Beginning a LD phase of the relationship

[Chiyo]

I've been in a relationship for over a year and a half with a great guy. Our relationship has been pretty wonderful so far - we've had our share of disagreements, but we have great communication and I think do a very good job talking about things, whether they're bothering us or hypothetical.

 

Very recently I just moved to a different state for work. My BF is going to be graduating very soon (within weeks) and has a 2 year residency job lined up in a different state. My job came as a surprise but is a great move for my career, his we've known about for some time now and have planned on. I was never going to move there, however, as my career does not exist there, and we've discussed this for a long time. Both of us are very career-minded, and he needs to do this to start his career (after which time it'll be easier for him to get jobs in more places).

 

So for 2 years we're going to be long-distance. After his residency ends, we've talked extensively about closing the distance. Either, given job availability, he will move here, or depending how things are in 2 years, we plan to move back to where we both lived (he and I would both prefer to settle down there - its just a matter of the job market).

 

We've already made plans that he's flying out here next week, so we will get to spend some time together - it will have been nearly a month (and this may be the shortest time we spend apart for quite some time... we're probably going to see eachother ever other month). We talk all the time and skype eachother each night, and so far it doesn't seem bad at all - it doesn't feel that we're so far from eachother. However, I'm sure that since he's so focused on graduating and I'm busy with the new job we're both distracted right now. I'm just wondering about the longer term - like in 6 months or so when all the newness wears off, because it might not be so effortless.

 

Have any of you been able to maintain healthy, "happy" LDRs? If so, I was just hoping that people could give me some ideas of what really worked for them. I'm not really worried about our relationship, but 2 years is a long time, and I know LDRs are hard. I have some friends who have been able to maintain them successfully, and others not. I was just wondering if anyone has any advice. Thanks!

[cerridwen]

First of all, it's extremely promising that you have a plan for reuniting.

That helps loads.

 

Second, I had a LDR for ~2 years and the time flew by.

Our careers had us traveling a lot so like you two, we were busy but still managed to stay connected quite easily.

 

We lived on top of our phones so we'd text often and shoot and send video from our day.

We Skyped sometimes but talked on the phone at the end of each night.

 

There were always "Good morning here's what's up" kind of texts.

We'd send gifts back and forth for no reason at all.

He'd call at lunch sometimes.

I'd do the same just to swap funny stories and crack each other up.

We'd talk about things in the news as we walked through airports.

He'd sometimes read bedtime stories to me when I had trouble falling asleep.

 

We put a lot of work into letting the other know he/she was being thought about often (if not always ).

Neither of us found it difficult to do.

We thoroughly enjoyed feeling the other's presence throughout the day.

It was fun and a great time in my life.

A healthy (temporary) LDR can happen.

Just make it by staying in contact.

Edited March 22, 2012 by cerridwen

[wildgeese]

I'm thankful to be in a happy, successful LDR and was just thinking today how proud I am to be a part of a partnership that works so well. Our time apart has not been, and will not be, nearly as long as other posters here at LS, but I feel like many of our journeys are much the same. We're going into our 8th month of distance and will close the distance at the end of May.

 

Since my SO moved we've been through many different phases and emotions of our relationship, sometimes simultaneously and sometimes not, but the most important thing is that we talked through all of it, had completely open and honest communication, and were always there to support one another.

 

For me, it was the beginning that was the hardest. I struggled more than him since he was adapting to new surroundings which can make time go by faster, whereas I was still in the same place and adapting to him not being there. It's incredibly difficult to go from seeing someone you love almost every day to only every 6 weeks or so. You have to give yourself, and your partner, time to adjust. It's okay to grieve the difficulties you're facing, just don't lose focus on why you're in this situation. My SO and I often say that it's nice to know that we're feeling so low for a reason: we love each other just that much.

 

Hang out with friends even if you don't feel like socializing (just having someone around is immensely comforting!) and do keep yourself busy. You're going to miss them like hell, but you shouldn't let that define who you are while they're away.

 

Things got better over time, with some occasional lows, and then something happened that I never thought was possible: I started to get used to the distance. I got used to practically being a "single" in my current city, but also having this other coupled life with him. I've found that this is one of the big things that will break up an otherwise healthy LDR. You have to find that balance between your current-city life and your life with your partner. It can often feel like you're being pulled in two directions. You'll find yourself forgoing outings because you have a Skype date or having to choose between time working on a project or that extra phone call with your SO. Typically you're glad to do it, but it can be an adjustment and some people find it too difficult to balance. Know your priorities and what works for you and your SO. Know where you both stand and be honest with yourself (and them) if you're feeling like the balance is uneven.

 

That being said, we're not a "typical" LDR couple in that neither of us are chained to our phones or computers. Do not let people tell you that you have to do things a certain way in a LDR - do what's right for the two of you, just like in any relationship. We often text in the morning a quick "Thinking about you, I love you, here's what my day is like" and maybe text twice more that day. But always once in the morning and always once at night. We talk on the phone maybe every other day or every two days for about an hour. We both work full-time with completely opposite schedules, so we talk mainly on lunch hours or if the other person has the day off then we work around that schedule. It's possible to be a workaholic and in a LDR, I swear! We both are. We skype maybe once a week, and it is a wonderful invention to be sure. I've never understood those couples that leave skype on all day/night and listen to each other sleep, but that's just me.

 

We send each other "care packages" or a letter maybe once a month, just as an added treat. We try to read the same book at the same time, but I'm a bit faster at reading than him so that doesn't always work out.

 

But the main things that have helped us are certainly open communication, making time to make each other laugh, making our visits to each other special (by going to a fancy dinner or seeing a concert), keeping each other involved in what is happening in our daily lives (I know all of his coworkers names even if we haven't met), and above all reminding each other every chance we get that we love one another and that we're doing this for a reason.

 

Sorry that was so lengthy! It's spring break and everyone has gone home, so I've been just watching Downton Abbey reruns and looking at LS.

[harmayanigrengel]

Either, given job availability, he will move here, or depending how things are in 2 years, we plan to move back to where we both lived (he and I would both prefer to settle down there - its just a matter of the job market).We've already made plans that he's flying out here next week, so we will get to spend some time together

Edited March 23, 2012 by harmayanigrengel