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Long Distance Love Can Work!


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My situation involves an old flame from over 20 years ago. We were both raised in Southern California. After we broke up, he moved to the Bay area and I moved to Portland, Oregon. We went on to marry (other people of course) have kids, and develop our own careers. We remained friends after our romance ended but sadly we lost touch after about ten years.

 

That changed with one fateful email sent in late 2002 (just a Merry Christmas kind of greeting). I was divorced and he was separating from a marriage that had been horribly damaged by his wife's compulsive gambling. We connected immediately and exchanged hundreds of emails followed by countless phone conversations. Even though we hadn't seen one another face-to-face in 14 years, we knew something important was happening between us. By the time he flew up to see me we already knew we were falling in love.

 

The story is not without complications. There is a lunatic (almost ex) wife in this situation and believe me when I say I will write some interesting posts. I'm hoping to share my tales with others who are (or have been) in similar situations.

 

Thanks!

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I'd be very interested in knowing the timing of all of this. It seems like both of you were vulnerable, especially him. How long have you been reunited, are the two of you married now, who has the kids, etc.?

 

I'm very happy you have a positive story to share. Unlike most long distance relationships featured here, the two of you had a bond which formed many years ago. You knew each other in person for a long time before you parted.

 

Most LDR's that start up these days are between two people who have never seen each other and probably never will. But I'm still awfully happy that the two of you reconnected and I do hope it works out great over the long term.

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Thanks!

Duane and I met in 1979. We were in our early 20s; he was a student and musician; I was a dental assistant and wannabe singer. We met at a club where his band was performing. We had a very, very sweet relationship; we never had a single fight; but sadly, at such a young age, it's not uncommon for a young woman to be emotionally more "ready" than a guy for the Big L. So although we were very close romantically, he never said he actually loved me. Over time I grew a bit despondent because of a kind of distance I felt developing between us; so I ended the relationship and (get this) joined the Army!

 

When I returned from the service, I was engaged and pregnant. Duane and I remained friends all the while. We spent a fair amount of time on the phone (my fiance was still overseas) talking about our respective relationships, philosophy, music, you-name-it. Then my son was born, I married and moved to Georgia. Duane and I continued to correspond as friends. I gave birth to my daughter in late 1982; we moved back to California. My then-husband and I split up in 1984. Duane and I still corresponded, though not as often as he'd moved out of town and the distance was kind of problematic (remember we were "just friends" at that time). I spoke with his mom now and then; she worked in a doctor's office and my mother had been diagnosed in 1986 with terminal cancer.

 

The last time I would see Duane (for a LONG time) was in 1989. My mother had just died, I had just left a three-year relationship, and I guess I was sort of unapproachable. I was very much into my kids; Duane had not married and didn't have kids of his own yet, so we didn't have so much in common anymore. He was studying physics at UD Berkley; I was a graphic artist at the time.

 

It was in the new millennium we finally connected via email and then dang it, I reformatted my hard drive (virus) and lost his email address.

 

When my son's band began enjoying modest success up here in Portland (I relocated in 1998) I thought to actively look for Duane's email address again. I found it. He had been living in the Bay area for about 15 years and married for eleven years. His son is now eight. When we corresponded in 2000 I got the impression that his life was pretty happy. I was dating casually; nothing to write about there.

 

It was with a good deal of surprise when I learned late last year that Duane's marriage had been in trouble for at least a few years. He and his wife resided in the same house, but had not had a husband/wife relationship in over two years. He had just filed for bankruptcy thanks to his wife's gambling addiction. And what an addiction! He makes 160K/year as a research physicist, so you can imagine that it takes a LOT of gambling to break the bank.

 

Anyway, we exchanged a lot of emails, followed by a lot of calls. I remember our first phone conversation in 14 years. His voice hadn't changed at all. We talked for four hours. Pretty soon we were up to exchanging emails several times daily (we both have computers in our offices) and we talked by phone more and more frequently (now daily). Early this year he drove up to see me and we spent a long weekend together. It was absolutely effortless. He says he recalls the precise moment he realized for sure he was in love with me. It was not over a romantic candlelit dinner or a walk on a moonlit beach. We had gone to see one of my son's shows and I was recording it with my camcorder. Duane was observing me from a distance and he says I was "ridiculously cute". I could tell by the end of that night something had definitely clicked into place.

 

We visit every few weeks. He moved out of the house he bought with his wife (it is now in foreclosure). We realized pretty early on that if this situation of ours were to have any hope at all something would have to budge. I never imagined I'd leave Oregon. I just love it here. But face it, my job is a great deal easier to replace than his, so I made the conscious decision one night (after some soul-searching) that I could and would relocate for this relationship. Once I made that decision, we both felt like we could "let go" and let things happen....up until then I struggled to keep my feelings in check.

 

Duane is still pretty much broke due to the massive debts incurred by his wife, so his family is lending him the needed money for attorney's fees. Many of them want as much as 7,000 up front before any paperwork gets filed. Duane will be seeking custody of his son. He asked me how I feel about kind of "starting over" with a child considering that my kids are now grown and I'm officially "free". (I could argue that one is never entirely "free" from the kids--it's a lifelong project.) I am willing and ready to be a stepmother to his son. He's a good boy, so I am not worried at all about it.

 

The wife is another matter. She is "certifiable". She cancels Duane's flights to come see me (she got his credit card number) and has stolen his phone, tampered with his car, and most recently has locked him out of his house so he can't get his things. It looks like the police will have to accompany him so that he can grab a few necessities. I am certain that a restraining order will be a must.

 

However, I have to say that Duane and I have a connection that cannot be overlooked. We joke that we love each other so much that we can't stand it. He feels very sad when he thinks of all the years we could have spent together but didn't.

 

So the plan is to move in December or January. Prior to then I will start researching employment opportunities (it shouldn't be too difficult--experienced vet techs are in high demand). As soon as the divorce is final, we are marrying. I don't care if I'm wearing surgical scrubs and standing in a courthouse. I love the man. We want to be together for all the right reasons. A future without one another is simply absurd.

 

Incidentally, I have had a couple of LDRs with men I met via internet dating services. Oh my. One man lived in England and came all the way out to see me. Our phone bills were astronomical. But when we met, it just wasn't love. I really do think it's possible to feel "spiritually" in love with someone you haven't met, but all bets are off when meeting time comes. Chemistry is a lot more fickle than we would like it to be.

 

I guess the advantage that Duane and I have is that I knew him before and the man he is now is a logical extension of the fellow he was then; he says the same about me. We changed over the years, but in compatible ways. Our adversities have only served to make us more appreciative of one another.

 

My advice regarding LDRs. Meet! It's a must! Write, and write LOTS. Take tons of pictures. Use Yahoo or MSN or AOL instant messenger. Take online tests together. Buy a webcam. Do everything possible to feel connected. Get a cellphone with a good long-distance plan--it costs less than landline long-distance. Another thing you can do is use PC-to-phone. All you need is a headset with a boom microphone (and a computer of course). It is only two cents a minute to talk, so it's very affordable. Make home recordings of each others' favorite music. Make videos of yourselves for each to watch--doesn't have to be anything drawn-out or fancy. Just do everything you can to be as real as possible. Expect to feel helpless sometimes.

 

I've written a book here, so I will stop now or this will be too long to post! I hope there is some sort of pearl of wisdom here somewhere. And thanks again.

 

By the way, if you read this Duane, mmmmwwwwuuuuuaaaahhhh!!!!!

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