Boyfriend looking at other girls

[LilyLumos]

I need peoples advice, people who know, I've been with my boyfriend for two years, I'm in the UK and he's in Australia, we say we're solid..you know we've made plans for the future and stuff...but I'm finding the distance hard to deal with, the not knowing what he's doing cause he refuses to tell me and has a go at me if I ask.

 

we where arguing today, and I was all ''I don't feel like I'm good enough for you, because you look at other girls and say they're hot' to your friends'' and his reply ''You are good enough, but I'm going to look at other girls, it's in my nature'' that broke my heart, I can't get my head around why, I mean surely if he was happy with me he wouldn't want to...I sure don't want to look at any other guys...

 

when I asked him why, he said it's because he's not getting laid...that made my mind go AWOL ... like it would when you've been cheated on in the past.

 

I just don't understand...I can't understand, I can't explain it very well either...I just feel like he's being unfaithful ... Now he doesn't know why he wants to look at other girls, he just does...and it's killing me, I love him to bits, and I don't know what to do...I feel like someones ripped my heart out....

 

Please help..anyone with any advice...talking to him is a dead end because all he does is say nasty things back and makes me feel guilty for feeling this way...

[TaraMaiden]

Play it his way.

Tell him this guy started at your work, and his bod is hawt!

 

You've joined a gym, and some of the guys there are awesome.....

 

Fighting fire with fire occasionally hits the mark.

 

You need to stop being a wimp and be a bit more forceful.

If girls come across as clingy and jealous, guys retreat into their 'man-cave' with a sense of entitlement....

Remember guys are 'visual' creatures.

They 'see', they 'like'.

 

How old are you both, could I ask?

[Treasa]

What TaraMaiden said. Also, NEVER say, suggest, or even hint to a guy that you think you aren't good enough.

[LittleTiger]

Welcome to LS Lily.

 

I don't really think him 'looking' at other girls is much of a problem in itself. I know my guy looks at other women - he's only human. If an attractive guy comes into my field of vision, I look too! As long as looking is all we're doing there's no issue for either of us.

 

The real problem, as I see it, is that he's told you the reason is 'because he's not getting laid!' which clearly means he's feeling extra horny. That's also not entirely surprising, assuming he's being faithful to you, but it's not a very tactful or respectful way of telling you that he's finding it difficult. It's not great that he's 'nasty' to you either - there is no acceptable reason to be nasty to someone you apparently love.

 

However, I think you're biggest problem is your own reaction to his behaviour. Your distress at him just looking at other girls seems a little out of proportion unless you know he's being unfaithful. As Tara says, he's not going to be overly impressed if you are constantly clingy and jealous - guys like their space.

 

Successful LDRs require very good communication and a lot of trust. If you feel you can't trust him that's going to become one of your biggest problems - even if it turns out he is trustworthy. Some people are not cut out for LDRs - perhaps you are one of those people. Your boyfriend may be too if he finds it difficult to remain celibate for any period of time.

 

I would also be interested to know how old you both are and how often/how much time you get together physically.

[soccerrprp]

Ugh. This is why LDR are not attractive to me in the least.

 

LilyLumos, it is in his "nature" to be attracted to other women and check them out. You can't blame him for that. If he were doing it in your presence, than that's another ball game all together, but he's not in your presence. He's thousands of miles away and he has needs, desires that he's not getting met regularly.

 

I have no idea if he is or has cheated, but you seriously need to reexamine this LDR. Either you or he makes a move or live with this uncertainty, insecurity. OR....no longer engage in it. Ugh.

[Keenly]

Basically your LDR and your longing for him is causing you to be jealous over nothing, and a little bit needy and controlling.

 

 

You say you feel like he is being unfaithful because when he is walking down the street and see's a pretty girl, he looks. There is no unfaithfulness in that. You just want to control him, what he sees, what he thinks, soon it will be where he goes and who he talks to.

 

 

Just lighten up, if he loves you, he loves you.

[justwhoiam]

I don't really think him 'looking' at other girls is much of a problem in itself. I know my guy looks at other women - he's only human.

...

The real problem, as I see it, is that he's told you the reason is 'because he's not getting laid!'

I agree with what LT wrote. My man's job requires him to have castings and shoot with models, girls and the occasional famous starlet. I'm not entering any competition with some 20 something girl with different body size, blondie, long-legged or whatever. I'm just myself. I assume he looks at girls and women, men also comment on them, but it's just work, and any interaction is down to a minimum.

What really matters is he loves me and wants me, even sexually, even when he's alone.

If he constantly needs the thought of other women to get excited... then I would question the relationship... If it's like that NOW, guess when you're together all the time... I assume it's only going to get worse because you'd become his routine.

 

I don't agree with playing his same game, but maybe you should back off a bit and not be available at any time, and see if he looks for you, and not just to fill in the gaps.

 

What you shouldn't do: think that he should only see you. Be worth it for who you are and not what you look like.

[LittleTiger]

Ugh. This is why LDR are not attractive to me in the least.

 

What puts you off? The thought of enforced celibacy, inability to trust or having a jealous girlfriend? None of these are issues in a healthy, happy relationship, LDR or not.

 

Which brings me to another question for Lily - is this your first boyfriend? If not, did you have these feelings of insecurity in previous relationships?

[soccerrprp]

What puts you off? The thought of enforced celibacy, inability to trust or having a jealous girlfriend? None of these are issues in a healthy, happy relationship, LDR or not.

 

It is considerably much more difficult in a LDR. There is no way that anyone can convince me otherwise. Maintaining a relationship in close proximity is difficult enough, but when out of sight, it often becomes out of mind. I realize that people can have healthy relationships LDR, but it is more taxing psychologically and physically for both parties.

 

Aside from the romanticism involved in having a LDR, people need to be realistic sooner than later as to whether it is working or will work for them. Believe me, the last sentence was a little tough for me to write. I consider myself a "hopeful" romantic.

Edited May 15, 2013 by soccerrprp