Can men and women be purely friends over a length of time

[adelia]

I'm asking because I've known a man online for about two yrs now. We met on a game site. We hit it off. A few language barriers though. He's Iranian(lives in turkey) and I'm English speaking. Still we understand each other on a much deeper level than language alone. It's eerie how similar we are in how we think and our belief systems.

We've been texting between our games and eventually started on Skype texting. He is going through some difficult times in his life and in the past he's listened to my problems and always gives good advice. It's advice I trust in and feel good about. I've always felt there's never been ulterior motives where our friendship was concerned. He's on my fb so we have seen each other and know were both attractive people. He's never been flirty or anything but has posted a few likes on my pics. I've done the same. He is very attractive and in his pics with gfs they've been the model looking types. I however have never looked at him that way EVER. I value his friendship so much and truthfully would not want to ruin it or add to any complications he has going already. We talked for the first time today . It was so refreshing to hear him like meeting a long lost friend. It was a nice conversation and I enjoyed it. Before the conversation ended he said something to me that threw me off. He said before we decided to talk three nights prior he had a very sexual dream with a lighter skinned woman. We chuckled about it and the way we always do tried to decipher whatit could mean. We really believe in a higher power and that there are no coincidences in life. We agreed it was maybe something I was going through that he sensed. Up until the point we'd talked I'd never mentioned the things I did in our phone convo. It did disturb me briefly though. I have a hard time trusting people and with any other guyed have red flags of he is playing you. With him I could never see that. He has never showed any qualities like this. He's very into self help and being positive in your way of thinking. It just doesn't fit who he is but it was knowing at me afterwards.

We thanked each other for the lovely conversation but I'm left worrying. I don't want to change the dynamics of our friendship. He's been a rock for me as selfish as that may sound. A sounding board.

My question is this...

What do you make of the dream comment and

Can men and women be purelyfriends with no complicated emotions involved? We've never been involved.

[Leegh]

Yes, I believe men and women can be friends. I am now friends (not dating) a guy I went out with for about seven years a long time ago. He knows everything about me, my family, etc., and we still talk by telephone about once every month. When he is in my city, he visits me. I'd say on average I see him about twice a year in person. Sometimes it's good to have a friend (male or female) that knows mostly everything about you, then when a problem arises, this person knows all about the "backstory" of your life, to give you top notch advice.

[adelia]

Yes, I believe men and women can be friends. I am now friends (not dating) a guy I went out with for about seven years a long time ago. He knows everything about me, my family, etc., and we still talk by telephone about once every month. When he is in my city, he visits me. I'd say on average I see him about twice a year in person. Sometimes it's good to have a friend (male or female) that knows mostly everything about you, then when a problem arises, this person knows all about the "backstory" of your life, to give you top notch advice.

 

This is just it. He's an objective outsider someone I can get unbiased advice and feedback from. I think that's great you're able to maintain that friendship. In your case it would be even trickier seeing you were involved. This man and I haven't. Just friends. I've never sensed any attraction from him towards me. That's why the dream threw me off. My gut tells me he really did have the dream and felt comfortable telling me. It was kind of connected to things we talked about from my past. I'm probably maligning mountains out of mole hills

[taiko]

Yes they can be "just" friends. However that does not mean the man has not and will not masturbate to images of what he would like to do with his friend. Nor does it mean that he will accept "benefits" should they be offered, it is possible he would turn them down.

[justwhoiam]

If you had asked me years ago, I would have said: yes.

 

But I can tell now, being older, that a male-female true friendship is really difficult. Because something soon or later sets in.

 

I had a very dear friend having a sexual dream about me. I have other guys being my friends but who wouldn't mind doing things with me that you wouldn't do with a friend. I had guys interested in something more had they had the chance. And then others who were not interested, but maybe I did have an interest in them...

 

So in the end if it's him or her, one of the two soon or later will have sexual thoughts. Unles it's just acquaintancies, then maybe not. Still I have the impression that more men might have fantasized about me than I actually know of. Some told me about it.

Edited April 26, 2013 by justwhoiam

[CarrieT]

If you had asked me years ago, I would have said: yes.

 

But I can tell now, being older, that a male-female true friendship is really difficult. Because something soon or later sets in.

Here is where I will disagree with you...

 

Being MUCH older, I can attest that male/female friendships can be quite easy, if you can get beyond the sex thing.

 

I am approaching 50 and have more than a handful of very good, heterosexual male friends with whom I have NEVER had anything "set in."

 

One of my bet friends is a male from high school. In my late 20s, he hit on me just once. Even now - 25 years later - he is pleased that I rebuffed his attempts because this fall, HE will be the guy walking me down the aisle as my father is no longer with me.

[justwhoiam]

Being MUCH older, I can attest that male/female friendships can be quite easy, if you can get beyond the sex thing.

So you would put your money on it? That any of your male friends has ever fantasized about you sexually, even if just once? Well, I wouldn't, because now I know better.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's common for people to fantasise about people who aren't their partners, it doesn't mean they want to actually do it in real life, my ex used to fantasise now and again about the woman over the road who was totally not his type and we used to laugh about it, he wouldn't have wanted to touch her IRL

 

It's just sexual thoughts, nothing more.

So yes male and female can be just friends.

 

 

 

So you would put your money on it? That any of your male friends has ever fantasized about you sexually, even if just once? Well, I wouldn't, because now I know better.

[CarrieT]

So you would put your money on it? That any of your male friends has ever fantasized about you sexually, even if just once? Well, I wouldn't, because now I know better.

I know they have.

 

We have even talked about it.

 

And then laughed about it and moved on.

 

Just because there are fantasies doesn't mean there can't be a friendship. I guess I am fortunate that I am frankly and openly honest with my friends.

 

Most of them (much to the chagrin of my fiance) know that I am into kinky/BDSM stuff - to the point of being rather matter-of-factual thus diffusing the sexual import.

 

If you bring it out to the open, it is no longer the elephant in the room and you can move on and let the friendship flourish.

 

I will add that my fiance has met most of the my male friends (those that live nearby or are near where we travel). He knows about every single one of them and none of my friends are going away. My parents are no longer with me and my friends are my clan.

[adelia]

Here is where I will disagree with you...

 

Being MUCH older, I can attest that male/female friendships can be quite easy, if you can get beyond the sex thing.

 

I am approaching 50 and have more than a handful of very good, heterosexual male friends with whom I have NEVER had anything "set in."

 

One of my bet friends is a male from high school. In my late 20s, he hit on me just once. Even now - 25 years later - he is pleased that I rebuffed his attempts because this fall, HE will be the guy walking me down the aisle as my father is no longer with me.

 

Congrats

That's such a sweet story. I've never had many guy friends irl. Maybe a couple but they always got weird at some point. They'd get involved and lose contact with me out of a fear their gf would be insecure or I'd get involved with someone and they'd feel like a third wheel. It's just never been a friendship like I've had with women friends.

I'm pretty certain this friend has no attraction or any interest that way. We've talked about everything under the sun and there's been no flirting or hint of anything other than being friends.

[adelia]

I agree there can be fantasies but only to a certain point. When it spills over and becomes more where they develop an interest it's then that it becomes complicated. By pure friendship I mean no desire to act on attraction and no ulterior motives

 

 

I know they have.

 

We have even talked about it.

 

And then laughed about it and moved on.

 

Just because there are fantasies doesn't mean there can't be a friendship. I guess I am fortunate that I am frankly and openly honest with my friends.

 

Most of them (much to the chagrin of my fiance) know that I am into kinky/BDSM stuff - to the point of being rather matter-of-factual thus diffusing the sexual import.

 

If you bring it out to the open, it is no longer the elephant in the room and you can move on and let the friendship flourish.

 

I will add that my fiance has met most of the my male friends (those that live nearby or are near where we travel). He knows about every single one of them and none of my friends are going away. My parents are no longer with me and my friends are my clan.