BF of 2 months is leaving for 6 months. How to proceed?

[lamaga]

Dated for almost 2 months now.

Boyfriend was gonna go back to his country in a few months.

Had appointment with immigration this week - his visa extension request has been denied.

Now he's leaving in a few weeks.

Not coming back until January.

 

Our relationship has developed intensely in the past few weeks, and right now we have established that we both have severe feelings for each other. The word "love" has not escaped our lips, but either one of us is bound to make a statement within the next few days, I think.. at least a confession of 'deeper feelings', I think I am planning to say something soon.

 

Now, we've vaguely talked about what we're gonna do when he leaves.

We both don't want a LDR - neither of us has the energy right now, since we are both academics and very, very busy.

He will be finishing his dissertation in December and plans on moving back here in January, granted he finds a job here.

 

I feel like if we'd have more time to spend together, we'd be in a better position as to how to proceed with this.

 

I am scared we will be in touch in the beginning and then it'll fizzle out, since we don't label anything and so there is no responsibility like in a 'normal relationship'. But I feel that if we decide that we stay together and go long distance, that it will be too much pressure and perhaps one of us will get hurt in the end either way.

 

What is the best thing to do here?

I am clueless as to what I really want.

I know I want to be with him, but I am OK with waiting.

Of course, one will never know what will happen, we both could meet other people in the meantime... but at the same time, I know we both are aware that we are very compatible and if this DISTANCE thing wouldn't be a problem, we'd be starting to build something solid right away.

 

Any advice from people who went through something similar?

[jphcbpa]

Hey, it is for a short while (in the grand scheme of things) and not forever....it will go by fast. If you guys can make it through this, then you can make it and it was meant to be.

[HeavenOrHell]

It would only be LD for 6 months though, (as long as he finds a job) so you wouldn't really be deciding to go LD long term.

6 months is really nothing in the big scheme of things, so if you want to make it work I'm sure you will, it would be different if it were a year or longer knowing you have little time to put into a LDR. 6 months though will fly by especially as you are both so busy.

Hard though I'm sure as you've only been together 2 months and could have done with longer together to see how things went.

I think time will tell what your feelings for each other are, things will only fizzle out if one or both of you doesn't make the effort to keep things going.

 

 

Dated for almost 2 months now.

Boyfriend was gonna go back to his country in a few months.

Had appointment with immigration this week - his visa extension request has been denied.

Now he's leaving in a few weeks.

Not coming back until January.

 

Our relationship has developed intensely in the past few weeks, and right now we have established that we both have severe feelings for each other. The word "love" has not escaped our lips, but either one of us is bound to make a statement within the next few days, I think.. at least a confession of 'deeper feelings', I think I am planning to say something soon.

 

Now, we've vaguely talked about what we're gonna do when he leaves.

We both don't want a LDR - neither of us has the energy right now, since we are both academics and very, very busy.

He will be finishing his dissertation in December and plans on moving back here in January, granted he finds a job here.

 

I feel like if we'd have more time to spend together, we'd be in a better position as to how to proceed with this.

 

I am scared we will be in touch in the beginning and then it'll fizzle out, since we don't label anything and so there is no responsibility like in a 'normal relationship'. But I feel that if we decide that we stay together and go long distance, that it will be too much pressure and perhaps one of us will get hurt in the end either way.

 

What is the best thing to do here?

I am clueless as to what I really want.

I know I want to be with him, but I am OK with waiting.

Of course, one will never know what will happen, we both could meet other people in the meantime... but at the same time, I know we both are aware that we are very compatible and if this DISTANCE thing wouldn't be a problem, we'd be starting to build something solid right away.

 

Any advice from people who went through something similar?

[amkxoxo]

I am going through a similar experience now and trust me its super hard. We went into it without a label and on my end I feel like we're struggling. From what you have said, it seems that you have good building blocks for an LDR. Don't get me wrong, it fizzles out, it always does, but just know the feelings you have for him are worth it. You know when he will be back so until then you can talk and have something to look forward to. Thats key in a long distance relationship is looking forward to the next time you are going to see them. I don't have this, because we don't know when we are going to see each other and it puts a strain on things. Its easy to fall into the "friend" zone in an LDR, so putting in effort to keep the spark alive is key. I wish you good luck, but if I were you I would want a commitment before he leaves.

[Els]

Urgh, immigration.

 

My initial reaction is that 6 months would be 'nothing' - but yeah, 6 months when you have only been together for a short time would be hard. Mostly because you don't know the person all that well yet, so the 'foundation' that carries LD couples through might be a little shaky. On the other hand, you have the benefit of having your honeymoon period coincide with LDR, which helps to a degree!

 

Depending on what sort of 'energy' you are talking about, LDRs (for me) technically consumed less time than an in-person R. But it did drain me emotionally.

[lamaga]

Mh, well, to be honest, I just think that the moment he will be gone it will hit me like crazy and I will miss him more than I probably am expecting right now. I am saying this because I know myself, and even though I don't really know him THAT well yet, I think for him it could be similar. So, yeah, I'd much rather would like to put a label on it NOW, because I would love to commit to him on the one hand, since I know I have feelings for him and since I AM IN THE PROCESS of falling in LOVE with him!! I don't know if he is going through the same process but from experience with men and their actions and stuff, I'd say, we are on the same page, just both too shy to speak up, and we are both pretending to be super tough on the whole issue, like "Yeah, let's just see what happens in the next 6 months, I mean, we can keep in touch, and maybe we will see each other again and be together again"... when actually... I much rather would like to commit now and carry on when he comes back.

[Nerona]

Hey lamaga,

 

I've been in nearly the same situation as you are now. I met my bf at the end of August, we fell for each other very quickly and spent two emotionally intense months together before he would have to leave. Plan was he would return in January but he didn't get a scholarship so he has been looking for an opportunity to earn money all the time since back in his homeland. Haven't seen him since 27th of October.

 

Yet, we definitely were committed to each other, we knew we love each other at that moment (and had already said that a lots of times - but that's a matter of us two being very emotional ). Although, at the other hand, we didn't know if our love already was strong enough to survive even the expected "only" 2-3 months separation. And we talked about it, making it clear that we couldn't expect anything secure from future. But, as you, we did feel a very strong compatibility so we wanted to try at least. And we still continue struggling for our love.

 

Well, it really is hard especially as you don't know each other that well. You have to be able and willing to bring up an enormous amount of trust for the other person - accepting many reactions or situations you really don't quite understand, maybe, but simply having to ignore them (or to openly talk about them). That also means to be able to deal with criticism (often).

I am feeling that especially the (dis)similarity of culture/economic situations really has a big impact on that topic. I don't know where you two do come from but the further apart your countries are (in meaning of distance and culture) the harder it will be as you won't be able to imagine his daily life back home or to understand or foresee problems that may arise - so you have to trust him and simply accept his explanations (without ever knowing if they are true).

 

It's also an issue if you will be able to visit each other? I mean, 6 months is a really hard time. One of the major challenges I had actually was the physical part. Yeah, I still was in that "honeymoon phase" as Elswyth called it when my bf left and I'm not feeling that this was making it any easier. Because I really went crazy not being able to express my love by kissing him, caressing him etc.

I've got no idea how far you've come till now but I consider you talk about two things if you should decide to go on:

how do you want to keep in touch?

- does he have any (technical/economic) limitations back in his home country that you should be aware of?

- what are your/his expectations? how often do you want to communicate?

- do you have time difference? (because that's actually complicating it a whole lot! --> then you should also talk about exact times so that you won't have to sacrifice half of your night)

- e.g. in an "emergency" - how long can you bear not hearing from him? talk about possibilities how to contact each other when your usual ways of communication don't work.

 

how do you want to live out your sexuality?

- what are your needs on either side?

- what do you feel able to do (phone, video, mails, ...)? what are you afraid of/what do you think too embarrassing to do?

Maybe you can also try out some things now while being together and being able to laugh about each other's insecurities so you won't feel that exposed when you're getting sexual while being far from each other.

 

I know it may feel awkward to talk about that at a stage that early in your relationship. At least I did feel like that and didn't dare to address the topic. But with the distance it became more difficult to talk about sex and we, actually, haven't really found a solid solution till today.

 

Of course, these points always depend on your personalities so it's just what I have experienced and by no means universal. You should only see them as inspirational source

Edited June 14, 2013 by Nerona

[justwhoiam]

Our relationship has developed intensely in the past few weeks, and right now we have established that we both have severe feelings for each other.

You meant serious feelings? Anyway, what relationship are we talking about? FWB?

 

Now, we've vaguely talked about what we're gonna do when he leaves.

We both don't want a LDR

...

I am scared we will be in touch in the beginning and then it'll fizzle out, since we don't label anything and so there is no responsibility like in a 'normal relationship'. But I feel that if we decide that we stay together and go long distance, that it will be too much pressure and perhaps one of us will get hurt in the end either way.

 

What is the best thing to do here?

He doesn't want a LDR, but you are wondering if it's not worth a try. At this point, no, it's not worth it, because he doesn't want it. So leave him alone. He didn't express any will to build a relationship with you.

 

I am clueless as to what I really want.

I know I want to be with him, but I am OK with waiting.

You could go through a LDR, even if that means a bit of stress. But he let you know he's not interested. It's a no brainer.

 

Start detaching yourself from him. If he's going to be bothered, maybe he'll start thinking if it's worth a try... instead of losing you.

 

If you BOTH decide to go LD, you both need to be committed, or it'll be high drama and pain (and yes, it'll fizzle out). But don't suggest it. It must start from him, at this point.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't agree it always fizzles out, it's never fizzled out for me and my partner in over 3 years, the spark has never gone away, we've had our ups and downs, but that's not the same as fizzling out.

 

 

I am going through a similar experience now and trust me its super hard. We went into it without a label and on my end I feel like we're struggling. From what you have said, it seems that you have good building blocks for an LDR. Don't get me wrong, it fizzles out, it always does, but just know the feelings you have for him are worth it. You know when he will be back so until then you can talk and have something to look forward to. Thats key in a long distance relationship is looking forward to the next time you are going to see them. I don't have this, because we don't know when we are going to see each other and it puts a strain on things. Its easy to fall into the "friend" zone in an LDR, so putting in effort to keep the spark alive is key. I wish you good luck, but if I were you I would want a commitment before he leaves.

[lamaga]

You meant serious feelings? Anyway, what relationship are we talking about? FWB?

 

He doesn't want a LDR, but you are wondering if it's not worth a try. At this point, no, it's not worth it, because he doesn't want it. So leave him alone. He didn't express any will to build a relationship with you.

 

You could go through a LDR, even if that means a bit of stress. But he let you know he's not interested. It's a no brainer.

 

Start detaching yourself from him. If he's going to be bothered, maybe he'll start thinking if it's worth a try... instead of losing you.

 

If you BOTH decide to go LD, you both need to be committed, or it'll be high drama and pain (and yes, it'll fizzle out). But don't suggest it. It must start from him, at this point.

 

We are not friends with benefits, we are dating, getting to know each other, and we are exclusive. We would be going further steps but since he is leaving soon we've both been restrained at times.

We talk about these things, since we find communication important and both are very honest people.

 

When we talked about LDR we both said that it would be difficult, with me mentioning it FIRST, since I will be moving to another city and he will be in a different country... so we will be very far away for 6 months..

He then agreed with me, but he said that he wanted to come back soon and was hoping we could build something then, and I said I was hoping so too.

 

That's why I am a bit confused, since I, at that moment, was NOT completely honest with what I wanted, I just wasn't assertive enough, which is USUALLY my strength, but with him I have been, as I said, restrained at times.

He has problems with assertiveness as well, so sometimes I think we both just don't say what we really want to say in fear of what we might get as an answer...

 

[Nerona]

And as to answer your major question: yes, I suppose you should commit to each other if you feel like it. A LDR is a huge strain emotionally - and you shouldn't go for that if you're not feeling like it's worth it and like you really want to spend your future with that person (of course, though: it's always allowed to have doubts! Not talking about that. I'm having doubts regularly still about if this is all worth the risk after that short time we had together. But deep in my heart I know I love him and that's what's keeping me upright).

 

Also, I think that putting a lable on it strengthens the connection between you two. And gives you the "right" to complain - and you will have to complain sometimes as I suppose you still haven't harmonized your styles of managing a relationship. So, sometimes you may have needs he does not recognize. As his girlfriend you have the right (and obligation, as I see it) to tell him. Otherwise, it won't work on a long term.

 

Though I've got a friend that went abroad for 6 months and just before going there got intimate with a friend he had already known for 10 years. They didn't commit but kept in touch a lot, she visited him 3 times and at the end of his stay abroad they decided it was worth it and started their relationship.

But I suppose you're already more emotionally involved after 2 months so that wouldn't work for you now.

[Star Gazer]

This relationship hasn't been a stable one since it began. I'd take some time to seriously reflect whether you want to put your romantic future on hold for him...

[Nerona]

When we talked about LDR we both said that it would be difficult, with me mentioning it FIRST. He then agreed with me, but he said that he wanted to come back soon and was hoping we could build something then, and I said I was hoping so too.

 

That's why I am a bit confused, since I, at that moment, was NOT completely honest with what I wanted, I just wasn't assertive enough, which is USUALLY my strength, but with him I have been, as I said, restrained at times.

He has problems with assertiveness as well, so sometimes I think we both just don't say what we really want to say in fear of what we might get as an answer...

 

Did you think about writing him, instead?

By the way, what do you have to lose? If he says he doesn't feel strong enough for a LDR right now you still can agree on keeping in touch and connecting when he returns. That's the worst answer you can get at this point, isn't it, and that still is better than nothing.

[amkxoxo]

I don't agree it always fizzles out, it's never fizzled out for me and my partner in over 3 years, the spark has never gone away, we've had our ups and downs, but that's not the same as fizzling out.

 

 

I didn't mean it always fizzles out. But if they go into it not commited with no title and don't see each other for six months...its bound to. To make long distance work is mutual commitment, and being able to see each other once in a while. It also sounds like he is afraid. Same with my guy. He told me he was afraid it would fail, so we went into it just "dating". Sounds like the same situation here. I wish her goodluck.

[lamaga]

how do you want to keep in touch?

- does he have any (technical/economic) limitations back in his home country that you should be aware of?

- what are your/his expectations? how often do you want to communicate?

- do you have time difference? (because that's actually complicating it a whole lot! --> then you should also talk about exact times so that you won't have to sacrifice half of your night)

- e.g. in an "emergency" - how long can you bear not hearing from him? talk about possibilities how to contact each other when your usual ways of communication don't work.

 

how do you want to live out your sexuality?

- what are your needs on either side?

- what do you feel able to do (phone, video, mails, ...)? what are you afraid of/what do you think too embarrassing to do?

Maybe you can also try out some things now while being together and being able to laugh about each other's insecurities so you won't feel that exposed when you're getting sexual while being far from each other.

 

 

Nerona, thank you for your long and kind detailed response.

I live in Germany, he lives in the US (East coast), but I am moving to the Netherlands in 2 months.

 

He (jokingly?) checked jobs at my future university a few weeks back and I thought it was cute - and honestly, I think maybe he is even thinking about it...

 

I want to be with him very badly and I wish I had a clue as to how to approach this with him...

Our sex life is awesome, he told me it's the best sex he ever had. And I feel a big connection with him on an emotional and intellectual level, like I never felt before with anybody - and yes, before people doubt my age or experience, I've been in love before, I've been in long distance relationships and I've lived with s/o's etc.

I am very independent and I think a LDR wouldn't be SO BAD for me, since I like to live my own life and concentrate on my studies and everything, so don't feel the need to talk 'every day' etc. Then again, even since we started dating he gets in touch EVERY DAY, even when it's just "Hi, just wanted to say hi and wish you a good night" or something like that, which I am happy about, but I would be also ok if we wouldn't talk everyday, which I am not sure he is.

in Short: I don't know how he goes about a LDR and what he would need and want and if we are on the same page when it comes to NEEDS.

 

I think it's just that we don't talk about this and I am scared to tell him what I really want.

 

...

Edited June 14, 2013 by lamaga

[justwhoiam]

we find communication important

...

When we talked about LDR we both said that it would be difficult, with me mentioning it FIRST

...

I, at that moment, was NOT completely honest with what I wanted

...

He has problems with assertiveness as well

...

I think we both just don't say what we really want to say in fear of what we might get as an answer...

Your communication needs a lot of improvement. You thought you were being honest with him, but you were not honest. And you can't assume he's not saying things to look cool just like you do.

 

And again, don't throw at him all your current feelings for him to try to keep him. It now must start from him. That's what I think. Or it's going to start in a bad way. With lots of communication issues too.

[Nerona]

I totally agree with justwhoiam on that communication issue. But it's never too late to improve communication and to work on that.

 

And again, don't throw at him all your current feelings for him to try to keep him. It now must start from him. That's what I think. Or it's going to start in a bad way.

 

I know I'm kind of naive, optimistic and young but I don't quite agree with that. There are persons that are very shy, insecure and afraid of being hurt when opening up. And it seems as if he is such a person. So even if he really would like to try a LDR with lamaga he might not feel able to bring it up (maybe because he feels he's not worth it, too).

I know how that feels.

It could also be that he as a man would feel responsable for taking her into a LDR and hurting her (because a LDR always does hurt some time). And that he doesn't want that or doesn't feel he's up to that responsibility.

 

So if he really is near your heart, lamaga, I suppose you have to swallow your anxiety and go for it!

And actually, to me it seems to be a good sign he already has been looking for jobs at your university. Maybe he's not planning to go there (and you shouldn't expect it) but it shows a willingness to be with you (or to consider it), at least. That's not a bad sign

Edited June 14, 2013 by Nerona

[lamaga]

I totally agree with justwhoiam on that communication issue. But it's never too late to improve communication and to work on that.

 

 

 

I know I'm kind of naive, optimistic and young but I don't quite agree with that. There are persons that are very shy, insecure and afraid of being hurt when opening up. And it seems as if he is such a person. So even if he really would like to try a LDR with lamaga he might not feel able to bring it up (maybe because he feels he's not worth it, too).

I know how that feels.

It could also be that he as a man would feel responsable for taking her into a LDR and hurting her (because a LDR always does hurt some time). And that he doesn't want that or doesn't feel he's up to that responsibility.

 

So if he really is near your heart, lamaga, I suppose you have to swallow your anxiety and go for it!

And actually, to me it seems to be a good sign he already has been looking for jobs at your university. Maybe he's not planning to go there (and you shouldn't expect it) but it shows a willingness to be with you (or to consider it), at least. That's not a bad sign

 

 

Yes, you are spot on with your description of him. He is very shy and insecure about a lot of things so I think when it comes to strength, I might be a tidbit stronger than he is.

I think also that him looking for jobs is a good sign.

Also, once I joked about baby names, how I would call my Kid and I said "so and so Mylastname" and he then said "how about so and so Mylastname Hislastname"? And I got freaked out for a moment but then thought it was cute...

I feel him making these jokes is him dealing with his feelings for me that he can't really put in words because he is afraid of hurting me and of getting hurt.

[Nerona]

Also, once I joked about baby names, how I would call my Kid and I said "so and so Mylastname" and he then said "how about so and so Mylastname Hislastname"? And I got freaked out for a moment but then thought it was cute...

I feel him making these jokes is him dealing with his feelings for me that he can't really put in words because he is afraid of hurting me and of getting hurt.

 

Hahaha, my bf brought up that topic, too, one time and really scared me to death with it as at this time I really hadn't totally fallen for him (nor thought about children, damn it) :laugh:

Yes, I definitely think if a man is joking with you about your children's names then he's giving you a strong sign...

[lamaga]

Hahaha, my bf brought up that topic, too, one time and really scared me to death with it as at this time I really hadn't totally fallen for him (nor thought about children, damn it) :laugh:

Yes, I definitely think if a man is joking with you about your children's names then he's giving you a strong sign...

 

btw I just noted you are from Germany - so am I!

Where does your boyfriend live?

[Nerona]

Yeah, I read you are from Germany My bf's living in Port-au-Prince (Haiti)...

[lamaga]

Yeah, I read you are from Germany My bf's living in Port-au-Prince (Haiti)...

 

That is very far, and I imagine it's harder to visit... I will be living in the Netherlands, would fly Amsterdam-NYC or Amsterdam-Boston. But it's still expensive, and thinking about it I get the chills, since I am super poor and have no idea how I will get through this without feeling incredibly frustrated.

[lamaga]

Your communication needs a lot of improvement. You thought you were being honest with him, but you were not honest. And you can't assume he's not saying things to look cool just like you do.

 

And again, don't throw at him all your current feelings for him to try to keep him. It now must start from him. That's what I think. Or it's going to start in a bad way. With lots of communication issues too.

 

 

 

I can see where you are coming from, and that is probably also why I have been holding back. I want to tell him how I feel but I am scared to overwhelm him, since he already has a lot of stress to deal with work-related, and I want to be a positive influence on his live, not another stressor.

But he is also very realistic I think, and LOVES his work... so I understand that AS OF NOW I am not the first priority, hence I can see that he is not going to push for LDR. But I think maybe once he is back he will realize that that's what he would want... but I don't think he will speak his mind, he totally thinks I just see this as a 'live in the moment' thing, and he thinks I don't want a LDR, so why would he come knocking? He's too insecure to come knocking.

 

I think I need to find a way to hint at him that I want a LDR without saying it or without putting pressure on him.

[justwhoiam]

At times, I'm just very logical. I'd back out, what's the point in being all romantic when he's not your boyfriend and you're going to live your life and he's gonna live his in separate ways?

 

If he asks why you back out, you simply tell him that since he doesn't want to try a LDR, there's no point in going on knowing one another. So it's on him.

[Nerona]

Yeah, Haiti is very far and at the moment no chance to get there as he doesn't have his own flat nor money (and the only two hotels I found are 150€/night! Impossible )...

 

Well, are you working? With a student's job one visit in the USA could be possible, couldn't it? urlaubsguru.de (also on fb) often has quite good offers to go to the U.S., for example.

Although maybe you shouldn't talk about visiting to him now if that might stress him? There's still time to talk about that...

 

And 6 months really are manageable! I mean, you would have all the opportunities to skype, chat, phone, mail etc. If you're keeping yourself busy time will fly. And you will be in a new country, too, so you can concentrate on discovering it instead of crying and missing him

I haven't been able to do a skype to my bf since 3rd of january nor does he have internet connection so it's only just phone calls for months now. And it does work It's hard but one grows accostumed to everything You probably will discover you are stronger than you ever thought you could be!

 

...since he already has a lot of stress to deal with work-related, and I want to be a positive influence on his live, not another stressor...so I understand that AS OF NOW I am not the first priority, hence I can see that he is not going to push for LDR.

 

I think I need to find a way to hint at him that I want a LDR without saying it or without putting pressure on him.

 

Well, I think if you tell him these things you won't put too much pressure on him. If you tell him that you would like to TRY (not be in) a LDR. If you tell him that you want to support him and that you will understand it when you won't hear from him for a week (or two) or sth because he's busy you're giving him a lot of freedom but safety at the same time. Because he will feel there's someone caring about him. And that's, actually, one of the most beautiful feelings in a relationship, isn't it: knowing there is somebody who really cares about you:love: