LDR, Lies & Deceit...how do you move on?

[nugget_718]

How does someone move on when lied to? My LDR SO has been travelling so much lately due to work and almost every week he is in a different country. Due to this, we haven't been seeing each other every month like we used to. He has just been promoted to an exec position where the demands and expectation are much higher now than it was before. Last Friday, i had to go through a biopsy while he was in Taiwan. No one knew that I was going through this except for him and I told him that it would have been really nice to have him by my side holding my hand when i go through it. He was very disappointed that he couldn't be with me much as he'd like but it is one of the many challenges of being in an LDR and I understand.

 

When I was talking to him Thursday evening US time (Friday afternoon in Taipei), he says he had such a busy day running from one meetings to another and on top of that, he will be flying out to go back home (UK) the following morning which is Saturday (Asia time). I ask him how long his flight will be and he says 12 1/2 hrs. I was a bit surprised because I know that there are no nonstop flights from Taipei to the UK and that the shortest will be at least 16 hrs. But i went with it anyway although I remember him saying to me that he maybe flying to Canada to go to their headquarters instead of flying home. On Friday evening, we were msg'ing each other and he says he narrowly missed his flight and had to dash to the gate with 40 minutes to spare so i bid him a safe trip and to msg me when he land. True enough, after about 12 1/2 hrs, I received a msg from him telling me he landed. I responded to him right away asking him how the flight was and there was no answer for more than 5 hrs. At that point I started to worry and my gut feeling was telling me something was off. Somehow I knew that he wasn't forthcoming with me with something. So I ask him to call me as soon as he gets my msg. After 6 hrs since he said he landed, he finally msg me back and told me that he has crashed to the couch as soon as he got home as the flight was bumpy and didn't get some sleep. I told him to please ring me coz I want to ask him something. He did call and my 1st question was where is he at exactly. He says "I'm home, where else would i be?". And then he continued telling me what he had already mentioned in his msgs about being tired and all. I told him that I have checked flights when I could not reach him and there were no nonstop flights from Taipei to UK and he insisted that EVA Airways flies nonstop to which I had already checked over and over. Without him knowing I checked live flight status update at the Heathrow airport and that there was no EVA flight arriving at the time he had msg'd me. I let him babble about his trip and how it was stressful and before we hang up, I apologized for second guessing him. He says, don't apologize and that he understands my worries as I am under a lot of stress lately. The following morning, I got this email from him:

 

Morning Baby,

 

I hope you slept well, I did'nt.

 

OK, so I need to tell you something, I am not in the UK, I am actually in Ottawa.

 

You may have heard the stress in my voice when we spoke yesterday, with the combination of my work load and my travel schedule I am on the edge...

 

I didn't tell you I was coming here as I have been trying to find a way to get over to see you but I can't.

 

To try and avoid any dissapointment I thought it would be better not to tell you I was here, stupid, I know but as I said my brain is fried and I am not thinking straight right now.

 

As you are also under some srtress of your own I wanted to try to avoid any more.

 

I have some customer meetings along with an urgent exec meeting and some meetings with law firms around Canada, I need to be back in Europe next Monday for an important client meeting.

 

I have been struggling for some time to find some balance between work and life, this is something that I don't do very well, you may be feeling neglected as a result, sorry for that.

 

I dont know how much more I can take xx

 

Lets talk later, dont be mad, I dont need an argument right now :-(

 

We did talk that day and I told him how sad I felt that he had to resort to lying and making up stories just to try and justify his excuse for not being able to see me. That with our relationship, it is of utmost importance that trust should be the 1st priority coz when that is gone, everything crumbles. He was very apologetic and I did tell him I appreciate him thinking about my feelings but what he had done created more damage than good. He says he understand that now and he knows how stupid his stunt was. I asked him if there was a deeper reason for his stunt and to tell me now while everything is out in the open coz I might not be very forgiving next time and he swears there isn't.

 

But here's my dilemma....wrong as it is, I kind of get the lying about his whereabout but to create the other scenarios like dashing to the gate and crashing after a bumpy flight or msg'ing me that he landed when in fact he was already in Canada...i don't understand all that. Should I dig more about this after I already told him that I want to put it behind me and move forward?

[roaminghart11]

It sounds like he is probably telling the truth.

[nugget_718]

It sounds like he is probably telling the truth.

 

Thank you for your response Roaminghart. In my heart I know that he was telling the truth. My only concern is why go through all the other charade? And if he is capable of weaving a story just to make his claim believable, what else is he capable of doing? I guess those are my main concern.

[FitChick]

This man is overworked and, on top of that, is jetlagged. It's amazing how executives like this can function from day to day. If you are insecure, I'd say end the relationship because he doesn't need more aggravation from you. I know men like this. You aren't married so he doesn't owe you any explanation.

 

How much longer will his job be like this? If he gets a promotion he won't have to travel so much and will make more money. You could ultimately benefit from that if you get married. Are you willing to wait?

[nugget_718]

This man is overworked and, on top of that, is jetlagged. It's amazing how executives like this can function from day to day. If you are insecure, I'd say end the relationship because he doesn't need more aggravation from you. I know men like this. You aren't married so he doesn't owe you any explanation.

 

Yes, we are not married but we are deeply committed. We promised since day one to be transparent and to always update each other about our day to day since we are on LDR. That is why we had lasted this long with his ridiculous travel schedule. We're going into year 2.

 

How much longer will his job be like this? If he gets a promotion he won't have to travel so much and will make more money. You could ultimately benefit from that if you get married. Are you willing to wait?

 

He is already promoted to the VP level last January thus his extensive travel schedule to see customers and introduce himself. But he is also taking care of the EU region as he has not found a replacement to take over his old position as a director. I am and always have been very understanding of his demanding position since I work with execs myself so yes, I am hanging in there. I am just struggling to get over the orchestrated charade he made last weekend is all .

[LittleTiger]

He sounds like a good guy to me - if a little overworked and overwrought.

 

It might help if you can remember that generally, men in relationships like to please their women. They like to make their partner happy, they do their best not upset her and they like the relationship to run smoothly.

 

Sometimes they tell fibs in order to keep their partner happy. I don't mean out and out lies, that's a different thing. A fibs is an untruth, not intended to cause hurt and generally not something that will cause major upset if it's discovered. It's designed to keep things on even keel, so he doesn't have to deal with the woman's displeasure, disappointment or, if she's the fiery type, anger.

 

I think this is one of those situations. He didn't feel able to deal with the possible repercussions of telling you the whole truth so he made something up to buy time. He sent you a message to let you know the truth as soon as felt he could. He confessed everything, did his best to explain why he'd done it, and he did it by email so you would have time to think and maybe calm down before he talked to you.

 

Men aren't perfect and sometimes they make mistakes. From what you've said I think you can rest easy and forgive him for this one. If you can also reassure him that you would have understood, he will eventually trust you enough so that he doesn't feel any need to do something like that again in the future.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree he sounds overworked, also stressed and exhausted, it is not easy holding down a full on job as well as a LDR.

 

I don't agree that he doesn't owe her an explanation just because they're not married, I'm not married but my r/ship is as valid to me as a marriage and so was my last r/ship which lasted two decades.

 

 

This man is overworked and, on top of that, is jetlagged. It's amazing how executives like this can function from day to day. If you are insecure, I'd say end the relationship because he doesn't need more aggravation from you. I know men like this. You aren't married so he doesn't owe you any explanation.

 

How much longer will his job be like this? If he gets a promotion he won't have to travel so much and will make more money. You could ultimately benefit from that if you get married. Are you willing to wait?

[HeavenOrHell]

I have to admit it would worry me as well about him weaving a story like that, it would make me think how will I know when he's lying and when he's not, but he did send you a lovely email and tried to explain, stress can make people act out of character a little at times.

Maybe talk it all through when you next see him face to face.

 

 

Thank you for your response Roaminghart. In my heart I know that he was telling the truth. My only concern is why go through all the other charade? And if he is capable of weaving a story just to make his claim believable, what else is he capable of doing? I guess those are my main concern.

[LittleTiger]

I have to admit it would worry me as well about him weaving a story like that, it would make me think how will I know when he's lying and when he's not, but he did send you a lovely email and tried to explain, stress can make people act out of character a little at times.

Maybe talk it all through when you next see him face to face.

 

That's the thing though HOH. She did know he was lying- and he realised that she knew. Which suggests that their relationship is generally very open and honest. You have a great relationship with your guy so I think you would also know if he wasn't being straight with you. Your intuition and past experience would tell you.

 

The OPs SO doesn't appear to lie easily and he obviously needed to own up to it ASAP. Which makes him a good guy in my opinion. I don't believe anyone is 100% honest 100% of the time. We all tell white lies occasionally to keep the peace, whether it's to our partner, family, friends or colleagues. It's a fact of life. This was just a white lie that was slightly bigger than it needed to be.

 

I hope she can forgive him and move on from it.

[nugget_718]

Littletiger and HoH, thank you so very much to you both. Your insight helped a lot opening my eyes and come to a realization that we do have a very good thing going. I was also going through a lot of stress due to the biopsy and my mind was swirling with worry and overwhelming emotion that I was not very open minded and understanding. He has a lot going on with his group and he is struggling with the fact that he can't be with me due to his extensive travel that comes with his new position and i failed to see that.

 

I have to admit it would worry me as well about him weaving a story like that, it would make me think how will I know when he's lying and when he's not, but he did send you a lovely email and tried to explain, stress can make people act out of character a little at times.

Maybe talk it all through when you next see him face to face.

 

We had talked more since last weekend and I have come to terms with the fib. I admit, i was very concerned there for a while because of the kind of relationship we have...us being so far away and all. And I believe that anyone in my position will feel the same way. They would be lying if they said they won't.

 

Like what Littletiger said:

I don't believe anyone is 100% honest 100% of the time. We all tell white lies occasionally to keep the peace, whether it's to our partner, family, friends or colleagues. It's a fact of life. This was just a white lie that was slightly bigger than it needed to be.

 

I too am guilty for doing this so yes, I am choosing to forgive him and move on from this so I can concentrate on my current medical dilemma.

[LittleTiger]

I am choosing to forgive him and move on from this so I can concentrate on my current medical dilemma.

 

That's great news.

 

I hope everything turns out well for you healthwise.

[nugget_718]

I hope so Littletiger. And thank you for your kind words.

[nugget_718]

I hope she can forgive him and move on from it.

 

Forgiving is easy and i did choose to forget and move on. But forgetting? I'd say from experience easier said than done.

 

We have decided to part ways last Friday. It was a mutual decision as I was struggling to fully trust him once again after the big charade. I start questioning and second guessing him. Started having doubts about every single dinners, business trips...is he really where he says he is? Is he really having client dinners? Is he really playing golf with his clients and his boss? Endless doubts. And I don't want to be stuck in that cycle and the distance makes it extremely hard to mend back that crack in the relationship.

 

His work is not making it easy either as he was suppose to be here this week and once again that is not happening as he's thrown to yet another flight not to the US but Asia. It has been almost 3 months since we haven't seen each other and with the current problem at hand, it was the last straw. I was hoping that he'd find a way for us to be physically together at least extend the invitation to join him on his business trip...like we have done in the past...but he is too immersed on his work to even think that route and I am not about to invite myself. I understand how important his work is to him and I am not about to make him choose but then if I screwed up like he did, I would at least try to go the extra mile and think of some ways to be together.

 

I am hurting and as much as I want us to work through this, a decision has been made to end things. He says he still wants us to communicate, to see each other when he is in town and then maybe talk more about us but what difference would that do really? It will not change the fact that we will still be in LDR. It will not change the fact that I will be 2nd to his job. It will not change the fact that when pushed against a wall, I will be the collateral damage. Maybe I am too hurt right now to think clearly.

[TMichaels]

I am hurting and as much as I want us to work through this, a decision has been made to end things. He says he still wants us to communicate, to see each other when he is in town and then maybe talk more about us but what difference would that do really? It will not change the fact that we will still be in LDR. It will not change the fact that I will be 2nd to his job. It will not change the fact that when pushed against a wall, I will be the collateral damage. Maybe I am too hurt right now to think clearly.

 

Nope. I'd say you're doing incredibly well in the "thinking about it rationally department."

 

It takes an incredible amount of courage to do what you did, but it's important to have boundaries and not cave when the going gets tough.

 

Keep it up. You did the right thing.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[nugget_718]

Nope. I'd say you're doing incredibly well in the "thinking about it rationally department."

 

It takes an incredible amount of courage to do what you did, but it's important to have boundaries and not cave when the going gets tough.

 

Keep it up. You did the right thing.

 

Thank you TMichaels for your kind words. I have started NC since Friday and not respond to his messages asking how I am doing. How does he think I'm doing? It's tough to delete a message knowing full well my heart is aching to connect with him in some ways. But I have to do what is best for me. I have to look after my feelings now. I have been suppressing all the disappointments and frustrations everytime he tells me that he's not going to make it to see me as he needs to immediately put out a fire at a customer. I would have fought for our relationship until we are ready to bridge the distance but fighting on your own is not gonna cut it with LDR. There are a lot of ways for us to continue and sustain our once a month meeting; whether I meet him at some country he's flying or do a stop over to where I'm at on his way back home. He knows that money and time off is not a problem for me but it is what it is. I can't undo what's already been done...I can only move forward.

[LittleTiger]

So sorry to hear this nugget.

 

Sometimes LDRs are just too difficult to sustain for all sorts of reasons and you're right - it takes equal work and commitment from both people.

 

Well done for staying strong.

[nugget_718]

So sorry to hear this nugget.

 

Sometimes LDRs are just too difficult to sustain for all sorts of reasons and you're right - it takes equal work and commitment from both people.

 

Well done for staying strong.

 

Thanks LittleTiger. Like they said, healing starts from within. I know and made peace with the fact that I will always be further down his list and priorities. It will be selfish of me to make him choose or badger him when he is under a lot of stress already. I can only do so much in terms of understanding his situation. The thing that makes me sad though is that we still love each other so much to this day. We had to resort to a breakup to make sure the time apart doesn't turn one of us (it will be more like me)to a hateful and resentful person.

[missunshine]

There always comes a day when you need to make a decision taking into consideration all what has been going on. And you have made it. It is all gonna be all right. :*

[nugget_718]

There always comes a day when you need to make a decision taking into consideration all what has been going on. And you have made it. It is all gonna be all right. :*

 

Thanks for your words of encouragement Missunshine. Don't get me wrong, it was a gut-wrenching decision. But being in LDR is roller coaster enough. To be lied to while in it is a big blow. I don't want to be stuck in the muck of doubts and suspicion so I had to do the most logical thing and that is to get out while the damage is still easier to handle.

[nugget_718]

It was tough having the talk about ending my LDR. I said I was not surprise by it but come to think of it, I was blindsided a bit. Because the last few weeks, he has been trying really hard to make some time for me in the middle of his busy schedule. He has been back to messaging me before I wake up in the morning just so I know that he is thinking about me. But now that my head is clearer and the blinders are off, I realized that all the signs were blinking towards our impending doom. Looking back now, as I did a lot of self-reflection, the reason why I overlooked all the "signs" is because of my love for him. I was willing to accept all the reasons he gave why things aren't happening the way they suppose to. I would be overly disappointed but then I try to convince myself that my disappointments are due to my expectations. I now realized how wrong I was to give justification to his actions. I now see how unhappy I was for a long time due to all the frustrations and disappointments but because I was born a fierce fighter, I fought for what i want even if that is something I knew was not right for me all along.

 

Someone in here (i think it was HeavenorHell) says LDR is not for the faint of heart. That statement is so right! There are times when I say, I wish the reason for our breakup is because he had found someone then I can really hate him and my hatred might make it easier to cope. Crazy thought I know. Then I try to convince myself that this was all based on a fantasy but our eyes were open going to the relationship. I remember us having a talk about what were getting ourselves into and he was the one who says we have the maturity to deal with it not to mention a successful career which takes the money out of the equation. What a roller coaster ride it has been. For those of you still in LDR, I salute you and wish you all the best.