keeping it 'open' in a LDR

[g1rl_1nterrupted]

So here's the thing:

 

Just got back a month ago from staying with my boyfriend for 3 months, overseas, and it was the 2nd visit. (I'm planning to visit again this summer)

 

The first time I came, we had the agreement that we would keep it open that way until I came back. I agreed to it because it was only the first time we'd met and even though we were technically together then, it wasn't as serious as it is now.. and it didn't seem realistic at the time to promise that nothing might happen while we weren't together, even though I wasn't planning on doing anything myself.. but I knew that stuff can happen.

 

This time when I got back, I realized we never really discussed it before I left and I wasn't sure how he felt about it now that it's more serious. One thing he's told me, that his friends have also told me, is that he doesn't go into relationships easily and that he's normally more of a loner so the fact that he's in a relationship with me, wanted me to come live with him for 3 months and wants me to come back and move there even must mean that he really does honestly care about me.. which I believe he does...

 

But he said he would prefer to keep the relationship kinda open this time too.. but it didn't seem like the thought of me messing around with another guy would bother him as much as him doing that would bother me now.

And maybe it's because he's better at separating feelings from sex than I am.. I know some people are capable of messing around with out there being feelings involved, but I'm not one of those people. So even though I really do believe he cares about me and wants to be with me, it confused me when he said that.. because it's just not that easy for me to do that..

 

But I agreed to keeping it open this time anyway... because last time we had that agreement and when I came back everything was still great and nothing seemed to change. I'm just trying to see his point of view too.

 

I plan on just trusting him like I did last time, that he won't get into any other relationship or hurt me because he didn't before and he hasn't given me a reason to not trust him so far... but I care about him even more than I did at the beginning.. so it makes it SO much harder to do this time..

 

Was wondering what other people's thoughts and opinions are or advice from other people who have been in a open LDR..?

 

Sorry for such a long post.. lots of info.. so thanks for reading if you did!

[marionthelibrarian]

IMO, both parties should be in agreement as to whether you want the relationship to be open. It might be okay in the beginning, but it's natural that your feelings might change as the relationship progresses. And if he should see someone else, then he can always say, you agreed. But if he did, you already know that you would be hurt.

 

My SO and I have an agreement. Neither of us wants to see anyone else. But if we change our mind, that we will let the other know first, before seeing someone else. It's called respect for another's feelings.

 

So you have to ask yourself... How would you feel if he saw someone else? And if you are not okay with that, you have to let him know. Even if he does not SEEM like he would date someone else. If you don't want to end the relationship over this, tell him that your feelings have changed about this. Perhaps you can come to an agreement that you will not see anyone else without informing the other person first. Then you can decide whether you can live with that. One person should not be setting the parameters of the relationship. It should be mutual.

[Away]

I agree with everything Marion said.

 

And I am with you completely, on the not being able to separate feelings from sex... I would not want my boyfriend seeing anybody else, even if it were something physical with no emotions involved. I personally cannot do that. And I'm lucky he feels the same way, I guess...

 

Be true to your feelings, and don't agree to it just because you think that's what he wants from you. If you're OK with it, then it's fine. Even if you, yourself are not thinking of doing anything.

 

Good luck!