I can't give her up because she doesn't love herself

[LustAppeal]

I'm posting this in the long distance section because we are at sort of a long distance apart. It's a three hour drive and we both work long hours with little time off.

 

So at the start of this summer when I recently broke up with now ex I lost allot of respect in women, I began to question the relationships around me, I lost all trust in romantic love, and I began to look for friends with benefits instead of long term partners.

 

This changed when I met this amazing country girl, we started off thinking nothing was going to form. Two months in we slept together and she wasn't ready to have sex after her recent breakup so I insured her there was no rush and that holding her was enough for me.

 

She had a rough childhood and grew up with a verbally abusive father which lowered her self esteem and attracted her towards the wrong kind of men. Her last boyfriend lasted 4 years with a small split during it all(they were serious and lived together), but he was allot like her father and constantly put her down calling her past slutty, and making her regret everything she did.

 

When they broke up she was in the process of healing, and finding herself again. While running from everything she became attached to. This is when she found me, and because we didn't think much of our relationship at the time it was easy for her to stay with me.

 

After all that she was amazed by the type of person I am, the fact that I could wait until she was ready and open up to her so easily, the fact that I was so willing to turn down other women for her and prove to her I had nothing to hide.

 

We dated and tried to take it slow for a few months, but I couldn't resist it and finally we became more intimate; calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I would end up taking every chance I could to go see her and when we did see each other every little thing was so appreciated as we didn't know when we'd see each other again.

 

But yesterday everything went down hill. On our way back from a town she use to live in she began to open up to me. Telling me that she didn't think she was lovable. She's always told me that she didn't deserve a guy as great as me. And she would every now and then ask me why I was with her and not some more attractive girl. It seemed at those points I could always reassure her that she was the one I wanted to be with.

 

She told me last night that I have opened her eyes and made her realize she needs to find herself and learn to love herself. And that she doesn't believe she can do that while in a relationship.

 

I agree with her so much; that she does need to know she's lovable and deserves even a better guy than I am. I told her that there's no doubt in my mind I could find someone more attractive than her, someone who knows how to love themselves as much as they love me, but I don't want that. If I were to spend the rest of my life helping her find herself I'd stand next to her and not regret a single second of it.

 

But she doesn't see it that way, and by the time we finished our talk she came to the decision we needed to break up, for both of us. When I tried to change her mind she kept saying it's what she needs.

 

I know that she needs to love herself first and that if breaking up with me is what made her happy I'd do it in a heartbeat and move on with my life. But she says she still wants to be with me, BUT she needs to find herself before she can love someone else. We both agree a break isn't fair.

 

I believe that sometimes you need to be loved in order to love yourself. That a magic touch from another person can let you know your lovable. But she must not see that and I can't let go of her knowing this is why we broke up.

 

I've tried all night and all morning to come to terms with this, but I know that if I let her go knowing we broke up because she believed she wasn't good enough it will rip me apart.

 

This is the only girl I've ever trusted and I don't know what to do. When it comes to dating I am amazing at it, but this kind of stuff make me feel like I know nothing about love.

 

I swear after last night they could make a movie off our conversations and call it "note book #2." So what is your opinion on this LoveShack community? Do I chase her down in a rain storm and tell her I cant lose her or do I just learn to let her go.

 

Note that I know these are just opinions and I will not base my decision off your answers. I just want to know what most of you would do in this situation. I would do anything for this girl. I'd wait for her if that's what she wants. So thanks allot for reading, I know it was allot to take in. I can answer any questions if need be.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

That is a tough matter... as long as you do not feel that you care out of pitty, and truly care deeply, you must be there for her. Even if she pushes away.

 

As it will make you feel like she does not care, so be strong. The only thing you can do is guide her to professional support and be there for her. If she does not attempt any means to get help, she will not be able to pull herself out of her condition. She needs more than love and support.

 

Being too far like that is not good, if hospital care is needed, she can be moved to a location near you. This way you can visit and show you care and are willing to help her through the processes.

 

The reason I tell you about moving her closer if being medically treated, is you need to keep up with your life and be able to work to support yourself. When she is having medical care, its location does not matter unless specialists are needed.

[amaysngrace]

Give her space. Working on yourself takes so much mental energy, especially when you have a lot to overcome.

 

She opened up to you because she trusts you. That's a positive sign.

 

Leave her be to do what she needs to do for herself right now. Respect her wishes. This isn't about you so stop making it out to be. She loves you. She trusts you.

 

"If you love someone, set them free.

If they come back, they're yours;

if they don't, they never were."

[xUnknown]

She told me last night that I have opened her eyes and made her realize she needs to find herself and learn to love herself. And that she doesn't believe she can do that while in a relationship.

 

I agree with her so much; that she does need to know she's lovable and deserves even a better guy than I am. I told her that there's no doubt in my mind I could find someone more attractive than her, someone who knows how to love themselves as much as they love me, but I don't want that. If I were to spend the rest of my life helping her find herself I'd stand next to her and not regret a single second of it.

 

But she doesn't see it that way, and by the time we finished our talk she came to the decision we needed to break up, for both of us. When I tried to change her mind she kept saying it's what she needs.

 

I feel ya man. We broke up last year for the same reason. She worked on herself and improved greatly. Came back, became official again, then same thing again. She asked for 5 days time to think and process everything. But I believe she wanted to breakup and just needed those 5 days to break up with me.

 

You have to let her go. I want to reach out so bad to tell her how much I love her and want to be there for her. But I can't. I want to more than anything. I'm actually looking for people to tell me to do so...because I want to so bad. You just have to let her figure herself out.

 

 

My thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/496531-well-i-m-back

[justwhoiam]

Dude, I think you messed up.

 

If I had heard this from him:

there's no doubt in my mind I could find someone more attractive than you

I can tell you I would seriously feel like not being up to him. It would have left me feeling inadequate. And no matter what was following after, to the point that my mind would have been trapped in that thought and I would have barely followed what was coming next:

someone who knows how to love themselves as much as they love me

and completely erased anything coming after all that.

 

You see, it's perfectly normal for a woman to know there are women with better looks, prettier. But attraction is something else. It has to do with how you feel about someone. There are people who can be attractive or sexy, although they wouldn't be generally considered beautiful or handsome. Does it make sense?

[LustAppeal]

Dude, I think you messed up.

 

If I had heard this from him:

there's no doubt in my mind I could find someone more attractive than you

I can tell you I would seriously feel like not being up to him. It would have left me feeling inadequate. And no matter what was following after, to the point that my mind would have been trapped in that thought and I would have barely followed what was coming next:

someone who knows how to love themselves as much as they love me

and completely erased anything coming after all that.

 

You see, it's perfectly normal for a woman to know there are women with better looks, prettier. But attraction is something else. It has to do with how you feel about someone. There are people who can be attractive or sexy, although they wouldn't be generally considered beautiful or handsome. Does it make sense?

 

Oh, I never said that to her. I would never say that to the girl I'm dating. She said it and in my mind I knew it. But I know that regardless of how good I could do I wanted her. When she told me that I didn't even agree, I told her "I only wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Point out a girl you think is more attractive than you and I will prove your wrong. You're gorgeous, the only problem is the mirror you look in has been cracked by all the bad relationships you've have had. When you heal you'll see yourself without those cracks and you'll know how deserving you are.

[d0nnivain]

Let me translate something for you.

 

I need to find myself & I can't do that in a relationship means I just realized you are a rebound & I do not want to date you.

[LustAppeal]

Just a heads up. We just talked, and I got the closure I needed to move on. I was so vulnerable yesterday I didn't realize I was making it about myself and today I took that out of the picture.

 

She told me that she thought she could make herself ready for another relationship, but she cannot and if we broke up in a year or so she'd be back to square one. She told me she wants to be with me but not right now.

 

She's moving to my city this April. I told her that knowing she wants to be with me is going to make me wait regardless of it being fair or not. You can't get over someone if you know there's a chance you'll be together in the future. I know that first hand, one thing I specialize in is breaking up and getting over someone. So for now all ties are cut, I'm not giving up on dating, but I am going to wait for her in one way or another. I made sure she knew that if anyone ever hurt her I'd be here not as a rebound, but as guidance. That if I couldn't call her mine at least I can still know she's alright.

 

Ugh, honestly, being cheated on was easier than this...

[d0nnivain]

being cheated on is easier because it's cleaner -- the other person crossed the line & you can't look back.

 

Here she's giving you (false) hope.

[LustAppeal]

So how do I get over her while fighting the thought of us one day being together? I've always been good at getting closure and moving on. This time the closure I got was based around her not being ready for a relationship. I am the type of person to wait, but I know that if I do I'll only be hurting myself.

[d0nnivain]

You tell yourself what will be will be but in the meantime you have to get out there & live your life. You might me a better / more compatible person or you might just be biding your time but I guarantee if all you do is sit around & wait she will never be ready. If you do meet somebody you will no longer care what she wants.