Breaking Up Because of Distance (How Do You Leave Someone You Love?)

[betweenbirds]

My boyfriend is about a month and a half away from moving to a new city. He's 23 (I'm 22) and he graduated from college this past May. For the past two years, before we met each other, it has been his goal to move to this particular city to advance his career in cooking.

 

We've known each other for over a year, and have dated for about eight months. Our relationship is solid, stable, we handle the very few quarrels that we have with open communication and love, and we have a lot of fun together.

 

That being said: He is indeed moving, and he just recently dropped the bomb that he cannot handle a long distance relationship. Needless to say, I was not only caught off guard, but also completely heartbroken.

 

We've had two honest (if not intense) talks since then. His reasons for not wanting a LDR include having a horrible past experience with one. He said that he felt like he was living two different lives while he was in it, and that over time the entire relationship felt like a burden. He said that he does not want to turn what we have into something he can't look back on with love. (Which seems like a defensive move to me, but okay.) I know that he does care for me. He says that he is in love with me. It got to the point where we were both crying.

 

To me, if it was really love, he'd want to try. I know some people (some people like him) want to do the "noble" thing of ending the relationship now rather than risking further pain. I know, and he knows, that he is being overall selfish by not even trying. I told him that I viewed a LDR as a temporary thing - that after a year or so we'd open discussion about moving. He said that he didn't even trust himself enough to go through with a LDR for a year and that moving would be a really big issue. To me, that means he is not committed. He insists that all of this has nothing to do with our relationship, but rather what he needs to do for himself, and that he's not just leaving me (as it certainly feels and seems).

 

I am so conflicted. On one hand, I understand that we're young and that sometimes our paths diverge and it's best to grow separately. On the other, I can't help but constantly think "If he really did love me, it wouldn't be like this." I know the "if he really..." thoughts are dangerous. But has anyone ever broken it off with someone that they truly cared about? What were your reasons? What happened? Is it best to just cut off contact to aid the healing process, or should we maintain a close friendship as he wants? The thought of not knowing this person in a year is enough to crush me.

[Whipple]

My current boyfriend has supposedly done this in the past but something tells me that there's more to it than what he's told me.

 

Anyway, I'm really sorry. I know you're really hurt right now and no one can blame you. Make sure you take some time out for yourself.

 

This is my opinion based on my past experiences and I'm sure it's oversimplified but I believe if your boyfriend was committed to you he would give the LDR a try. Yeah, he had ones that ended poorly in the past but those were different relationships. Every relationship is different and yours doesn't have to be doomed. He doesn't know the future; he doesn't know that it will be like the past ones. But he doesn't see it that way and quite frankly you don't want to force him into an LDR if he doesn't want to be in one. In a way, you can be thankful that he's telling you this now rather than waiting later. I had an ex boyfriend who waited a few months after he moved to tell me that he never wanted to be in an LDR in the first place but he was too scared to break up with me before he left. Wtf I'd rather have heard it earlier so I could have cut my losses earlier because we obviously wanted different things and had different levels of commitment. Of course it still would have hurt immensely but I appreciate honesty and transparency.

 

Only you can decide what you want to do. It's still a little while to go before he leaves so perhaps he'll change his mind. But at the same time, you don't want him being half-hearted in the LDR. It will just cause more problems.

 

Best of luck and keep us posted!