VD Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 i posted this in the dating forum then realised it is more appropriate here. PLEASE HELP ASAP!!!!! i have been friends with Guy for years. we have tried becoming more but the long distance factor was always an issue. recently, he had become very aggressive and even talked of marriage. last time i talked to him, he abruptly changed his mind and said that he did not want a ldr because he would miss me too much. (okay). then he got pissed when i asked if we would see other people and said "if that's what you really want". he told me that he did not want a relationship...then asked me how i felt about it. i did not know how to respond so i said that i didn't care; i just wanted to know one way or the other. he ended by saying that he would call me by last friday. he has not called. i am hoping that he is just blowing me off because he thinks i want more. it sounds weird, but i would rather that than have what i said upset him. although, if he is the one calling off the relationship, how could it upset him? should i call him or just wait it out? he always calls when he is supposed to! hmph! expert opinions, please? Link to post Share on other sites
Fofinha Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 If he is hesitating this much at this stage of a long-distance relationship, for your sake, call him if you really cannot stand not knowing what is going on. I would definately move on though. Red flags all over this one. Link to post Share on other sites
me again Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 what are the red flags??? Link to post Share on other sites
BabyGirl Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Red flags: Abruptly changed his mind about LDR. Has not called when he said he would. Link to post Share on other sites
BabyGirl Posted March 9, 2004 Share Posted March 9, 2004 Originally posted by VD orange maybe, not red! I NEED ADVICE NOT STUFF I ALREADY KNOW DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You've been given advice...step back and look at your situation from the outside...then you'll see your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 What exactly do you need help with? I agree with the others here, he's not calling you, he doesn't want to go long-distance, he still seems a bit possesive over you--what's to save? Link to post Share on other sites
jenny help Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 possessive because he LOVES me, right? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Originally posted by jenny help possessive because he LOVES me, right? no. not the good kind at least. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 i had read the post but it left me a bit confused, though maybe i am just addled in general today. let me try to sort this out, though. 1. you are not now in a relationship with this man, correct? 2. he talks of marriage (aggressively?) but does not want a ldr. 3. he does not want a ldr because he would miss you too much. 4. you, evidently, are ambivalent verging on apathetic about this man. 5. he has not called since this odd conversation. here are my questions for you. i'll try to answer again once i understand a little better. let's forget about this confusing fellow for a second, and concentrate on you alone. 1. do you, or do you not, want a relationship with this man? 2. do you want to see other people? 3. do you enjoy having this man having a unfulfillable crush on you? (be honest) so far, i would say the balance of possibility is decidely in the negative: against the odds of a relationship. ergo, i think you should go out and meet more coherent real-life men, but maybe there is some information i am missing. lol. p.s. jenny would have indeed said that. i rather like possessive men, but it should be accompanied by him *wanting* to be in any relationship with you, even an ld one. he should come down to see you posthaste and fight off the wolves who seek to batter down your door if he seeks to have this kind of power over you. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Originally posted by jenny help you dont know how he is feeling. he is just scared. he'll be back you'll see. Can't argue with that, you go get 'im, girl. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny help Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 jenny: first 1-5=yes second 1-yes 2-yes 3-not unfulfillable. i would date him! i know him in real life we have been together as friends forever but he moved to south dakota. befuddled; we talk every day as friends. i cant see him cutting it off b/c of this. we have been through worse JENNY HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 Originally posted by jenny help jenny: first 1-5=yes second 1-yes 2-yes 3-not unfulfillable. i would date him! i know him in real life we have been together as friends forever but he moved to south dakota. befuddled; we talk every day as friends. i cant see him cutting it off b/c of this. we have been through worse JENNY HELP! Well you maybe HAVE talked everyday as friends, but I got the impression from you post that you have NOT talked to him lately......is that correct? That it's been several days since you've spoken? That he was to call 4 days ago, but didn't...so no recent contact. What do you mean, you can't see him cutting it off because of this. Because of what? HELLO? He made it *CLEAR* that he's not interested in maintaining a LDR any longer. What part of that don't you understand? ( I don't mean to sound rude, but what is there to get? He said what he said, he obviously meant it. If he didn't, he would have contacted you to state otherwise). What is this about you've "been through worse"? Sorry, but you're not making a lot of sense. He ended it, it's over, caput, b'bye, toodle-loo, adios, aloha, ciao, done like dinner, etc. What part of that don't you get? And if you can't seem to accept this, why ask us strangers? Call him up if you want to figure out what's going on. Only he will know, surely we won't. We can't read his mind, we don't know him. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 you won't like it, sorry. my reading is that he does like you, possibly loves you, but he is not a valid candiate for a real relationship right now. back-burner him. let him call you, but keep him in your head filed under 'friend' status. IF he chooses to come to you, ask you to be something more, then you can take him out and think about changing his status. for now, though, this is not a relationship and should not be treated as such. you should not wait for his calls, nor should you sweat him. this is over-investment and it will waste time and energy you could be spending on real life guys. if he wants you, and if he's worthy, let him do the leg work, spend the money, and come to you. don't call him, let him call you. don't ask about the relationship, let him state it. if you grow bored of waiting for him, stop waiting and move on. sorry if i disappointed, i'm getting performance anxiety from your handle. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny thanks Posted March 10, 2004 Share Posted March 10, 2004 sorry i had to leave so i could not read this last night. all your awesome help and i couldn't even thank you. so THANK YOU. befuddled: i am saying i do not think he is going to end a 5 year FRIENDSHIP. not a relationship. we have talked virtually every day for 5 years through girlfriends and boyfriends, etc; i cant see no communication out of the blue, sorry. jenny, thanks that makes sense. i will just have to wait and see. im a little calmer now, thanks. he called me but i wasnt near my phone so i missed it. no message. Link to post Share on other sites
where r u jenny Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 dear jenny, he called me and talked and flirted with me like nothing happened! i told him he could not call me pet names any more and he said i will always be his pookie. i told him that i did not want a 2 day relationship. he said his next relationship is going to last forever. he also said i would never find a guy as great as him. i said "well thats good to know since i cant have you" and he laughed! what the hell? sleepless in south dakota Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 er..this is driving you too crazy. why not ask him forthrightly? say simply this: "look, you don't want me to have other boyfriends, we're obviously mad about one another, why don't you come down here for a weekend and we will see if this has potential to be a successful long distance romance? come down here and take me out to dinner! if things go well, you may not need to stay in a hotel." i'm not a fan of fleshless relationships. i think they are unrealistic. tell this guy to kiss or get off the pot. you can't waste one more iota of time or emotional energy on a relationship that is not yet in existence. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 11, 2004 Share Posted March 11, 2004 Originally posted by where r u jenny he also said i would never find a guy as great as him. From what I gather, it shouldn't be that hard. Link to post Share on other sites
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