Need advice on insecurity and jealousy with L-D relationships.

[Stevo]

Hello my girlfriend of two and half years live about an two hours apart from each other. If I'm lucky we see one another maybe 3 consecutive days in a row out of the week, when i drive down there, but usually I only see her about 9 times in the month total.

 

Well anyways, Im a very jelous person. I have gotten better over the years with my girlfriend but it seems to be still strong in our relationship. I used to be very controlling with my girlfriend when she lived near me. I would get very upset when she even talked to a guy I didnt know. It became emotionaly abusive and we eventually had to take a break from one another.

 

Well anyways, my girlfriend and I are very different. We love each other dearly but differ in opinions of relationships and bounderies. I used to party a lot in highschool but now in college and persuing medicine I have very little time to do such things and actually have no general feeling to go out and drink and dance. However, my girlfriend does and this is where a lot of our problems arise. She was very shacked in as a child. Her parents were very strick and wouldnt allow her to go whatever she pleased. So I assume she would want to go out with her girlfriends and stuff but its not even like that.

 

She seems to get along better with men then woman. She hangs out with her roomate which is a girl but she also hangs out with a entire dorm suite of guys. She will go out and drink with her roomate and these guys. She confesses undeniable love to me and how she would never cheat and so on and yes i believe her but if she drinks it changes everything. She says she can make rational decisions even when shes drunk but I find that hard to beleive since Ive never seen her drunk and i've seen what happens to people who are drunk.

 

ell in the past week we have been fighting alot over her partying with these guys and dancing with them as well. We are both young and the way we dance with others isnt exactly construde as being innocent, most of the time the person is grinding against the other in a sexual fashion. I get very angry imagining these guys doing this to my girl yet she says it means nothing. I think she is flirting with danger and my feelings.

 

Im very insecure do to the fact that she is now thinking about just going out with these guys instead of bringing her roomate. Again I dont know who these guys are nor do I know if they like her or not, yet, she says they do not. She is not a flirt but it seems to me she is trying too hard to make friends. My girlfriend isnt exactly ugly, being often compared to Sarah Michelle Gellar. I shouldn't be insecure at all as she says due to what I have to offer her and Im not trying to brag; looks, school, body, so on and so forth. Yet, I'm.

 

This puzzles her and is now getting very upset saying that Im becoming very jelous again. She says its rediculous that I have a problem with her dancing with these strangers and how I'm just being dumb and immature. I ask her if she really wants to be with me and not have her options open but she says no she wants to marry me,etc,etc. I admit I do say emotionally abusive things to her and I deserve to be dumped, but, I really want to work things out because I love her. Sorry for the novel. Thanks for any feedback.

 

-Stevo

[witchbreed]

Hi Steve

 

OK, I am a 41 year old woman.

 

I want to give you a possible insight to your gf behaviour. As a child and young woman most of my best mates was male, my very best friend up till age 30 was a guy. We would tell each other about all our problems and there was never anything sexual involved. I allways had troubles with most female friends, because one couldnt have any arguements about any subjects without them feeling rejected. Maybe since I was a single child and idolised my dad, I had lots of "male" behaviour patterns. Over here in Europe we have these all male University fraternities and I hung out with the active ones of my dads old fraternity and even being female they took me on as an honorary member of the fraternity. With the exception of one female friend througout my childhood I didnt have any close female friends till I became a mother (at age 27). There just is some women who get along better with men.

 

Now to the second problem you have with her flirting. Women often flirt for other reasons then men. Men will flirt when they do hope for the flirting to go further (kissing, petting or sex), but women often flirt just to know that they are desirable. When feeling on a low selfesteem or unworthy for your own partner, insecure if he really loves and desires us, we sometimes flirt to know, yes I am desirable, yes I could have anyone I want therefore my bf will want and desire me too. And to a certain extent we enjoy that your bf will be envied by his mates to have such a desirable gf. I am not saying that women only flirt for this reason, obviously sometimes we flirt because we ourselves desire someone. But truth to tell, since I am 21 I have been in three relationsships and had no sexual (not even kissing) contacts besides them, but in the first two relationsships and in the beginning of my current rl, I flirted a lot, never ever desiring anything from the men I flirted with, but a boost of selfesteem, the knowledge to be desirable.

 

My finance was hurt by this and we had long talks. Actually he was and is not really able to believe, that I flirted without desiring. The thing is, since I am now in a rl which really makes me happy my selfesteem doesnt need the flirting no more. He made me see too, that that kind of flirting is unfair on the ones one flirts with too, kind of promising something one is never willing to deliver. But since your are in a lrl, I can well imagine, that she has times, when she is scared of loosing you, of you finding someone else, of not being good enough and then ressorts to flirting to boost her self esteem.

 

I dont know, if its the same with your gf as it was with me, but believe me, I have quiete some female friends now, who have or still do flirt for just this boost in selfesteem. So I would suggest, that you give her the benefit of doubt.

 

If its really bothering you so much, I would suggest, that you go and visit her there, to get to know the crowd she hangs out with. That way you will see for yourself what kind of people they are and get a feeling about her interacting with them. If there is nothing to hide, she shouldnt have any objections to this request. But please do not accuse her of anything requesting this, just state that YOU feel insecure and that this would help you to overcome your insecurities.

 

Wish you all the best.

[daisywindmill]

Hello Stevo

 

Whether you are in a LDR or living together, you must accept that your partner will want to spend time with other people occasionally, that he or she likes, just as you will enjoy the company of others.

 

There is no harm whatsoever in spending time with people of the opposite sex as long as they know that he/she is in a relationship and not a player.

 

And yes, we all flirt sometimes, no matter how much we may love our partner. It's human nature, a bit of fun, an ego boost and nine times out of ten, should the person we are flirting with try anything on, we would run a mile (or stagger in my case, not done any running in a loooooooong time)!

 

 

And be pleased that your girlfriend is open and honest with you by telling you of the people that she likes to spend time with. The fact that she does not try to hide this from you has to be a good sign.

 

I do know how hard a LDR can be. I've been in one for 14 months and it's had it's tricky moments.

 

It's important to maintain contact throughout, keep each other aware of what you are doing whilst apart, so that you feel part of one another's lives. And be happy that she is enjoying herself and not sitting at home being miserable.

 

And you do the same, get out and have some fun. Not only will you feel better but it will pass the time until you see her again.

 

The problem is being insecure can push a person away. If they are devoted to you and doing nothing wrong, but you keep doubting them, they will grow tired of it and move on.

 

Trust her and remember daily that his beautiful bright lady is with you and no one else

[NEONINK]

You definitely want the cooped up teen to be let out of the box and get it out of her system, so she can mature into a respectable doctor's wife. If that's your medicine speciality.

 

Lose the insecurity. You have tremendous self-worth!