I met a guy on a dating site who lives 600 km from me

[Balance]

Moderation note: Moved this post from a thread on another topic

 

In January 2013 I met a guy on a dating site who lives 600 km from me. We talked every day on skype, I liked him immensely - actually, fell in love with him for the second time in my life (I'm 34, he's 36). He was married for 12 years and got divorced in November (no children). He was going through a deep depression as he lost his job to that divorce. No wife, no job, no routine life he used to have... I tried to cheer him up as much as I could. He seemed sincere and true, said he liked me and that we were soul mates. We really had a lot in common: the same star sign, the same tastes, similar characters, both reserved introvert types. We took it very slow, didn't want to go too fast - him because of his recent painful divorce, me because I didn't want to make a mistake.

In March I went on a skiing trip abroad and we couldn't see each other online, we only exchanged text messages. I have never received so tender and full-of-love messages in my life! He invited me to come and visit him. He suggested different options of how I could come and was obviously waiting for me. When I came back home, I took a couple of days off work to visit him and finally meet him. I never thought I was going to a total stranger, he already became my daily need and my kindred spirit. We met in the end of March and were totally happy for 4 days. He was so good and kind and caring, he spent every minute with me, I felt he was my really long-awaited love. The day I left I cried my heart out. I felt that long-distance relationships are so hard.

 

We talked on skype through April and everything was going fine. He invited me to come in early May and I took a holiday and spent 12 days in his place. Yet, it was a little different that time. I can't say what exactly changed. He was the same good and caring guy but a little low-spirited and melancholy. The day I was leaving I had an uneasy feeling as if I felt that something was wrong. So when I was sitting in his lap I asked if we would meet again. He said "of course" and that he would come to me if he could.

 

He has a mother who lives abroad and comes to visit him every summer and stays with him for a month or so. She came in early June. By the time she arrived we haven't seen each other for a month, and weren't supposed to meet for another month((. We talked though, every day, sometimes for an hour, sometimes - for 2 hours or more. I missed him terribly but realized that he may need time with his mum to discuss his divorce or just spend some time with her (they are very close, I knew that).

 

Since February we developed a kind of routine: he called me during the day and we talked every evening. On 11 July he didn't call - for the first time in months. In the evening when I asked him why, he said he was busy . I asked him not to forget to call me as I was worried and that his calls make me happy and I feel I'm in his life when he calls.

 

On 12-13 July I went out of town on business. He knew I'd be going and asked me to call when I came back on 13 July. In turn, I expected him to call me on 12 July. I thought he might be interested how I got to that place, especially when he knows that I can be nauseous. He didn't. I was in despair. I thought that I had lost him. I didn't call him when I returned. I didn't know what I should say. He used to call me every day and texted and now, all of a sudden, he forgot?.. My world was falling apart, literally.

 

He only called me on 14 July, late at night. We had a long one-hour conversation. He said he expected me to call and he didn't call because he was angry I didn't call him I loved him so much. I still hoped he meant what he said, and that was just a little misunderstanding. On the other hand, I somehow felt he was pulling away.

 

Next day, on 15 July, he texted me saying that his internet was knocked out by a storm (hence, no skype). I replied that I hoped it would be fine by the evening. On 16 July he was not online either. Said that internet was still disabled and he was looking for another internet provider. And we haven't seen each other for 4 days by that time! I was more than unhappy. Last time when I wrote him on skype on 18 July he said that internet would be ok soon.

He didn't contact me from 19 to 21 July. I didn't contact him either. I felt something was wrong, and he didn't want to tell me what it was.

 

On 22 July I received his message saying that he had wanted to work things out by himself... that his wife returned to him... she had nowhere to live... that they weren't divorced officially... that we couldn't see each other or contact each other... and thanked me for everything I did.

 

Guys, you never know how I felt... I thought I would die, I was shaken to the core, it hurt so much! Still does. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't talk to my friends, I was like a zombie who lives but has no purpose in life.

 

I never responded to his message. I never tried to call or contact him. Yet, I found in couple of days that he blocked me everywhere online - FB, skype and, I suppose, phone:rolleyes: as if I stalked him!

 

I had the most terrible month of my life. I couldn't believe he accepted his wife! I blamed his mum who might have told him to reconcile with her... I blamed her for coming back to him... I was going crazy and literally had to save my life.

 

To heal, I registered on the same dating site where I met him. Now I have over 300 men in the "ignored people" folder as I just can't like anyone but him.

 

Now guess what? On 26 August I found him online on this same dating site! He claimed he was "single, looking for a relationship". I went on to see his profile. Of course, he noticed and deleted it the next day. Now he's signed up to another dating site.

 

I feel I can't trust men any more. After a month of NC I realize he might never come back or even contact me.

 

What I really want to know is WHY:

1) he spent so much time of his life with me if he didn't take it seriously?

2) he lied about his wife coming back if he is on a dating site? to soften the blow?

3) he fell out of love with me (well, he never said he loved me, I did) I mean why did he string me along like that?

 

Guys, any thoughts on that? Can't get that man's kind of thinking... Thank you all in advance!

 

Balance

Edited September 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Balance]

Dear Moderator,

the topic is not about LDR, it's more about Breakups and Coping. Please move it there.

Many thanks!

Balance

[HappyLove]

Wow, so sorry you went through this! It doesn't matter why, this guy is a cheating liar, good riddance! I hope you meet a man close to you who truly respects and cares for you. I don't know how people can torture others like this. Never contact this lying jerk again!

[CarrieT]

It is entirely possible that he and his wife were never really divorced or separated and that he is online to find an affair partner.

 

Your best bet is to only limit yourself to talking to guys that are close and available to you that you can arrange to meet IMMEDIATELY.

 

I've had this happen to me more than once... I would hazard to guess that 60% to 70% of the guys on OLD are - in fact - married. Caveat emptor.

 

However, it IS possible to find available guys online. I found my fiance there, but it took engaging in conversation with hundreds of guys (I'm serious; in two years, I started over 200 conversations with potentials) and going on 50+ coffee meet-and-greets.

[FitChick]

Perfect example of why you shouldn't get involved with someone who hasn't been divorced for at least two years.

 

Besides, you never met him. Could have all been fake. I don't see why you shouldn't trust other men. They didn't lie to you. Only this one did. Pick someone better next time.

[Balance]

HappyLove, thanks for your reply!

If I haven't contacted him yet, why on earth should I?)

Still, it hurts as he hasn't even given me any "I don't think we should be together" or at least "Sorry, but I don't love you" or stuff like that. He merely lied to me. And it hurts. And this is something I do not deserve.

[Balance]

CarrieT, I think you got me here:)

I'm 34 and find it very difficult to actually like someone. My previous relationship was four years ago. Took me a year to dust off and heal. Then - nothing happened for three years. Then I met this guy. I was really really happy to have found him! He was real - I dreamed about him all my life - I saw him in my dreams - he was exactly what I needed - he was my everything.

Yes, I rarely fall in love. But when I do - the world sinks...

I do not want to diminish that guy despite his past behaviour. He's a very talented musician. I don't think that swearing off a man because he's been bad/unfair to you is the right thing to do. It doesn't help either.

But moving on is hard. And finding someone better/ or at least his equal is even harder.

And I'm saying it not because it still hurts.

[Balance]

FitChick, you haven't finish reading my post, I think, because we did meet and it was wonderful...

Besides, how can one tell if a guy "has been divorced for at least two years"? What was I supposed to say - "Show me your passport, I want to see if you're really divorced"?

Love is about trust in the first place - at least for me. When love fails, so does trust. Hence I find it difficult to trust other guys now. Period.

[FitChick]

Marriage, divorce, birth and death records are all public. Some databases let you see who lives at the same address. Google.

[ThisGal]

Do you really need to ask the question why?? I mean, come on, it's quite obvious "why" he did all this. For sex. Clearly! Sorry you had to experience this though, how horrible.

 

He pretends to be single (maybe he is) but he's definitely not looking for anything serious. He's one of these men on the Internet that looks for vulnerable women to take advantage of. It's crazy because these type of men will be persistent, have what seems like deep interest, communication will be good, etc but it's all a fake. He was never interested, he just had one thing in mind. He knew you were looking for love and decided to use you. You got suckered. Unfortunately.

 

Let me ask you this, who paid for these traveling expenses? Your flight to see him?

 

Either way, you were duped. This 'man' (and I use the term lightly) planned this all along, he goes on numerous dating sites, scavenges women who are seeking something genuine, tells these women a sob story (being divorced and taking things "slow" since he is boohoo so, so sad and I bet you he blamed his supposed ex wife for the marriage failing) and takes advantage of them/has sex with them, have her fly to him, makes them believe he's sincere and serious about a potential relationship then moves on to his next 'victim.' Watch out for men like this. Don't blame his ex, his mother or anyone, all of it was a sham, all his stories may have been fake. He rudely blocked you on all social networking sites, dating sites, as well as his phone and his life. It's obvious what his agenda is. Why else would he quickly delete his profile after he noticed you viewed it. He's a sex predator. yuck He decided to end this charade because it became too much for him to handle because he knew you wanted something serious and was in love with him while he just wanted to get what he could from you and move on to another woman to use. He's a liar, a phony. Don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

 

P.S. never fly out to meet a man during the first visit, have him come to you, it's a little safer that way. As a woman you should not have gone out to an unfamiliar place, it's not smart.

 

Btw, you're only 34, you're young. Do not let society make you feel like crap for not being married/settled by now, go at your own pace. I hope you meet a great man. Stop wondering about this pig and move on with your life. He's not worth thinking about. You'll be fine.

Edited September 4, 2013 by ThisGal

[Balance]

ThisGal, thanks for such a lengthy reply and your sympathy.

 

Yes, I do want to know the answer to all my whys. I wish I could honestly ask him that now that my head is cold (I'm not going to, of course).

 

Along with sex, we did have many things in common, things one doesn't often feel or share with others, especially online nobodies. He liked me immensely - at least in the beginning - I know that. It was not just about sex. I'm not a teenager, so I know what I'm saying. Something died - on his part, that's all. I'd like to know why it happened at least to avoid such situations (or whatever it was) in the future.

 

He didn't pretend to be single. He was. I stayed with him for a few days both times I visited and we talked on skype every day for hours. He didn't have anybody but me - back then, of course.

 

As to your question regarding travelling expenses... ))) I went to see him, so I paid. Besides, I have a good job, and he doesn't. He lost his job along with his ex wife (they had a joint business together).

 

Yet, he never blamed her for the ruined marriage, just said that both were guilty (which is the case in every relationship) and I agree. So it's not that simple.

 

Yes, I feel duped. I feel sorry. The guy I fell for has cut me off. And I'd like to know why. For the recoed. Just wondering...

[barky2]

Hey I read thru it, and I have to agree with most comments already but I'll give you my 2cents.

 

 

I think this guy is toxic.

 

He is a liar, perpetual liar.

 

I feel you were his out, a ego boost and someone who picked him up.

 

You were way more vested then he was.

 

I've never been in a ldr...so I don't know the complications with it.

 

I think its time to close the chapter on this guy.

 

The reason you can't seem to click with someone else or even be interested is because, your still attached.

 

You need time to heal and take time for yourself to truly get over the whole situation before you branch out.

 

If not it will end horribly and you'll be much more hurt .

 

Take the time needed.

 

Take a breath, take care of yourself for a little while.

 

You can bandaid the pain, but like a bandaid in water, it will fall off

 

So heal the wound completely before trying to start something new.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[ThisGal]

My replies to you are in bold.

 

It was not just about sex. I'm not a teenager, so I know what I'm saying. Keep telling yourself this, maybe one day you'll believe it I refuse to believe you're this naive. He just wanted sex, he got it then discarded you. It is what it is. Just accept the truth and move forward. If I am wrong then let me know when he contacts you on his own will and I will eat my words.

 

He didn't pretend to be single. He was. I stayed with him for a few days both times I visited and we talked on skype every day for hours. He didn't have anybody but me - back then, of course. "Single" as in he is not a married man, however, I'm pretty sure he was communicating with multiple women and not just you. Hence his sudden appearance on the same site again under a new profile after he had ignored you; he was looking for another woman to deceive, he's a predator looking for his next prey.

 

As to your question regarding travelling expenses... ))) I went to see him, so I paid. Well you seeing him benefited him also. He should have contributed something, a little something is better than nothing, even if he is without a job, somehow he's able to feed the hole in his face.

 

Yes, I feel duped. I feel sorry. The guy I fell for has cut me off. And I'd like to know why. For the recoed. Just wondering...Stop wondering, what good will it do?... Move on with your life.

 

I'm done responding to this thread. We have all made foolish decisions, you need to take this as a lesson learned and move forward. I wish you the best.

Edited September 7, 2013 by ThisGal

[Balance]

Barky, thank you for your reply.

 

Very straightforward and honest, as I said.

 

"Time to close the chapter on this guy"? I already have. There are days when I don't even give him a thought. I have moved on, scheduled a long holiday for myself, been out a few times:)

 

It's not that I want him, I'd like to know the reasons why a person can act like that. But may be I'll never know. May be I'm not supposed to know. We never know what drives people to do what they do.

 

Thanks again:)

[Balance]

ThisGal, thank you!

 

A bit too cynical but very eye-opening reply. Lesson learned. Thanks for the input)

[justwhoiam]

So, to sum it up:

 

- he was unofficially separated, didn't have a job, but kept the house

- it was only you flying to him and paying for everything

- his mom had to visit him and he went MIA for days

- a storm knocked out his Internet connection, but he didn't call you instead, and he went sort of MIA for days

 

There's a field of red flags as big as as Texas there. He was rotating ladies...

[Balance]

justwhoiam,

 

I don't know whether he was divorced, or unofficially separated. He said he was divorced but who knows? Or who cares (now that so much time has passed)? I forced myself to stop obsessing about him and live my own life.

 

I also believe his internet was ok all the time. He just took a week or so to think it over a little before breaking up with me.

 

When I think how much I trusted him, I feel awful) Well, we all make mistakes...

[justwhoiam]

I feel for you. He's a mean jerk to say the least.

He should have looked for women on craig's list just for hook ups and sex, and not a caring woman falling in love with him and giving him all she could... That's so mean and horrible.

 

Of course, the feeling couldn't be the same, and I guess there's a lot of trash probably ready for hook ups and he was looking for something else... the thrill and the ego boost...

[Balance]

I guess it was all my fault. I shouldn't have trusted him so much, I shouldn't have said "I love you" first, I shouldn't have given him my heart that early in a relationship.

 

I just believe you do what you feel is right. Back then, everything I did felt so right that I don't regret it even now. Except that I was moving faster than him)

 

Lesson learned, as I said.

 

Whoever is going to read this, don't rush into a relationship, give it some time, and let a guy do the job for you... Even if you have more than 600 km between you two...