Is She Moving to Slow or Am I Moving to Fast?

[Tk123]

Hey there! Many of you have probably seen some of my threads before, but I just thought I'd give you some background on the LDR I have been in.

 

So basically, I have been in this LDR since January. We met online, and our personalities clicked immediately. We talk every day whether it's via text, Skype video chats, phone calls, etc. I live in New York and she lives in Florida.

 

I have brought up the topic of us meeting on multiple occasions during the months we have been dating, and she always turns me down. On one attempt back in April, she openly admitted to me that she's scared I'm going to think of her differently when we meet and that she won't be the same girl I know and love her to be.

 

I told her I'm not one to do something like that, but still it was not enough for her to consider meeting up. I just recently finished my college semester and have brought up me coming down there to visit her at the end of the month for Memorial Day. It wouldn't cost her a penny and I would be willing to pay for anything and everything to just see her. She once again turned me down saying that she doesn't think it's the best idea because we had an argument over something silly a few days beforehand.

 

At this point it has almost been 6 months into our relationship and I have not met her once. Her birthday is coming up in less than 2 months and she swears that I'll be able to visit her for her birthday. I can't tell if I'm moving to fast or if she just really has no intention of seeing me.

 

My question to you all is: when is enough, enough? Do you think it's worth even waiting for July to come around in chance that she may make another excuse for us not to hang out? Summer has just begun for me, and I want to get the most out of it. What should I do? Am I thinking out of proportion?

 

Any help I could be is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[justwhoiam]

She once again turned me down saying that she doesn't think it's the best idea because we had an argument over something silly a few days beforehand.

Avoid arguments before a visit. This is the best thing you can do. I know what it means and it gives so many second thoughts you have no idea.

 

Her birthday is coming up in less than 2 months and she swears that I'll be able to visit her for her birthday.

Great. Start planning NOW. Tell her you want to book a flight ASAP before she changes her mind. Reassure her that you will behave and you both will be fine, with no arguments or tension until then. Show her 2 or 3 hotels and ask her what she would pick among them. Then make your reservation. At that point, you have arranged your trip.

 

when is enough, enough?

You need to have a sixth sense, or intuition. She might be avoiding meeting you up for a series of reasons, and we can't know which. If she told the truth, and she's scared that things might change afterwards, and not from her part but yours, I perfectly understand her point, because I know the feeling. But we don't know if she's being honest. Are you sure she's not a catfish case? Have you seen her on cam a lot? Did you see her house/apartment, where she lives? Have you talked to her on the phone? Or you just exchanged a few pictures and written messages?

[Tk123]

Avoid arguments before a visit. This is the best thing you can do. I know what it means and it gives so many second thoughts you have no idea.

 

Great. Start planning NOW. Tell her you want to book a flight ASAP before she changes her mind. Reassure her that you will behave and you both will be fine, with no arguments or tension until then. Show her 2 or 3 hotels and ask her what she would pick among them. Then make your reservation. At that point, you have arranged your trip.

 

You need to have a sixth sense, or intuition. She might be avoiding meeting you up for a series of reasons, and we can't know which. If she told the truth, and she's scared that things might change afterwards, and not from her part but yours, I perfectly understand her point, because I know the feeling. But we don't know if she's being honest. Are you sure she's not a catfish case? Have you seen her on cam a lot? Did you see her house/apartment, where she lives? Have you talked to her on the phone? Or you just exchanged a few pictures and written messages?

 

I'm doing this from my phone so I'm sorry for not being able to quote specific parts of your response.

 

First of all thanks for another response, you've been very helpful to all these threads I've created in the past about my LDR.

 

I guess I sorta mis-phrased my wording about her birthday. She told me specifically that "I can see her for her birthday but do not book anything yet incase we get into another argument beforehand" I feel like she expects us to get into an arguement/disagreement prior to July (her birthday).

 

I'm 99.9% sure she is not a catfish. Although majority of our conversations are over texts because we are busy with our responsibilities, I've seen her on the camera, we occasionally call each other on the phone, and we call each other on Skype frequently to chat.

 

My worry at this point is that I'm never going to see her at this rate. When we first started speaking in January we did agree on a meet up during the summer. I'm just worried because summer for me is finally here and there are still no confirmed plans of me going to see her. Not saying she would, but what are the odds of her canceling or making yet another excuse by the end of June? Half of my summer could be gone in hopes of meeting her.

 

I truly love her and would do anything for her, so I know I'm going to stick it out in hopes that I do meet her on her birthday, but I always have that evil thought in the back of my head that tells me we aren't on the same page when it comes to meeting, no matter how many times I bring it up.

[justwhoiam]

She told me specifically that "I can see her for her birthday but do not book anything yet incase we get into another argument beforehand"

Man up. Promise her you won't get into any argument. And if you feel she's going to start one, don't get bothered or grumpy, prevent the drama. If she feels you did something wrong, be smart and say sorry and make up for anything you did wrong.

And tell her you don't want to miss the chance of meeting her this Summer and to keep that week or weekend free around her birthday because you'll be there.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I would have chosen my birthday as a first meeting. Probably not. Because I might party with family, people showing up... and lots of calls to say Happy Birthday! Then everyone would ask where I am and what I'm doing... Not good for a first meeting and to see how it goes and if chemistry's there. Be prepared because you might end up not spending her birthday with her.

 

Anyway, she didn't say no. She said no, if something's wrong between the two of you. Thus do anything you can so that nothing goes wrong.

[justwhoiam]

If you can, go there a couple of days before her birthday. So that she can decide whether to spend that day (or night) with you or not.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't mean to rain on the parade, but are you 100% certain that she is 100% single?

 

I mean, this could be a reason why she is putting you off. Are you sure there's nobody else in her life that she's trying to keep from you?

[Veronica2025]

6 months is a long time for me personally. And I'm saying this because you regularly talk to each other which wipes out most of the initial jitters with dating. Do bring up your concerns to her. It's not like you're staying with her while you're there. You plan on being at a hotel.

 

Also, what concerns me are your feelings for her when you haven't met her in person not once. You can't be sure who she really is, versus what she says yet. Again, what is her house like, who are her friends, does she really have the job she says she has? And the traits she says she has and that you perceive her having, are they actually true to her character? Is she really single? Hope things work out BTW.

 

Hey there! Many of you have probably seen some of my threads before, but I just thought I'd give you some background on the LDR I have been in.

 

So basically, I have been in this LDR since January. We met online, and our personalities clicked immediately. We talk every day whether it's via text, Skype video chats, phone calls, etc. I live in New York and she lives in Florida.

 

I have brought up the topic of us meeting on multiple occasions during the months we have been dating, and she always turns me down. On one attempt back in April, she openly admitted to me that she's scared I'm going to think of her differently when we meet and that she won't be the same girl I know and love her to be.

 

I told her I'm not one to do something like that, but still it was not enough for her to consider meeting up. I just recently finished my college semester and have brought up me coming down there to visit her at the end of the month for Memorial Day. It wouldn't cost her a penny and I would be willing to pay for anything and everything to just see her. She once again turned me down saying that she doesn't think it's the best idea because we had an argument over something silly a few days beforehand.

 

At this point it has almost been 6 months into our relationship and I have not met her once. Her birthday is coming up in less than 2 months and she swears that I'll be able to visit her for her birthday. I can't tell if I'm moving to fast or if she just really has no intention of seeing me.

 

My question to you all is: when is enough, enough? Do you think it's worth even waiting for July to come around in chance that she may make another excuse for us not to hang out? Summer has just begun for me, and I want to get the most out of it. What should I do? Am I thinking out of proportion?

 

Any help I could be is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Tk123]

Man up. Promise her you won't get into any argument. And if you feel she's going to start one, don't get bothered or grumpy, prevent the drama. If she feels you did something wrong, be smart and say sorry and make up for anything you did wrong.

And tell her you don't want to miss the chance of meeting her this Summer and to keep that week or weekend free around her birthday because you'll be there.

 

To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I would have chosen my birthday as a first meeting. Probably not. Because I might party with family, people showing up... and lots of calls to say Happy Birthday! Then everyone would ask where I am and what I'm doing... Not good for a first meeting and to see how it goes and if chemistry's there. Be prepared because you might end up not spending her birthday with her.

 

Anyway, she didn't say no. She said no, if something's wrong between the two of you. Thus do anything you can so that nothing goes wrong.

 

 

If you can, go there a couple of days before her birthday. So that she can decide whether to spend that day (or night) with you or not.

 

 

I would be planning to go there a couple days early as you said. Over our time together we've had our share of arguments and disagreements. Some of them even came to the point where we took a "break" from each other for a couple days.

 

I find it very difficult sometimes, especially after not meeting her for so long. And I have been very straight forward with her in the past saying "I don't know how much longer I can do this distance for, and if summer goes by still without a meeting I'm going to have to move on with my life."

 

I don't mean to rain on the parade, but are you 100% certain that she is 100% single?

 

I mean, this could be a reason why she is putting you off. Are you sure there's nobody else in her life that she's trying to keep from you?

 

 

To be honest with you, I have actually thought about this. I would like to believe that I could trust her, but there always is that possibility; especially in an LDR. That's where trust comes in though and if you can't trust your partner then you shouldn't be in the relationship to begin with. I think with the bond we've built towards each other over these months I can say I trust her.

 

 

6 months is a long time for me personally. And I'm saying this because you regularly talk to each other which wipes out most of the initial jitters with dating. Do bring up your concerns to her. It's not like you're staying with her while you're there. You plan on being at a hotel.

 

Also, what concerns me are your feelings for her when you haven't met her in person not once. You can't be sure who she really is, versus what she says yet. Again, what is her house like, who are her friends, does she really have the job she says she has? And the traits she says she has and that you perceive her having, are they actually true to her character? Is she really single? Hope things work out BTW.

 

 

Just like I mentioned in my first post, I have brought up the concern of hanging out MULTIPLE times. I'd say I've attempted it at least 5 times. The most recent one she got really worried and told me "I'm scared that I'm moving to slow." I also agree with you about the unknown "grey" area in this relationship. A relationship like this is definitely not for the weary though and these 6 months have been really tough, they really have especially since I'm a college student.

 

Thank you all for the insight and responses, I am so grateful and would appreciate anything else that anyone has to add.

[TMichaels]

I'm 99.9% sure she is not a catfish. Although majority of our conversations are over texts because we are busy with our responsibilities, I've seen her on the camera, we occasionally call each other on the phone, and we call each other on Skype frequently to chat.

 

Do you know where she lives? (Not in general, but her exact address?) If so, have you tried sending her something via snail mail? If not, I would and see if she gets it. And be smart about it -- don't tell her what it is in advance and if/when she gets it have her show you the gift you sent and she received on cam.

 

You never said, but how old is this girl? You're in college; how old are you?

 

I know you think she's legitimate, but it sounds to me like she's hiding something. Could be any number of things. I'd tread very carefully if I were you, and not get in any deeper than you already are.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Tk123]

Do you know where she lives? (Not in general, but her exact address?) If so, have you tried sending her something via snail mail? If not, I would and see if she gets it. And be smart about it -- don't tell her what it is in advance and if/when she gets it have her show you the gift you sent and she received on cam.

 

You never said, but how old is this girl? You're in college; how old are you?

 

I know you think she's legitimate, but it sounds to me like she's hiding something. Could be any number of things. I'd tread very carefully if I were you, and not get in any deeper than you already are.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thanks for the response! I know where she lives in terms of state and town, but no not the exact address. She is 20 and I am 20. I'm a college student, and she works a full time job as a waitress. She very well could be hiding something from me, and only time will tell that tale. As I said, if I am in the same position that I am now by the end of the summer, I think it's only right for me to move on with my life.

[LittleTiger]

As I said, if I am in the same position that I am now by the end of the summer, I think it's only right for me to move on with my life.

 

That's a good idea. It seems a little strange to me that she doesn't want to meet after all this time. Big red flag I'm afraid!

 

I hope she turns out to be genuine, but it's probably best not to get any more involved than you already are - until you know for sure.

[justwhoiam]

some of the advice on here is terrible esp from justhwhoiam.

There's a chance she lied to him, and there's a chance she was honest to him. If he wants to find out, his only option is meeting her. Anyone would agree that if she lied, he's better off at home and not wasting money on a useless trip. But if there's a 1% chance that she's honest, your advice would write it off for him.

[LittleTiger]

also uv wasted 6 months where u cud have been seeing other girls locally.

 

Believe it not, not every man's number one aim is to have sex. He hasn't wasted anything if he's enjoyed interacting with her and, until he meets her, he can see whoever he likes - locally or elsewhere. If he hasn't been seeing anyone else, that's his choice.

 

It's probably best not to assume all guys think the same as you do.

[justwhoiam]

haha 1%. unless hes 95% sure shes into him then yes go for it.

If guys should have a try with a girl only if they're 95% sure she's into him, then they'd better stay at home and watch tv or play videogames. Your advice is as good as used toiler paper.

[Tk123]

also uv wasted 6 months where u cud have been seeing other girls locally.

 

Ouch. That stings man. I honestly can say I'm happy with how things are going. We did agree on summer as our meeting date, and it's only May still. Sure I could have been disloyal and talked to other girls but that's not me. Unlike most guys, I don't do relationships just for the sex. Sure it's fun, but that's not me and I guess you could call me a fool for being so committed as a young 20 year old. Even my dad gives me sht saying "you're young and in college, **** them all!!" I don't believe in that one bit. It's only fair that I stay true to our agreement that we are going to try and meet this summer. If nothing happens after that, then maybe you can claim I wasted my time, but I would still disagree with that statement.

[Tk123]

So last night I had a conversation with her on Skype. Apparently there's some big concert coming in town by me in a couple weeks and I told her that would be a cool first meeting together. She told me she's interested but already hinted like she was making an excuse. Her excuse was:

 

"One of these upcoming weeks I have to work all week including Saturday and Sunday and I can't miss. I don't know which week it is off the top of my head but I'll check to see if it conflicts with the concert."

 

When she said that I acted like I didn't care, but thinking back on it, it really bothers me now. It worries me because maybe she wont let me see her in July either. The concert was supposed to happen in middle of June sometime. Is that excuse a red flag, or does it seem honest? I won't know if she was telling the truth anyways until a couple of weeks when it happens.

 

I don't know if I should keep asking her to meet. I feel like I'm hounding her to do something that is supposed to be very fun and natural. I thought the first meeting was supposed to be a magical one, especially after all these months of talking day in and out to each other.

 

Basically I woke up today really worried and stressed all about this, and I don't know why...

[TMichaels]

Her excuse was:

 

"One of these upcoming weeks I have to work all week including Saturday and Sunday and I can't miss. I don't know which week it is off the top of my head but I'll check to see if it conflicts with the concert."

 

If the above was a "one-off" comment, I'd say she was probably being honest. But, it's not the only time she's deflected your advances. Sorry to say Tk123, but it doesn't look good.

 

I don't know if I should keep asking her to meet. I feel like I'm hounding her to do something that is supposed to be very fun and natural.

 

Yes, I can see how you would feel that way. Perfectly understandable and I agree.

 

What I don't understand is "what's in it for her?" As in, why bother continuing to talk with you when clearly she's not all that hot to trot to take the relationship off-line.

 

I think you need to ask yourself, is that what you want? An online buddy? An Internet penpal? A virtual girlfriend? Or, do you want more? If so, I don't think this is the girl for you.

 

Basically I woke up today really worried and stressed all about this, and I don't know why...

 

Your gut is trying to tell you something, Tk123. You've been sincere and honest in your dealings with her. Not sure she's been so with you.

 

Maybe she's "not a player" per se, but just doesn't have the guts to tell you to buzz off and hopes if she keeps re-buffing you you'll give up and walk away.

 

If I were you, I'd make this "concert date" your Waterloo. You're right. You shouldn't have to beg. If she comes back and says she has to work, then consider it the proof you need that she isn't serious about exploring a RL relationship with you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[kiwildr]

Gosh it sounds like she does have a lot of excuses when you are trying so hard to meet her in person to see if there is anything beyond the online, Skype, emails, texts etc... Have you thought about just saying it outright in a jokingly fashion like are your sure you are a not a "catfish". I mean do you know what she looks like,and that she is the person she says she is maybe she just wants to just remain friends and that's it and that's why she doesn't want to meet in person.

 

Perhaps even discussing that you really want this to work but for it to develop into more ( assuming thats what you want) that you would like to meet in person.

 

I have only been online dating for just over two months but I know the person who I am talking to his the person in the pictures and what he does for a living as he does with me. I am meeting him next month and yes I can understand from her point of view it is scarey a lot goes through your mind as a female, like will he like me in person, am I pretty enough, will we have the same chemistry and fun as we do online. I am actually a pretty outgoing person but even I am finding meeting in person daunting although I am flying from the other side of the world, but the best thing you can do is reassure her my SO tells me all the time when I am having doubts that he's not going anywhere that easily, maybe she needs reassurance that maybe you are just as scared to meet her in person too.

 

I have learnt one thing though, go by your gut instinct.

[Tk123]

If the above was a "one-off" comment, I'd say she was probably being honest. But, it's not the only time she's deflected your advances. Sorry to say Tk123, but it doesn't look good.

 

 

 

Yes, I can see how you would feel that way. Perfectly understandable and I agree.

 

What I don't understand is "what's in it for her?" As in, why bother continuing to talk with you when clearly she's not all that hot to trot to take the relationship off-line.

 

I think you need to ask yourself, is that what you want? An online buddy? An Internet penpal? A virtual girlfriend? Or, do you want more? If so, I don't think this is the girl for you.

 

 

 

Your gut is trying to tell you something, Tk123. You've been sincere and honest in your dealings with her. Not sure she's been so with you.

 

Maybe she's "not a player" per se, but just doesn't have the guts to tell you to buzz off and hopes if she keeps re-buffing you you'll give up and walk away.

 

If I were you, I'd make this "concert date" your Waterloo. You're right. You shouldn't have to beg. If she comes back and says she has to work, then consider it the proof you need that she isn't serious about exploring a RL relationship with you.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Thank you very much for your advice TMichaels. You've really opened my eyes to what I have been doing what my 6 months in this relationship. This relationship almost feels toxic. I feel like I need to meet her at this point, to feel that these 6 months were worth it.

 

I want to talk to her more but I don't know how to bring it up. It seems like a "touchy" subject with her and she has openly admitted to me that the reason we haven't met sooner is because she is afraid. I try reassuring her letting her know she will always be the girl I know and love, but even that doesn't give her a different outlook on things.

 

I'm really torn right now.

 

Have you thought about just saying it outright in a jokingly fashion like are your sure you are a not a "catfish". I mean do you know what she looks like,and that she is the person she says she is maybe she just wants to just remain friends and that's it and that's why she doesn't want to meet in person.

 

Perhaps even discussing that you really want this to work but for it to develop into more ( assuming thats what you want) that you would like to meet in person.

 

I have only been online dating for just over two months but I know the person who I am talking to his the person in the pictures and what he does for a living as he does with me.

 

I have learnt one thing though, go by your gut instinct.

 

 

I know she's not a catfish. I knew what she looked like, and I knew the person she claimed she was within the first week of us talking in January. I've tried discussing the scary "jitters" that come with a first meeting to her but it doesn't seem to be making an impact.

 

I feel like I have to make it hit her once and for all. I've told her in the past I don't know how many more months of this distance I could do, and her reply to me was along the lines of disappointment.

 

I congratulate you that you will be able to meet your SO much earlier than myself. I wish there was a way I could get me and her to that point. Even a calendar date with a plane ticket saying when I'd be there would be enough to satisfy me. We don't even know what we're doing in terms of meeting up this summer. It's very depressing

[kiwildr]

Thank you for your nice comments your day will come to - has she actually said what she wants as it sounds like she just wants to chat online with no commitment and enjoys doing it as she has been chatting for 6 months with you.

 

Don't let it get you down you are being honest about things, maybe you should let her initiate the whole meeting thing be cool and chat without any pressure about the band coming etc...and play down the whole meeting thing. Perhaps taking a different tact and just saying it would be cool if you want to come and chill out but no big deal if you have other things on doesn't make it sound so intense.

 

Like guys if a girl is really into someone no matter how nervous or scared we will make the effort too.

[Tk123]

Thank you for your nice comments your day will come to - has she actually said what she wants as it sounds like she just wants to chat online with no commitment and enjoys doing it as she has been chatting for 6 months with you.

 

Don't let it get you down you are being honest about things, maybe you should let her initiate the whole meeting thing be cool and chat without any pressure about the band coming etc...and play down the whole meeting thing. Perhaps taking a different tact and just saying it would be cool if you want to come and chill out but no big deal if you have other things on doesn't make it sound so intense.

 

Like guys if a girl is really into someone no matter how nervous or scared we will make the effort too.

 

I appreciate another great response She never said she wants to keep it to a strict online thing. Our goal was to finally meet this summer. I told her we could take it as slow as she wants. I don't care about sex, and I don't even care if it doesn't go farther then a hug or kiss. I just want to see her, and I know deep down she wants to see me but she's scared. I am trying to brainstorm about it, and see how I could bring it up tonight and talk about it with her without hurting her feelings about how I feel. I need to know for sure if she still wants to take this beyond an online thing. And if she does want to take it further, I want to know a date and I want to have a ticket in hand so we're on the same page.

Edited May 22, 2013 by Tk123

[umirano]

Err...

 

You don't want sex

you don't need more than a hug or a kiss

you simply want to see her in real life?

 

And she is scared of that? Is she a sociopath? Kudos to you for sticking it out, but honestly, a girl who doesn't even care to meet me (for whatever reason) will most likely not be a good match (for me).

[Tk123]

Err...

 

You don't want sex

you don't need more than a hug or a kiss

you simply want to see her in real life?

 

And she is scared of that? Is she a sociopath? Kudos to you for sticking it out, but honestly, a girl who doesn't even care to meet me (for whatever reason) will most likely not be a good match (for me).

 

She has told me in the past that she is afraid that when I leave after visiting her, that I'm going to talk to her less or feel differently about her. I've reassured her time and time again that I am not that type of guy but she just can't get past it.

[veggirl]

She has NO intention of ever meeting you face to face. That is very clear by your posts, esp the latest update.

 

I'd tell her, on video chat, either we book my ticket now or I'm done. I'm not wasting another X months on an online relationship.

 

She is hiding something from you, for SURE.

[Tk123]

She has NO intention of ever meeting you face to face. That is very clear by your posts, esp the latest update.

 

I'd tell her, on video chat, either we book my ticket now or I'm done. I'm not wasting another X months on an online relationship.

 

She is hiding something from you, for SURE.

 

Thank you for the response. I'm not going to lie I felt like tearing up after reading that, but I guess it has to be done.

 

For you ladies on the forums (guys could feel free to answer this too ), I am curious on your input: Am I doing anything wrong with my approach and reassurance to her? I told her we could take it slow, I'm not looking for sex if she isn't ready, I won't change after we meet, and I'm willing to pay in full to take a trip to Florida; she wouldn't have to do anything. What could I have missed?

Edited May 23, 2013 by Tk123