He could visit - but isnt sure if he will or not.

[Unprepared]

I met my boyfriend while working abroad. We were together six months and he left one month ago to go travel. He has six more months in this region of the world before traveling home in September. He was sad to go, but wished to travel, as was always his plan.

 

But he gave hope that he may return to me in June for two months. This way we could have time together before both going to our seperate home countries, then reuniting in a furthur nine months. This decision was always going to be fifty/fifty for him. He left many belongings here at my place (I'm to send them on if he doesnt return.)

 

I have brought up the topic a few times since he left and he says he doesnt know what hes going to do. The thought of returning here is depressing when compared to the prospect of further travel, he says. He gets annoyed when I broach the topic and says there is nothing to discuss until he decides what hes doing. I feel like my life is on hold while I wait, the seperation was hard and if I knew I could see him again soon I could cope better.

 

Is he being selfish? Am I unreasonable for even thinking that he might be?

 

He says if he returns here, it is only for me. Which kind of makes me take it personally if he doesnt.

 

He says he has no idea when he'll make his decision. In the meantime I'm trying to bite my tongue about it.

 

It's really affecting me.

[LittleTiger]

Unprepared, I'm sorry to say this but I don't believe your boyfriend is committed to you or your relationship.

 

If you two have spent six months together 'falling in love' (as you said in your other thread), and he has the freedom to be wherever in the world he wants to be, why isn't he choosing to be with you?

 

What reason does he give for needing to travel right now? Couldn't it wait until you have finished your studies so that you can travel together?

 

If he really can't wait for some reason , what is stopping him from making frequent visits back to wherever you are to spend time with you? Regular visits are a necessity for a successful LDR.

 

If he really isn't willing to compromise or to make you and your relationship a priority ie at least as important as his travelling, if not more so, then I believe you are wasting your time.

 

Men who are in love do not deliberately stay away from the object of their affection. At least not for longer than is absolutely necessary.

 

I'm sorry if it hurts to hear that but it is the truth and you would be better facing up to it now before any more emotional damage is done.

[Unprepared]

Little Tiger, thank you for your words. They do hurt, but the same notions have began to haunt me recently.

 

Before he left he seemed to think he would know what his plan was by April. Now, he says he has no idea when he'll know. I was confused, and hurt by his unwillingness to discuss it further. I think to myself, how could he be depressed in the place where I am, when this place depresses me without him?

 

It was always his plan to travel now, he saved up for it in the country where we met. He booked his flight to leave after we were seeing each other a few weeks. I heard from a friend he agonised over this. Because he must return home in September, he has limited time left in this region. I understand traveling now was his dream, and he currently has the resources to do it.

 

While I completely see his point...I am struggling with the lack of commitment it shows.

 

If I throw in the towel now, I know I'll regret it. I don't know what to do next.

[LittleTiger]

If I throw in the towel now, I know I'll regret it. I don't know what to do next.

 

I don't think it's possible to know if you'll regret it. You might well feel a huge sense of relief. However, if you're not ready to throw in the towel, then don't.

 

Just don't kid yourself that he is 'all in' because he clearly isn't. If he was committed to you and your relationship he would be coming back to visit you, not just thinking about it as a possibility. Even leaving his stuff with the 'get out clause' that you will send it on to him if he doesn't return is a major red flag in my opinion.

 

I wish you the best of luck with this but I do feel you are going to get your heart badly broken.

[FitChick]

Did he say he wouldn't date or have sex with other women while he was abroad? If not, you should date other men to see how you really feel about him. You may find someone you like better and who wants to be with you. You won't know until you try it.

[Unprepared]

Yes, we agreed to not date other people or be involved with other people.

 

I really have zero interest in dating other people.

 

I still love him, and want our relationship to work. I'm just trying to look at the bigger picture right now and decide what to do next. I don't think I should have to wait for an unlimited length of time whil ehe decides to visit or not. Yet, I'm becoming so exhausted to even broach the topic again.

[LittleTiger]

I have brought up the topic a few times since he left and he says he doesnt know what hes going to do. The thought of returning here is depressing when compared to the prospect of further travel, he says. He gets annoyed when I broach the topic and says there is nothing to discuss until he decides what hes doing.

 

He gets annoyed when you want to talk about something that is really important to you and says there is nothing to discuss until he decides what he's doing?

 

So he gets to decide when you talk, he gets to decide if he wants the relationship to continue and he gets to decide when it continues.

 

He finds the thought of returning to be with you depressing? So what makes you think he's coming back?

 

He wants you to sit around at home, while he goes off on a 'jolly' for who knows how long, and he'll let you know if/when he's ready to pick up where you left off?

 

He is showing you very clearly who he really is. If you don't want to waste your life you might want to pay attention!

[2sunny]

He's too selfish - not even capable of considering your feelings!

 

Stat dating others- even if you don't feel up to it - and tell him you will.

[breakmyfall]

Unprepared, we're in similar situations, but the other way around. My (ex) bf and I met back home and were together for 6 months before I went away travelling. I travelled for 5 months then came to live in Canada for about 9 months. All of this was planned and all flights booked before I met him. Even so, he always talked about coming here to visit me, or even to live for a few months, then going back home together. He's sick of his job anyway, he gets paid really well and could easily save the money to do it, nothing's really stopping him, yet he still isnt coming. It's been a couple months now since he dropped the subject altogether, doesnt like talking about it, doesnt like it when i bring it up. He knows i cant go home early cause i just got a job and need to save some money again before i can go home.

 

I know it hurts to admit it, but if these guys really loved us, they would want to be close to us. Sometimes i dont want to face it, yet it is the truth. What's stopping him from getting on a plane to come see me, even if only for a few weeks? What's stopping your boyfriend from getting on a plane to go be with the girl he loves?

 

I also wondered many times, like you, if I was being selfish, expecting this from him (especially in my case seeing as i was the one who left). But the truth is I have seen men when they are in love, and men in love will move freakin mountains. They will literally do anything to fight for the woman they love. Just take a look at this website, see how many men are crazy about their girls, or pining for their exes, some even years after a break up. Cause when men love, they love for real.

[Unprepared]

Little Tiger - I hear what you're saying.

 

We texted briefly today and I let it out. I basically told him this is an important issue, and if he's going to get annoyed at me broaching it, it's ridiculous. He argued that I made a decision to return to Uni, and he supported this. So, he must feel like I should support his desire to travel.

 

He's willing to try LD even if he doesnt visit and if I return to Uni. That's not the issue, moreso how hes choosing to spend this time. Our conversation had to be cut short. I feel better for letting it out and being strong about it. I wonder if I am perhaps being selfish by being unsupportive of further travel (rather than visiting me)?

 

Break My Fall - I have actually read some of your threads and I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Have you ended the R? I can relate to your feelings of anguish when queries about meeting up again are met by silence or annoyance! It drives me insane.

 

At the same time, your situation provided me with a different insight. You were the one to leave, and you are still very much in love with him. You have chose to stay away longer and put hope in the R lasting. If I felt that level of commitment from my man I'd be content. But if I understand correctly, you are far from home and a visit home for you is not possible. It is up to him to make that effort. In my situation, I am bound by work for 6 months, then Uni for nine. Though I am willing to make visits during Uni. I just want to see him make that effort in these six months.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Unprepared

[breakmyfall]

Yeah we're not together at the moment. We were never officially in an LDR, but we were pretty much in one, as for the first 5 months after me leaving we messaged almost every day, several times a day, skyped or talked on the phone a few times (but not all the time), still called each other all pet names, he wanted to come visit me in Canada etc. But over December and January we had a lot of arguments (mostly due to his flakiness/indecision) so around January we decided to "be friends" (as if that ever works when you love someone)

 

Since then we have less contact, but still message around twice a week...although no more pet names or lots of i miss you's etc. It's more of a friendly/sometimes flirty conversation. It kills me because I miss what we had so much, yet he doesn't have what it takes to commit to an LDR, so this is the only way for me to keep the door open for us to reunite when i get back (even though it may not even happen and maybe im just putting myself through hurt and stress for no reason)

 

If it makes you feel better though, I'll say one thing. I LOVE this guy, I really do. But when I met him, I had the trip of my dreams all planned out. 3 months of European travelling, plus 2 and a half months in South America with my family, plus 6 to 9 months in Canada, with a few trips to other places (U.S, Alaska etc). I worked hard to save money to make all of this happen for me. And even though I didnt plan to fall in love before leaving and it still happened, even though my heart ached every time i remembered i was going to have to leave him...if he had asked me to give up on my trip and stay with him, there is no way i would have done it. This trip has been the most amazing experience of my life and i am so glad i never even considered giving it up, for him or anyone else.

 

I would go home sooner than planned to be with him...that i would do. I cant because of money basically. If your bf has the chance to momentarily stop his travels to visit you, the carry on...i dont see why he wouldnt do it. I would have done it, if i could. But giving up on the trip, no way.

[breakmyfall]

and yes...i dont know if this helps you or make things worse for you lol...but since i left home i have been to 3 continents, 12 countries, nearly 35 cities, i met a lot of new people, lots of new guys, even kissed some, but my mind has been on him ALL THE TIME, every day. There hasnt been one single day over the last 7 months when I have questioned my feelings for him.

 

My friends constantly said to me "you have to remember it's harder for him, you're out there going to places, living an adventure, meeting new people every day, while he's home on the same routine day after day". And it's true, however as I said, I thought about him everywhere I went.

 

The body may go to places, but the heart will stay where it belongs

[Unprepared]

Break My Fall - I admire that you planned what sounds like an amazing trip and were determined to follow through with it.

 

Travel is important to me and my bf also. And I thought long and hard about it and traveling for the next six months, though not as thoroughly planned as your trip, was always his aim when he finished work here. He feels 'done' with the country where we met, but I can see he is suffering under the decision to come back or not because I know he wants to see me.

 

There has been two arguments over it now, and I don't think there will be more because I'm accepting that travel is important to him. His indecision hurts, but I feel deep down he wont return, and when he finally tells me that I can deal with the hurting then. I'll just keep hoping for now that he makes it happen.

 

That last bit did help! Sometimes I get insecure about all the ladies probably flirting with him etc etc But I know he misses me. And if I continue to stay in his heart then I guess it'll be meant to be.

 

I'm sorry your R ended, and I hope that you are coping okay with it. I hope it's not taking away from the enjoyment of your travels.

[justwhoiam]

he left one month ago to go travel. He has six more months in this region of the world before traveling home in September. He was sad to go, but wished to travel, as was always his plan.

...

he says he doesnt know what hes going to do. The thought of returning here is depressing when compared to the prospect of further travel, he says.

...

He says if he returns here, it is only for me.

 

Is he being selfish? Am I unreasonable for even thinking that he might be?

You need to separate the place you're at and yourself. So one thing is you and one thing is the place. He's not willing to return to that place, as I see it, but that has nothing to do with you, and you shouldn't take it personally. On the other hand, how is he supporting himself for this 7-month traveling? I would ask him what if you went along with him for 6 months? Would that spoil his trip or make it the best dream ever? That's the question... Regardless of you doing that, I would still pop the question. And then see how much he loves you.