Long distance dilemma

[mandylev]

Hey everyone

So I have been with my boyfriend for about 11 months now and we just became long distance almost a month ago because he moved. We generally have had a very rocky relationship. As our relationship progressed as we lived in the same area, I felt he wasn't proioritizing me at all... he was going out with his friends drinking etc and he would plan something with me maybe once or twice a week... its like he had to "book " time off to see me and he would rarely ever take me out, it would always be me driving to his apartment. I felt upset about this and He in turn said I was nagging him and being to needy etc.... we had several fights about this issue. He had said he wanted to meet my parents (theyre conservative so it would be something serious) yet the 9 months we were together he managed to always dodge it which also caused problems between us. Anyway, recently when we were still together I snooped (yes I know I shouldnt) through his texts and saw how through the time we were together he would invite his friends to parties where "girls were waiting for them". Also saw pictures of him at a sauna close to and hugging some chick in a bikini. Saw him texting his friend telling him "Ill hang out with my girl today to get her off my back for a while" etcc.. and Im pretty sure he cheated.

 

He insists he loves me and would never cheat etc... gave me this necklace he had worn for years, introduced me to his family etc and I pretended to believe him... Now we are very far (4 hour plane ride) and hes not communicating with me much at all he will maybe call me for 5-10 minutes then have to go because of his work etc... I still have major suspicions he might be cheating but no evidence. He says he still loves me everything is great we are fine but I am miserable. I love him but I am depressed and feel this will never be what I expected it to be. I dont know what to do... and I tell myself to not talk to him but I always end up calling him and I get weak for his words.

 

I feel when I tell him my worries he labels me as being paranoid, needy etc... saying I need to work on myself. This has been an ongoing cycle and its not better now that we are LD. He says we will be together and he was talking to me about our future today and I believe him when he tells me but then I think about it and I dont believe any of it.

 

I really dont know what to do but this is breaking my heart

Edited August 28, 2013 by mandylev

[TMichaels]

He says we will be together and he was talking to me about our future today and I believe him when he tells me but then I think about it and I dont believe any of it.

 

AKA "telling you what he thinks you want to hear" so he can treat you like sh|t and keep you off his @ss.

 

I feel when I tell him my worries he labels me as being paranoid, needy etc... saying I need to work on myself. This has been an ongoing cycle and its not better now that we are LD.

 

I really dont know what to do but this is breaking my heart

 

Here's a novel idea. Cut all contact with him and if/when he manages to track you down and wants to know what's going on...

 

Tell him you took his advice as in "you've been doing a lot of work on yourself and in the process realized you deserve and can do better in the boyfriend department, so you're done being treated like a doormat by him, and have moved on."

 

Then, never let him darken your door ever again. You *do* deserve better mandylev, and he's not ready, willing or able to give you that no matter what he says.

 

Your gut is right. He's a liar, a cheater, and an egotistical/immature jerk. He doesn't deserve one more minute of your time. So "put on your big girl panties," quit pining over this loser, and get on with your life.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[justwhoiam]

And let him know you had read his texts........... so no need to make up stories anymore.

[Treasa]

AKA "telling you what he thinks you want to hear" so he can treat you like sh|t and keep you off his @ss.

 

 

 

Here's a novel idea. Cut all contact with him and if/when he manages to track you down and wants to know what's going on...

 

Tell him you took his advice as in "you've been doing a lot of work on yourself and in the process realized you deserve and can do better in the boyfriend department, so you're done being treated like a doormat by him, and have moved on."

 

Then, never let him darken your door ever again. You *do* deserve better mandylev, and he's not ready, willing or able to give you that no matter what he says.

 

Your gut is right. He's a liar, a cheater, and an egotistical/immature jerk. He doesn't deserve one more minute of your time. So "put on your big girl panties," quit pining over this loser, and get on with your life.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

THISTHISTHISTHISTHISTHIS.

 

I've been in your shoes. PLEASE do what TMichaels said to do. Plus it saved me some typing.

[stayygoldd]

Me and my boyfriend just became ldr like you and hes a 5hr plane ride away (hawaii, im in cali) and honestly It not easy to deal with this. & you shouldnt feel like he is ignoring you. My bf calls me everynight, we text all day and facetime. He is doing a great job to comfort me as he is away on college. You need to be honest with him and tell him that if he really loves you he will make the time to comfort you. Honestly as a girl we have more emotions and they need to understand that. A simple i love you wont do, even if the do mean it. He needs to be there when you feel depressed, and tell you everything is worth it at the end. I think you should let him be, if he doesnt make the effort to try and talk to you. LEAVE. you are better off finding someone who cares for you. Im not saying he doesnt love you or he is cheating on you, but you need to put your feelings first. good luck

[mandylev]

Thank you for the advice. It is very very hard for me, this is my first relationship and I had hoped we would get engaged and have a future. I am still attached and emmotionally it is very hard but I do not think he is being true to me.

[CA2TN4Love]

Because he's not. Long distance magnifies the good and the bad in your relationship. The good is magnified when two people mutually work towards the common goal of nurturing the relationship the best way they can, through communication. Your boyfriend is seriously lacking in this department. Rather than nurturing, he's neglecting. This shouldn't be a surprise considering that he was neglectful of you while you were in the same city. This is how the bad in a relationship is magnified, when one person fails to love and support the other.

 

I'm not going to advise you to work things out with him. He sounds like a shmuck! This is your first relationship, but it certainly won't be your last. Take the time he's so neglectfully given you and work on your self esteem. When you feel good about yourself, you won't put up with this lousy behavior and you'll attract someone who will love, nurture and cherish you, which you absolutely deserve.