Girlfriend issue in short LDR.. some paranoia or no?

[bigsby2010]

Firstly, I don't know if this belongs in this forum or not, so I apologize if it's in the wrong spot.

 

I've been seeing this girl for 8 months now, and we recently got back from a trip to Italy where we spent 2 weeks together (but we went there with a group) and things were wonderful. We're both in our early 20's. After the trip we had about a week home and then she was off to another town (10 hour drive) to do a course for her degree which lasts 5 weeks.

 

This is the longest I'll have been away from her since our relationship started and I've been a little worried so far, maybe overanalyzing stuff. But basically, for some reason she didn't really want me to see her off at the airport although she said it wasn't because she was sad to leave me. So I didn't end up going to see her off at the airport even though I really wanted to. Another thing is she initially wanted me to go visit her at week 3 but she keeps bouncing around between wanting me to come and not wanting me to come and it's caused me to have a bit of paranoia. She's only been gone for 3 days so far and I usually get a text in the morning (no calls yet..) and one before bed but it seems like she's only sending texts just to tie me over, not because she wants to. I've told her I miss her already and stuff and that I'd love for her to call but I haven't had any reciprocity yet. I know it is QUITE early though and maybe I should give it more time?

 

She also just recently deleted her FB out of no where which is making me wonder. She's a party animal and she has given me a few reasons in the past to be concerned.

 

Ugh. I care about her a lot but she isn't making me feel too secure about the whole situation. It isn't like she has loved hearing from me so far or that she misses me any amount, but I know it's only early. For some reason my negative mind is telling me she might have deleted her FB so there's nobody finding out that she's in a relationship. She's a party animal and loves meeting new people after all and has an abnormally high sex drive.

 

Thanks for your time loveshack.

[madjac74]

First of all dont assume anything. I'm a guy with a very beautiful, outgoing girl who is 900 miles away. I know the things that can go through your mind. But trust in a relationship is important wether you are 10000 miles apart or under the same roof. I was married 9 years and then in a bad 1 yr relationship and they both broke any trust i had for women and I took it out on my current gf several times.

 

But anywho... instead of stewing and letting these thoughts go through your mind, talk to her about it. Dont have a text conversation because its too important for that and things get easily misconstrued in texts. And if she wont take your calls then write her an email telling her exactly how you feel. I tend to have a mouth disorder where I tell Liz exactly how I feel. It rubs her the wrong way sometime but she has ultimately said she appreciates that Im honest and genuine. So you may piss your gf off but if she truely loves you then she will appreciate your openess.

 

Oh and dont accuse her of anything. Just tell her how she has made you feel recently. Good luck!

[bigsby2010]

Thanks for your advice and it's nice to know someone can relate. I've heard from her a few times over text but things were pretty brief. Only one phone call yet and she didn't sound herself or sound too happy to be talking to me. Since she didn't seem to be in the best of moods I didn't really bring anything up with her.. just tried to stay upbeat and cheerful for the time being. I've been taking the time so far to focus on myself and my activities, although I do miss her and have some concern about how this is going to pan out. One thing she did tell me during the phone call was not to tell her friends that she was in contact with me because they've been texting her and she hasn't been answering them because they're drama-filled texts or something. Hmm, if we're only sporadically texting once or twice a day or once every couple of days, is this going to last? I've thought about sending her a package about halfway through these 5 weeks just to let her know I miss her and am thinking of her, but I don't know if that's even the right thing to do.

 

Can't tell if she's just getting settled away and having fun or if she's forgetting about me here... although we'll only be separated for 5 weeks (4 now, I think) I'm worried that if we don't communicate much that when she comes home things aren't gonna be the same, and I don't feel like I have much control over this because she HAS to contact me if we're gonna talk at all because of the strict rules this school has in place.

[madjac74]

Why did she have to go 10 hours away just for one course? And by the way I think you are handling things very well. I know its very frustrating but just stay busy. She may be busy and unhappy there too. You never know so dont let too many thought creep into your head. That is very dangerous for a relationship. Believe me I know.

Edited May 20, 2010 by madjac74

[stace79]

Why don't you call her? And I'd agree with the others -- say "I FEEL [insert how you feel here] because I have not gotten many texts or calls from you since you left."

[bigsby2010]

It is impossible to call her as she has a cell but she's on the go all hours of the day for the whole time she's gone. She's there to learn another language and has to sign an agreement to speak that language the whole time she's there so that means the only texts I get in english are when she 'hides' to go and text me I guess. I've been keeping busy but things seem off. I only get a text every few days and I barely know what's going on with her in her life and she doesn't seem too excited about hearing from me. It's pretty hard, and it's only a few more weeks but I don't know how the hell it's gonna be when she comes back.

[stace79]

It is impossible to call her as she has a cell but she's on the go all hours of the day for the whole time she's gone. She's there to learn another language and has to sign an agreement to speak that language the whole time she's there so that means the only texts I get in english are when she 'hides' to go and text me I guess. I've been keeping busy but things seem off. I only get a text every few days and I barely know what's going on with her in her life and she doesn't seem too excited about hearing from me. It's pretty hard, and it's only a few more weeks but I don't know how the hell it's gonna be when she comes back.

 

Hmm... that's a little different then. Maybe she is really stressed out about that situation. Maybe she missed you a lot too and is homesick, so hearing from you would make her more upset. This scenario changes my opinion a little bit, and I'd be a little more flexible for the time being.

[bigsby2010]

Thanks for your reply again. I was also thinking that could be the case, and I don't want to push her or stress her out too much. I guess I'll just keep going with the flow and hope that this is the case, and not that she's trying to purposely distance herself from me.

[bigsby2010]

Actually come to think of it, I'm not fully convinced that this is a case of her missing me. I base this on the fact that I pretty much feel rejected the few times I text "I love you" or "I miss you" to her because she doesn't say it back lately. I could see if I was saying it every minute of the day but I'm talking before bed or even every few days here. I know it's hard to expect her to make an effort but it is kinda crappy when the only texts I get from her she's telling me how she's getting wasted every second night.

 

I've been feeling like I have to watch every word I say to her, the times I said "I love you" and expected her to say it back and got nothing kind of has me wanting to distance myself from her. I don't know.. I'll want to hear from her but I'm just realizing now that the texts she sends me are pointless ones anyway and that I'd rather have none at all if they're going to be like that.

 

Really don't know what to do here.. felt very close and secure with her before she went away to this thing, but something feels funny lately. If she has time to text she has time to text me something with meaning atleast.. it's like sometimes after I hear from her I feel worse..

 

 

However, I've still been maintaining a busy lifestyle since she's been gone and I'm not home dwelling about any of this. It's just a situation I've never been in before and she's really sending mixed signals that I don't understand which I find odd since we've been dating quite a while now.

Edited May 26, 2010 by bigsby2010

[FitChick]

Back off and stop contacting her. If she misses you, she will contact you and then you politely respond. Don't initiate anything. Maybe let her wonder what you're up to while she's gone!

[bigsby2010]

Just talked to her on the phone and she said she's thinking about extending her stay for another few weeks. I have a family reunion this summer that I was really hoping for her to come to so I'm not very happy about it. I was also going to move to her town (40 min drive) for the summer to work and spend more time with her and she told me she doesn't care if I do that or not.

 

She said she wants to come home for a week and then go back for 3 weeks to the school shes at now. The reason she wants to come home for a week is to see her parents, a graduation, and her aunt. Not one mention of anything to do with me. She seems to be very wrapped up in everything there to the point that I don't exist. She calls me once a week but has made lots of other phone calls to her friends and family from what I gathered from our most recently call. I'm so stuck as to what to do. I really don't feel like shes my girlfriend and it's hard to get mad at her because we have no face-to-face confrontations anytime soon.