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My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend. What should I do?

Long-Distance Relationships Coping with geographical distance can make or break a LDR. Share your experiences and questions here.

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Old 21st May 2004, 1:22 AM   #1
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Unhappy My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend. What should I do?

I've been dating Chris for a year. We met last summer while he was working in NC. His job was only temporary for six months. He went back to his permenant location in CT last July. We have been in a long distance relationship since that time. And are still trying to work things out.

When we first met, he told me about an ex-girlfriend named Linh whom he'd known for five years at the time. They dated for two years, and lived together during the time they were dating. She lives a few miles outside of CT. Chris has a son named Alec from another female named Stacey. Stacey has gotten married, has two children from that marriage, and she has full custody of Alec. Chris does has visitation rights. He and Stacey don't communicate at all except to make arrangements for his visits with Alec.

Linh established a stong bond with Alec, and all of Chris' relatives over the time they have known each other. Chris blames the reason for their break up on Linh having been in love with him, and he never loved her. He said that their relationship was strictly sexual at first. Then she developed love for him. So he dumped her. He started dating another female, but kept communicating with Linh. But somehow, he and Linh managed to remain friends after their break up.

Chris' relationship with his new girlfriend ended ultimately because he was still communicating with Linh. Then Chris and Linh became sexually involved again, however remaining the title of "friends" eventhough he knew she still loved him and he didn't love her. One year after they were "just having sex as friends" Chris met me. He told Linh about me, and she became upset. So he didn't communicate with her while he was in NC after he met me. But occasionally, I saw greeting cards that she would send to him on a monthly basis to express her neverending love for him, Just thinking of him, Missining him, and hoping their friendship never ends.

I didn't feel threatened by the greeting cards to Chris from Linh because Chris always left them out in plain view at his apartment. I saw it a a sign of his honesty. He assured me that he was ending the friendship with Linh because she couldn't except me being in his life. That was all before he left. And I never even asked him to break it off with her.

Last November, (four months after he left NC) he and I began arguing about his relationship with Linh after I discovered that they were still communicating with each other. Chris was extremly jealous of my friendship with my ex-boyfriend, James, despite the fact that I'd never been intimately involved, or in love with him. In fact, Chris was the first man I've ever had sex with. To stop the arguing, we both agreed to terminate our friendships with Linh and James. I kept my end of the agreement. But he didn't.

In December while he was visiting me for Christmas, I accidently saw a chain of email where she and he and been communicating while he was visting me at my apartment. They referenced phone conversations that they were obvoiusly having behind my back. And of course he was emailing her while I was in the shower or making dinner.

Linh knew that I didn't approve of Chris contacting her. She would refer to me as his "Crazy Ass Girlfriend" in her emails to him. She agreed not to call him during certain times when she knew he was with me. And he kept her well informed of what he and I were doing. She was helping him hide their communication from me. When I saw these emails, I felt betrayed that Chris had lied to me about terminating his friendship with Linh. I also felt betrayed that he was talking about me to Linh in a way that encouraged her to decharaterize me.

Chris apologized for hurting me after he realized that I'd seen the emails. He said he'd only contacted Linh out of boredom. He attempted to keep Linh in his life by arranging a date for the three of us to have lunch together so she and I could settle any differences we have about each other. But Linh refused to meet with me. She told him she hated me. Our relationship was perfect until I became insecure about Linh. He made the problem worse by talking to Linh about my feelings for their relationship.

After seeing Linh's reaction to meeting me, Chris promised, again, to stop communicating with her. He even changed his phone number, and didn't give it to her. It appears as though they don't call each other on the phone, or send each other emails anymore. But a few weeks ago while I was in CT visiting Chris, I found a recentlty dated greeting card from Linh to Chris. Linh sent the card through the mail. In it she expressed how sorry she felt for him being in the relationship with me. She vowed to be there for him no matter what happens. She told him she still loved him. And Chris had hid the card in his sock drawer, obviously because I was there.

I haven't said anything about the most recent card to Chris. He still swears that he and Linh haven't contacted each other since he changed his phone number in March. He is clearly still lying about his communication with Linh. If tell him I found the card, he and I will have an argument about me snooping through his things. Then he will have another reason to go to Linh to complain about me.

I've met Chris' parents. But I'm afraid to meet his son because Alec still ask about Linh, a lot. It seems as though I am forced to accept the fact that Linh will always be apart of my life if I choose to stay with Chris. I've tried to end my relationship with Chris several times since November. But he always begs and pleads with me to work things out. So I feel like he really does love me and wants to me with me. The problems are:

Am I wrong for feeling insecure about Linh? Since they don't have any children together, I don't understand the bond that has held them together for so long with her loving him and him not loving her.

Is it possible that he does love her, and tells he loves her? If so, then why is he still hanging on to me? He rarely visits NC anymore. I always go there to visit him. And he even wants me to move to CT with him at the end of this year.

Was Chris right for turning to Linh for advice, when Linh was the reason for our problems?

Should I continue this relationship with Chris? I would have to make a lot of sacrifices to move to CT with him.

Can our situation be fixed? Can we work it out? How?
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Old 21st May 2004, 3:03 AM   #2
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I can relate to this.

My boyfriend still keeps contact with an ex who he had a fling with on a spring break trip 2 years ago. I found all kinds of letters and cards she had sent him that he was still keeping. I told him I did not want them to stay in contact anymore and I was uncomfortable with them still talking to each other. If it was just some spring break fling why does he still feel the need to still talk to her or to keep her psycho little love letters? He promised me he wouldn't contact her anymore and "took her phone number out of his phone" or so he said, but instead hid it under a guy's name in his phone so I would think it was really gone.

Every time we would get in a fight he would call this person. Months and months later, when we were trying to start talking again after a break up he accidentally left his cell phone here and the curiousity killed me. So I listened to his voicemails and sure enough there was a voicemail from the little spring break ho. He is STILL contacting her!!! No matter what I say it doesn't seem to matter. He is still going to talk to her no matter what.

I am at the point now where if he continues to talk to her then I will have no interest in him whatsoever. I am giving him another chance and trying to work things out with him but if he still talks to her even now I will have to be through with it. If these guys can't get over the past then we should just leave them in the past.

I think your guy must have more feelings for this woman than he is willing to admit. Unless these girls just have such great sex that they want to still talk to them, then there is more than what meets the eye.

If he still keeps communicating behind your back with this person (and to make it even more insulting - talking to her about YOU) then you need to break up with him. Tell him that if things don't stop with this person then he is going to ruin his PRESENT relationship with YOU. The last thing anyone needs is a boyfriend who insists on talking to some tramp ex-girlfriend against your wishes. You deserve better. He needs to let bygones be bygones. There is no need for him to keep this person around when he has you.

I would keep an eye on the situation (as I am also trying to do so in my situation), if things persist no matter your protests PLEASE show him a thing or two and leave him in the dust if he wants to be such an a**hole - I am going to try to do the same. How insulting for them to be this way. If their sex is so great and he just LOOOVES talking to her so much, then let him be with her. That's what I would tell him. And that is what I am telling mine right now. I am telling him that if he loves keeping contact with her so much then he should just move up there where she is and marry her! That's how I feel right now with my situation. If I so much as get the slightest clue that he talks to her again then I will tell him to go to hell because there ARE guys out there that are not so obsessed with some ex that should have been rightly left in the past, there are guys out there who are more decent and respectful than that, and would not want to upset you with someone that shouldn't even matter anymore. And there are guys out there that have the balls to tell someone that they cannot talk to them anymore because they have a present relationship that means more to them than stupid little communications that they have with them.

Let me know how things go with you.
Best of luck.
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Old 21st May 2004, 3:10 AM   #3
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Oh and NO Chris was not right to go to Linh about your guys' problems. How INAPPROPRIATE!!!!

I don't think things can be worked out unless you find out for sure that he will finally STOP this contact with Linh. Until you know this, I would not make such a sacrifice. The last thing you want to do is move there for him, and go through all that for him, just to be up there and have the annoying Linh still pestering, and him still reciprocating. What grief that would give you. Keep an eye out! Be careful before moving there, and make sure he really means it this time when he says he will stop contact with Linh because sounds like Chris is a lot like my guy. Sneaking behind our backs. Ugh. Please make 100% sure that he really stops contact with her before you move. What a damper an ex can have on a current relationship and it just isn't fair. You don't need that kind of stress.
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Old 21st May 2004, 4:25 PM   #4
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Should I continue this relationship with Chris?
No, unless you want to continue the 3-way deal - you, Chris, and Linh.

Chris is not being honest with you, or probbly Linh or himself either. It just isn't credible that he doesn't have some bond holding him with Linh. Maybe it is not "LOVE", but it definitely is SOMETHING. Possibly he just really enjoys the drama and attention of being the object of her unwholesome obsession, while he is having his other life with you. And he enjoys this thrill despite the high cost to his relationship with you. I can assure you that if Chris wanted Linh to be out of his life, he could accomplish that. Instead, he uses her as a shield and weapon against total intimacy and honesty with YOU. When you're "mean" or "demanding", he runs to Linh for her support.

This being an LDR makes it more difficult. He can't build trust with you fast enough to keep up with the rate at which he's tearing it down. And apparently she's handy and nearby when he is in CT. Great. When he gets really "lonely" or "bored", he knows who to call or visit. And she's waiting by the phone to get him back...or should I say, waiting behind her front door in her lingerie. Ready to soothe him and comfort him.

As to whether you should uproot your life and move away from job, friends and family just so you can be with your two-faced non-boyfriend, I'll say........NO.

As for your questions:

Am I wrong for feeling insecure about Linh?
It's Chris' relationship with her that is the real problem. SHE is not in fact the problem by herself. She can only interfere between you two to the extent that HE lets her.

Is it possible that he does love her, and tells he loves her?
Very possible.

If so, then why is he still hanging on to me?
'Cause he is not a 1-woman man. You obviously bring SOMETHING to the party that Linh does not. Chris would like to enjoy aspects of BOTH of you. Perhaps you are not capable of the slavish, obsession devotion that he is enjoying from Linh.

Was Chris right for turning to Linh for advice, when Linh was the reason for our problems?
If you're serious about asking this...NO!!

Should I continue this relationship with Chris?
Only if you like the way it's been going so far...

Can our situation be fixed? Can we work it out? How?
It's totally in his hands. He would need to take SERIOUS ACTIONS that clearly demonstrate that you are his one and only, and that Linh is and will be out of his life forever. The chances of him being willing and able to do this appear to be...slim to none.
Heavily medicated for your safety.
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