a red flag. But combined with the side comments here and there, well frankly, yes I would be concerned.

[KismetGirl]

I know it's probably tough when you feel you're competing with someone much younger and thinner Kismet but you really need to give him an accurate view of yourself, warts and all. Maybe he'll like you still and maybe he won't but it's better to get that out of the way now or you're just going to be in agony for the next 9 weeks until you finally meet in person. =/

 

If it makes you feel any better guys can often put a much higher value on finding someone they can connect with and talk to than they're willing to admit. I'm not sure it would be a great idea to get big expectations about a guy who's dating another girl though, even if he's being honest about it.

 

Yes thats true-- i think he appreciates the fact that we can talk very easily, i just dont want to be pushed into the friend box. I have to tell you I'm in a weird state of mind-- I'm not "fat", and at one point i had a really nice figure, but the last few years its just a big gain and I'm not used to being in this skin. I wasn't always "the fat girl" (even though i cant imagine anyone would call me that now, im probably being harder on myself than i should, but im unhappy with my current state)

 

I think, underneath it all, he'd like a serious relationship at this point. In the country where we live most people are getting serious and married at this age. I do appreciate his honesty with me-- for better or worse he tells me EVERYTHING. He's told me things about himself that I can guarantee he has not told many people, if anyone at all. And he has told me everything about every girl he has met, talked to, or hooked up with in the last two months. Only recently has he withheld details on his hang outs with the current girl because he saw it upset me, but he doesnt hide her from me. He said he wants to be honest with me because he feels there's potential. I have to believe him for now, i guess. It is a red flag but its hard to ascertain the validity of anything when I'm so far away.

 

As for giving him an accurate view, im really not sure how to do that. I've put up photos on facebook that i find less than perfect. it's obvious in them that I am not skinny, but I do look nice in them. I've said to him on multiple occasions things along the line of "if you like skinny girls, i am not remotely close to it, so im just telling you know". But i feel like showing a REALLY bad photo is going to make him focus on the negatives at the same time. When you meet someone in person you take in their entire aura, their persona, along with what you see. You are not sitting in front of a screen with their stomach pooch at the center of a photo, or their cellulite on the screens hard glare. It's different, and I'm not sure I want to thrust every flaw I have in his face overseas. So i've tried to just show that, no, im not skinny, i am curvy, i am not fat but i could stand to lose some weight, and i am certainly nothing like some of his exes that i've seen who are mostly thinner than i am but what can i do?

 

Last time we skyped it got a bit heated/sexual sort of conversation, and he asked me at one point if i would stand in front of the camera, which is an awkward effing position to be in. I dimmed the lights a bit in the room and i did it, though i desperately tried to put the camera at a decent angle to focus on my more positive attributes. But he has to have seen at least enough to understand that im not perfect by any means. I hope. But i guess my insecurity right now just makes me a bit worried.

 

Unfortunately despite the plethora of attractive men I have been with in my life, it takes only one jerk to say something unkind to make you forget about all the nice ones, and those not nice things have stayed in my mind a long time and this situation makes me think of them and wonder if he would think like that guy. In which case I should tell myself he isn't for me right? But its never that easy.

[justwhoiam]

Just one thing: don't have sex with him when you meet him. Take some time to see if he's serious enough with you. Don't be just another notch in his bedpost. It'd be something that will hurt you deeply.

[KismetGirl]

Before I discuss your anxiety over his physical attraction to you, there's other things in this relationship that need to be addressed.

 

 

 

For one thing you seem to be stuck in a very unconventional relationship, not only are you in an LDR (that should really be called an LDPR long distance potential relationship in your case) which takes a tremendous amount of emotional commitment and dedication to a partner but you're also in a non-monogamous "relationship" with this guy. I understand the reasoning behind this because it is an issue in a lot of LDR's, he needs someone who will be physically there for him and he doesn't want to emotionally invest himself in just you when things might not work out.

 

Though this guy seems to be sorry like you say I question his feelings... but I'll get into that later. Some questions for you though...

 

Is there a date or some kind of timeframe that you two have planned to meet?

If so how far away is that date?

You said you fly back in 9 weeks... do you and him live in the same area?

Does he know you are flying back?

 

I think I can give you much better advice on the relationship if I know these things.

 

Now on to the physical part of your problem.

 

You worry that he will not be attracted to you when you meet because of certain things he's said. This is an issue in a lot of LDR's and it's certainly a worry that I have in my own. I struggle with my own body image issues, (although I can put on a hell of a brave face on at times). In fact I was so anxious over it that I really, really tried to avoid video chatting at all costs. I'm surprised he didn't notice or think I was cat fishing him... Even though he'd seen pictures of me I was worried he wouldn't like how I smiled, how my hair looked, basically I wanted him to continue to view me as a lifeless pretty 2D face.

 

I got over that hurdle but now I have the anxiety over meeting him in person. Will he think I'm still pretty? Will he like my body? Would I be attractive enough for him to want to "show me off" to his family and friends? That's stuff is always at the back of my mind. So I think we're in the same boat, however in your case you've let this insecurity overtake you... This insecurity is compounded by the fact that right now he only views you as an option... (again a problem I would like to address later)

 

Like you said you're not going to be able to change your body in 9 weeks but you can change how you perceive yourself. If you meet this guy in your current state- feeling unconfident about your body it's going to shine through. I hate giving you this advice because it's like telling a sick person to just feel better. But in your case it's true you can't change your body right no- only your perspective. So yeah continue working out, getting healthier, and building up your confidence, it's all you can do for now.

 

But are you doing this for him or for you?

 

Doing it for you alone would take away a lot of the pressure.

 

Hey thanks for your lengthy reply!

 

To answer your questions yes he and I live in the same city, so we will be close when I am back. He knows I am coming back in 8-9 weeks. We tentatively have made plans to meet the same week i return. he's gone so far as to offer to let me stay with him while I look for a new apartment but even I am not crazy enough to accept that offer lol. Im staying with friends until i find a new place.

 

But yes we are supposed to meet when I get back, and the pressure is overwhelming.

 

The funny thing is he saw how uncomfortable I got when we spoke about how people can look different in person, and i got very defensive of course saying "oh do you think im secretly 500 pounds and forgot to tell you", and he started pointing out all his own flaws (i guess to make me feel better), and obviously i dont care about any of those because I like him so i dont notice the small stuff. And personality matters most to me-- it makes a person more attractive. I notice his beautiful eyes and not the shape of his nose or some such thing.

 

As for everything else you said-- wow its like its coming from my own mind. I wonder if he'll be happy to show me to his family and friends, to walk around with me, etc.

 

I want to be healthy and fit for myself as well, of course, but obviously I've been lacking in motivation the last few years. I think that the depression I dealt with for a long time definitely had an impact-- i used what little energy I had over the years to make my education and career happen. it took a lot out of me and took over most of my life, and when i wasnt working or studying i had no energy for anything but to cry in bed or feel sorry for myself.

 

I've tried to change lately-- i took this overseas assignment partially to clear my head. Ive been eating better, exercising more, etc. But its a slow process and 50-60 pounds are not going to come off in two months....

 

I think because at one point I was a very attractive person by conventional standards, and its only the last few years I've fallen into this mediocre sort of status that I feel about myself, it's hard for me to manage. I'm still the same person, I can objectively say , hey, I have a pretty face, i have great boobs, i have a good base of an hour glass figure. It's just all a bit bigger than it needs to be at the moment. Some people are comfortable in that skin, but for me its not what i used to be and ive never gotten 100% happy being this way. Im trying to change it just doesnt happen too fast....

 

In the meantime i worry that i'll lose out on someone , which is ridiculous because someone should love you for you, right? But its not reality and attraction plays a role. He tells me he thinks I'm gorgeous but I'm not sure what he sees sometimes. I look in one mirror and I see what I think he means, and then i see myself from another angle and I'm horrified. Sometimes I want to just see the same image in every mirror and I dont know how.

 

And yes. I am not old. He is the same age as me. We are early 30's, hardly ancient or even middle aged. But when I see him with a mid 20's year old willowy blonde? Yeah, it makes me anxious. Even when he tells me he thinks about me infinitely more than he's ever though about her when they first met. But who the hell knows what's real in what he says. Maybe he tells her the same stuff eh?

Edited November 3, 2014 by KismetGirl

[KismetGirl]

You've been overweight for a long time. Too bad you didn't start dieting sooner. You can lose two pounds per week. Cut the calories. Go on the Zone diet or Mediterranean diet, both of which are sustainable as a lifestyle. That way you will eliminate one source of worry. Otherwise I fear you will sabotage this.

 

One reason I try to look my best is so I can concentrate on other things instead. Some people like to focus on weight so they don't have to fix the more important things.

 

It is too bad-- depression is a bitch. I wasted a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and eating crap and not exercising , and here I am. Im trying to change, i really am, but its hard sometimes. Im not some obese hord, mind you, and i venture to guess some people would be happy being the way I am. But i wasn't always this way and so im not , i guess.

[mariekatie]

I'm exactly in the same position as you, well kinda.

I'm by no means fat, but i have meat, especially at my belly area.

It's like a car's spare tyre haha! Well i was ALWAYS worried that my LDR bf wouldn't like what he sees.

I've always had that talk "what if i look different in real life? What if i'm not what you expect?" He always reassure me that he loves me for me, not my size. BUT to my advantage, my guy do not like stick-thin girls.

 

But i'm still insecure, i'll be like "You just haven't met me in real life yet" and he would get "mad". He wants me to see how perfect i am in his eyes but i just can't do it! It's a self esteem issue. But slowly, i've been trying to accept the way i am and start to lose some weight. Not for others, but for MYSELF.

 

If this guy leave you for your size, he's just a jerk, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! I've had online dates left me & commented that i was pretty but FAT. It hurts, it destroyed my self esteem. But i believe one day someone will love me for who i am.

 

Although i still have worries about meeting him, i wouldn't want this issue to get in the way. Being fat, we can lose weight. But being a jerk, it would never change i guess.

 

Don't worry about it! If he doesn't like what he sees, then it's his loss.

Always remember, don't feel sad for yourself, feel sad for him. Because he lost someone who would never had judged him and accepted him as who he is.

Nobody is perfect but i can see you're a nice girl. Good luck!

[KismetGirl]

I think you need to be honest with him about how you look. Stop hiding your body on Skype. It is a risk, but I think it will hurt infinitely more if this thing unravels for essentially the same reason next January.

 

I don't think the fact that he is dating a willowy twig is by itself a red flag. But combined with the side comments here and there, well frankly, yes I would be concerned.

 

Yes thats how i feel.

 

When i got very defensive on skype because of some thing he said about his ex, he started to say he doesnt care what a girl looks like as long as he feels some spark with her and she has something special that draws him in, which he claims i have, but i think he wouldnt keep saying jokes about how you never know if people match in person versus online if he wasnt at least a little worried i wont be exactly as he perceives me now. I want to believe that he's not totally superficial. He's not perfect, no one is , of course. But his current hook-up buddy and some of his exes...wow, they are beautiful.

 

which is odd that i focus on that, because he's cute but he's not gorgeous. I have dated gorgeous men in the past, so logic would dictate he could be as insecure as I am if he saw those pictures too. But i suppose i never think of it that way.

[KismetGirl]

Just one thing: don't have sex with him when you meet him. Take some time to see if he's serious enough with you. Don't be just another notch in his bedpost. It'd be something that will hurt you deeply.

 

This is something ive thought about a lot, yes. Obviously we've had flirtation and sexually motivated conversations at this point at things we'd like to do to each other etc etc

 

It would be difficult to abstain after speaking in such a manner for so long, but i wondered if it wouldnt suit me more to just meet him and go home and see if he comes back afterwards...

[SummerDreams]

I want to say that he may seem like a typical guy who wants a skinny girl, but really this is not how a typical guy behaves. The greatest percentage of women are normal, meaning they are not skinny models. Who dates these girls? The typical guys you are referring to. A man when asked will say that he'd like this or that model, but this man will fall in love with a normal girl in the end.

 

I want to ask you another thing though that has nothing to do with this guy: Why don't you try to date guys where you live at the moment? Why are you stuck with this guy? I will bet my head there will be dozens of guys who will be interested in dating you but you are so preoccupied with this jerk who wants his pie and wants to eat it too that you can't see them. I know we always ask for honesty and this guy seems to be honest with you, but I can't not notice that he sees you as another possible chick and not as something special. I mean, what is he losing hanging out with you? You are a smart woman, you adore him as a god, he has a good time on skype with you and then he goes and has sex with the young chick. In the contrary you lose so much, you give him all your free time, you ruin your heart and mind thinking and worrying about him while he has fun with his in real life girlfriend, on whom by the way he emotionally cheats with you but that's another story. Why are you doing this to yourself?

 

I suggest that you cut him out totally and try to meet new people, have fun the two months you are there, try to fix your self esteem and forget about this jerk who wants it all. Do not accept to be second or third choice for a man, cause this is how he will perceive you as well later. Demand to be someone special and choice number one. Please do this for yourself and I am sure you'll come in here in no time to tell us that you are living the love of your life. Trust me. I was there, I know. Long distance relationships where you haven't even met aren't reality. Stop living in a fantasy world, cause the time you are spending on skype your destiny walks out of your window and you just let it go.

[KismetGirl]

I'm exactly in the same position as you, well kinda.

I'm by no means fat, but i have meat, especially at my belly area.

It's like a car's spare tyre haha! Well i was ALWAYS worried that my LDR bf wouldn't like what he sees.

I've always had that talk "what if i look different in real life? What if i'm not what you expect?" He always reassure me that he loves me for me, not my size. BUT to my advantage, my guy do not like stick-thin girls.

 

But i'm still insecure, i'll be like "You just haven't met me in real life yet" and he would get "mad". He wants me to see how perfect i am in his eyes but i just can't do it! It's a self esteem issue. But slowly, i've been trying to accept the way i am and start to lose some weight. Not for others, but for MYSELF.

 

If this guy leave you for your size, he's just a jerk, you deserve SO MUCH BETTER! I've had online dates left me & commented that i was pretty but FAT. It hurts, it destroyed my self esteem. But i believe one day someone will love me for who i am.

 

Although i still have worries about meeting him, i wouldn't want this issue to get in the way. Being fat, we can lose weight. But being a jerk, it would never change i guess.

 

Don't worry about it! If he doesn't like what he sees, then it's his loss.

Always remember, don't feel sad for yourself, feel sad for him. Because he lost someone who would never had judged him and accepted him as who he is.

Nobody is perfect but i can see you're a nice girl. Good luck!

 

thanks girl, thats really sweet of you to say. I sound like a nutter sometimes on here but unfortunately the Loveshack world sees naught but a small sliver of my extremely anxious moments and not the rest of my life lol.

[mariekatie]

thanks girl, thats really sweet of you to say. I sound like a nutter sometimes on here but unfortunately the Loveshack world sees naught but a small sliver of my extremely anxious moments and not the rest of my life lol.

 

Well we are here to seek advices. Actually we both know our answers, we just need reassurance. I guess my guy will get sick of me feeling insecure one day. But so far he have been very patient with me.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what's your height & weight? I'm pretty overweight but i gained all my weight at the wrong places!!

[KismetGirl]

Well we are here to seek advices. Actually we both know our answers, we just need reassurance. I guess my guy will get sick of me feeling insecure one day. But so far he have been very patient with me.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what's your height & weight? I'm pretty overweight but i gained all my weight at the wrong places!!

 

I wish i could show a picture of myself here to give an idea of what i look like-- i do not look my weight. At all. That much i know. Last time I weighed myself it was around 205 lbs and i am 5'8", however, it's well spread out. I imagine i look more like the 175 mark. When i was looking very thin I was about 145, so maybe i have a heavy frame or something i dont know. I have pretty large breasts, hips, and derriere. Its definitely not all in one place, I am not in any way "round" or apple shaped, i do not have a double chin, i dont have fat arms or a fat face or anything like that. Most of my weight is carried in my chest and from the hips down. I would say my thighs carry a lot of weight, if i had to pick the part of my body i hate the most its my legs at the moment!

 

you know what-- i kind of look like this chick (the one on the right), sort of, except my breasts are a bit larger and i have darker hair instead of blonde, and frankly i think her legs are way nicer than mine but all the models with fat legs i saw also had huge middles and mine isn't huge, but ive got a pooch right now: http://c581023.r23.cf2.rackcdn.com/3fd791be624444a4be3edce41d237177ecffee76_600.jpg

 

guess thats the best i can do for now

Edited November 3, 2014 by KismetGirl

[mariekatie]

I wish i could show a picture of myself here to give an idea of what i look like-- i do not look my weight. At all. That much i know. Last time I weighed myself it was around 205 lbs and i am 5'6", however, it's well spread out. I imagine i look more like the 175 mark. When i was looking very thin I was about 145, so maybe i have a heavy frame or something i dont know. I have pretty large breasts, hips, and derriere. Its definitely not all in one place, I am not in any way "round" or apple shaped, i do not have a double chin, i dont have fat arms or a fat face or anything like that. Most of my weight is carried in my chest and from the hips down. I would say my thighs carry a lot of weight, if i had to pick the part of my body i hate the most its my legs at the moment!

 

you know what-- i kind of look like this chick (the one on the right), sort of, except my breasts are a bit larger and i have darker hair instead of blonde, and frankly i think her legs are way nicer than mine but all the models with fat legs i saw also had huge middles and mine isn't huge, but ive got a pooch right now: http://c581023.r23.cf2.rackcdn.com/3fd791be624444a4be3edce41d237177ecffee76_600.jpg

 

guess thats the best i can do for now

 

 

That isn't fat by all means! I wish i could have a small middle.

I'm 5'7 and weigh 180 pounds. My lowest was 145 though.

For your size, i think many guys would like it. You're more like the hour glass kind. I'm inverted triangle. I'm jealous of your size!

 

I think most guys would care more about the belly and face and it seems like you've no issue on that! Guys like a big butt as well.

I hardly had any meat on my legs and butt. It's all cramped up at my belly and my face, prolly arms as well.

 

Don't worry about it, i'm pretty sure your guy will love it! It's sexy. And you could lose weight easily, as compared to me.

Belly is the hardest to get rid of! And i've a double chin!

[justwhoiam]

It would be difficult to abstain after speaking in such a manner for so long, but i wondered if it wouldnt suit me more to just meet him and go home and see if he comes back afterwards...

Definitely so. Don't throw yourself at him. Don't have sex with him before there's some kind of deal between you two that makes it worth it. You're not the kind for a non-exclusive relationship or FWB.

[KismetGirl]

Definitely so. Don't throw yourself at him. Don't have sex with him before there's some kind of deal between you two that makes it worth it. You're not the kind for a non-exclusive relationship or FWB.

 

I think more than anything I want to make sure he's confident that A) he wants me and b) he officially broke it off with the other girl (s) first

 

Ive been the other woman before, and im never going to be again as far as I can help it.....

 

it'll be difficult, though, if we do get on in person after all that time talking to hold back. Sigh. Assuming he likes me in person.

[KismetGirl]

That isn't fat by all means! I wish i could have a small middle.

I'm 5'7 and weigh 180 pounds. My lowest was 145 though.

For your size, i think many guys would like it. You're more like the hour glass kind. I'm inverted triangle. I'm jealous of your size!

 

I think most guys would care more about the belly and face and it seems like you've no issue on that! Guys like a big butt as well.

I hardly had any meat on my legs and butt. It's all cramped up at my belly and my face, prolly arms as well.

 

Don't worry about it, i'm pretty sure your guy will love it! It's sexy. And you could lose weight easily, as compared to me.

Belly is the hardest to get rid of! And i've a double chin!

 

Ha, i wouldnt say all guys like the same thing by any means and the weight i want to get off isnt going to go easy at any rate....it never does. I think my posts have implied i think im horribly unattractive which is inaccurate....I do think I am attractive in many ways, there are just things about myself at present that im not happy with that i didnt used to have some years ago and that ive been frustrated with. Ive had a couple bad experiences with not-so-nice guys who have left scars mentally that are hard to shake off no matter how many other guys tell me i'm beautiful/sexy/whatever. So when i hear something as potentially innocuous as him making a joke or saying he didnt like his ex's body, i zero in on it and apply it to myself when maybe that particular ex looked nothing like me, or he just didnt like her personality as much and so her overall self wasnt attractive to him in the end. You can look at it from many angles but when im in the middle of feeling massively upset logic goes out the window and i focus neurotically on what i deem are the negatives.

 

There is something special about him, i cant put my finger on it, but I hope that it works out. Im ready for a normal relationship at this point in my life.

[SummerDreams]

 

There is something special about him, i cant put my finger on it, but I hope that it works out. Im ready for a normal relationship at this point in my life.

 

Did you even read what I wrote you?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think that what I find troubling the most is that he is dating someone and hiding you, going to the toilet to talk to you while they are together. That's a pretty deceitful behaviour and shows what he is capable of. I don't think any quality guy would do that.

[justwhoiam]

I want to make sure he's confident that A) he wants me and b) he officially broke it off with the other girl (s) first

That is no indication about anything, really. So he says he wants you and he's not seeing the other girl, and you think "I'm yours!" and that's it? That is very very naive. After all the months of wait, this guy could say whatever to get you in bed. Then, when you're home, he can stop talking to you or say he thought hard and long that he can't have a LDR. We've seen a number of similar cases on here. And broken hearted girls left after sleeping with the guy.

 

it'll be difficult, though, if we do get on in person after all that time talking to hold back. Sigh. Assuming he likes me in person.

If you already know you're just going to be putty in his hands, just meet up for a coffee where nothing too graphic can happen.

 

Just think of this: your future also and greatly depends on you.