he lied to everyone about his trip to see me

[meeji]

My ex and I had been going back and forth about whether or not this visit was going to happen. The final decision was "yes." He told everyone we had broken up, which was true and that he wasn't going to come here. Then we talk and he changes his mind. He had to undo his canceled request at work and re-book his canceled flight.

 

Tonight he tells me that he lied to everyone and told them he was going on a surprise trip to Spain so not to mention it. He tells me the only person who knows the truth is his cousin. When I asked why, he said they talked him out of coming and he doesn't agree that it is the right thing to do. He says he owes me an explanation and an apology and that if they knew, they would try to make him change his mind.

 

I have very strange feelings about this. He can never say no to his friends and I will never understand it. Its kind of a big lie. It makes me feel better about my decision to end it but I just have a bad feeling.

 

One other thing, I called the airline to find out what he had to pay to have his flight re-instated and they told me it was an active reservation and the flight was never canceled. I'm waiting until he gets here to confront him about that. Any opinions?

[Els]

I think this would be the last of your worries at this point of time. If you've decided to meet and talk, there are far bigger root issues in your R to resolve than this.

[Allumere]

My ex and I had been going back and forth about whether or not this visit was going to happen. The final decision was "yes." He told everyone we had broken up, which was true and that he wasn't going to come here. Then we talk and he changes his mind. He had to undo his canceled request at work and re-book his canceled flight.

 

Tonight he tells me that he lied to everyone and told them he was going on a surprise trip to Spain so not to mention it. He tells me the only person who knows the truth is his cousin. When I asked why, he said they talked him out of coming and he doesn't agree that it is the right thing to do. He says he owes me an explanation and an apology and that if they knew, they would try to make him change his mind.

 

I have very strange feelings about this. He can never say no to his friends and I will never understand it. Its kind of a big lie. It makes me feel better about my decision to end it but I just have a bad feeling.

 

One other thing, I called the airline to find out what he had to pay to have his flight re-instated and they told me it was an active reservation and the flight was never canceled. I'm waiting until he gets here to confront him about that. Any opinions?

 

 

Who knows? Depends on airlines. If cancelled and funds credited to account then it would be a new reservation....surprised you were able to get that kind of information. Airlines dont generally give out passenger information like that unless you were the one purchasing the tickets. Anyway, asking or challenging him on this off the bat will put him on the defensive so whatever he came to discuss could go out the window. I figure if the guy is spending this money and taking the time just go with it and see what he says. Now if you really are done with him and dont care what he has to say then tell him not to come.

[ana0pera]

Hey Meeji,

 

I wouldn't focus on these little things during the visit. The bigger issue is that you broke up because of his commitment issues (if I remember correctly) and this lying fits into that bigger problem--he is afraid of what his friends would think. Don't read too much into the plane ticket being cancelled/not being cancelled--it will drive you crazy.

 

How long is he coming to visit you? Is there a possibility at all that you'll get back together? If not, I would try to just discuss the issue at hand and make a clean break.

[meeji]

Hey Meeji,

 

I wouldn't focus on these little things during the visit. The bigger issue is that you broke up because of his commitment issues (if I remember correctly) and this lying fits into that bigger problem--he is afraid of what his friends would think. Don't read too much into the plane ticket being cancelled/not being cancelled--it will drive you crazy.

 

How long is he coming to visit you? Is there a possibility at all that you'll get back together? If not, I would try to just discuss the issue at hand and make a clean break.

 

Well, the first lie was the cancellation of the original flight then he lied about coming here so ... Its not so much about whether or not the flight was canceled or whatever at this point because he is coming. Its the fact that he is intentionally lying to people and is not cool in my book. I am not trying to work on his commitment issues. That is for him to sort out on his own. I gave our relationship everything I could and there is nothing left for me to do. With that said, I do not have intentions of getting back together with him. He will be here for 9 days.

 

Its the lying that I just can't stand. I

 

Once we exchange words and belongings, I guess it doesn't matter as far as his visit is concerned. But... I will completely cut him out of my life if he tries to justify his behavior. I can be understanding if you''re confused. I can accept that you are afraid of things. I can accept that you aren't ready to grow up. I can even accept the fact that someone doesn't love me. I cannot keep bad company and having personal issues is one thing but taking advantage of people is a different story.

 

 

Thats the only reason why I care. It will determine how I deal with him in the future.

[meeji]

Who knows? Depends on airlines. If cancelled and funds credited to account then it would be a new reservation....surprised you were able to get that kind of information. Airlines dont generally give out passenger information like that unless you were the one purchasing the tickets. Anyway, asking or challenging him on this off the bat will put him on the defensive so whatever he came to discuss could go out the window. I figure if the guy is spending this money and taking the time just go with it and see what he says. Now if you really are done with him and dont care what he has to say then tell him not to come.

 

Apparently, he has a lot to say to me and I guess that is why he is coming. I wasn't planning on attacking him as soon as he got off the plane but I do think I should eventually bring it up. I understand he is worried about what his friends think but he is an an adult and he should have half a mind to make decisions for himself.

 

It blows my mind that he somehow came to the conclusion that lying would solve the problem. I'm definitely going to hear him out before I bring up any of the things I have to say.

 

His flight will land here in about 12 hours.

[meeji]

I think this would be the last of your worries at this point of time. If you've decided to meet and talk, there are far bigger root issues in your R to resolve than this.

 

Are you suggesting that something is wrong with me because I agreed to see him? Do tell.

 

I'm not planning to get back with him and if that were the case, I would agree wtih you. I guess I thought that if he came and we could talk about everything I would get some closure but between then and now I read

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol: 9780440506256: Amazon.com: Books and I feel a lot better about everything. Things make a lot more sense.

[Els]

Are you suggesting that something is wrong with me because I agreed to see him? Do tell.

 

I'm not planning to get back with him and if that were the case, I would agree wtih you. I guess I thought that if he came and we could talk about everything I would get some closure but between then and now I read

He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships: Steven Carter, Julia Sokol: 9780440506256: Amazon.com: Books and I feel a lot better about everything. Things make a lot more sense.

 

No, I absolutely did not suggest that 'something is wrong with you'. I meant what I said. This airline shenanigan is only a gnat on the surface of the bigger picture of your relationship. If you are going to have any sort of productive conversation at all, be it for closure or reconciliation, you need to talk about the bigger picture.

[ana0pera]

Tonight he tells me that he lied to everyone and told them he was going on a surprise trip to Spain so not to mention it. He tells me the only person who knows the truth is his cousin. When I asked why, he said they talked him out of coming and he doesn't agree that it is the right thing to do. He says he owes me an explanation and an apology and that if they knew, they would try to make him change his mind.

 

Not trying to justify his behavior, but I am trying to see from his perspective and as a result I am going to play devil's advocate:

 

He seems confused and he's probably hurting too from the breakup. It's obvious that he's pretty malleable to the opinions of his friends--let's remain neutral on whether or not that's a good thing, it just is. His lying about the visit to his friends might just be a way for him to get them off of his back so he doesn't start second guessing. Peer pressure is real and it's strong, especially when you're hurting and your friends are the only ones who seem to be there for you.

 

Do you think he's trying to take advantage of you or someone else? I am a little confused about that. I see his behavior as being confused, afraid, and immature to an extent too. But I don't think he's being manipulative (are you referring specifically about the flight thing? Because if I recall correctly from your other posts you called it off with him while the trip was still on, so even if he told you he cancelled the flight I don't see why it matters that he actually didn't). Then again, I don't know him and I don't have emotions invested in him.

 

But I do know how you're feeling. I just broke up with my ex over lies and commitment issues (a different type of lying, but lying no less). I was so angry and wanted to confront him about the issue every chance I got but I then realized that he's grieving too even if he was an a--hole towards me, and that lashing out on him, and confronting him about any inconsistencies towards the end might feel good in the moment, but I am above that. You say you are over him and that you don't want to be with him, so just let it go. It's obviously up to you whether you bring it up but think carefully about it and how you do it. Regarding the cancelled flight, like Elswyth said, that is a minor issue compared to everything else you need to talk about. It begs the question why you were even checking in the first place if you don't want a relationship anymore. Regarding the friends, I don't think it's going to help you heal to confront him about his lying, but it might help him in future relationships to realize that he needs to stand up for what he wants to do and not feel pressured by the opinions of others.

 

I can't imagine spending nine days non-stop with my ex if there are so many unresolved issues to discuss, but no desire to get back together on my part. Good luck.

[meeji]

I totally agree that this flight nothing compared to the other issues that we are going to talk about. I wasn't saying that I was going to neglect discussing those things. After all, that is part of the purpose of the visit.

 

I just wanted to know if you guys thought it was worth bringing it up.

About the manipulation, if he to me he dropped the flight and he didn't, I can only imagine that his intent was to get a rise out of me... or at least see how apathetic I would be about it.

 

Lying is not something you to do people that are supposed to be important to you. I feel like it is manipulative and deceitful. white lies are still lies and I think honesty is the best policy.

 

Thanks for the feedback, guys. Always appreciated

[Els]

I don't think it's worth bringing it up, because you can only talk for so long before one or the other of you gets exhausted and it starts going nowhere, so you need to prioritize. I learnt later on in my LDR that it's important to know how to pick out the most important, core issues from the rest, when we had extremely limited face time together. (ie "I'm concerned about trust issues and manipulation. These are a few examples in which I have trouble understanding what you did." vs "Why did you lie about the trip? I called them up!", because the latter is just going to devolve into an argument about details and more defensiveness) But then again, we were trying to work through issues and make things work. If your sole goal is closure and you think you'll get better closure by talking about this, by all means do.

[meeji]

I really just want to lay everything on the table. The relationship is already wrecked so I feel like its the perfect time for me to be honest and address all of my concerns. The issues "we," had in our relationship pretty much turned into his issues by the end of it and Its not that I wasn't willing to work things out with him. I was but he is so lost right now that reconsidering the split is not a good idea until he is able to make decisions with a rational mind.

 

I really just want him to come clean. If I was wrong in my perception of him I would like to know what kind of person I am dealing with. Relationship or no relationship, its important to know how you can allow your trust to go with certain people...friends, family, co-workers. Now that the lies are starting to surface, its just making me question my emotional investment even more.