How Do I Know When She is Ready?

[Tk123]

Hello there! I've made several posts on these forums and have received some great responses. I appreciate all the help I've received and I hope I can get some help with something going on in my LDR.

 

Anyways I met my partner online. We talk every day whether it be over texts, Skype, etc. I truly love her and I believe she feels the same way about me. The only flaw in our relationship I would say is when it comes to discussing a meet-up.

 

When we first started dating (in early January), we agreed that we will meet in person sometime this summer. I am by all means ready to take off or do whatever I have to do to meet this girl but I feel she isn't as ready as I am. Whenever I bring up the topic of meeting up she either changes the topic or simply says "I don't know what's going to happen this summer." However, when we get intimate with each other she says things like "I bet you can't wait for blah blah blah this summer". (Don't want to say what she actually says as it's a bit inappropriate ;p)

 

So I am a bit confused as to know when she's ready to meet up. I finish my college work within a month and she works a steady job (we are both 20 years old). I was really hoping to shoot for a meeting in late May during Memorial Day or something but I'm scared if I bring up the subject this far ahead that she will just change the subject or do what she always does.

 

Any help or assistance I could get I would greatly appreciate. I don't know how many more months of this long distance I can do without one meeting in person. I'm sticking it out in hopes that she does come through eventually.

Edited April 16, 2013 by Tk123

[january2011]

Bring up the approximate date for your meetup again. If she changes the subject, point that out. Say that you want to talk about this as you feel that you can't go on for many more months without a face-to-face meetup.

 

If she is scared, then suggest a date-like meetup rather than an overnighter with you staying with her. Treat it like a road/day trip in that you are visiting her location and seeing her is a bonus. This means that you book your own accommodation if you do want to spend a few days there, but also make plans for sightseeing and other activities. Activities that she is welcome to join in on, but there's no pressure to spend time with you if she's working.

[Tk123]

Bring up the approximate date for your meetup again. If she changes the subject, point that out. Say that you want to talk about this as you feel that you can't go on for many more months without a face-to-face meetup.

 

If she is scared, then suggest a date-like meetup rather than an overnighter with you staying with her. Treat it like a road/day trip in that you are visiting her location and seeing her is a bonus. This means that you book your own accommodation if you do want to spend a few days there, but also make plans for sightseeing and other activities. Activities that she is welcome to join in on, but there's no pressure to spend time with you if she's working.

 

Thank you for the response! So you think it's worth bringing it up to her now even though Memorial Day is a good month off? I don't want to come off as hounding or desperate to her and scare her away.

[january2011]

Thank you for the response! So you think it's worth bringing it up to her now even though Memorial Day is a good month off? I don't want to come off as hounding or desperate to her and scare her away.

 

Yes, because you need to plan in advance and book tickets/a place to stay.

 

If you cannot talk about meeting face-to-face, then I'm not sure how you are going to get to the stage where you can talk about relocating to be with each other.

 

I can understand that she might be scared, but there really is no point in continuing the LDR if she never wants to meet in person. As much as some LDRs can drag on for years without meeting in person, I'd imagine that both parties would need to have very strong faith and confidence in the relationship to be able to sustain it for that length of time. Do you? Does she?

[Tk123]

Yes, because you need to plan in advance and book tickets/a place to stay.

 

If you cannot talk about meeting face-to-face, then I'm not sure how you are going to get to the stage where you can talk about relocating to be with each other.

 

I can understand that she might be scared, but there really is no point in continuing the LDR if she never wants to meet in person. As much as some LDRs can drag on for years without meeting in person, I'd imagine that both parties would need to have very strong faith and confidence in the relationship to be able to sustain it for that length of time. Do you? Does she?

 

This is honestly my first LDR. I've stayed loyal and been a part of this for quite a few months now and although I love her, I feel like it's a "virtual" relationship sometimes. On a number of occasions I've offered to drive down there and see her but she had a family crisis to take care of so we never met.

 

She's a good 10 hours away by car/train and I really want to meet her. At this point I'm not sure if she's scared or just not taking this as serious as I am. As you mentioned I don't see the point in this relationship if she has no intentions of ever meeting in person. We talk every day over the phone and on Skype I'm not sure what she could be afraid of, it's not like I'm a creeper.

 

I just don't know if I should ask her straight up what she's doing for Memorial Day or if I should bring it up differently. Point of the matter is, summer is right around the corner and I'm going to be out of college for a few months. Although, I will be working during that down time, that's not going to stop me from trying to meet her. We agreed on meeting in "summer" which I haven't realized until now can be such a broad term. Is "summer" end of May/beginning of June or is it last month of August/beginning of September?

 

I don't want to phrase it like this but why should I waste my whole summer staying loyal in this relationship if she has no intention to meet me? The thing is: she never said that she never wanted to meet me, however for the amount of times she has shot my offers down to see her, that's what it feels like to me.

[january2011]

Be honest with her. As you wrote, ask her what she's doing on memorial day and suggest that you drive down to see her. If she says that she's busy, tell her that it's the earliest opportunity to meet up before you start working and you'd really like to visit before you get too stuck into your summar job.

 

If she keeps coming up with excuses, then I think you need to be direct and ask her what's going on. That you'd like her to be honest with you as you get the feeling that she's reluctant to meet up. You can tell her that you understand she might be scared, that you are too (if it's true). But you'd reallly like to spend some time with her in person, even if it's only for a few hours.

[justwhoiam]

Memorial Day is in May, and it's still Spring and not Summer yet. She's convinced you will meet her this Summer. So yeah, don't push it. Summer's after June 21

[Tk123]

Thank you both for the responses! This is why I'm stuck with deciding what to do! Some people are telling me to wait for some time to go by, while other people are telling me to get a head start and ask her a month early what she has planned.

 

I really don't know what I should do. Part of me wants to wait and part of me NEEDS to find out what's going on and why we can't coordinate a date to meet.

[ana0pera]

A month is not too early to start coordinating a visit, especially if it's the first one! You should feel comfortable talking to her about this if you guys are in a relationship. Approach the subject carefully but don't be afraid to approach it, ask her if that works for her and if it doesn't ask her when. if she says she doesn't know tell her how you feel, that you don't want to pressure her but you're getting anxious and would like to figure it out soon. It's nerve-wracking but planning visits tends to be fun! good luck!!

[Feelin Frisky]

Hi Tk, I have recent experience in this area and hope I can help. First thing you have to learn that isn't taught and most people get it wrong at least once, is that the wonderful thing we call "romance" is only about "wanting" someone who you fancy--not "having" them. The entire dynamic changes when you actually have each other. That doesn't mean you lose your affection, it does however mean that you were in love with a dream, a belief, a composite picture that the pleasure center in your mind created that only reflects the good. That's why it becomes so compelling and feels like you're so in love with someone you've never met. She may have concerns that meeting will place her in a position where she "has" you more than she wants for that time--like you'll run out of reasons to be together once you satisfy that want to have. Some folks find out right away that something's not what they expected and feel trapped and, at worst, give up and go home in emotional despair. There's no way you can tell the extents of her concerns or the nature or assure her categorically even if she tells you them. I was fortunate that my meeting was even more than I hoped and we had a great time for several days. But you'll find very quickly when you return home that things like phone sex don't work any more and nothing is a substitute for continuing to really be together. This puts a lot of pressure on one or both to grab the moment and start seeing someone they can just meet up with on any spur of the moment. The "want" which made for that compelling feeling of love turns into "having had" and now that you know the ins and outs of the truth, the artificial mind sex ends. You can limp along planning another trip, but there's a different vibe and as a rule women don't have to do much more than smile at someone else for a guy to get all gaga about them. Certainly it has been the guy who has been guilty in many a scenario but I don't think it's unfair to say women have an advantage if not all the power. The LDR guy is then is a state of confusion wondering if it was him, why this, why that. There may be good reason why this or why that but over-riding it all is that the dream that was the object of love is changed or killed. It is now a real person who needs instead of an image or dream than can be subdued when one wants to stop thinking about them. And for some, someone else, perhaps even next door neighbor will do. Any resemblance to persons real or fictional is coincidental.

[Tk123]

A month is not too early to start coordinating a visit, especially if it's the first one! You should feel comfortable talking to her about this if you guys are in a relationship. Approach the subject carefully but don't be afraid to approach it, ask her if that works for her and if it doesn't ask her when. if she says she doesn't know tell her how you feel, that you don't want to pressure her but you're getting anxious and would like to figure it out soon. It's nerve-wracking but planning visits tends to be fun! good luck!!

 

Thanks for the advice! I agree with you; I really think I may give this a try in a couple of days. I'm playing things out right now and don't want her to seem like I'm rushing but it's been 4 months without a meeting (I know doesn't sound like much for some LDRS) and I'm getting anxious.

 

I'm sorry I'm doing this from my phone so I can't multi quote but @Feelin Frisky, thanks for the response. I don't want to jump to any conclusions yet before I meet her. I know there's a possibility that I may not feel the same about her when I meet her in person compared to how I feel about her currently. I'm keeping an open mind into this and I'm sure the first meeting is going to be a magical one regardless of where it goes after that.

Edited April 17, 2013 by Tk123

[Tk123]

So today I decided to man up and tell her how I was feeling and brought up the whole thing about hanging out. I told her I don't know how many more months of LDR I can do without a meeting.Her exact words to me were:

 

"I'm just really really scared that shts going to happen and I'm not going to be the same girl that you love when you meet me. I'm scared that you're going to change after we meet, I'm scared."

 

I told her that I'm scared and anxious as well and that I love her no matter what happens when we meet. The subject slowly slid away and then she claimed she is tired and needed some rest (she didn't go to work today).

 

I know she has some depression issues and stuff but what should I get out of this? Does this mean she has no intention of seeing me because of her fear? What am I to do? I politely and lovingly told her that it's okay and that we won't know how things will work out unless we try it.

 

I'm currently a mix of upset and confused

Edited April 18, 2013 by Tk123

[january2011]

we won't know how things will work out unless we try it.

 

Pretty much this.

 

Until you meet, you're not going to know. So it comes down to who has the least/most patience to continue the relationship without meeting face-to-face.

 

I was scared and still flew thousands of miles to see him - that's me though. If you don't meet, ever, then the relationship is not really sustainable, is it?

[Tk123]

Pretty much this.

 

Until you meet, you're not going to know. So it comes down to who has the least/most patience to continue the relationship without meeting face-to-face.

 

I was scared and still flew thousands of miles to see him - that's me though. If you don't meet, ever, then the relationship is not really sustainable, is it?

 

I agree with you 100%. She seems hurt and depressed that I brought this all up but I'm being completely honest with her. She didn't tell me if she needs more time she just told me she's really scared. I'm being as patient as I can but we are going on 5 months soon and I see no drive to meet even once. Hell I'll even be happy with a hang out for even a couple hours despite the 10 hours between us.

[justwhoiam]

Hell I'll even be happy with a hang out for even a couple hours despite the 10 hours between us.

But she won't be. Is that so hard to understand? If you think you can really love her, be patient. Otherwise move on.

[Tk123]

But she won't be. Is that so hard to understand? If you think you can really love her, be patient. Otherwise move on.

 

I've been patient and very cooperative with her. I told her straight up that I can't do many more months of this without seeing her in person at least once. I haven't brought up the subject anymore ever since we talked about it last week.

 

Does it even look like my chances of meeting her this summer are there anymore? I don't even know when I should bring up the topic of meeting anymore since it seems to be so "touchy" to her. I guess I just remain silent at this point unless she brings it up?

 

As January mentioned in earlier posts, what's the point of a LDR or any relationship for that matter if one of the members shows no motivation to meet in person?

 

And she confuses me saying things like "I wish you were here right now" or "I bet you can't wait to see me this summer". What is that supposed to mean? Why doesn't SHE bring up the topic for once? Is she not committed?

Edited April 23, 2013 by Tk123

[justwhoiam]

As I said, Summer is from June 21 on. Plan ahead after that date, with her. She's hesitant and you need to be encouraging. Never lose hope or will. But honestly, if you know you can last a few weeks, I'd say you'd better give up now and move on. It seems like she needs more time.